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was it always bad? or was it ever good?

Calypso1977's picture

The first 6 months with my SD13 was actually really good. Then it all inexplicably went to hell in a handbasket.

For those of you who have it bad with your SK's was it always bad or did you have the "honeymoon" at the beginning that gave you hope and/or caused you to want to do more than you should or need to for them?

i feel so mad/sad/annoyed/betrayed and i havent done NEAR what so many of you have done in terms of care, feeding, nurturing of SD.

wth was I thinking's picture

Yes! The first ~7 months were actually really good. Then they got comfortable? Realized their parents were really really never getting back together? Figured out they could work daaaaaadddyyy to get what they wanted? Not really sure. Whatever it was, the dynamic definitely changed. For me, it was the candy bar meltdown that changed it all. But by that time I was so entrenched, I was cooking for them, doing laundry, being babysitter, trying to come up with fun things to do, etc... No more. I have also decided that if I do somehow get roped into making lunch or dinner for them anymore, its mac&cheese, every time. I'm not putting any more effort into feeding them. A lot of it is my fault, for thinking that I could somehow have some sort of positive impact on their upbringing. I was wrong, I admit that. I just didn't see it at first. After trying and trying to be a good role model/whatever you want to call it, trying to impart SOME knowledge, and just getting crapped on, I don't care anymore.

wth was I thinking's picture

I wonder, what is the average time for the 'honeymoon' phase? 6-9 months seems about standard. Curious to see other replies.

zerostepdrama's picture

Honeymoon period. Mine was about 7 months. Then I realized the skids were jerks.

twopines's picture

SD28 and I started out a little rough because we weren't used to each other, and I think she expected to be doted on. After a couple of years, she and I actually got fairly close. We had what I'd call a friendship. Unfortunately she can't help but to be a butthead, and now I have no relationship with her.

tabby yabba do's picture

I'd also say about 6 months for our honeymoon period.

And although I complain here alot, there are many moments I'm genuinely happy for, and with, my skids.

Just last weekend I watched the skids participate in their first ever sporting event. BM did not like sports or sweating or team activities, or anything outdoors so when she was alive, the skids never experienced the thrill of learning a skill, and committing to it, and practicing, and doing well.

Both skids did amazing for their first competition and I actually cried a little I was so proud of them.

So after two+ years we still have our moments, both honeymoon and heartache. Smile

One Step Back's picture

Mine was 6 months and then he decided one day I was the devil and he's been a little shit to me ever since.

Doesn't help that Mr Disney Dad barely told him off and only gave him a list of rules WITH consequences on Monday. I think pigs will fly before that boy has a real punishment. His father is still on rocky ground too...

I can honestly say that I've never disliked a child until I met that one...

katielee's picture

The first 6-9 months were definitely a honeymoon period, though when I look back on it I can remember some of the catty-smartass things she said to me that I dismissed thinking she didn't actually mean it the way it sounded, she likes me, etc. Looking back I can see there were problems from the start but I was too naive regarding stepmotherhood that I didn't accept/acknowledge them.

Disillusioned's picture

Yes the first 2-1/2 years with DH's eldest daughter were fantastic.

She couldn't stand DH's previous SO nor could she stand BM's SO, so DH was so thrilled that she seemed to truly like me. This is when she was EOW & one evening per week. Then BM and her had it out and she was moved in with DH and I. It still all went well, really well, for the first year she lived with us full-time.

But the year after that, this is when all the problems started. She was angry with DH it seemed, then angry at us both, then it seemed to be mostly directed at me...a real jealousy, hatred and resentment thing :?

I never got that. I thought, if you are so jealous and angry why did it take you two and half years to figure that out???

But, seems it turned into a cycle with her - this love ya, hate ya, love ya thing

After about four years of her hateful behavior, she seemed to come around and had worked out all her issues. I welcomed her back into my heart with open arms and figured okay, must have been a bad teenage skid thing but it's all better now. We went another four years with everything being seemingly fine, until I started seeing the signs again Sad :?

I realized once again I had caught on too late and we were once again in the hateful stage. This once again went on for about four DH's eldest is seemingly better, but this time I'm not getting sucked in to opening up my heart like before. I'm polite and civil when I see her at DH's family get togethers, and I attend all the events for little SGS along with DH, but I'm mostly disengaged from her. I certainly wish her no harm and hope one day she will truly heal from her issues, but there comes a point where for your own health and well-being you need to not associate with people who don't have your best interests at heart, and who are truly happy when bad things happen to you

vickimill26's picture

It's been 3 years for me. The BM has bad-mouthed me from the get-go. All three kids liked me for about a week. Then the middle one became rude and distant. But she has been back on my team for the last 2 years.
I just think they got tired of listening to their mother.

And I don't try to parent them. And DH is good.

proudstepmommy's picture

SD11 and I have a pretty good relationship.

Could it possibly be hormones? I say SD and I have a "pretty good" relationship because some days she's really in a "mood" and argues little thing, and then other days- not so much. DH says he hopes it passes in a few years... I told him good luck with that lol.

Blum 3

ncgal1980's picture

Mine was bad from the get-go. DH and I didn't live together before we got married. My kids and I moved into his house after the wedding, and I sold my house. I'd spent some time around DH's kids before we got married, but not enough time to see just how awful they really were.

God, they're so needy and clingy and bitchy and whiny and babyish. It makes me sick to see the stuff they get away with. DH is a big softy with them and doesn't enforce rules. I'm much stricter with my kids, and it boggles my mind to hear the way DH lets his kids talk to him. It infuriates me!

He's aware that I don't really care for them much, and I've explained my reasons why. I disengaged almost immediately, for my sanity's sake. I just can't get too involved in their everyday lives. It's more than I can bear to be around kids who feel it's okay to bark orders at adults and expect them to jump when they say jump.

So no, no honeymoon period for me. I didn't even get an ACTUAL honeymoon! Just a quick trip to the court house, then off to move my stuff into his house. I feel like I got drafted into the military or something. No nice period of adjustment, no trip anywhere, no nothing. Just work work work, and listening to my skids whine and bitch every other week. GOD I hate my life some days.

ocs's picture

It took me 7 months to meet her, my choice. DH (then BF) wanted earlier but I resisted.

I should have known something was weird at the very beginning when SD then 8, turned to me after a pretty fun day, and asked daaaadddddddyyyyyyy, (while looking at me) "Where is 'ex girlfriend' Daaaadddddyyyyyyy??"

DH and BM split when SD was less than a yr old, never married, tumultuous relationship. He had dated few girls before me, and SD was referring to someone DH had split up with a YEAR before meeting me. He was shocked and I should have run screaming. Anyhow, live and learn.

Things were ok for about a year, but we lived apart and I didn't really hang out with them on their EOWE. I would occasionally join in, but for the most part no. I noticed that when I was around, she would talk non-stop about her 'superstar' mother. :sick: Then we got engaged, and the crazy train picked up speed. This is when I noticed SD becoming a bratty thorn in my side, and also when DH and I moved in together.

DH decorated her room beautifully- she loved it-then went home to BM and promptly picked a huge fight with him.

Fast forward to our wedding? Crazy train FULL SPEED AHEAD. I know much of it comes from batshit BM, but SD is now 14 and can be accountable for her own shitty behaviour. She has been very nice and polite since about February- I'm not buying it anymore. It is just a matter of time until BM gets angry about something and SD picks up the cause. Right now there are some expensive things in SD's life, so they are both being sugar sweet.

Frustratedlady's picture

When I first met H his son (22YO) lived with him. When I would come around his son and I got along great. Although, often times when I was around this son he would bad mouth his mother calling her slut, whore etc. He said it so much that I finally got to a point of politely telling him please don't talk like that about your mother. His response would be I will say whatever I want to, it's the truth. H's other son (20YO) wasn't around. H and this son had gotten into some kind of altercation prior to me meeting H and were not talking. This son lived with BM. When H and I started dating BM automatically started slandering me to common friends and her sons just because she was jealous. Anywho, it wasn't until about 3 months into dating H that I met the youngest son and that was only a brief encounter because he needed money from H to buy more drugs. But our meeting went fine. Fast forward to 6 months into dating H, one night I am sitting at home, minding my own business, enjoying a movie with a gf. I get a phone call from H telling me that he and his oldest son just got into a huge fight. H had jumped his sons case basically about not being responsible. My only response to H was it will all work out just give it time. I made the conversation very short. Not that I didn't want to show sympathy, more I didn't want to get into the middle of his drama. His son moved out that night and went to live with BM. I had absolutely NOTHING to do with either of his son not speaking to him, but for some reason less than an hour later after their fight it all became my fault. It just so happened the gf I had at my house watching the movie with me was friends on fb with his oldest son. His son started posting very ugly things about me even posted "If I were you I'd kill myself". At that point both sons wrote H out of their lives. That lasted for about a year. During that time it was sure bliss! And that's when we got married. It didn't last long though before the sons came back around and things went to the crapper.

memyselfandi's picture

The good behavior lasted about six months after we were married. Gradually, after that, the "wrappers" all came off.

They quit appreciating things I did and I just started feeling angrier and angrier for the complete and total lack of respect on their end. It's not that I'm not close to my step kids..but it's like they think everywhere they go with Daddy..they're on some sort of vacation and they can trash the place all they want, I'm supposed to do all the cleaning and laundry (I refuse to cook for them anymore and I rarely do laundry anymore either since it's never good enough). I won't even make beds anymore as their room is such a mess that you can't even get in the door.

This last time they ran out of towels half way through a weeks stay with us. Why they couldn't use the same towel more than once is beyond me and I questioned that, but of course Daddy had to make the same excuse he always does.."They're kids.." and "is it THAT much trouble for you to do a load of towels?" It actually isn't much trouble to do laundry for them but when I find stuff in the laundry that was thrown on their floor and never worn, that's when I put the brakes on. I was doing a huge load of laundry every single day and spending more of my time running around like the maid while the rest of the family sat on their rears all week and never said a word of appreciation. Besides that, it's either the wrong laundry detergent or they don't like the way they're folded (they end up in a crumpled mess on their floor anyway, clean or not). It's always something.

This last time took the cake as the place was a complete and total pigsty..his son was taking over the house with all his computer gadgets and acting like OUR things were in HIS way..his daughter was becoming more and demanding, and I was spending most of my time out of the fiasco and up in our bedroom every chance I could. Things REALLY blew up when the internet went down and I was called down from my tower of peace to fix it. Good Lord...all it took was a phone call to our internet carrier!!

Thank goodness for just EOWE because I don't know how much more I could handle. I keep myself pretty scarce most of the time simply because Daddy Dearest doesn't discipline, they get whatever their little hearts desire even if it means overspending and putting bills on a backburner, his son's way of noticing everything around the house I've spent money on and making comments about, expecting me to be his maid, etc., and his daughter is constantly bringing up old family memories, manipulating Daddy in one way or another..and I just can't handle much of it anymore.

This last time my hubby and I had decided to give each of the kids $100 for spending money and that way we wouldn't overspend. That didn't last long as his daughter came in telling Daddy that she "needed" a new $200 tablet. Her Kindle was no longer good enough and the keyboard on her laptop (the FOURTH new one she's had in FOUR years..she's extrememly careless but as long as Daaaddy will buy her a new one..oh well..), was no longer working. So Daddy went out and got her a new tablet. Along with other little necessities she needed, his son was sitting in the background adding up the figures..and then HE hit him up for his share.

Cost us a fortune. It always does and Daaaaddy can never say no.

"God, they're so needy and clingy and bitchy and whiny and babyish. It makes me sick to see the stuff they get away with. DH is a big softy with them and doesn't enforce rules. I'm much stricter with my kids, and it boggles my mind to hear the way DH lets his kids talk to him. It infuriates me!"

"He's aware that I don't really care for them much, and I've explained my reasons why. I disengaged almost immediately, for my sanity's sake. I just can't get too involved in their everyday lives. It's more than I can bear to be around kids who feel it's okay to bark orders at adults and expect them to jump when they say jump."

Really hits it on the head as my kids can't stand to be around here much when we have the kids. His kids get away with murder with their Disney Daddy and he really doesn't tune into much that they do unless all hell breaks loose (or the internet goes down..HA!!). He's not much hands on with my kids either..just sits in front of the internet and tunes out.

I've been decent with his kids from the get go and have been told by BM and BG how lucky they are to have such a nice stepmom. I've spoiled them rotten which was my biggest mistake as now they don't appreciate it at all and have just learned to expect it, so now I've curtailed the amount I spend, how much food I bring into the house (I used to stock it with all their favorites, while they turned their noses up, left candy and popsicle wrappers everywhere except the garbage can), etc., and have started setting my own boundaries.

This last time, SD12 sat down with a bag of pretzels and ate all but these little pieces, which she left in this mess all over the kitchen table. I asked hubby about it and he said "She doesn't like that part"..I just rolled my eyes..never heard of anything so weird, but she picks up these awful habits from BM that won't eat anything until she's torn it apart with her fingers and examined it piece by piece. After throwing this pile of pretzels into the garbage (since nobody else was going to..), I went to put laundry in her room and found pretzels bits all over her floor, which she'd clearly kicked aside and out of her way rather than pick them up. Found the pretzel bag in the middle of her bed.

She's now working on Daaaadddy to get them an expensive big screen tv for the wall in their room so she can play video games on it and jump around upstairs while she plays her Wii. Yeah, we'll get right on THAT one but it comes up evvveerry single time we have them. Eventually he'll wear down..I just know it !!

Calypso1977's picture

SD13 refuses to eat the crusts of grilled cheese. drives me nuts.
then when seh gets down to the crusts she pulls it apart and then eeither with her teeth or her fingers she gnaws or picks at the cheese to eat that and leave the crust.

she is so gross to eat with. so i just dont.

wth was I thinking's picture

Come to think of it, even my cat got sick of them after a couple months. At first she would sit with them on the couch, let them pet her, etc..., even let them carry her occasionally. Now, as soon as she hears them come tromping up the stairs, she hides in my room until they leave or are asleep.

thinkthrice's picture

My older cat, who is somewhat stand offish, would get slapped or shoved by the "angels" so she soon cleared out when she heard their cloven hooves clattering up the driveway.

My younger cat, who is shy and nervous, dove under my bed and stayed there; daring to come out only when the "angels" were fast asleep.

Lately, I found out that SD, hellion extraordinaire, shot my older cat with her bb gun.

thinkthrice's picture

Bad from day one. BM immediately withheld visitation for 4 months after biodad moved in with me. He sobbed for two weeks straight in lieu of manning up and hiring a bulldog attorney. By then, skids were well on their way to PASdom courtesy of the BM's "team" (BM and her family)

There was never any good behavior--skids acted like animals (my apologies to the animal kingdom) and guilty daddy bought into the COD pity party (TM). Spoiling ensued immediately when he was overjoyed to find BM pursuing internet dating and dumping off the "angels" EVERY WEEKEND. I played "supportive" (read: doormat) SM. Having been a successful, experienced parent, my inner voice completely objected to the ass kissing on the part of guilty dad. As long as I went along with the atrocious behavior and kept mouth shut, biodad kept those rose coloured glasses firmly in place.