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Disengaged before I knew that was a "term"

MaidJane's picture

Please be kind, this is my first post, but definetly not my first bout of frustration and anger.
I am 34, and live with my partener and 17 year old SS, he is one month away from 18.
I started out with what I thought was a fairly good relationship with my SS. Once I moved in, things went down hill fast.
My SS has taken over our lives, I live for the days he is gone.
So in a nutshell..... My SS has a abnormal (for a 17 year old) attachement to his father, he claims that his dad is his best friend. Unfortunatly, dad treats him as that. When we are all at home, I might as well not be there. SS puts himself physically between his dad and me and inturupts so I have taken to just walking away.
SS is sweet as pie to me, but only if his dad is within earshot. Otherwise, he is rude, and disrespectful. His origanal "go to" quote to me was "its called I dont give a F*** Maid Jane" but his dad did overhear that once so now SS has reworded it to "Im really not to worried about what you think MaidJAne" Essentially telling me where to go and how to get there in nicer terms.
SS refuses to do anything. School work is non exsistant, dad asks him if he has homework, SS always says no and dad doesnt follow up on that. (SS failed his grade 11 year, so is now trying to do 11 and 12 in one)
SS steals fuel, or if there is none to take he will help himself to one of his dads trucks.
SS hasnt brushed his teeth according to my count for 5 months now. ( I clean the bathrooms and his tooth brush and paste havent moved since I bought them for him)
He was asked to do 2 chores, take out the garbage and feed the dogs, he does neither.
he refuses to clean his room, I have to close the door when Im home as it smells so bad.
He refuses to change his clothes, socks, or even wash himself regurlary. It is difficult to have family meals as he smells so bad.
He sits up most nights playing video games until the wee hours. During his summer holidays, he made no attempt for any social interaction at all. He didnt go out with any friend even once.
All of my above "complaints" are not dealt with at all by dad, there are NO repurcussions or punishments given. But he will reward SS for something as mundane as removng his plate from the kitchen table.

SS will literally sit in his room waiting for his dad to come home.
SS will follow his dad everywhere, even when dad is in the bathroom SS will stand there and talk through the door. We have no privacy at all, SS will call his dad a average of 8 to ten times in a day when dad is working.
SS inserts himself into myself and dads social situations to a point that friends dont like to come by as he makes them feel uncomfortable.

I noted signs prior to me moving in that SS has bookmarks of a child on the Autistic Spectrum. He rocks when he is overtired or stimulated, he has no filter, his odd attachment to his dad, his writing is that of a grade 4 or 5 child with letters being reversed, his refusal to wash himself etc.

We have spoken to a counceller who has told us that he belives SS has Aspergers and some borderline personality indicators as well. Dad will do nothing about this possible diagnosis. The counceller was very frank and suggested that with SS, we will have him as a dependent forever and we need to start looking into other living arrangements for him as violence is a possibility. SS did come at his dad this summer but like all other issues, dad said nothing and did nothing. (Bio mom has undiagnosed borderline personality disorder, severe gambling, drinking, and drug abuse issues.) Dad wont discuss with me or even our counceller about the severity of this possible mental illness.
Im lost, I dont want to go home after work, I dont want to see SS, and just hearing his voice stirs anger in me. This is not me and it tears me up that I am even capable of feeling this kind of anger towards a child. I am talking to a brick wall at home, but am truely afraid that I am looking at the rest of my life dealing with a dependent adult and a dad who prefers to look at the world through rose coloured glasses.

Pilgrim Soul's picture

This must be really hard to deal with. If the disability underneath all that, you need to act quickly to get him diagnosed ( call some area hospitals, ask for a psychiatrist/neurologist/may be even developmental ped.), then register him with a state agency that takes care of people on the autism spectrum. He needs to be on the list for the group home, etc. Ask the counselor for referrals. What about school? Is he on track to graduate in May or not? Does he have an IEP? He could stay in school till he is 21 if he has a true disability. What is the plan for next year?

MaidJane's picture

To be honest it is awful.
We are in Canada, and the counceller that suggested my suspected diagnosis told us the first step is getting him assesed through Mental Health, this will get him into the system before he turns 18. Dad has refused through silence to act on this. SS turns 18 at the end of the month.
As for school, I dont belive he will graduate. He has a course load that would overwhelm even a good student, he does no after school study, and hasnt asked for any help.
Dad has said that SS must move out once he has graduated, but 1) I dont see graduating happening 2) Dad has not followed through with any rules or retrictions in the past so I sadly dont see this changing.
From what I am seeing and from hearing dad talk, he wants to beleive that "his boy" is normal, and all of SS actions are that of a normal teenager. Following through with any of the councellers suggestions would mean that dad has to accept that his son has a problem.
I am almost to the point of walking out like Tuff Cookie mom suggested, I feel like Im screaming for dad to help SS but all that dad is hearing or wanting to hear, is circus music....

Pilgrim Soul's picture

The plot thicekens.... I would do an intervention with dad then. Find a figure of authority - member of the clergy? older relative? pillar of cummunity? - and bring them in, sit the dad down and tell him in no uncertain terms that he has to wake up as his denial is hurting the son. Use the professional/relative to reiterate the same thing to him as nauseum. Then decide how and where the SS's issues could be investigated... you are not going to lock him up but have him evaluated further so he could get the help he needs. It is not about the dad's ego - fathers are often in denial - it is about getting the son the help he needs to live up to his potential. Stress the positive. He has al ot of potential but needs help.

Good luck!

You could also reach out to an autism support group, something like Autism Canada to ask for guidance in your particular situation.

MaidJane's picture

To be honest it is awful.
We are in Canada, and the counceller that suggested my suspected diagnosis told us the first step is getting him assesed through Mental Health, this will get him into the system before he turns 18. Dad has refused through silence to act on this. SS turns 18 at the end of the month.
As for school, I dont belive he will graduate. He has a course load that would overwhelm even a good student, he does no after school study, and hasnt asked for any help.
Dad has said that SS must move out once he has graduated, but 1) I dont see graduating happening 2) Dad has not followed through with any rules or retrictions in the past so I sadly dont see this changing.
From what I am seeing and from hearing dad talk, he wants to beleive that "his boy" is normal, and all of SS actions are that of a normal teenager. Following through with any of the councellers suggestions would mean that dad has to accept that his son has a problem.
I am almost to the point of walking out like Tuff Cookie mom suggested, I feel like Im screaming for dad to help SS but all that dad is hearing or wanting to hear, is circus music....

MaidJane's picture

To be honest it is awful.
We are in Canada, and the counceller that suggested my suspected diagnosis told us the first step is getting him assesed through Mental Health, this will get him into the system before he turns 18. Dad has refused through silence to act on this. SS turns 18 at the end of the month.
As for school, I dont belive he will graduate. He has a course load that would overwhelm even a good student, he does no after school study, and hasnt asked for any help.
Dad has said that SS must move out once he has graduated, but 1) I dont see graduating happening 2) Dad has not followed through with any rules or retrictions in the past so I sadly dont see this changing.
From what I am seeing and from hearing dad talk, he wants to beleive that "his boy" is normal, and all of SS actions are that of a normal teenager. Following through with any of the councellers suggestions would mean that dad has to accept that his son has a problem.
I am almost to the point of walking out like Tuff Cookie mom suggested, I feel like Im screaming for dad to help SS but all that dad is hearing or wanting to hear, is circus music....

MaidJane's picture

Wowthisishard, you are so right. (regarding my situation AND your pen name!)

I think I knew that I needed to take my focus off SS and start living my own life.
Dad has made it clear that he is unwilling or unable to change, so really I am in the drivers seat.
The hardest advice to hear is usually the best advice.
Thanks guys Sad

Freshstart's picture

Hi MaidJane and everyone. "Dad has made it clear that he is unwilling or unable to change, so really I am in the drivers seat." After another bout of SD16 this week I needed to read something enlightening and lots of the stuff above is and especially this comment. That is smart and empowering to see yourself in the driver's seat because you are the only one willing to work or change. Agree also about how we get forced to focus on the SKIDs due to the frustrations of our situation.

If anyone figures out how to change that cycle, let me know. I hate myself for going from balanced busy hard working, normal human being with lovely husband, lovely son, friends, job and supportive family as my life picture ........to frustrated obsessive lonely person when SD16 pulls out her kitbag of tricks.

Good luck, keep going and don't feel that you need to apologise for where your head is at. It does anyone's head in.

MaidJane's picture

I dont think there is any way to change the cycle, I think we have to just take a right turn; just because everyone else is turning left doesnt mean we have to.
I also went from a normal young woman, great job, friends, regular ADULT social times on a weekly basis, to feeling tired, sad, isolated and misunderstood.
My SO thinks I overreact. HAHAHAHAHAHA.(I may smother him with a pillow if he tells me that one again)

So my "right turn" so to speak was, step one, start reading, going online, finding some kind of support, I knew I wasnt the only one and lo and behold, there are thousands of us! Step two, learning more about disengaging and put it fully into place. I had gone 85% of the way, now Im working to 100%

One of our fellow SM's had this posted about disengaging "Having accepted this reality, you then make a promise to yourself; I will never give them the opportunity to treat me disrespectfully again" I copied that, printed it off in bold and read it, sometimes 10 times a day.
You ladies are wonderful, knowing that Im not alone, you have helped talk me down from the the precipice I have been teetering on.
Good luck to you all, we need it Wink