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Question, how many of us hate being around in-laws?

mizcece's picture

Long story short, I limit how much I am around my in-laws. They usually are so fake for instance, they talk about how much they accept the people who marry into their family yet their actions are totally contrary. Yesterday, I attended a cookout given for my nephew-in-law, my brother-in-law's son. Yesterday was the first time I had met my sister-in-law, my husband's brother's wife. She came to me made a comment about how fake my in-laws are in saying they love their in-laws and how they are a part of their family; she also commented that they were not better than anyone and used profanity which showed me that she really was bothered, I was flabbergasted. I thought I was the only in-law that felt that way. I had noticed that over the course of the six years my husband and I were together, she was never at any family functions. I think that the only reason she was there was because the cookout was in honor of her son who is going away to divinity school, he is going to study to be a pastor. I never go to any my husband's family functions because I too over the years have grown so tired of the snide remarks and fake smiles and hugs. Well during one of the many speeches and well wishes to my NIL from one of my in-laws, a comment was made to single out all the in-laws saying, "I know some of the in-laws think we are too close but my family and I are tight knit." But I know from experience that is BS because I see how they have cliques in their family and that same chic that made that comment won't let her mother live with her and her mother is at my MIL's house driving her crazy and won't help pay her share of the household bills but we won't go there because they are perfect remember. There were certain other daggers thrown at me personally off and on throughout the day once these certain in-laws arrived. I know that I am hated by them because number one I won't bow down and kiss their a***es, two I am a very fashion conscious person so I always dress nicely and I am attractive and shapely to boot. Not tooting my own horn but this is what has been conveyed to me by other sources within the family. When I was told this I couldn't believe it, these are suppose to be the "holy-roller" type of people. I understand where all the snide remarks come from now! Anyway, I am not one of those type of people that have to fit in with in-laws, I couldn't give a sh** less! I am just sick of these people's BS and have made a choice at this point to stay way from them. Any thoughts? How have your experiences with your in-laws been?

cant win for losin's picture

Well in my case it is just his parents. I like his siblings and their families. His parents don't care much for me and the feeling is VERY mutual. They too are backstabbing, fake, selish, self serving....I could go on and on.

It's funny you post this because this past year has been a turn around and NOT for the better. I have dd1 now and they don't give two licks about her. Haven't seen her since Christmas, won't see her until October. That is only because I will be at the birthday party for the neice. SMH. I have been giving serious consideration of NOT going to Christmas this year and the following years after. Why bother?! It is clear by both them and me that we don't like one another, we (meaning me and his parents) would rather NOT be in the uncomfortable tense situation of being fake and silent. We say hi and then that is it! It just isn't worth it. Last year (it is a 40 minute drive) as I was driving there my headache got worse and worse until it was a full blown tension headache by the time I got there. All from the stress. The anticipation of HAVING to be there.

I feel bad for his siblings. I like them. I know that they would appreciate seeing dd1 at that time, BUT on the other hand he isn't THAT close with them either. Guess when they last saw dd? Her birthday, back in April. Before that? Christmas. So my "mixed" feelings are only stirred, not shakin cause the road travels north AND south. KWIM?

I don't feel bad for my guy though. He helped create the mess. And quite honestly while I have different reasons from the sibs to be uncomfortable at the parents house, the sibs and their families do not enjoy going there either. YES, these people (parents) are that awful their OWN flesh and blood do not enjoy being over there. My guy knows this, has commented on it. We have discussed it. I know that it won't stop him from sighing, and trying to "protest" sort to speak when I announce that me and dd won't be there for the so called festivites!

What can ya do, ya know?! You can't change others, but you CAN set up the boundaries that limits when where and how you are around them.

Oh let me say also, that i KNOW my side isn't perfect. I put boundaries up with them also. So it's not like I am saying, "oh i don't like your mom and dad. I'm not going over there, but you HAVE to be around my family." Nah, he is no fan of mine, and I am def not a fan of his.

VicLee's picture

CWFL. No u r not alone My TILS that's toxic in laws. Were the root of evil in our marriage they claim to be better than everyone else, make me and my children feel unwelcome, make up lies about us to try to turn people in our small town against us, and bitch about how bad all their so called friends treat them and make fun of theur friends woes behind their backs. I am known as a very kind and very tolerant person. But when my toxic sil started attacking me in my own home,I finally pulled the plug and refuse to attend any holiday or other event of theirs. Of course she lied about it and told people she was just kidding me. Right. All afternoon attacks were all just kidding. And she attacked for years. What a coward to not even be an adult and take responsibility. If not for them, I think step kids would've been easier growing up. One funny thing. Mybstepkids mom is good and present but mil actually put a short story in local paper about stepson winning race but it said stepsons name comma son of And then just my husbands name and no other as if we have all experienced another virgin birth only this time it was by father and no mother. I had been married once before and had wonderful inlaws. These TILS hated first wife and now me second wife so is say they have some long-standing issues way before my time. And funny when my now grown skids need emotional support, they're coming to me for comfort and not their toxic extended family. Just wait for karma. They will get theirs sooner or later.

Rags's picture

Wow! :jawdrop:

I too avoid my ILs as much as possible but do not have to deal with the same level of IL crap that you have to and I do not hate them.

My ILs are nice people but even combined do not have the IQ of a cucumber. Multiple foreclosures, multiple bankruptcies, multiple repossessions, constantly having their utilities shut off, hounded by collection agencies, etc, etc, etc..... With the exception of BIL2 they all (MIL, FIL, BIL1, SIL) are the poster family for "Doing the same stupid shit over and over again while expecting a different result".

My wife and I are both graduate degreed professionals with highly lucrative careers. We do not struggle financially but we also are not financially extravagant in our spending. We save, value and pursue education, professional development and certifications, buy homes and vehicles significantly below our means. Like you my wife is fashion conscious, very tall and shapely and my hobby is investing in nice things for her (Jewelry, cars, trips, etc...). The rest of her family is very overweight, not attractive in the least and gets snarky about how my wife looks, dresses, eats and exercises.

My ILs, with the exception of BIL2 have the financial sense of a turnip, are marginally educated with he exception of SIL (the youngest of 4) who supposedly has finished a BS in Interdisciplinary Studies but can not actually produce her degree, and spend their lives in victim mode bitching about how everyone is out to get them (again with the exception of BIL2), etc, etc, etc.... Unfortunately this also extends to just about all of her extended family also.

I have long been of the opinion that my bride is either a mutant or an alien implant because she could not possibly share her family’s gene pool.

However, I do make it a point to go to IL land periodically to be supportive of my wife. When I am unable to accompany her I make sure to speak with her regularly and to conference in to any periodic "family meeting" that I am not present for.

Rather than abandon all participation in your ILs family gatherings I would suggest that you take the opposite approach and attend with your DH to be supportive of him and to gain some enjoyment out of your IL's moronic behavior. Unfortunately I have to do this occasionally to take some of the pressure off of my bride. It is a delicate balance though because my wife understands that her family are a heard of idiots but they are still her family and I have to be cautious about how much mirth I derive from their stupid crap.

I do feel your pain though. we just had our 18th anniversary and this has been going on nearly non stop for that long with no forecast that it will ever end.

LRP75's picture

I WISH my H could even begin to understand that his parents have problems and that they have no business interfering in our marriage. Unfortunately, he always says, "they are just trying to help..."

He doesn't get it. At all. I wish he could -- just a little.

You are fortunate that your wife can see the dysfunction. I can see how it would make it easier for YOU to have to be around it.

LRP75's picture

My experience with my in-laws?

Oh geez.

About 7 months into our marriage my H wanted a divorce. Why? Because, according to this parents, I'm not a good wife -- I'm not good enough for their lil' baby boy. (Yes, they infantilaize him).

So yeah... THAT sums that up.

Fortunately we made it through that attack, but the whole experience with them has left a really bad taste in my mouth. They portray themselves to the world like people who would do anything for someone else, but all of their gifts come with strings. People on the outside think that they are soooo nice and that they are always "just trying to help." But my in-laws don't understand boundaries, when "help" isn't wanted/needed and they talk about everyone behind their back -- ESPECIALLY telling everyone else how they "Helped" someone with something. It's all about power and control.

I could go on and on, but it isn't very nice of me. Suffice it for me to say that I'm like you, I don't go to all of their family functions. I only go to the things that I HAVE to go to and even then, I drive myself so that I can leave after I feel I have paid my dues. Being near them makes me physically sick to my stomach.

Most Evil's picture

Not fond of in-laws. At one Easter dinner my SIL called me a bitch.? Nice. It was not to my face, I did not hear it, so my MIL filled me in.????

Also my BIL has threatened to beat up my DH because we refused to be extorted out of money he claimed DH owed, which is a fat lie which we uncovered complete with forged documents by SIL.??

My FIL is great, but MIL objects to me refusing to be around the crazy ones. I believe they are drug addicts which in-laws always deny, but tell you to not leave your purse laying around as it may get stolen from.???

Classy!!!!!! I am not miss sophisticate but people like this always hate me. And guess what, I really don't give a crap.!!!!!!! which makes them hate you more.

Good thing DH is miles different than his family, and his other brother is nice too.

ownedbypedro's picture

WOW, I feel bad for all of you with these in-laws from hell! Mine were GREAT. My FIL is still alive - age 90. My MIL passed two years ago and even though dh and I were separated (now almost divorced) I made the 700+ mile trip with him for her funeral.

Sometimes I am "lost" as to how my dh could come from such a kind and loving and accepting family and be such a JERK.

LizzieA's picture

SG, not to hijack--but you had to sit apart from your own husband at the wedding? While BM's BF was up front? That is unbelievable. What does your DH think?

I'd go no contact with these a-holes. And I bet they are JEALOUS of you. They're all fat and ugly right?

LizzieA's picture

One of my mantras (from the song) "I don't care what you do, I wouldn't want to be like you."
Hold your head high, girl! They can kiss your grits. Including DH. May him pay for this one! LOL! Can you say jewelry? Or a nice vacation?

ownedbypedro's picture

My family is like that. My mother is so mean and nasty that I have little to do with her. I don't know how to explain it and this isn't even the forum for that - but she is just BRUTALLY MEAN.

In mother's world, if you make something of yourself and work hard and are self-sufficient, you are the outcast. She HATES my son's wife because, by the age of 22, the girl had a bachelor's degree in accounting and a MASTER's degree in business administration. OMG! Terrible!

And of me and my two siblings, (all in our 40's) I am the ONLY one who totally, 100% takes care of myself. I never ask for anything - I will do without first (and sometimes I do go without things but that's okay). ONE time - in YEARS - and this happened a couple weeks ago - I asked my dad if he would drive me to Lowe's to pick up a new door I had ordered for my house (he has a pickup and it wouldn't fit in my car) and my mother ATTACKED and SCREAMED at me saying "NO, HE CAN'T - YOUR SISTER IS COMING AND HE IS TAKING HER CAR TO GET IT FIXED" (meaning they were paying for the repairs as well).

Now...who do my parents call when they need help (and they need help more and more as time goes on). Well...ME of course. My brother has allergies, so he can't help clean their barn and my sister has "problems with her kids" so heaven forbid she do something for my parents in return for them supporting her sorry ass for her entire adult life (including paying for her cable television and internet).

B22S22's picture

The IL's I have the most problems with are my first DH's parents. I'm in a little bit different situation, as my first DH passed away over 8 years ago.

The MIL is and has always been a steamroller. She's like a shark smelling blood. She has perfected the circle around and go in for the kill mentality. Typical narcissist, she is ALWAYS right about EVERYTHING, knows more than anyone in the world, doesn't care what people think of her (so she says, but I've learned differently), and will not hesitate to cut people down in a heartbeat. She has even successfully alienated herself from pretty much all of her siblings, because she either sees them as not worthy of her time, or at some point they have lived their lives not according to HER.

When my first DH was ill (terminally) nobody in his family had time for him. His brother and SIL lived 3 miles from us and the only time in 4 years they ever came over to our house was to borrow something (twice). Even first DH's parents said they were not going to help care for DH, they would raise my children instead; that my DH's terminal condition and the fact that he was total care was MY LOT IN LIFE. Then had the nerve to tell people I obviously didn't care about him because I didn't openly wail at his funeral. I had FOUR YEARS to grieve, as we knew the disease was terminal the moment the doctors pronounced the diagnosis. After having cared for my DH almost single-handedly, along with working full time and raising 2 children (aged 3 1/2 and 5 at the time he passed) it was actually a blessing. I don't think anyone would understand that statement unless they have experienced it.

To this day the former MIL is unchanged, maybe even worse. She has told my children they should come live with her. She has threatened to take me to court to stop me from administering ADHD meds to my son (he has severe ADHD, and meds were my last resort as I had tried all other alternatives). She is, probably unbeknownst to herself, now alienating herself from both my kids. My DD14 doesn't even want to see her anymore and my DS11 is not as thrilled about seeing her as he used to be.

She is a toxic woman. And her husband just stands there and does nothing. I'm thinking he was emasculated before their wedding vows even took place. They do everything in the name of "taking the place of their (my DD and DS) dad" but their dad would have never behaved in the manner they do.

LizzieA's picture

In-law issues were what led me to ST! I had never experienced such a thing as 3 SILs (all over 40) who hated me and my DH for getting married! SIL1 was the ringleader. She had "helped" DH through the divorce and she was long single and a drinker. She was so JEALOUS of us that she had to tell everyone that DH was going off the deep end and on the way to hell. In reality, all 3 were mad they lost control of DH, who did everything for them and BM for 25 years after his father died. And of course BM was up their butts at every event although before the divorce she wasn't involved and that was one of their criticisms of her!

What an experience! Married to my soulmate and surrounded by illwishers! Who woulda thunk it?

We had quite a few scenes, DH stood up for me "free at last!" is his motto and we moved away. Now they're all about "give my love to Lizzie" but I don't give a hoot. Oddly, my MIL has LOVED me since day 1--tells DH this marriage is "10 times better than the first." They all see the truth about BM now too. With her trashed house and teen parties and arrests and pregnancies and flunking out and car crashes. DH's kids went right to the trailer trash lifestyle. DH held that home and family together at great cost and once he stepped away, it went to hell.

Anyway, whatever narcissistic psychos and abusers say about YOU, remember they are really talking about themselves!

doll faced sm's picture

I have never met my FIL and have no desire to as he's a child molester, and I have two young dauthers.

My MIL is dead to me. Apparently, she's also dead to both my SILs. DH's brother's wife b/c wife refused to name their daughter after MIL even though MIL cried and begged (did this to me, too) and then tried to break apart their marriage when wife got pregnant again and refused again to name the baby after MIL if it's a girl. Dh's sister b/c MIL continuously tries to break up SIL's marriage.

SugarSpice's picture

in laws would not be so bad but they are always begging for money. before fil retired they would always spend thousands of dollars on expensive vacations. and fil was a retail store clerk! now they are always begging for money for groceries or for medical expenses. did they ever hear of saving for a rainy day?

this would not be so bad but in laws always side with the skids. when skids get nasty with me (in teens) in laws always came down on the side of the skids no matter how bad. i mean a teen who name calls sm and tells her to go to h*ll?

hippiegirl's picture

Oh! I do. Unfortunately one of my in laws lives with us full time, and I see no light at the end of the tunnel. He sits on his ass all day every day and is not looking for a job. The silver lining on that cloud is, if brother in law is there, then there is no room for skids. Lol! I'll take mellow, lazy BIL over bratty, overgrown skids any day.