You are here

Taking the oldest Future SD bra shopping

theoutsider's picture

She is almost 13. And she needs bras, but I guess BM is in denial??
BM has specifically said she does not think FSD needs bras. But FSD specifically asked me if I would take her today. I asked FDH if we should wait until BM comes around and takes her, but he said to go ahead and get her bras if I really think she needs them.
I mentioned I would take her to Victoria Secret (because they measure and make sure you wear the right size bra)
So,... when BM finds out (she will see her kids again Friday after school) I am going to be the one all fingers are pointing at as the mean evil woman who is making the girl grow up too soon and forcing her to wear sexy Victoria Secret bras... (which they have a teen cloth line-- I won't be buying her lacey ones)

Sigh, not to mention FSD is not a very good clothes shopper anyways,...

Wish me luck!

2Tired4Drama's picture

Heartily agree with Cheri on this one. Especially about the kids playing other adults. My SD was going to her prom and was all upset about not having a dress. Her mother has zero interest in clothing or fashion and SD said BM was not interested in going shopping with her. SO and I took then her shopping to look at some dresses but she didn't find any she liked.

A few weeks before prom, she still didn't have a dress and said she was just going to borrow one from a friend. (Money is no object with this family, BTW.) About a week later, I was in a store and saw a dress that I thought was what she wanted and was in her size (which could also be returned). I called SO, asked if he would like me to pick it up for her, and then she could decide if she wanted it or not. He said go ahead. We called SD and let her know so she rushed over with a friend and the dress was absolutely gorgeous on her - both girls were squealing they liked it so much. So, she goes home with it.

The next week, she came back with it and said that after further thought, it really wasn't what she wanted. That was bull and we all knew it - it was surely BM not liking the fact that SO and I had something to do with her prom dress. I said no worries, I can easily take it back. So SD went to the prom in a borrowed dress.

This illustrates that the BM's role (even if she stated she wants no part of it) is still very tricky territory.

GoldenGoose's picture

I totally agree! Heck, my own DD would try this if it meant getting VS bras out of the deal. I would not be very happy about it.

Disneyfan's picture

Why in the world are you looking for trouble?

You know her mom said no, instead of saying I'm not getting involved, you jump right in knowing darn well mom is going to be pissed. If that isn't bad enough, you're taking the kid to VS. Another move you know will piss mom off.

A 13 year old doesn't NEED bras from VS. Macy's, Penny's, Targer,Walmart...all have normal bras(no lace, satin underwire, padding) for young teens.

Sorry,but you deserve all the trouble that comes your way as a result of your actions.

StickAFork's picture

Yep. You're gonna catch all flavors of hell over this one, and you'll deserve every bit.

The WORST part, though? It's gonna come down on SD's head, too. What makes you think her mother will let her keep the VS bras?? Honestly, I weouldn't do this for SD's sake. Her mother is gonna be pissed, and SD is gonna be receiving some of that wrath.

StickAFork's picture

LOL. I guess the PINK thing is popular with the cheerleaders. Lots of sweats and yoga pants! They wear them before/after competitions, and especially on the overnights. My DD doesn't wear them to school. She actually doesn't want to, because she said they look like leggings and not real pants. Wink

This new-almost SM is searching for a hurting. I would so pissed if a SM did this. And as someone who shops at VS, there are NO appropriate bras for a young girl like that. NONE. I tried. All super paddded, lift up, sparkle and lace... nope.

StickAFork's picture

Haha!! My DD's first bras came from Kohls's too! Basic, white only, lightly padded because she was self conscious.

I'm having a harder time with the fact that at TWELVE she already has boobs and a period. They grow up too quickly.

StickAFork's picture

I actually bought the first bras, pads, prom dresses, etc. for SD22. BUT, and this is a big BUT, imo, BM said she was "too busy" to deal with that stuff. I actually spoke with her first (and not XH, which is who it should have been looking back) but she couldn't be bothered to actually, you know, BE a mother. Sad

Disneyfan's picture

A tank over the bra would have worked as well.

A young teen doesn't need a padded bra.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I'm not sure what's with all the hate on VS bras for teenagers... It's making me sort of self conscious. Sad

I mean, once I graduated out of training bras at around 13-14 the real bras my mom bought me were the simple, single cup VS bras (my parents are still married) because she heard they were high quality and not as easily prone to being morphed in the wash. Maybe since she and my dad were immigrants they didn't know the connotations behind it?

I've only worn VS bras since it's what I was used to. Eh, so people who knew me in the locker rooms must have thought I was a loose chick. This is a brain turner for me!

jumanji's picture

Coming at this from a Mom perspective (and having gone through something similar)... Dad really should ask Mom first. Not for her permission, but for her to be aware that he plans on getting kiddo bras.

In my/daughter's situation, she came to me well before she really needed a bra. Because her stepMom told her she felt she needed a bra and she was going to take her. My daughter didn't want to go with anyone but me. I'll be honest, I was offended that stepMom felt it was okay to do this w/o talking to me. Because that was something for us to share. At 11? My daughter did not need a bra. I never said anything to stepMom (we had already had a very nasty situation with feminine products), but I just took my kiddo shopping. Sorry - but this was not her place, given the situation.

StickAFork's picture

A nasty situation with feminine products?? Related to SM?? Oh, do tell.

I'll be honest, if a SM was trying to convince my DD12 to use tampons instead of pads, I'd be all over that like white on rice.

jumanji's picture

When our daughter was ~10, I let her Dad know that I'd taken her for feminine products so that she'd be ready when he time came (and since I started early, it was possible that she would, too). And that she would be bringing some with her the next time she went up there.

Well... The next time she was going there, Dad and stepMom came to pick the kids up. And the both of them went on a tear, literally, Opened up her bag, pulled what I'd bought for her, and threw them all over the front lawn, with stepMom screaming that there was no way in hell "she" (aka me) was sending anything to her house that she didn't agree with. Uuuummm... Imagine being that 10yo. And how mortifying that must have been.

StickAFork's picture

:jawdrop: :jawdrop:

See, I'd have wanted to cut a bitch!

Funny thing is...SMs on here say that same shit... nothing of BM's is coming to THEIR home!! SMH.

StickAFork's picture

OP, I think this is a TERRIBLE idea on your behalf. I think you're vastly overstepping, I think you're likely getting played by a teenager, and I think that you're going to make your life, your SO's life, and your SD's life a nightmare over this because BM will be PISSED. And, quite frankly, she has a right to be.

Also, I wanted to add so that you know where I'm coming from... I buy my DD12 her underwear and SPORTS bras from the PINK side of VS. I've gone looking for regular bras there, but they do not have anything appropriate for a girl that age. Even the most "boring, nonsexy" ones are WAY too sexy for her. (And they cost $40.) I buy her PINK sweats, shorts, etc. (I'm sure I'll get flamed, too.) So I'm not a prude. I've taken both SD's (now 19 & 22) as teens to VS and bought them thongs and bras. I'm not against VS on principle, as many here are.

All that, and I STILL think you're looking for a world of hurt here. Take it from SMs who've been around a long time.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Just out of curiosity, I'm thinking about this from another perspective ...

What if the BF called BM, said he thought DD needed/wanted a bra and he was going to take her shopping for one?

Let's say there was not a SM was not involved at all. Would your opinion of this situation be different - or as the BM, would you still be upset DD's father took her shopping for a bra? Is it because it's a traditional mom/daughter right of passage kind of thing?

What if it were a boy? Would you, as BM, be upset if BF took him out to buy his first razor and shaving cream - if he didn't discuss it with you first?

2Tired4Drama's picture

I guess it depends on the people involved.

Before my SO was even dating anyone and was alone in his apartment, he asked BM to please let him know if/when DD started her period, so he could be prepared just in case it were to happen when DD was with him and to make sure he had the right kind of "supplies" just in case. BM never did.

But BM had no problem moving her boyfriend into the house without discussing it with him. And she also let her BF give DS his first driving lessons - that's usually a father/son right of passage. So BM had no problem stepping into his "fatherly" territory and made it clear he was not welcome in the "motherly" territory either. He was damned from all perspectives. BM called the shots.

Did my SO mind all this? Hell yes. Did he start WWIII over it? No. Because as in most things, he was afraid that by making waves with the almighty BM, his relationship with the kids would eventually suffer.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Oh, and as for right of passage events - not everyone views them the same way. I had a childhood friend who was three years younger than me. Her mother was housebound due to a disability and neither of her parents drove or had a car.

I took her shopping for her first bra and gave her driving lessons, when the time came.

Her parents were always grateful I did both things, and others besides. No hard feelings aoubt loss of "right of passage."

2Tired4Drama's picture

My point here was related to "rights of passage" and not everyone viewing them the same way or with the same level of importance. Not specific to WHO does the event.

My cousin got her first bra as a Chrismas gift - with everyone else looking on. She loved it, spun it around in the air and we got the whole thing captured in a family movie. It is still the most legendary piece of family film footage and other generations (including her grand daughter) love it.

Other families, based on some of the input here, would have been horrified at this "right of passage" being done in such a manner and not reserved solely for the mother and daughter.

Just sayin' - not everyone views these events as such big deals ...

jumanji's picture

I actually know several single Dads who DID take their daughters bra shopping, etc.

As for "male" stuff... I offered my ex every opportunity to do those things with our son. He had no interest. So, yes, I taught him to shave, I bought his first cup/jock strap, I bought him his first condoms.

It's a parent thing, and in general, the parent should have the first option at doing it.

StickAFork's picture

I cannot imagine a man, ANY man, with NO GF/SO/DW around, worrying about his daughter wearing a bra. In all the divorced men I've known, it has ONLY EVER come up when there's a woman as the driving force. (I know, shocker, right?)

As for sons....well, I think the smart thing to do is to buy electric razors. Less chance of hurting themselves. IF my XH had been around when our sons started shaving, I would have definitely asked him if that's something he wanted to take them to do. I really, really worked with my XH to encourage his relationship with our children, and went out of my way and WAY beyond anything court ordered to do it. Sadly, he was MIA before our oldest son reached that milestone. Now, both of my boys shave. Wink

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

Eekkks I would not touch this with a ten foot pole. I don't have any girls, but I think Victoria Secret is no place for a 13 year old girl. Kohls or Target would be more appropriate IMO, and that is after all parents are on board.

jumanji's picture

Coming at this from a Mom perspective (and having gone through something similar)... Dad really should ask Mom first. Not for her permission, but for her to be aware that he plans on getting kiddo bras.

In my/daughter's situation, she came to me well before she really needed a bra. Because her stepMom told her she felt she needed a bra and she was going to take her. My daughter didn't want to go with anyone but me. I'll be honest, I was offended that stepMom felt it was okay to do this w/o talking to me. Because that was something for us to share. At 11? My daughter did not need a bra. I never said anything to stepMom (we had already had a very nasty situation with feminine products), but I just took my kiddo shopping. Sorry - but this was not her place, given the situation.

StickAFork's picture

You are totally clueless, lavender.
The bras you can get at Walmart or Kohls you CANNOT find at VS. Yes, WM sells sexy bras. But, no, VS does NOT sell plain white, lightly padded, appropriate for a 12 year old bras.
TRUST ME.
I've tried. I even asked the lovely VS saleslady to help me find one that was 'basic' and 'not sexy/push up.' It didn't exist.

theoutsider's picture

I JOINED THIS SITE FOR SUPPORT!!!!!!!!!!

I can get bitched at elsewhere, this site is to vent, it says so at the top,...

First of all, I stated I was doing this because I was asked by Future Husband and Future step daughter and BM REFUSED.
I am not trying to butt my nose in somewhere I was not asked to be.

Second, I will not neglect a young girl growing up in an awkward age JUST because BM is in denial that her little girl is growing up. TODAY WE FOUND OUT SHE IS A C CUP!!!!!!!

Third, My future Husband has custody of the kids because BM left them and moved away to live with her boyfriend who does not want kids. AND he ASKED her to go take her shopping for bras. BM refused!!!

Forth, I was ONLY asking for support BECAUSE I KNEW IT WOULD NOT GO WELL and would fall back on me. I am willing to take it on eventhough I know it will cause a backlash because I care about the kids.

AND finally, I did take her shopping to Victoria Secret BECAUSE THEY MEASURE AND MAKE SURE SHE WAS WEARING THE RIGHT SIZE. They DO have NON SLUTTY bras in spite of what they are "known for" she picked out two that were THICK CLOTH AND BEIGE in color.

I am seriously considering leaving this site,........

I thought this site would be a place to build up and support each other as we are all going through similar experiences.
Sharing stories is one thing, but a majority of you were dead set on verbally attacking, telling me I'm "just a girlfriend", match meet lighter fluid, that I'm overstepping and "trying too hard" to be a best friend to the kids, virtually bitch slapping me,.......

All I see from the majority of you is bitterness, you've had such bad experiences with your new families all you see is the negative
Yes there are bad times but you are all so negative, you attack and squash me before you even know me.

2Tired4Drama's picture

I agree getting thoughtful opinions, even if they disagree with your own, is one thing. It can be helpful to see things from a different perspective. Doing it in a nasty way is something else.

Not pointing fingers at anyone in particular but I don't understand why some posters feel the need to attack first, ask questions later. Making snide remarks about someone's on-line name or judging them on their their marital status is uncalled for. None of that can be considered constructive criticism or having someone's best interests at heart.

It's a shame that things devolve so quickly. One person makes a snap judgement or snide comment and others feel the need to pile on. I don't get it ... other than forums like this are the Wild West - where shooting from the hip (and mouth) comes before knowing if they should even be taking aim.

jumanji's picture

Oh, I don't ignore the VS reputation. And my daughter does have some VS bras. She's also 19. (But I think she first started shopping there ~16..) She likes Aerie, because they're cheaper.

Pretty much any department store measures. Claiming that only VS does? Says that either OP is clueless, or she is is being deliberately controversial.

jumanji's picture

Oh, I don't ignore the VS reputation. And my daughter does have some VS bras. She's also 19. (But I think she first started shopping there ~16..) She likes Aerie, because they're cheaper.

Pretty much any department store measures. Claiming that only VS does? Says that either OP is clueless, or she is is being deliberately controversial.

jumanji's picture

Uuhh... If you will go back and read my posts on this thread, you'll see this was an issue when she was 11ish. So I do have a clue.

Jsmom's picture

Do not do this...You are stepping on BM's territory and it will bite you in the ass. SD begged me to, and I said no. BM finally did and then the following week she was here, I did it with her and bought them for our house. They didn't take clothes back and forth. But, I did make sure that I bought at least three normal ones and one sport one for her.

This is a touchy subject, up there with hair cuts, ear piercing and all the other mother daughter things....

theoutsider's picture

She just developed within the last three months..... She also grew about six inches.... She does not have a weight issue.

ltman's picture

VS cup sizes run small. It helps them sell bras. I think I bought my first bra. Mom WAS in denial.

RedWingsFan's picture

I wouldn't touch this one, OP. Let the dad figure it out but don't start a war with BM. It's not going to be pretty.

SMof2Girls's picture

While I understand the mother/daughter bonding argument, I don't see how I would get around this issue when the skids are old enough.

Sure, I could send DH with the girls to bra shop. It would likely be embarrassing for everyone involved.

We won't get out of taking them shopping eventually. BM refuses to send any clothes when they come to our house, and refuses to return anything that is sent with them to her house. So unless that changes, we will HAVE to take the skids shopping for bras so they have some when at our house.

It seems extremely petty to me to need to be the "first" one to take the skids shopping, especially if both parents will have to do it individually anyway. *shrugs*

jumanji's picture

I think a lot depends on the relationship between the parent & child. I don't think, when a parent is tight with their kid, it's "petty" to want to share the milestones of their lives. For a mother/daughter, a lot of that is "rites of womanhood" stuff. Like getting first bras, etc. For a father/son, its "rites of manhood" kind of stuff. The opposite gender parent should understand that, and offer that opportunity to the other parent. If there is no interest, then the should take it upon themselves.

Yes, I do think it's a shame that so many men are still so embarrassed by natural functions of a woman's body (menstruation, development, etc.), that they cannot bring themselves to take their daughter to buy a bra or make sure that they have the appropriate feminine products.

Conversely, a lot of women find it difficult to talk about/deal with their sons' burgeoning sexuality. It's just silly.

SMof2Girls's picture

I see a lot of talk about these "rights of womanhood" arguments on Steptalk. I can honestly say that I don't look back at any of those times of my life with any type of sentiment or concrete bond.

When I got my first bra, my entire family went with us to Kmart. I was "passing into womanhood" while my mom picked up some socks and my brother bought air freshners for his car.

I wonder if these "rights" really even existed before the dynamic of blended families came about. I remember very clearly having the "birds and bees" talk with my mom .. it was awkward and weird and I couldn't wait to get out of the house and hang out with my friends again. Now that moms have a perceived "competition" in stepmoms, it's now about staking claim and making rituals and traditions out of events where they may not have really existed previously.

All that being said, I have no intention of "stealing BM's thunder" or robbing her of this "womanhood right of passage." DH wouldn't intentionally do it either. But neither of us is going to sit by and let BM dictate when we buy the skids the things they need at our home. She doesn't get to dictate anything else about how we run our home either.

I personally don't think it's a big deal. It clearly is for some other people. Different lids for every pot.

jumanji's picture

I don't think I said anything about "rights". Nor do I think it matters all that much as to what others did. As I posted, MY daughter wanted to do this with me, rather than her stepMom. I didn't think that unreasonable given our relationship. We made it a fun day - went shopping for all sorts of clothes, bras among them, went out to lunch, etc. Why does this offend?

Nor do I see why it offends that a parent offers the other-gendered parent the opportunity for similar "rites of passage".

bi's picture

overall, i agree that this is mom's territory. however, i look at it from a different angle because of how my own mother was. she is the one who made me start wearing a bra and i didn't want to, but it reminds of a shaving issue. i was 11 and had thick, long, dark hair on my legs and under my arms. she refused to let me shave. it was ridiculous. she claimed the hair was blonde. i am not blonde and neither is my body hair. she was just being purposely stupid and she had no good reason for it. if i wore a dress and nylons, you could see knots of hair under the nylons. my mom was just being a bitch.

i complained to my older cousin who was 16 about it. she told my mom that she needed to let me shave, the hair was dark and long and she could almost braid it! she was respectful and tried to be funny about it. and it worked. i begged and pleaded to no avail. my cousin said something to her and suddenly i was allowed to shave. :?

so my take is that if something is needed and mom is being a dipshit about it, if dad says it's ok, then maybe it's best for the kid for you to do it. BUT, tread carefully. does she REALLY NEED a bra? is she getting breasts or does she just want one? it's tricky territory. if i was commenting only as a bm, i would say you have no business doing that, especially if bm doesn't want it done. but as a former child of a POS mom, i take other things into consideration, like the possibility that bm is neglecting a need of the child's.