You are here

Need some advice please!!??

Shoshanna's picture

Hello fellow SM's. So glad I found this place, wish I had found it YEARS ago. . .lol. Anyhow, my problem (one of many) is this: Darling SD is 16 going on either 12 or 20, depending on who she's dealing with. I have just had her living in my home for 2 weeks over Xmas, as she has break from her 'alternative school,' (don't even get me started), and her uncle got her a temp job in his store close to our home(SD and hamburger-brained BM live about 30kms away). Funny thing is DH works out of town and has been gone 10 days of the 2 weeks, so SD has been my resp. Good times. My biggest prob is not that she's entitled, selfish, sociopathic, lazy bitch. My problem is that while she was at my home, so was my MIL,who I love, but is kind of a different duck. Shes only 53 and I'm 36, so we're kinda more pals than anything.2 years ago SD decided that she wasnt coming for christmas even though it was 'our turn.' MIL talked to SD on the phone and SD was so horrible to MIL that MIL called SD a selfish bitch. Whoops. While I secretly applauded MIL, it did not go over well with the rest of the family. MIL apologized many times, but of course SD did not. This "child" gets away with murder. Anyway, during the visit SD was SO unacceptably rude to MIL that I don't even have to words to describe it. IHAVE TO SAY SOMETHING TO SD BECAUSE I HAVE EFFING HADIT!!!!!!!!! I let so many things go, but this makes me so crazy angry I want to punch SD in the face. DH is torn between knowing his child is borderline sociopathic and loving her unconditionally of course, so he cannot be relied on to discipline her appropriately. BM is Borderline Personality Disorder so no help there either. I have 8 years of history with this child and her mother so I am not using these terms lightly. I am also a Social Worker with some experience with personality disorders. I love my DH. and we have 2 beautiful girls together, but hadI been able to see the future I would have run away screaming like I was on fire.Anyway, not only was my SD totally horrible to her grandmother, she pilfered all my diet bars (4$ a pop), told me she could get her temp boss fired for harassment if he didn't change the music at the store to her liking, took money from my car cosole without asking, and was totally unkind to her kittle sisters. HELP!!!I need to say/do something, but I'm so stuck bc I'm married to her dad. Sorry this was so long but gawd, there's so much history!!!!!!!

Shoshanna's picture

Thanks. I am resentful bc if I set boundaries with DH AND BM about what I will and will not do for SD, it just causes me more problems. No one tells this child how to behave. Her mother and my husband created this monster from a one night stand when they were in their late teens. My DH has done more than many fathers would, and I have done more than many SM's would, but I am close to being done as her shit behaviour and disrespect just cause me and my DH to fight agh!!!!

Orange County Ca's picture

Tell husband that the kid is not to be under the roof unless he is there. End of subject.

giveitago's picture

We have sociopaths, SD and SS 19 (twins), they will never change. One of the things I learned is that they do stuff to get a reaction, any kind of reaction, from anyone at all! It's really hard but calm is the key. Say things in a low, maybe menacing, tone and be sure to follow through on any consequences, regardless of what DH says! This is your home, if someone disrespects you in your home you have the right to deal with it as YOU see fit. One other crucial thing I learned was NOT to rely on DH to issue consequences. If the twins leave dishes in the sink then I leave them too! If DH wants to run after them then he can! If they occupy the laundry room for more than one day their clothes are trashed. I do not ride them places or give them money. On these issues I am resolute and DH knows I mean business and he doesn't try to undermine me like he used to...that was hard to deal with! Guilty/Disney daddy did not even come close!

Shoshanna's picture

It's so complicated bc she had 'attempted suicide,' recently, and by that I mean she took pills for attention. Please don't get me wrong that I am some unsympathetic witch, but I KNOW this child does not want to be dead. Point is, her father and my DH basically is snowed completely by her bullshit histrionics. I'm immune to her bc I don't love her like he does. Sure, I feel sorry that she has a narcissistic and hamburgerbrained mother and an inconsistent father, but bc of this 'attempt,' if I say boo about her bad bevaviour, he chalks it up to all her problems, and I become the heartless one. Ugh. It's quite sickening. Her mama is where she learns her crap, so no help. I want to write a letter to DH, explaining her attitude while she was here, but any way I imagine the letter in my head just sounds like hate mail. . . .lol