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Just need to let it out

Step Witch's picture

Hi all. Firstly I’ve posted here about twice, don’t really need to post, you guys help me a lot with your posts, so thank you!

My heart is so torn apart, SS4 is a little devil and if you don’t keep him in line, he will make and break as he pleases. So now, I’m the only one in the household that gives discipline, I’m the only one who will teach manners. This weekend we went to visit the IL’s, so you’ll understand if I say that its not nice to have a “fight” with a child (that’s not even yours) because of his attitude or manners, in front of his grandparents. I was told that I’m too hard on the child and I need to back off. So I did, what happens, he throws things around if he doesn’t get is way, he screams if he wants something and you’re not quick enough to give it to him and ask DH to PLEASE talk to his child, then he goes all ape sh*t crazy on me.

I’m so tired of fighting with DH and I’m so tired of everyone interfering. The child lives permanently by us, he sees his mother maybe once in 3 months so basically I’m the “mommy”. I know what to do but I just don’t want to fight anymore. Sad

Step Witch's picture

I thought of dumping him for the school holidays on them, simple excuse, we are working and can't look after the child and it’s not like we can go pick him up after work, they live about an hour’s drive away. So maybe just maybe I need to do that. BM can't even look after herself. She is on drugs so we like to keep the visitations to her as little as possible; she doesn’t have a car so that makes our decision just so much easier.
I know DH needs to step up, but truthfully SS is only 4 and if theres "parent" in his live to show him the ins and outs, I take it apon me, I don't want to be judged when he is older and made a mess of his life.


Rags's picture

Next time DH fails to step up and then complains about how you parent or your ILs butt their ignorant asses in to your parenting of the Skid give them both THE look and tell them "If you don't like how I discipline or parent MY Skid then you had better step up and get it done before I have to or keep your ingnorant mouths shut!"

End of issue. They STFU or they step up. That is their only choice.

FTMandSM's picture

If you have SS pretty much full time and he is living in your house, then I say discipline away. And if they say something to you, tell them, "You want me to clean, cook, pay for things, but when it comes to discipline I have no say. Fine you do all those things, I'll disengage and let you handle ALL of it. If you don't like it, too bad." ANd if you watch your SS when DH is at work etc, tell him he needs to find daycare or a babysitter. I hate how SMs of Full custody skids can only do all the "maid" things in the house, but have no say otherwise. I know you didn't really say that you did, but that's usually how it is.

Step Witch's picture

Thank you so much for all your advice. I had a talk with DH and i told him that if you want to keep living the life you live now, go ahead, but don't expect me to drag you and your son out of the shithole one day. He then said, “but he ignores me when I talk to him” awww SHAME!, get him to respect you more and you’ll see the dif. But daddy is a buddy and not a parent, I’m the one who is supposed to be a “buddy” and give candy and do fun stuff with this kid but actually I’m taking on the roll as parent and I don’t even have kids of my own. So do your part in parenting and I’ll do my part in keeping him happy. So we agreed on these terms.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Probably hasn't occurred to you, but the reality is you are a single parent. Kds know how it works. They are pretty smart little cookies. He knows he can get anything he wants, daddy is not going to do a thing about it. He knows he if he kicks, screams, yells, sulks, crys whatever daddy will give in. He knows daddy has the final say, and daddy will get mad at you, if you don't give him what he wants. He has it all worked out. Thanks to your husband.

If you were to take this child and leave your husband, in 6 months you wouldn't recognise his behaviour. He would have clear boundaries, and most importantly, he would have consistency. Your SS is out of control because of your husband. Yes too lazy to get off his arse and parent his child.

Children need boundaries, they need consistency otherwise they feel out of control, when they feel out of control, they behave that wat.

I'm not telling you to leave your husband. But I've lived that life. I found that raising 3 children, aged 2, 6 and 8 alone, was so, so much easier than raising them while being married to a man like your husband. Your trying to do the right thing and your bashing your head up against a brick wall.

Your main focus needs to be on your husbands lack of parenting, if he refuses to be a parent to this child, this is only gong to turn out very badly as this child gets older. If you have no control, no boundaries, no discipline at 4, God help you at 14.

Your husband behaviour is the reason for your SS behaviour. Nothing will change unless your husband does. While I fully understand your frustration WITH the child, I am actually frustrated FOR the child. Because right now he has two bad parents. You are blaming the child when it's hs dads fault and his dad doesn't have enough interest in him to be a real father to him. How can this kid win.

You actually sound like your one of these people who naturally fall into being a parent. You have good instincts. The only thing you've missed here is your getting all frustrated with the wrong person. It's the father not the son you should be frustrated with.

I don't advocate what I am about to say under "normal" circumstances, but if you are going to,stay with this lazy man, then don't fight with him, take control. Don't ask his opinion, do what you feel is right and if he undermines you in front of that child, you let him have it there and then in front of that child. Take charge. Once that child sees you standing up to hs father the child will back down. Right nw he sees hs father as the one in charge and he's right, daddy is getting the last say, so leave daddy out of the picture and you have the last say. The person who needs to be put in there place here is daddy, if he doesn't want to do his job as a father then sideline him. He will either wake up and learn from you, or he will breathe a sigh of relief that you don't bug him about HIS child anymore. Sadly I suspect the latter.

It's up to you, but you do need to see that you are going to be stuck with all the child rearing if you choose to have more children with this man, it's all too much of a bother for hm, so he will always take the easy way out and give in.