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Resentment of 20yr old SS with VERY mild Learning Disability

truetoAK's picture

I have been with DH for 8.5 years now. Yes I know what I got into! I can deal with the evil ex wife, the alienation she had done on the three SD's. The two youngest have visited 4 times in the past 4 years. Twice last year (Feb and March ) and again this year Jan / Feb. The SS, who lives with us and has for the past 9 years (BM walked away from him cause he was "too stupid to be part of her genepool") is acting out even more since contact was reinitiated by the SD's and BM.

The SD's contact SS and then BM starts twisting him to her benefit. He is nothing but a paycheque to his BF and BM now that he is 20 and on goverment disability pension. BF wants to keep him so he gets BM paying support (we pay her $1500/month for the 3 SD's). She pays BF $200/mth, but if he moved in with her, then we would end up paying her an additional $1000 + /mth.

So now that BM is back in the picture, SS is being such a tool. I resent even being in the same room as him. I think to my self, only another $1000/mth and I could be free from this horrible sense of disdain and resentment.
He does NOTHING. I did say he has a VERY mild case of Learning disability(LD) (I was in the field and know how severe it really is) mainly it's laziness and entitlement rather than LD.

Example, yesterday, I bring in 20 bags of groceries, BF went to washroom, SS opened every single bag, looked inside, said "huph" and moved on to the next bag. Never once taking anything out, asking if he could help, nothing, then BF comes out into the kitchen sees me unpacking everything, and finally the SS says "bananas" and takes them out. I sigh and roll my eyes to myself (back turned to both SS and BF) and continue with the unpacking.

Then I hear SS say that I was mean to him! WHAT??!!! I didn't say a thing. I have for the past year or so been a recluse in my own house, won't be in the same room as SS as I am trying to avoid confrontation.

He is done school (grade 12 and an additional semester in welding). He works (pt about 10 hrs/week) as a cook's helper and it is "SO HARD". Now you may be thinking for a LD kid it maybe, but I also put him into Welding school and he did great. SO as I said, it is VERY mild and only when it suits him. He has his own car - which he paid for, but no friends. He prefers to be alone.

His excuse for everything that he is asked to do is... "I'm still learning" or "I forgot" or "I didn't know" or "You didn't say" (even though a list was given to him). I am so tired of the half-a**ed ways he does things. The way he sneaks off without completing the task (like taking out the garbage or cleaning his shower in his basement apartment).

He sleeps till 2 or 3 pm, gets up watches TV/plays video games. He doesn't believe he needs to do anything now. He finished school, what else do I want from him, he asked one day. His grandmother (DH's mom) can only handle him for a week. DH can only handle him for a few minutes. It falls to me to "entertain him" and parent him as DH is the ostrich with head stuck in the same. Feelings of guilt,shame resentment, depression, etc plague him all the time.

I am the bad guy all the time, so I started not doing things. No longer entertaining SS and not really having much to say to him. SS is complaining to DH that I am mean to him and that he feels scared to approach me. Yes this vibe I feel inside me is anger, resentement, feelings of disbelief at some of his "childish monologs about his imagined world he seems to reside in, and somedays pure hate for the whole situation.

I feel like I am stressed to the max, my eye twitches all the time now, I have been disgnosed with anxiety and the stress of all this is killing me.
How do I let go!

DH and I are scheduled to go to counselling this week. Hopefully it's not the same chick as last time - about 15 min into the session, she looked at me with my DH beside me and asked me point blank ... " are you that stupid to stay ". We left. What can I say ' the heart wants what the heart wants and after 8.5 years, I still love DH very much as he does me. But I feel this latest stint with SS is driving a wedge between us. I keep telling myself it's almost over, but it seems to be getting worse!

Okay to end this on a good note... I use to have an amazing relationship with SS until last year when BM came back into this life. SS is a good kid (no drugs, alcohol, etc...)

help...
Thank you

sandye21's picture

If you get the same therapist chick I'd tell her to give you more positive suggestions than "are you that stupid to stay." Or maybe you could ask her for some suggestions to get SS out of your house because THAT it the answer. If SS learning disability is not bad enough to keep him from getting a drivers license, he is capable of getting a job and living on his own. He has the money to do so. You wrote, "It falls to me to "entertain him" and parent him as DH is the ostrich with head stuck in the sand." If DH will not move forward in getting SS out of your house you need to take the lead and tell him to leave.

truetoAK's picture

Thank you for your comments. Valid. Completely valid.

I have made an appointment with the Housing authority to get him on a waiting list for housing. It's a 10-15 year waiting list. SS and DH have been told on multiple occassions to go seek FT employment. "I forgot" is all I get from the SS and DH again - head in sand. DH and I going to therapy, as I have put my foot down and given him a choice. Me or the kid. I know it's wrong and right now I don't care. As for never leaving... Did it once, no problems doing again, but I rather not run from a marriage without trying everything first.

SS has been through paren alientation stuff, therapy , counseling, etc... but everytime BM comes back he reverts to "my mommy really does love me" and I get the very short stick from him. Because "MOMMY IS GOD".

In a way I understand this, as I too have come froma broken home and remember how long it took me to realize my BF was just a donor. I remember both my brother and I always seeking his approval and affection, when none was given.

I also know I over protected SS when his BM abandoned him. Now I guess that's what I'm paying for. For Loving the kid too much.

I al far from a door mat, I tend to rule the roost (as my DH puts it). But when it comes to SS lately. I just can't seem to get through DH as he has buried his head and refuses to acknowledge the problem with SS. Cause it's easier than dealing with it. DH knows I'm serious about leaving.

Without SS, we are good.

truetoAK's picture

Thank you Notasm,

I could kick myself right now, I was a Councillor specializing with Disabled clients for 15 years, that was my schooling. I use to teach "independent living and life skills" to my clients that were living on their own and had someone like me visit them 3-5 times a week to ensure chores were done and groceries done, including meal planning. I since switched career paths and am an Engineer, but I still remember my training. I am setting him up for all this, but the waiting times are 10-15 years for someone with such a mild case of LD. I'm actually lucky they even took him in on the list. I have tried all the tricks of the trade with him. Nothing works - he just doesn't listen to me anymore. MOMMY is back ans why do I have to listen to you is the vibe I get from him.

truetoAK's picture

Thank you Notasm,

I could kick myself right now, I was a Councillor specializing with Disabled clients for 15 years, that was my schooling. I use to teach "independent living and life skills" to my clients that were living on their own and had someone like me visit them 3-5 times a week to ensure chores were done and groceries done, including meal planning. I since switched career paths and am an Engineer, but I still remember my training. I am setting him up for all this, but the waiting times are 10-15 years for someone with such a mild case of LD. I'm actually lucky they even took him in on the list. I have tried all the tricks of the trade with him. Nothing works - he just doesn't listen to me anymore. MOMMY is back ans why do I have to listen to you is the vibe I get from him.

Drac0's picture

Holy crap! :jawdrop:

Did I go forward in time, change my user name and make a blog post about my SS!?!?

Drac0's picture

I get the impression that the OP is already disengaged, but the adult-skid's mere presence is enough to give off bad vibes. Hence why she is "mean". [sarsasm] She doesn't worship the ground SS walks on, so she must be mean![/sarcasm]

But I have noticed this phenomenon too, about children (even adults) chasing after the "sicker" parent. It's like they are holding onto some romantic notion that the parent will come around and be this fantasy-dream parent the kid always wished for.

Orange County Ca's picture

Tell your husband that one of two things is going to happen.
1. By the end of March the boy is out of the house or;
2. Starting tomorrow the boy is locked out of the house as of the moment you leave for work and isn't allowed back in until you return. While away he is to look for work but its really up to him what he actually does. Literally change the locks.

If you find that Daddy is letting him back in (It's too cold/rainy) then you revert to number one and if Daddy fails in that then you're leaving until the boy is out.

All this learning disability crap is turning out a slew of incompetent kids who have found it easy to fall back on their "disability" and don't understand why employers aren't interested in going easy on them. They're actually shocked and the older they get before tossed out in the cold the harder it gets. Many end up living with parents until they literally die out from under them, use up the inheritance, and find themselves helplessly on some minimum disability welfare from the rest of us taxpayers.