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Grrrrrr!! Disengaged then sucked right back in!!

talia11's picture

I am so angry with myself. Things were going well since I stepped right back from SS15 (lives with us full-time), we moved him downstairs so he has a little teenage retreat (pretty cool setup and out of our faces).

The other night though I got sucked right back in. He has been a right asshole of late in general (probably normal emo teenage agnst) and we had quite a normal conversation about what is going on for him (friend at school commmitted suicide in Nov last year so now all the other kids are on ther band wagon etc). Then DH and he start to talk about him having access to a bank account we put money in each fortnight, to use as he sees fit (as a means to teach him some responsibility about money etc).

So he comes out on Sunday night and says, 'so what are the plans for tomorrow?' (Monday). So stupid me bites and says, 'SS15, if you want to ask about going to the bank to organise about the access, just ask'. Well, didn't that set off a shitstorm. He starts screaming that he never even considered that, that we treat him like shite etc. Ended with him facing off with DH who wasn't even involved and DH kicking him outside to calm down. Later SS15 claimed DH was lucky he didn't punch him (laughable as SS is taller than DH but a weedy kid, and DH is an ex-Army PT and bodybuilder).

I am sooooo angry at myself as I got sucked back in with his BS. Why couldn't I just ignore him??!! I knew exactly where his line of questions was going but I bit. Anyone else do this and regret it??

talia11's picture

We don't have separate accounts and contribute to both him and BD3 - him for chores which I don't have a problem with.

The go ask your dad thing is what I do and need to do so more often - I find myself slipping back to answering him!

Convulsive's picture

Maybe, just maybe it wasn't about the bank. The kid has a point in being upset. How would you feel if your husband jumped to a conclusion about you?

talia11's picture

It was about the bank. He has never asked what we are doing on a Monday because we go to work and he goes to school, period. And by his immediate reaction, it tells me is was 100% about the bank, particularly given the issue about it came up only the night before, and he is desperate to use the money to buy a laptop (another story). And I don't think the reaction was in parallel with the question, I just said it quietly. My mistake is what I said, when I should have responded, ' you're goign to school and us work'. When hsi father later questioned him about his outburst he claimed he asked because he didn't know what HIS plans were - nothing to do with ours, which is ludicrous. He doesn't do any after school activites so what would it matter what we were doing?

Also, this is an ongoing issue we have had with SS - he NEVER asks or answers questions dircetly. If you asked him if it was day or night, he would come up with some convoluted answer instead of the simple one.

Aside from that, my whole point was about my stupidness getting involved in the dumb conversation at all!!

furkidsforme's picture

I also have a SS who can't have a word come straight out of his mouth. He also can't answer anything directly.

It sounds to me like he was nervous or embarrassed about wanting to ask about the bank, so when you hit the nail on the head he felt "attacked" in that strange teen age way that no other human understands.

And I would bet you have many more exciting days ahead......

talia11's picture

You're probably exactly right - but no way would he admit that.

Things are progressivly worse, he is gettign very aggressive now and told me he treats the house like a hotel (after I said that is what he thinks it is like) because he does ALL the work around here.... WTF??? his idea of ALL the work is cleaning his room and vacumming the floors... :?

Thorn in my heart's picture

I don't even speak to his kid anymore (SD16). I don't say hello or good bye or howdy hooo or kiss my ass. Oddly enough, she asked me how to cook microwave popcorn the other day (her father wasn't in the room). I just looked at the microwave and pointed. Noooooooo I refuse to get back into the BS with her.

This disengaging is the best thing I've ever done.