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How do I deal with this?????

crazybonusmom's picture

I met my husband in 2008. We were both previously divorced and both having children. His ex cheated on him and wanted out of the marriage. He has his kids 50% of the time and I had mine the same. We married in 2009. When we met in 2008 his oldest daughter was 16. She was accustomed to using her parents against one another. The BM hardly ever disciplined her and pretty much bought her whatever she wanted. (thus the fall of my husbands first marriage). My SD would use her dad to get her way with her mom. When she wasn’t happy with mom she would move in with dad, play the silent game and go back to her mom because daddy had rules and expectations. Just before we married, my SD told her mother she was going to move in with a 23 year old that had a kid. She was still 17. Her mother told her no and took her car away. The SD left anyway and the mother didn’t want anything to do with her. The BM has a history of they are either best friends or she doesn’t want anything to do with her. Multiple times she has ‘written her off’ but then comes back around when everything appears to be okay with my SD. During the time she was away she stopped going to school. She was expelled for absences when she was only 14 days away from graduating. So after my SD lived in a few places and got kicked out of the places she was staying with this guy, she messaged me and told me she was scared. She had a miscarriage. I questioned the miscarriage and she was livid. She has a history of lying so it was warranted in my opinion. In the end, she contacted her parents because she didn’t have anywhere to go. Her mom would not allow her to come live with her. Two weeks after my husband and I married is when all this happened. My husband didn’t want to bring her into our home as we were so fresh in our lives together. I encouraged my husband to bring her into our home as she was still a minor and this was his chance to do what he could to get her diploma. We brought her in with strict rules and they were working well. Then her mom started wanting to have her around. The SD told a counselor that her dad was going to kill himself which prompted the BM to withhold his other child (age Dirol from him. CPS was called and my husband fell apart. There was never an investigation as there wasn’t an issue but we did have to fight through attorneys to keep the 50/50 visitation with the younger SD, in which we won (in my opinion with flying colors). SD lived with her mom and SD until she found a ‘man’, got pregnant, and married at 19. Last year, three months after my grandson was born the father shook him, causing all kinds of turmoil. Luckily GS is doing well and currently dad is in jail until next month.
Using $1,000 my husband felt he needed to give her to aid in attorney fees. SD divorced within a month after this happening. An inheritance of more than $6000 was used to fund the rest of attorney fees. She went to live with her mom and was quickly kicked out because she wasn’t taking responsibility for herself or had respect for her mom and SDs house. My husband insisted she come stay with us and I reluctantly said yes. I hated every minute of her being there. She is so disrespectful and immature. She would not clean up after herself and never provided a helping hand. She stayed with us until she found a new guy and stayed with him a lot. She married that guy this past December. She is now pregnant with his kid. When she moved down to be with her husband, who is in the military, they decided she could quit her job. She had $5000 left of the inheritance, in which my husband gave her and she used it on pedicures, starbucks and fast food. It was quickly gone after 5 months. About a month and a half ago, she came back (she lives 4 hrs away now). Frankly, I feel she has a lot of co-dependency with both of her parents. She stayed every other week at each of her parents. A few weeks ago she got into a fight with her husband over money and has returned with not a dime to her name. Her mother is buying her new baby clothes, crocs and vera Bradley diaper bags.
I have tried over the years to bond with her. She just seems to tolerate me because I am her dad’s wife. My husband demands his kids respect me so she is not rude to me. There are some incidents that have hurt me greatly in the past and built up walls. This is causing my husband and I relationship problems. I am 14 years younger than my husband. While he had stated early on in our relationship that he would be willing to have another child, he later changed his mind and didn’t want any. When she was pregnant the first time I was happy for her. When she was in labor, I suffered emotional trauma. I hadn’t realized the pain in letting go that I would not be having any more children. I was sobbing during her labor. My husband was mad at me for taking away the joy. I was really hurt by it all. I needed my husbands support and ‘she’ was getting it. Apparently she is still mad at me for posting the first picture on facebook of her son. I don’t recall her telling me not to do so. I was just trying to be excited about it all. We do not even have the same circle of friends. Maybe only a few relatives we share. Once the father went to jail I struggled once more. I had came into their lives as they were adults and loved them both. Now I was dealing with my step son-in-law being in jail. I had a love/hate relationship. I hated what he did but I ached for him because I loved him like my son. I posted scripture on my facebook and my SD was livid. She deleted me, which is her standard mode of operation. She told me I would not see the GB again if I didn’t straighten up. Both her parents backed her up because she is the mom and I should be sensitive to her feelings. While I couldn’t imagine the feelings she had to endure through all of this, I also was affected. She does come around and even recently stayed with us as I had said before. She only contacts me when she wants something or I feel she is hinting for me to do something for her. She is on pinterest and has been pinning bedroom décor for her unborn daughter. She lives in a two bedroom apartment and will have a challenge with future living arrangements with 4 people. My oldest SD showed it to me several zebra print décor items and said she is not creative enough to do this. I love to do things for others and would love to do this for her but I feel that she is trying to manipulate me into doing it for her. My other SD, currently 10, has loved zebra print for a couple of years now. I’m guessing it is probably from influence from the sister she idolizes. At Christmas I had bought her a zebra print robe. Four months ago I bought her a zebra print comforter which I have kept hidden until we could do more with her room. This was before my oldest found out she was pregnant again. After seeing the pin of the zebra print decoupage dresser, I had the idea to do that to my youngest SDs dresser. The dresser was her dad’s when he was a boy and her sisters. It was falling apart but I repaired it and decoupaged it and it looks awesome! My husband loves it. My oldest SD is pissed that I did it. She says that I ruined something special. That now her daughter will not have something of her own. My husband backs me up on this so she is now avoiding us. Things have been really well between my husband and I, when he is on the outs with her. When she comes back to him, I feel like he is having an affair. He kisses her ass so much it makes me sick. My attitude is down the toilets because I can’t stand her being in our lives. I tolerate it. I am so hurt by her and even by my husband for his relationship with her. I understand he loves her and that is ok. I want to be the priority. I want to be the important one.  He met with her for lunch today. In my mind she is coming to get handouts. She still does not have a dime of her own. I asked him how he felt about his ex. She hurt him and he can be nice to her but away from her he gets anxiety and complains about her. I asked him how does he deal with it and he told me he is lucky he doesn’t have to deal with it much. I said I have been hurt by his daughter, maybe not as bad, but hurt none the less. I have to deal with her all the time. All my oldest SD does is blame others for her life. If someone wants to name their baby the same as what she wants she is pissed. My husband is obviously not going to shut out his daughter, which I really don’t want him to do. I can’t change her. What in the world am I going to do? I can’t live like my husband is having an affair! He doesn’t get that. He gets mad when I state that but that is how I feel! HELP!

crazybonusmom's picture

Some added notes. She calls me names behind her dads and my back. She doesn't have very many friends. (i wish she would wonder why) She claims she spent the inheritance in 5 months because her husband wouldn't give her spending money. Wouldn't you think the issue should have been addressed when she started using that money?

Orange County Ca's picture

Get out of her life by following the advise given in the link below. As for the money all you can do is bring any money and assets you own under your sole control. I.e. your checking, savings accounts earnings and possessions such as car. Then you pay your share of the household bills and keep your money out of his kids hands.

Then you support your husband as he continues down the path towards finding out that he's just being used and discarded at the girls whim. Emotional support that is.

Now go and read how to stay out of her life:

crazybonusmom's picture

I appreciate the comment and have skimmed through the link. In no way do i feel the need to parent this girl. I think both of her parents are to blame for her immaturity. I would rather not have a thing to do with her. My husband wants me to bond with her. He hides communications, lunches and calls with her because he knows they upset me. I don't want her in my house. He does. I don't want to pretend I like her but he is hurt if I don't. He says he feels like he has to pick. He brings up my kids (11 and 12) and says how he tries to bond with them. They are 11 and 12!!!!! He can bond with them better! Just like my relationship with his 10 year old.

Orange County Ca's picture

I agree with StepAside. I successfully used this technique long before the Internet came along. This article doesn't just tell you the idea, it explains how to execute the idea and that is what you need. This kid is not going to go away - not as long as you're married to her father.

You can't just ignore the kid - you've got to..... well read the article.

crazybonusmom's picture

I read completely through the article. It has good content and I have actually already shared it with my husband as a talking point. My husband is not the typical hands off dad. He is very involved. The relationship I have with the youngest SD is ok, not excellent, but we are only in our 3rd year of bonding. He does the parenting with her.

He no longer parents the 21 year old. If she comes to stay, he will tell her to throw the dirty diapers away and clean up the powder formula off the bathroom floor. Those things are easy to fix.

I didn't even engage in making her a dresser but she was pissed at me for making something similar to what she wanted. I don't think she wants a relationship with me but it is important to my husband. He does now realize that she doesn't appreciate me.

We are going to talk tonight about this article and one he found.

It will be an interesting evening.