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Bribing your child????

VENUS452's picture

Frustrated!!

Halloween is quickly approaching and a few weeks ago I asked SS what he was going to be for Halloween. He became very sad, tears coming to his eyes and said “I have to be a munchkin, because mom said she would buy me a toy if I was”. Instantly, I was angered. He is 5 years old and I believe he should be able to choose what he wants to be (within reason of course) and the fact that she bribed him with a toy just makes it so much worse. He then asked me if I would buy him a different costume, and of course it broke my heart to tell him I couldn’t because I don’t want to cause issues. I told DH to talk to her about it, because SS was obviously upset by this and he just said it wasn’t worth the argument.
Then a week later I found out that she gave her older son (not DH’s child) $100 and a BB gun just so he would cut his hair, because she didn’t like it long. Again, he was really upset to cut his hair, but went through with it because he really wanted the money and BB gun.

I just don’t understand it…how can you bribe your children like that just so you are happy. I will never understand why BM will not allow her children to develop their own personalities and opinions of things. And she wonders why SS is so uncontrollable when he is with her, HELLO you won’t let me be who he wants to be.

Then to really set things off… SS got a shirt from his grandma for his b-day, it was a black shirt with a rhino on it, pretty simple. He was SOOOOO excited because he loves animals that he wore it to school. BM picked him up from school and apparently the first thing out of her mouth was, yuck where did you get that ugly shirt, that needs to go in the trash. So by the time he made it back to our house he was in full devastation. DH goes outside to get him and I could hear SS crying from inside. I couldn’t believe my ears when DH told me what had happened. And again…I JUST DON’T GET IT!!! How can you do something like that to your child? I’ll admit, some of the clothes he picks out are quite goofy…but he’s FIVE YEARS OLD, who cares what it looks like or what “brand” it is, as long as he likes it. How can you break your child’s heart like that, and tell him it’s not cool enough….ugh. I get along with BM as best as I can for SS sake, but sometimes she just makes me absolutely sick!

Fairy dust 28's picture

Omg!! This poor boy is 5?????

There are certain things I won't let my dd wear but mainly because they're inappropriate for the occasion or weather etc... Like wanting to wear shorts when it's snowing outside, and on these such occasions, I will bribe her - "I'll let you go on my iPad for an hour" etc... But not simply because I don't like something??? My mum often buy her character clothing (which I hate!) but seeing the joy it brings her is worth overlooking my personal dislike!

I think some mums look at their children like accessories - wanting their hair a certain way or to dress a certain way!

VENUS452's picture

I agree, there is def. a time and a place for certain clothes, etc.

DH's mom bought him light up Cars shoes one year, and DH and I thought they were super ugly, but SS loved them so he was allowed to wear them. It can't always be about what the parents think are "cool". If I would have been forced to wear what my mom thought was cool my whole life, I would have been dressed head to toe in Oshkosh LOL. But I was allowed to develope my own stle and taste. It just frustrates me to see it happening and know there is not a thing I can do about it.

SMof2Girls's picture

You're talking about a 5yo. My skids are 5 and 7 and have little to no say in any clothing items we purchase for them. This kid has way too much power over his parents.

feels_like_karma's picture

She sounds like a piece of work! She obviously cares more about making sure the kids dress and look the way she wants them to, rather than what they want to. Your DH should bring it up to her, especially with his kids being involved. Maybe it won't do any good if she's the stubborn type, but it's worth an effort. Maybe she'll see how stupid she's being.

SMof2Girls's picture

I don't think this child is quite as "heart broken" as you seem to think. At 5 years old, kids know how to manipulate situations to get what they want. I would be more concerned about what she's teaching this child about acceptable behavior.

Other than that, nothing you can do about it. Your DH is right; it's not worth the argument. You can't control what she does at her house, so just try to set the example and do the best you can in your own home.

VENUS452's picture

I just meant heart broken because, how can you tell your child something they love is "ugly and should go in the trash". I just think thats wrong. BM told DH excatly what she said about his shirt when he asked why SS was so upset. Then she went on to tell him how SS should only be dressed in Gap and Old Navy, etc. because he's going to be made fun of in school. (He's in preschool)

It just frustrates me to see him upset like that and I know 5 year olds can manipulate a situation, but I see it in his everday behavior. He worries kids are going to laugh at him at the park if he isn't good at something. He fears if he eats all of his dinner he will get fat. All these things DH and I have overheard BM say to SS. So I know it's a little more than just him being shy or self concious, it's coming from somewhere.

I know I cannot do anything about it, that's why I come on here...get it all off my chest so I can keep moving forward Smile

SMof2Girls's picture

Has your DH looked into therapy for this kid? It sounds like what BM is doing to him is borderline abuse.

VENUS452's picture

Yes, they actually have mediation in about a month, and his attorney is going to suggest it since when DH brought it up a while back, she got all pissed off.

SMof2Girls's picture

Can he just take the kid to therapy? Is there a reason why it needs to wait for attorney involvement and mediation?

I'm sorry, I just don't know your backstory.

VENUS452's picture

Don't be sorry, I completely understand the questions and I asked the same things. His attorney recommened against just taking him. One of the main issues they are having right now is communication and involving eachother in everything SS does. BM wasn't allowing DH to be involved in doctor appts, etc. even though legal custody gives him that right, she just wasn't telling him. and so on and so on... So the attorney said it would look bad if it went to court, if he was complaining she wasn't allowing him to be involved, just to turn around and not involve her. Obvisouly, it would be a different outcome if in therapy they deemed there was emotional issues but there's no way of knowing what the outcome will be. So he just has to wait.

SMof2Girls's picture

I think that DH should schedule the appointments, and notify BM. Let BM cancel appointments or try to interfere. DH can continue to try and get the child medical treatment.

Even if the kid doesn't get the therapy, DH can go to court proving that he was TRYING to and BM refused it.

Get some input from the kid's teachers. Does his school have a school therapist? Could DH get him into see that person, or maybe a guidance counselor who could recommend therapy? What about a pediatrician?

The key is to not exclude BM. Doesn't mean he can't seek the treatment, he just has to let BM know about the appointments.

VENUS452's picture

Those are excellent suggestions, I didn't think of those. Thanks Smile

over_the_rainbow's picture

I understand your frustration with this - BM does the same things to SD8, especially the part about getting fat. She was skipping breakfast at school, asking how many calories are in everything we gave her to eat. Apparently BM was telling her she'll get fat if she eats, and BM's boyfriend told her 'if you keep eating you'll get a fat a$$ like your mom.' I hate seeing parents do this to their kids.

hismineandours's picture

I have a different take on this. I think you are being played and are overinvolved emotionally. You are taking the word of a 5 year old on some of these things. Not the most reliable reporters. Things get taken out of context. And quite frankly I bribe my kids all the time. If by bribe you mean saying, "if you do a, you will get b". If you do your chores, you can go to a friends house-for example. Perhaps her wanting him to be a munchkin had to do with money and what she had available on hand-and she offered him a toy to help console him in that he couldn't be whatever he wanted. Certainly not stellar parenting, but again I do not think it is anywhere near abusive-and again you are taking a 5 year old's version of events.

And while I gave my kids some choices when they were 5-I had the ultimate say about costumes, shirts, and hair cuts. I did not let them develop their own styles at that age. Now that they are teens they do have more of that freedom.

Your dh is soo right here. These are not things to worry about.

VENUS452's picture

I understand your point of view and not knowing all of the information, I can compeltely understand where your coming from.

Like I said before, I know how kids work and how they can twist things around so that they come out on top. I see it everyday. These particualr instances are ones DH or I have heard from BM as well, I'm not just taking this from the word of a 5yo. DH pays for his costumes every year so money isn't the issue, it's just what she thinks is cute. I get it, he would make a cute munchkin, but he doesn't want to be one, yet his desire for a toy is overcome by that. I'm a firm believer that halloween is for kids and they should get to be what they want (within reason) and DH agrees with that too he just knows she won't budge on the subject and doesn't want to fight with her.

I would also not consider rewarding your children for doing their chores a bribe. Thats a very different situation. I understand what your saying about having the "ultimate say" and I'm not saying SS has total control. We don't take him to the store, hand him money and say pick out what you want. We usually buy his clothes without him present, however he is allowed to pick out his clothes each day. And again I say within reason, we are normal people and don't allow him to wear shorts when it's below zero or something thats innapropriate.

It's just the principle of it all. Offering a toy or something everytime you want your child to do something isn't a great way to approach situations and it makes it more challenging for DH and I as well, because SS expects a toy from the store when he's asked to complete daily tasks like brushing his teeth, etc.

PeanutandSons's picture

Horrible.

for the costume thing.....I can see persuading a child to make a different choice if you have valid objections tk what they want.. But never bribing. Example: my 4 yr old wanted to be a ninja tbis year. But he wouldn't have been allowed to wear the full costume to school for dress up day or to the Fall Festival we attend every year because toy weapons werent allowed. So basically he would be jn a plain black body suit. So I told him no and suggested a knight because even without the sword it still looked like a knights costume.

As for the clothds.....that was heartless and cruel. I hate hate hate charecter shirts..... But when he gets them from my mom I just tell him how cool he looks and let him be happy. And if he did end up with something so hideous that I didnt feel he should be wearing.....it would quietly just be lost in the wash.

Offer to let him pick out a costumd to wear at your house for dress up. Let him be the munchkin with hos mom for trick or treat and he can be whatever he wants to play around at your house.

PeanutandSons's picture

Horrible.

for the costume thing.....I can see persuading a child to make a different choice if you have valid objections tk what they want.. But never bribing. Example: my 4 yr old wanted to be a ninja tbis year. But he wouldn't have been allowed to wear the full costume to school for dress up day or to the Fall Festival we attend every year because toy weapons werent allowed. So basically he would be jn a plain black body suit. So I told him no and suggested a knight because even without the sword it still looked like a knights costume.

As for the clothds.....that was heartless and cruel. I hate hate hate charecter shirts..... But when he gets them from my mom I just tell him how cool he looks and let him be happy. And if he did end up with something so hideous that I didnt feel he should be wearing.....it would quietly just be lost in the wash.

Offer to let him pick out a costumd to wear at your house for dress up. Let him be the munchkin with hos mom for trick or treat and he can be whatever he wants to play around at your house.

VENUS452's picture

That is a great idea! Thank you. I'm feeling much better about all of this now LOL It's amazing how much it can help to just talk about it with people that are not directly involved Smile

step off already's picture

Come on now. Each kid has the choice to accept the bribe or not? If he really wanted to be something else for Halloween, the kid shouldn't take the toy. If the older some really wanted long hair, then he wouldn't have taken the cash and the gun.

This time they did. Maybe they will learn that it was worth the gift or maybe they will decide it wasn't worth it.

Or maybe the youngest will learn hat he can get te gift from mom, go to dad' and cry until he gets the costume he wants and then everyone will be happy... Just a thought.

over_the_rainbow's picture

Well said, tog. As much as I hate seeing parents do this to kids, they have to learn how to handle these situations - it will never stop, and they need to learn to deal with it on their own. It helps to tell the kid that their opinion is important - if he really likes the shirt, he should wear it and enjoy it. We still struggle constantly with trying to get SD8 to understand that BM's opinion is not the only opinion that matters, if she likes something it's ok that BM doesn't like it. If BM doesn't give her any praise whatsoever for getting straight A's, that doesn't mean it's not a great accomplishment or that she shouldn't be proud of herself for working hard.

One thing I's like to add - the only time BM even acknowledged that SD8 was in school was when she got an F on an assignment. Every other paper/test/report card she brought home was all A's, and BM didn't even say good job. SD got that F, and BM told EVERYONE about it. SD was really slacking in school for a while after that, and we think it was a cry for attention from BM - she wanted any attention she could get from BM, even if it was negative. VENUS452 - keep in mind that sometimes kids will seek negative attention if that is all they can get, and it sounds like that's pretty much all he gets from BM. Encourage positivity!