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Spin-off.... from "Can you ever regain respect for DH?"

Jen423's picture

So... to those of you who have discovered that many of the issues (disrespect towards you, as a stepmom, by the stepkid(s), DH trying to "keep the peace", etc) that have caused you to lose respect towards your DH.... were you able to eventually resolve those issues/feelings?

I am smack-dab in the middle of a gigantic blow-out with SD20. I finally stood up for myself. Told DH that he was the problem (for always trying to keep the peace, not wanting to tell SD "no", and by his actions/inactions it really has led us to the point where it has basically shown SD that HE does not respect me, so therefore why should she?!).

He has accepted his role in this mess. He does acknowledge it. But, it's VERY early in the process. It remains to be seen if he will, in fact, enforce some of the stuff we have told her (she is to clean her room and do the one or two chores we ask of her... she lives w/ us but is rarely home, no rent).

I mean, I just had this revelation a couple weeks ago about DH's role in SD's behavior towards me. Now that he knows and now that there has been a GIGANTIC blow-up between us (mostly her & I), it is going to take some time for things to get resolved. I can't expect it to be fixed overnight.

i guess I'm just wondering if some of you went on to get divorced or if you were able to work it out, etc....

I think another HUGE issue is that SD is desperate for her mommy's love/attention/validation. She will never get it. Never ever ever. But mommy also think **I** am the biggest bitch that ever walked the face of the earth. So you have YEARS of her bad-mouthing me to her kid. In all honesty, I raised that kid. Quite literally. Her mother barely showed an interest and certainly never made any sacrifices for her. I did and I did it willingly and without casting stones at her mother. I always took the high road.

Anyhow... that definitely complicates matters... but I still wanted to get some input & advice from those who have been in my position. Thanks!

herewegoagain's picture

13 yrs later I have SOME respect for him...not 100%. After years of crap, I finally BELIEVED in him and decided to marry him after 10yrs of living together. A week after we got married, I found out he LIED to me and sent the little loser money without telling me. At that point, yes, ONE F#$%#$%ing week after our wedding, we had already moved out of our rented apt and all our stuff was in storage ready to be moved out of the country. I have NEVER again truly believed in him. The day I married him I TRULY felt he cared and had MY best interest at heart and would NOT lie to me about his pathetic kid or family...he did. I lost 100% respect and have never again been able to gain that feeling back. I pray that he doesn't f#$%$5ck up again, because if he does, I will HAVE to leave this time. I only stayed because I had no job, after always having a job and we were moving...otherwise, I would have left a week after our wedding.

We have finished CS two weeks ago and I pray that things start to get better and that he doesn't go back on his word, but there is always a little part of me that is just waiting for the other shoe to drop...not what I wanted in a marriage, thus the reason I never married him BEFORE...sigh

Good luck...I think that it can be overcome but as soon as they go back on their word ONE time, it really is never the same.

Janpes's picture

I don't understand why everyone disengages :? By letting hubby see the kids alone means the stepkid gets what she wants, you out of the picture and her dear daddy to herself.

When hubby agrees to this then he is just as bad as the stepdaughter and is actually saying to her that what she is doing is ok Sad

We had the same problem and after his daughter slating me while I wasn't home he finally snapped and said we are a pair and we come as a pair, she is my wife if you don't respect her, then you don't respect me and my choices.

I told him I was not prepared to stand as 2nd choice and that he needed to make a decision. He made the choice to cut her out of our life. She brought her brother into the decision by telling her dad that he cannot accept one child and not the other and now his son wants nothing to do with him.

He told her he chose me and our daughters and then the shit hit the fan. We had about a month of quiteness. Then came the text messages and that she wanted to see him to talk about it. He agreed to meet her. She thinks that I am controlling him and wanted to hear it from the horses mouth and the horse told her exactly what he told her earlier.
Well according to stepdaughter her slagging me off to him shouldn't have caused this kind of argument and that she is not responsible for this ( bear in mind I was at work when this fight went off) She refuses to take responsibility for her actions and says the death threats she sent me were made after he had chose us and in her eyes it is acceptable :jawdrop:
When he met her the first thing she said was you didnt send anything for grandsons birthday. At the end of the meeting she got all angry and spoke about it being the last time he will see her blh blah blah nd all the crap that goes with it.

Do people disengage because they are scared about what will happen if the husband has to choose???
I was ready to take the risk, if he had chosen them then I was ready to leave and get a divorce because I wasnt going to spend the rest of my life playing second fiddle to her.
Hubby has totally gained my respect back, he finally stood up for what was right and has defended me all the way. Infact he has said to daughter that if she wants to be a part of our family then she has to go through me first and apologise for everything and convince me that things will be different. Hahahaha cant see that happening anytime soon Blum 3 she answered with if she wants me to be a part of the family then she will be waiting a very long time Smile I can live with that and without the drama.
She tried to keep a foot in the door through our daughters but even they told her to get on her bike and piss off, they want nothing to do with her Biggrin

A win win situation for me and also for hubby who was getting tired of her antics and behaviour.
Take the risk as if he chooses her then does he really love and respect you?

keeponstriving's picture

After my boyfriend, who is a disney dad, moved his daughter-then17 out of her mother's home, because she did not get along with her mother, paid all her apt. and related expenses for the next eight years, bought her approximately five new, and almost new cars (She crashed her cars one after another), paid for her college education, gave her a 25 thousand dollar wedding, and put her on his payroll at his company, so his daughter-now32 has never earned a dime to her own abilities. Now my boyfriend admits his daughter's (daughter-now32) behavior is becoming worse and worse, and now he asks what are consequences for bad behavior?

ybarra357's picture

"Now my boyfriend admits his daughter's (daughter-now32) behavior is becoming worse and worse, and now he asks what are consequences for bad behavior?"

Consequences for bad behavior? Essentially adult SK's were freakin' rewarded for being the cretins that they are.

I know I've lost respect for DH. Will it ever return? I think things are moving toward that direction.

sandye21's picture

You are lucky your DH acknowledged his roll in the breakdown in your relatonship with SD. That's a start. To regain support DH has to want to do what is necessary to get it back. That includes taking action.

My DH knows he had a role in the reason why I disengaged. He bad-mouthed me in front of SD, and (I found out) behind my back. The only time he showed any remorse for any of it was when he knew I was close to divorce. He listened for once but never apologized or accepted any responsibility. I respect him as a fellow human being but as a Husband, that's another story. We DO get along better since I do not have to put up with SD anymore. Part of disengaing is no longer discussing SD and DH does not get deep. He doesn't bring her up. The main thing since disengagement is that I have gained a heck of a lot more self-respect and set limits. If he puts me down, makes threats or gets passive-aggressive I call him on it. So he seems to have a lot more respect for me and treats me better than he used to.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

I have been teetering on the brink of divorce for several months now and DH knows it. It is all related to SD and DH "ganging" up on me during the last few years. The last one being the most difficult year in my entire life. I felt like they threw me under the bus when I needed them the most. But I see now that SD was just waiting for a little crack in our marital wall to crawl in. Once in she turned into a terrible diseased parasite feeding off my DH's weakness. I disengaged, lost all respect for DH and still don't have it back totally. Not sure if it will ever come back either and really just waiting to see what I can live with in that regard. If the SD crap gets stirred up again, bu bye - can't play that game anymore. We are in marriage counselling too, and it is helping a tiny bit, but I am very cautious and definitely not getting my hopes up.

Orange County Ca's picture

It's your home so you/husbands rules have to be followed. But the problem seems to be yous husband who is just starting to admit his failings. That could take years.

I agree with the others that she needs to be told to find another place to live unless she's a full time student and can't afford it.

If she's not a student tell dad that she is to start paying rent to stay in the home. That should have been a rule from day one. Tell dad the money she pays can be set aside and given to her on her wedding.

Usually a kid faced with paying rent will immediately get their own apartment which is really what you want. Check the Craigslist ads for rooms with kitchen/living room privlidges to get an idea of what rent to ask.

Jen423's picture

I hope this is a small step in the right direction... last night DH pointedly asked SD about something she borrowed & hadn't returned. Normally, he would let that go and not confront her about it. I know it's a teeny, tiny thing... but it is a big deal. I just have to have faith that he will continue along this path. Reinforcing to her (even in small ways) that he is SERIOUS about standing with me and not letting her get away with not being accountable.

Do I wish he had kicked her out on her a$$? Hell yes!!! But I also realize that what happened this past Friday had to have been completely heart-wrenching and emotionally draining for my DH. To hear what his own daughter said to his wife. I cannot even imagine.

He is watching her this week to see if she takes seriously the things he talked to her about on Sunday evening. If she doesn't start doing the stuff he's told her, then I do believe he is going to make her pay rent (my opinion: she should pay rent regardless... but that is something I will talk to DH further about in the coming days... one thing at a time here!) and/or tell her she must seek out alternate living arrangements. If she isn't going to play by OUR rules, then she will not be allowed to keep living in our house. Period.

It's either me or her. DH can decide. But I honestly believe he will choose me. It may take a little bit longer than I want. But I also have to respect the process. I am wired for "now now now". DH is more of the "wait & see" attitude. I must be patient, at least to a degree.

Does anyone think I'm nuts for thinking this way? I just don't think it's fair, right out of the gates (after we had a big blow-up w/ SD and everything was laid on the table) to just demand immediate changes after years of doing things a different way.

Jen423's picture

Well.. to be honest... the blow-up between SD & myself only happened this past Friday (oh... it had been brewing.... trust me... but finally it all came out.... it was ugly!). And only since then has DH fully realized his role in contributing to how his daughter interacts with me.

I'm not going to put 100% of the blame on him. SD20 is old enough to see her mother for who she really is (and she has openly admitted her mother is horrible/worthless). But SD is unable to come to terms with the fact that her mother will never be the "mom" she desires. SD will not get the validation & acceptance she desires. So in the meantime, I am getting ALL the misdirected anger. SD has a lot of soul-searching to do. And growing up. So basically, she is much of the problem as well.

But DH realizing his contribution to all of this.... that is a brand new aspect. i can't expect miracles within just a few days. So far he's shown he's willing to change. Time will tell if he really will. I've already stated that if things don't improve, I will sit down and have a very serious talk about OUR future together. And I am dead serious about that. But I feel like I need to have faith in him. Me believing he can change is going to help him change. Does that make sense?

I can't do a damn thing about his daughter. She's a worthless piece of crap in my mind right now. Anyone who challenges me in my own home and calls me the things she called me.... I have no use for that. She can grovel at her mommy's feet all she wants. i've given that child everything I had. I will not give anymore. Not for a very long time, if ever.

ownedbypedro's picture

I finally moved out and filed for a divorce because my (almost ex) dh is NEVER going to change and NEVER going to stop babying his 38 year old son. I TOLD dh when the kid was 20 that he was NOT truly HELPING the kid and that if he kept it up, he would still be paying the kid's bills when the kid was 40 - and...YEPPER!!

I'm sorry but I will NOT contribute financially to a household that is contributing financially to ANOTHER household when it is NOT necessary. Of course it is WAY more than a money issue...

it is the way dh would drop my like a conatgious disease if skid bellowed that he wanted or needed something. OUR plans and OUR time together meant NOTHING to dh if the skid called. I deserve better than that. Being ALL ALONE is BETTER than THAT.

Poodle's picture

Turtles, I really envy you for being able to compartmentalise the disrespect away from your relationship to him as spouse and fellow parent. My problem is that it all bleeds into each other and I feel disrespect in most areas... not hopeless though, we are gradually climbing back over the months to something like respect, at least.