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I need major help! Please give me advice.

Nursejulee's picture

I'll try to make this short. My oldest stepdaughter won't forgive me. She is now 20 years old and I married her dad when she was 9. Her and I were extremely close. She looked at me as one of her best friends. Her dad and I divorced about 3 years ago. I filed but with good reason. For the first 2-3 months, I backed off from all of them. I just wanted to move forward I guess plus I was suffering from severe depression and barely spoke to anyone. It was the worst time of my life. After the 3 months, I was part of their lives again. i did things with all of them and was kind and caring. I was in denial thinking everything was ok I could tell Alex wasn't the same but I just hoped it would get better. I guess I should add she is extremely manipulative and a compulsive liar. Anyway, I remarried her dad in June. She didn't react very well but still showed up to be a bridesmaid. About a week ago I was helping my other daughter to move in for college. Alex showed up and wouldn't really speak to me. She was across the street and ignored me until I called her over and asked for a hug. The fact she ignored me broke my heart. I cried for 3 days. It's been bothering me ever since. I cried for 3 days. In the same week she asked me to help with tuition so i gave her 1000.00 which paid half of her school. Saturday night I called her and she told me I screwed her and her dad over by getting a divorce. She says she can't trust me again. I literally begged her for forgiveness and cried on the phone. I told her I made mistakes during that time and I'm human and messed up. Important note: during the time of the divorce she said she felt like the middle man between me and her dad. The biggest stupidest mistake was telling her I went on a date. This was months after our divorce. She went back and told her dad i was talking to a guy and I totally own up to my mistake. I don't have my own children so I truly didn't know how to really parent especially be a step parent.
She is so hurt and I don't know how to fix it. She is the type to really not completely forgive and if you make a mistake, she cuts you off.
I want everyone to know I completely own up to my mistakes but I want to also state that other than that, I was an amazing stepmom. I really took care of them like they were my own when they came down. So...now I'm heartbroken. I keep reaching out but I know things won't ever be the same. I know how she is. my husband and her have a bad relationship right now. It's not because of me. She pretty much stole money from him( he gave her money for her rent in college and she never paid it. We still don't know where the 4000.00 went). I just can't keep getting my heart broken. People tell me..don't give up, don't give up but I keep getting hurt. I just don't know what to do. Please help. I feel like she will talk to me when she needs money but rarely any other time. I give her money because I care about her and want to help her. I know deep down she doesn't appreciate it. I have nO family other than them. My mom was murdered when I was younger so I'll admit, I suffer from severe depression.

Nursejulee's picture

Thank you hatemydad. I just really love her and have shown her so much love. I made a mistake and now she wants pretty much nothing to do with me. I've done nothing but love her but it is never good enough. It breaks
My heart. By the way, I am on meds. I do ok until this stuff happens. When it does, I get really down. I have done nothing but encourage a relationship with her and even lectured my husband for years on getting close to her. I've been the peacekeeper for all of these years but I just can't do it anymore. I can't keep being sad and crying over this. I just don't know how to accept that things will never be the same again but I'm going to have to. She is "nice" at times with me but I know it's fake. I'm just at my breaking point and have no idea what to do anymore.

Nursejulee's picture

Hate, I do feel like I need her to validate me. I'm not good at confrontation and I want everyone to like me. I go out of my way to make people happy even if I'm doing something I don't want to do.

Nursejulee's picture

I'm sorry you are going through that. No one deserves that!!! I pray you find good people in your life that will love you wholeheartedly and you can trust them. It seems like we are both getting hurt in different situations because neither one of us deserves it.

Nursejulee's picture

I'm a huge people pleaser. It's ridiculous!!! I don't want to make anyone upset even if it's their fault.

Nursejulee's picture

Lost...I feel like I'm begging. I've gotten to that point. She is coming this weekend and I may just talk to her and tell her that very simply. I can't force her to want a relationship. Yes..I think she does feel like I've left her and I wasn't the one to tell her we were getting a divorce. I felt like it was HIS responsibility to do that. She is so angry because I hurt her dad. No matter what, she will always take his side and I understand that.
I guess I'll apologize one last time BUT I'm also going to tell her that it is up to her to make the next move and she needs to decide what kind of relationship she wants with me. If I'm the only one trying...I will just keep getting hurt over and over. Honestly, I can't keep getting my heart hurt.

Nursejulee's picture

Sueu, I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm looking for suggestions on how to deal with the fact she won't be close again. I want us to be close and it's hard for me to accept that she probably never will be. What I need suggestions on is how do I deal with this? This is so uncomfortable because she is my sd. If she was anyone else, I wouldn't talk to her ever again. I just don't know how to accept it in my heart that things will never be the same. And yes...I told you everything. She is mad because I hurt her and her dad when I got divorced. I guess she felt deserted and I backed off for a couple of months which looking back I shouldn't have done that. At that time, I just wanted to move on. I knew they would be upset we were divorced. So...basically, how do you deal with having to accept that your sd doesn't feel the same and is fake when around you. I want to harden my heart and just accept it for what it is but it's really hard. I don't want to feel like the bad guy. And yes I care for her despite her faults.

Nursejulee's picture

Thank you Step. I guess I'm trying too hard and she has the right to do what she wants.

Nursejulee's picture

Step and new wife, you both made great points. I have to just accept it. That's the hard part but I have no choice. I know it will hurt for quite a while but I'll be ok. And yes step...I'm begging for her to love me and guess trying to maybe force it. That's not a good thing..actually very unhealthy. I should not have to force anyone to love me or be close to me. In her eyes I made a huge mistake and even though she says she forgives me then she says she doesn't trust me. She looked up to me and in her eyes I let her down. I have to learn to stop bending over backward to please her. She ignored me in front of her friends and 5 days later asks for money. And the sad part is...I did it. This is taking over my life right now which is crazy. I don't know why I care so much if she likes me or not. I mean...maybe it's because I don't want to be the "bad guy", or I'm craving love or a people pleasing issue. Maybe all of it. I need to quit obsessing over this and think "it is what it is".

forgotten wife's picture

what's everyone supposed to forgive you for? having a date after you're divorced?? excuse me but you're allowed to date when you're not married. as for you divorcing her dad, she's too young and too inexperienced to understand what happens in a marriage and how things can go wrong. and quite frankly, it's none of her business. it's between you and your husband.

you should get the books, "co-dependant no more" and "boundaries, when to say yes and when to say no". you give away too much of your power. you depend on others' opinion of you way too much. that's so not healthy.

think about seeing a counselor, too.

Nursejulee's picture

Forgotten, well I shouldn't have told her at all. That was my mistake. We were very close before and I felt like sharing my life with her. Obviously, I made a horrible decision!!!

forgotten wife's picture

what's done is done. it was not a horrible decision. her response to it is horrible. stop letting her pull your strings. tell her to put on her big-girl panties and grow up.

she's using this as an excuse to manipulate you and get her way. it's up to you to stop it. DETACH from her.

Orange County Ca's picture

"New Submitted by Nursejulee on Mon, 09/03/2012 - 2:02pm.
I'm a huge people pleaser. It's ridiculous!!! I don't want to make anyone upset even if it's their fault".

And she can play you like a fiddle. Spend your money, effort and time with a counseler who within a couple of months of weekly sessions can give you the tools you need to stop being so needy. Don't get roped into anything longer if the counseler hasn't helped within 4 weeks find another one that's capable.

I also share your desire to please and understand it but much of the world doesn't operate on that game plan. In fact leaches off of it. It may take years before she sees you can't be manipulated any longer and then may come around.

You will be amazed at the help a good counseler can give

ItAlmostWorked's picture

Does anyone else think SD might have lost trust because a mother figure in her life just disappeared? If someone I loved just suddenly disappeared from my life, I might also find it hard to trust again. This doesn't give her the right to use and abuse you nursejulee but if you just disappeared on her before, she probably thinks it could happen again.

I hope you find peace with the situation. I also think letting her know your door is open and then getting on with other things is really the only way to move through this. I wish you the best!