You are here

I need some advice!

Hopeless_stepmom's picture

I've been in a relationship with my DH for 4 years now. I feel like we are at that ending point. I do care about his son. He is 8 and very sweet.. The problem is the BM and my in laws. I feel that our daughter and I are the outcasts of the family. The SS gets special treatment because he is the only one in the family with parents that are separated. Boohoo.. I'm the bad person to everyone in the family because I'm "too hard " on SS . Why am I too hard? Because I make him clean up after himself , make him do his hw and make him shower and brush his teeth... I guess I'm the wicked witch of the west for that... Then there is bm... I've been nice to her fought with and after her last stint of having the cops come to my home, I'll never speak to her again. She hates me because SS. Goes home and talks about me. She knows she can get over on DH because he sets no boundaries. I've bitched and screamed, tried ignoring that situation, gone to counseling and have not gotten nowhere. Now. He wants to play Disneyland dad to his son and masses out on everything with our daughter. I'm beyond over it. I want us to be a family but I'm not sure what to do. He's mad because I want to disengage with stepson because of Bm and her fucking craziness. And it infuriates me that he refuses to set the boundaries with her.. I've come up with really great suggestions and he just blows me off.. My question is will DH get used to me disengaging and get over it? Will boundaries ever be set? I feel this is the only way that we can function here. And y is he so damn mad that he has to do things for his own son now? Not to mention we are expecting a little girl!

Jmtz2013's picture

This is a tough one if you are expecting a child with him. I know it is super challenging to be the one who is seen as the "tough parent" for doing normal tasks like making him brush his teeth and go to bed on time. One day he will respect you for that. Kids really do want boundries set. It makes them feel like you care enough about them to notice. Dad must have lots of guilt over the divorce. I think this is something that must be addressed in counseling. BM? Keep her at bay and don't let her steal your happiness. If she is encouraging SS to talk about you it will only hurt him in the long run. Be extra cautious to never ever say anything about BM in front of him (save it for a safe place like this site). We have all had a moment where we want to loose it and tell the kid everything but it will backfire and only hurt them. I wouldn't disengage from the boy. At 8 he is only a victim of his parents mistakes! We don't get to choose your parents. At the end of the day all the toys in the world don't make up for crazy now do they? Remember,he will also be the brother of your little girl. She will look up to him. Keep working on coming up with suggestions with BD together so he has "buy in". If he helps come up with the solution he won't be as likely to "blow you off". Keep you chin up and find happiness during this time. You and your unborn baby need peace during this time (Mommy yoga???)

doll faced sm's picture

Disengage. Do not discuss it w/ your husb. Telling him will only lead to conflict. Make the change so subtle that no one notices.

SS: Can I have ice cream for breakfast?
You: I don't care; go ask your father.

SS: Can you buy me new underwear?
You: I'm sorry, that's not in my budget right now. Why don't you go ask your father?

SS: *breaks something valuable of yours*
You: DH, SS broke (item); I'll be deducting $$$ from the budget next pay day.

DH: Hey, I need you to take SS to (extracurricular).
You: Sorry, but I'm actually busy.

The last one may require you to have several prepared things that need to be done as DH may being a pseudo interrogation as to what could possibly be so important that it cannot be immediately dropped for SS.

I also agree w/ Foxie; do whatever you can to regain your independence. Being dependent on an ass hat sucks. I know; I'm right there with you.