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Don't know what to do!!

Canttakeit2's picture

This is my first post, even though it is long overdue. My situation is so complicated.
I have a 6 yr old stepson who I think will be gay. He is extremely feminine and over the top. Always twisting, twirling, and playing with my birth daughters girly things. He even always requests a girl toy if we get fast food. All of this has never bothered me bc he has been this way since i met and married my husband 3 years ago. My problems now is I have a 2 year old son with my husband and the last few times my stepson has been over, he has been very inappropriate in his behavior with my son. I've caught him kissing my two year old in the mouth, he has held my two year in a very sexual position while rubbing his butt, and tonight he had my son under the covers while rubbing his back. Each of these times I have fussed at and yes even spanked my stepson. My husband doesn't react hardly at all. Hi reply- don't do that. Well tonight after the undercover situation I went off on stepson. My husband's reaction: he called his ex wife to say that I'm not comfortable and my stepson needed to go back with her. Of course the ex blew up saying her son was just showing brotherly love and that there is nothing wrong in anything he did. Am I the one overreacting here? My husband feels there is validity in how I feel and how his ex feels. He is now saying that on the weekends he is scheduled to get his son he will just get a hotel room to keep me from being uncomfortable. In addition to the 2 yr old we also have an 11month old together. At this point I just feel confused, am I overreacting??? Sorry so long!!

dad'swife's picture

My little brother displayed the same tendencies (minus the touching) when we were kids. We always knew he was gay. He would wear my mom's shoes and pretend he was talking with other women while holding my mom's purse. Once he got older we were just waiting for him to officially tell us but we always knew.

Instead of getting super angry, though I understand because you go into mamabear protective mode, your DH needs to tell his son that it is NOT okay to touch other people in that way. This is something that needs to be told to him over and over. I cant say whether it is sexual or not, because he is still kinda young himself, but maybe talking to a counselor and having them explain boundaries would help.

StickAFork's picture

I think that yelling at, spanking, and sending away this six year is WAY out of line.

How about talking to and teaching this young child about acceptable physical boundaries?
Has anyone ever examined whether he's been abused?

Jellybean76@hotmail.ca's picture

My stepdaughter is very much drawn to boy thigns. She picks boy toysm=, wears batman socks and is always mistaken for a boy. \she says she is going to marry a girl when she gets older. I do not know if she is gay, but she openly says she likes girls and dresses in her brothers clothing. Perhaps. She also has done siome inaapropriate touch (has tried to grab her brothers privates as he is playing the Wii), pre-occupied with pulling down her pants and talks alot about weeinie and priate spots., We are trying to teach her about privacy but she is very disrespectful and ignorant to our teaching.

fedup13's picture

Abuse red flag for me too. If not abuse, then neglect by being exposed to age inappropriate sexual behavior be it on t.v. or in person. Either way, this is learned and/or modeled behavior and it needs to be addressed regardless of his sexuality.

Canttakeit2's picture

Think it is more the tv shows the kids are allowed to watch. However the mother has also had several live in boyfriends. So it's no telling what all as has been exposed to.

fedup13's picture

I do not think you are overreacting. Your instinct is to protect YOUR child and there is nothing wrong with that. DH needs to figure out what is going on and protect his other children until it is addressed/handled.

Canttakeit2's picture

In his home with his mom there are no boundaries. These are little kids who watch all types of sexually explicit movies, via her teenage son. Both his mom and dad, my husband, are in denial about his behavior and even though they both admit that he is feminine, they see nothing wrong with him kissing his brothers in the mouth. My husband thought it was funny when he kissed his older brother (my nine yr old stepson) in the mouth and stated 'I know pronounce us husband and husband'. My husband's response: he is just joking. My fear is my two year old thinking it is ok to let someone touch him like that, since the person showing him this behavior is his brother.

fedup13's picture

They can be in denial all they want about his sexuality, but they cannot and should not deny his perping on other kids, no matter how innocent it starts off. Being under the covers and rubbing a two year old, kissing other children on the mouth, is not something that is normal or funny or to be shrugged off. He is not joking, your DH just doesn't wan to confront an issue he is very uncomfortable about, because that would shatter the illusion he has built about the child's sexual tendencies. You are right to fear that about your two year old, if his brother can do it and Daddy says it is ok, well, then it must be ok for someone else to do that, or worse. Stand your ground.

silentnites's picture

Hmmm...Okay, a little tough situation here. I am in no way a professional, but your instincts could be very reasonable and correct. I would put the gender choice issue aside for a moment. I do not believe at age six they have the capability to have sexual type feelings.....but, I am not positive at all on that. What is he subjected to at his home? If he sees sexual type movies or hears conversations in that area, it very well could be a reaction or a type of curiosity. Do you have any reason at all to suspect he himself could be being sexually abused at all? I am only putting it out there as a thought. Sometimes abused children mimic what they are experiencing, a sense of power that has been taken from them.

The kissing on the mouth seems pretty innocent in of itself. I have two stepgrandchildren ages 6 and 2, and I have seen the 6 year old kiss the younger on the mouth, a short 'I love you kiss', not long and lingering..was it that? or just a peck? The other incidents you described would have me concerned. They do not seem to be normal, but again I am not sure. I wonder though, it seems odd to me that your dh called his ex right away, and very quickly put the blame on you. Is there anyway in your dh's behavior that you might feel maybe he sees this as inappropriate too, and just did not want to deal with it?

What was your ss's reaction when you spoke to him about it?

Canttakeit2's picture

My ss's response was to act even more flamboyant. The day I spanked him for kissing my son, he went and put on a crown and dubbed himself the pretty little prince and twirled around the house. I gathered up my baby sons, went into my bedroom and closed the door. My husband didn't see anything disturbing ab him twirling and holding his shirts out like a skirt.

dad'swife's picture

:jawdrop: Why would your husband think that is funny? That is the perfect opportunity to let him know that that is not okay. SMH!!!

Canttakeit2's picture

My suggestion to my husband was to sit down and talk to my stepson. Instead he packed his bags and took him home. If my husband and his ex wife don't see anything wrong, what can I do?? I admit I have fussed at him each time i caught him. However the one time I spanked him was when he was kissing my son in the mouth. That is the time I yelled too.

Canttakeit2's picture

My dh is a very non confrontational person. He does not know how to handle any situations directly. I am dreading the day our sons get older and need guidance, bc I know it won't come from him. My ss's response was to act even more flamboyant. The day I spanked him for kissing my son, he went and put on a crown and dubbed himself the pretty little prince and twirled around the house. I gathered up my baby sons, went into my bedroom and closed the door. My husband didn't see anything disturbing ab him twirling and holding his shirts out like a skirt.

fedup13's picture

Wow. I am sorry, but if he acts like this all the time, your DH knows, he just won't admit it. The tendencies themselves, he come by natural in my opinion, I think people are born gay. I have several friends, and we all knew they were "different" even before we knew what sex was. They did not play with boys, they did not act like the boys, they were, one of us, one of the girls. Some people can and do "choose" to be gay, bi, whatever, and some are just born that way. He should not be faulted for the way he is, but, he should not be allowed to mess with your kids.

Canttakeit2's picture

I've been in my ss's life since he was three. He will be seven this year. I've never made him feel bad about being overly feminine. I've only started fussing since he has crossed the line by touching my son.

giveitago's picture

SD is openly, outragiously, gay, DD has a long term girlfriend too and I will not condemn them for it. I think there are boundaries that apply to any gender or orientation and they should be maintained.
This is a serious boundary issue, your DH is not oblivious by any means but he is a bit in denial. That he packed SS's bags and sent him home gets that message over, regardless of who he 'blames' and he probably should spend some time at an hotel for the visit at least.
Suggest to him that the visit includes a conversation about respect for other people, he's old enough to understand respect.
Once the boundaries are in place then SS can come to the house, I wouldn't blame you one bit if you were extra vigilant but, seriously, unless your sons have gay tendencies then they will just brush it off. I suspect your sons will grow up to know and understand more fully, society is full of openly gay folks since they are more widely accepted.
There's much more known about gender disorders now and I am sure that homophobia will still exist. Can you look beyond the gender issue and see the child inside? Just a thought! Acceptance and parental love are important to all children, if it's absent then a child will act out in order to get the desired attention, even negative attention! Gay children are still a bit of a misnoma to me, even though my own daughter is 'out' and in a relationship with a girl. I never saw any 'tendencies' when she was a child, but then I was not looking for any! I have friends who are gay guys, they are hillarious! I'd give the boy a chance, just make sure the conversation about boundaries happens. Actually that conversation should happen with EVERY child!

christinen's picture

I think your DH should take SS to the doctor to be evaluated. It sounds like he may have been abused at some point because where does a 6 year old learn this behavior? The kissing may not be a huge deal, but the sexual positions? He had to have either seen it somewhere or had it done to him. That being said, while it may not be the skids fault he was exposed to this, you still have to protect your child and prevent SS from abusing him. I don't have kids of my own, but I imagine I would FLIP if I walked in on this happening to my child. I don't blame you one bit for sending him away! He needs help!

Canttakeit2's picture

Thank you all for your comments. My dh says he is going to sit and talk with my ss to see if anyone has ever touched him in an inappropriate way. That conversation has yet to happen though. However today my dh brought my stepson back over for family dinner. This time the ex-wife sent her oldest teen son ( not my dh child) to come along. I'm assuming he came to make sure I wasn't mean to my ss. So now this went from a situation where I was simply looking out for my two yr old, to now having a teen here overlooking things. And no my dh didn't see a prob with the teen coming over.

Canttakeit2's picture

Ok. But he was not exploring. The first time he was laying on his back with my two yr old laying on his stomach and he was caressing my son's butt. The second time he was kissing my son in the mouth. The most recent time he had my son under the covers doing who knows what. I've never made this child feel bad about how he is as a human being. I only addressed him when he went to far in his behavior with my DS. To me his behavior is way more than just exploring.

giveitago's picture

He's still a child, he's your DH's son. I agree that it's aggravating at times when he puts on the flamboyant displays. I also get that children get 'curious' and have no inhibitions.
The boy needs to know that it's not acceptable to molest (put it in a different context that a child can understand...maybe touch?) another child.
It's my opinion that kids will repeat behaviors, any behaviors, if it looks like it's OK with adults. I get that spanking does not have much of an impact on a rebellious child, consequences do though! Consistent consequences make an impact on most folks, regardless of age or gender.
I get that DH could be very much in denial, how about telling him that inappropriate touching is an issue to be addressed with all children, that potential pedophiles look for vulnerable children and if your youngest believes it's OK for the older boy to touch him then he is immediately in an 'at risk' group of children. A two year old absorbes much more information, or misinformation, than most folks give credit for. Your concerns are very valid, it's how to get it accross to your DH that seems to be the problem. DH needs to be on board when you chastise the boy, maybe DH has not actually seen this occurr? Maybe DH needs to know that this behavior can escalate and impact schooling, the boy could touch a younger child in school and all hell will break loose! Ask him 'if you think I am irate right now, dear, then try dealing with the fury of a complete stranger who's child has been touched by your son'. Suggest to him that there are other parents out there who also want to protect their kids. Do some research and show him case histories?
This sounds like something you might have already looked at though...
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Child-Behavior/6-Year-Old-Boy-Behavior-Issu...

omgsaveme's picture

Okay do we all remember playing doctor and show and tell as a kid ? It is not appropriate but it is not out of the norm. You, DH, and BM need to teach and EXPLAIN that it is not ok. The BM making excuses for her kid doesnt help. If you had spanked my child, Id be in jail right now. That is NOT your place.

giveitago's picture

I agree with you, the giggly games are commonplace with kids and none of us came to any harm. While in loco parentis, however, if someone's child molests mine I will have to take a measure he/she may not like much, especially if he/she is not willing to take the required steps to try and stop it happening, a conversation on boundaries for instance, or some consequences. It's a parents job to teach a child boundaries, good manners or what's expected of them when out in society.

omgsaveme's picture

Sorry I meant to say it is NOT appropriate for the kids to touch but it is not outside of the norm. Exactly giveitago, children are taught these things. If children were not taught to not touch there would be guys going around groping women all day every day lol.