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is it ever appropriate to break it down to a skid that you arent their mom and you owe them nothing?

PeanutandSons's picture

Stepmom-in-hiding's post about mother daughter activities made me think of this. I've thought it before and just kind of pushed it out of my head..mostly because I think it when I am super frustrated with my own skids attitudes.

Bottom line....I am not their mom. As much as we all pretend that we are a nuclear family....we aren't. They have moms, and its not me. I am, however, the one and only mom to by bio sons.

I do what I do for them because I chose to....there is no obligation for me to do anything. So their ungreatful give me more attitudes seriously great on me. My kids are my kids....and they are not.

Is there and age or a circumstance where its appropriate to just explain to them the straight reality of the situation?

Using stepmom-in-hidings post as an example....would it be acceptable for her to explain to SD that SD is not her daughter and she will not be included in mother daughter activities every time they do them. That she loves SD and SD is part of the family...but that does not make SD her daughter.

It just seems like all this pretending is so counter productive sometimes and if we could just lay it all out we would have bless issues.

step off already's picture

Bleh! I hate that "peaceful contact" clause in the restraining order. Gives WAY too much room for the offender to play games.

good luck!

Auberry2's picture

I can't tell you when it is appropriate, but I can tell you I have done it, appropriate or not. If it makes it any better, my DH laid it out first, and then I echoed his comments. I just told him that everything that I do for him is out of love, that I am not obligated in any way to do any of the things I do, and if he cannot be more respectful that I will not be doing those things anymore.

momof5_1969's picture

Here's the thing -- if my biological daughter was behaving that way -- I would let her have it -- why do we walk on egg shells with skids? I've stopped walking on egg shells with skids. Enough already. We don't owe any child anything -- no person is entitled to anything beyond the BASICS!

step off already's picture

This is a good point.

And the other side of that coin is that my bios would NEVER treat me or behave the way that SS does when it comes to his interactions with me.

bi's picture

i do think it is ok to do this. sd has always had this insane notion that because i'm with her dad, i owe her a mother, maid, and whatever else she wants from me. she has always been disrespectful and nasty to me. she is sometimes outright with her shittiness, sometimes she's a passive aggressive bitch. she has had the nerve to tell me "i need a dad AND a mom!" she has a mom. i'm not sure what she expected from me. i suppose to be treated just like my daughter, even though she was nothing but shitty to me and NEVER listened to me. it doens't work that way. i told her that i was not going to be half a mom to her. be there to give her money, buy her things and do all the fun stuff, but get told to mind my own business and that i'm NOT her mother when it comes to rules and discipline, consequences and punishments.

when she told me i owe it to her to be there for her while she was pregnant and "help" her "with this breastfeeding thing", (this is coming from someone who ranted and raved when she found out i was pregnant and rejoiced while i was miscarrying and never so much as apologized insincerely for it), i told her that SHE wanted this, i had nothing to do with it, and it is not my responsibility to do anything at all. and i have done exactly that where her pregnancy, baby, and anything at all to do with her is concerned-NOTHING.

in the beginning, i was very good to her. even kept up with it after she started showing her true colors. it took me 4 years to get to the point where i was just plain DONE with it. i think she got used to treating my daughter and i like shit, but still getting the best out of us and expecting me to think of her as a daughter and treat her accordingly and for bd to think of and treat her like a sister. she didn't like it when she found out what her attitude and treatment of us led to. we don't like her. can't stand her. she seriously thought she could treat us like dog shit forever and we would just sing her praises.

so yeah. i think it's perfectly acceptable to lay it out for them.