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Actual Letter Sent to BM

lil_lady's picture

I think you are right this communication thing is getting complicated and out of hand. But at the same time I think we both need to move on, we no longer need to communicate on a day to day basis. I need time with my family to just be with my family and so do you. I don’t mean to piss you off when I reply to you and ask you to keep your time to your time. I do think the kids are better off spending the days we have set aside with the parent they are supposed to be with. It should not be SD6 choice to change who she wants to see and when whenever she wants, she should be able to just be a 6 yr old girl. Her counselor told us to give her a routine and a schedule and stick to it that’s all I am trying to do. On the other hand I don’t know how to say this without sounding rude but I need my own time with my own life and I don’t think that has happened yet. So do you, we shouldn’t have to interrupt each other’s lives day to day. I think we should stick to hand over notes when the kids change houses over email. The only other emails should be for emergencies like one of the kids is in the hospital or sick emergencies. Making appointments on the other persons days really has not worked out. If skids needs an appointment that should be brought up in trade off emails. If something needs to be addressed just shoot a quick email stating something not a question that leads into a conversation. So if there are birthday party’s just forward the info, stuff like that. It seems to me like this would make it so there are less arguments and give us the space we need to move on. Like I said not trying to be rude but I am sick of arguing too.

From ME (aka evil stepmom),
Im sure you know I have read your emails. All I want to say is that BF and I sit down and talk and I let him decide from there. He has always made the final decision it is not my place to do anything otherwise. As for seeing you at the camper no I was not happy with the situation and I was not going to pretend to be. You have bad days as do I, I felt much the same as BF and I didn’t feel what you did was at all right or fair. You called me fake once and from now on I will show how I feel. That being said Im sorry it bothered you that much. I have no clue how to react in this situation as it is not really my place to do anything. However, that day I was very mad and obviously not good at hiding it. I don’t mean to be mean or start a fight but I am past hiding how I feel from you. I think we can all be adults. I hope this gets easier and one day we can stand in a room together without it feeling awkward.

So we sent this after two weeks of dealing with everyday txts and emails, her booking appointments for the skids on our days. Oh and also her absolute freak out on BF when he told her she should be keeping the kids on her days to her time. She insisted that SD6 get to drop off something at her dads house 3 days before we got them. She also insisted on having a drawn out conversation at every point of conversation. Anyways she emailed him back after asking her to back off and keep her time to her time. Calling me names and phoney and its all my fault and im telling him what to say... blah blah blah.

After this email BM has said nothing and then we are on vacation and she calls BF cell phone. He lets it ring and checks the voicemail... its SD6 asking him to call her back. I get this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach but don't say a word. He called her back SD6 has been on vacation for almost two weeks with her BM family. SD6 is calling to ask if she can go visit her grandparents during BF's time. Then of course SD6 can answer all the questions dad has so she hands her mom the phone. We are sitting on the beach by the way enjoying our vacation and BF is on the phone arguing with BM about why SD6 cannot spend 3 odd weeks with her grandparents away from him, we have a 50/50 agreement which was put aside for BMs yearly family vacation. I told BF at that point he better get off the phone on our vacation. BM of course insisted on BF telling SD why and the phone was hung up.

So BF is livid that SD was ever given the option I totally agree now SD is being stuck in the middle and ITS NOT UP TO HER this kid needs structure. OMG what will it take for this woman to get a clue?? Why is her 6 yr old daughter choosing a visitation schedule when we already have one? Are we being unreasonable? I told him it almost seems like it might get to the point where he cant even call SD back. I cant believe someone would do this to their child. BF is at a loss as am I. His only solution is to address the fact that he doesn't appreciate that SD was even given the option in the first place. I don't think that will cut it. But it is really his choice.

lil_lady's picture

I was livid as well it is disgusting. He does not want to drag his little girl into legalities. He just said no and explained that she had already spent dadies days with her grandparents. He missed her and if she went to see grandparents he would miss seeing her again. She was ok after that... point is SD6 was in tears at first. It shouldn't have gotten that far... like you said enraging!

lil_lady's picture

So you don't think SD should be able to call her dad? That was my first gut reaction but I don't think that's fair that's the problem it was not BM calling it was his daughter. He called back because SD6 left a voicemail asking for him to call. SD6 just lost a tooth he thought his daughter was calling for that reason. BM is not allowed to call any longer if she does he wont answer it is through email contact now only. I am sure if there was a problem and BM left a voicemail he would email her back. He is done with her games.

lil_lady's picture

This letter was sent a almost 3 weeks ago our vacation was last weekend... so it worked in my eyes. This was his last ditch effort to let her know exactly what he was going to do.

I am communicating with her because I don't choose to bend over and let someone call me names. If she wants to send something that rude that she knows will get back to me she will hear about it. If she wants to go bitch to her friends and call me names behind my back she can go for it. But I will not roll over and take it that is why I sent something. BM had sent an earlier message in response to bf (boyfriend) email. She didn't like what he had to say and wrote a novel about how phoney and fake I am. Frankly I am sick of it I respect her and have never said anything bad about her to his family or when I knew it would get back to her. She can offer me the same respect and if she cant I WILL let her know it is not needed.

EdgeOfReason's picture

Agreed - Get yourself a copy of Divorce Poison.

I'm debating if this is about control or punishment. I'm leaning towards punishment because she's disrupting your vacation away from her and the kid.

For the kid, I would get a copy of Dinosaur Divorce. She'll find it comforting.

At this point, I would stop trying to talk to BM or reason with her. It's not going to do any good. Migrate her to email and start documenting. Don't talk with her unless you have to.

Become a broken record:

"I'm sorry, we can't accommodate, we already have plans."

As for appointments ... are these medical appointments?

Birthday parties that happen on your time should be your decision on whether sd can go or not.

lil_lady's picture

I will look up that book thank you I have never heard of it. I don't think BM knew we where on vacation it just pissed me off to be frank that was a vent. I think the email did work it was 2 glorious weeks with nothing now she is just finding a new way around it. It is sick and damaging I don't understand why BM's seem to stop being mothers and would rather use their kid as pawn. Its sad it makes me mad and sick to my stomach for this little girl.

I like the broken record idea aswell its something I have suggested in the past to bf but really his call. We just talk about it and he takes the lead.

sam44's picture

I think fightincrazytrain made a very good suggestion a few posts back and it wasn't dragging SD into "legalities". Children relate to what they know, i.e. what they have personal experience of. They know what rules mean. They have written rules in school and they can relate to this kind of structure well. I think it is very important for children to understand that Mommy and Daddy don't just make up the rules as they go along.

lil_lady's picture

^^^ good point I don't see DH seeing it that way but I could try putting it that way to him. His choice at the end of it all. We had our trade day today so he is sending BM their trade off email and will be addressing it. I am curious to see what he has to say. The first night on our set of days SD cried and said she missed her grandma and grandpa.... she went to visit them anyways. BM picked her up an hour out of town late after SD's bed time, SD had to travel for 6 hours to get back home. I guess what gets me is SD had been with her grandparents since tues they couldn't have gotten their shit together to drive her down in time for bed time? This made both SS and SD horribly crabby and grumpy for the next day. LOVELY way to go mom of the century.

Cocoa's picture

in the future if sd hands bm the phone, dad needs to hang up, each and every time. bm can e-mail and ask the questions she needs to ask. if she would have asked this question via e-mail he should respond: "no, i will expect sd at the court ordered time/place." he's too entangled (the arguing proves this). give the answer and hang up or don't respond to further e-mails. i fully believe in letting bm know that from this point forward what she can expect from you in the form of communication - which i believe you accomplished in that long-drawn out letter. and you should NEVER communicate with bm yourself. you yourself need to go radio silence. never address this woman again yourself.

lil_lady's picture

BM tried to txt BF after he sent his portion of daycare on Friday. She told him he owed her more. He waited until Monday when the kids where to go back to her after day care. Wrote her a sentence about both of the kids then added. I do not owe you "said amount" I owe you "this much" as per section 7 of family law. I will not be replying to your text you will have to email me... BAHAHAHAHA She emailed him right back and argued with it now we have found out he is actually overpaying so thanks to her making a big deal she will be getting less. He however did not reply to her and is waiting for his next day that the kids go back to her. This is fairly satisfying to sit back and watch I must say.