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7 days.

janeyc's picture

I know that some people have it harder than me, my Sd will be staying for 7 days at the beginning of August, I have been a stepmum before to two children, that time was much easier, even though I parented them full time, my Sd6 is a challenge, part of it is that at 41 I just don't want this anymore I want a quiet life, I chose not to have my own children, now here I am looking after someone elses, after being ill for 5 years, I am training to be a lifestyle coach, I still get exhausted sometimes and suffer from terrible headaches, all part of the illness, anyway I am dreading 7 days of Sd, she never leaves me alone, all I hear is my name being called, yes its better than her hating me, I can handle 2 days a week, but 7 days, I have a feeling of impending doom, plus Bf did'nt ask me first, trust me I tore him a new one over that, he would never dare to do that again, Im thinking, she is'nt my daughter, I did'nt invite her, shall I go away for a few days, Bf won't like it, I know that Im going to go crazy, so surely it would be better for me to go away for a few days, after reading this, it would nice if my Bf worried about my feelings the way I worry about his, my Father has been ill recently and I hav'nt seen him for a while, I want to see him anyway, so I need to find a way to tell Bf without him throwing his toys out of the pram. Any advice would be appreciated. Yes I could just tell him how it is, we have sorted out a load of problems in our relationship, things are good now, so I don't want to rock the boat anymore than I have too.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

Janeyc, it sounds as if your thoughts about having her 7 days in your house maybe drifted a bit into catastrophic /black and white thinking.It is not that I think your feelings are not validated, I even understand them.We have SD every other week and tomorrow the first day of a new week starts and I always feel a bit anxious and tense before a new week.
The fact that you don't see your SD very much probably even raises your tension I can imagine.
I understand that you don't want to rock the boat, but think about what you would recommend your own clients as a life coach.Surely not to cover it all up and pretend it is all great.I always find it helpful to raise the issue as a "typical step family" problem and SO listens normally if he doesn't get the impression that he or SD 7 gets attacked by me saying things.A "Typical step family problem" is hard to be taken too personal as it is neither his or SD's fault.It also means that your concerns are valid and you are not petty or unfriendly.You can tell him carefully how you sometimes feel when your SD is in the house and that this is very common.Plus that your illness makes you need a bit more rest .Tell him how he can help you and also suggest to him that you would like this time to do a few more things on your own while SD is around, just to relax and chill.Also, if you can, suggest a few things that you all could do together.

janeyc's picture

If he'd asked me before arranging the week, I would'nt feel quite as negative about it, he's doing it to placate Bm, we see Sd two or 3 days and nights a week, she lives around the corner, the longest I've spent with my Bf is 3 full days and nights, he works alot, to be honest I feel sick when I think of it.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

The trouble is that DH's think our world also revolves around "their" children too and it just isn't so. We need to tell DH that I just don't feel like doing that ie. taking care of your DD for a whole week, sorry. If they don't get it, that is their problem. They need to start looking at it from the SM perspective. It doesn't always happen, and actually seldom does, but at least we know we put our feelings out there and was heard. Bottling it up and ignoring it only makes it worse over the years. Trust me I did that and now I can barely look at SD without having a mini panic attack - so much resentment and bad feelings bubbled over.

janeyc's picture

That is how I used to feel, I would panick when she was due to visit, now things are better, but I know I will not last for 7 days.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

The trouble is that DH's think our world also revolves around "their" children too and it just isn't so. We need to tell DH that I just don't feel like doing that ie. taking care of your DD for a whole week, sorry. If they don't get it, that is their problem. They need to start looking at it from the SM perspective. It doesn't always happen, and actually seldom does, but at least we know we put our feelings out there and was heard. Bottling it up and ignoring it only makes it worse over the years. Trust me I did that and now I can barely look at SD without having a mini panic attack - so much resentment and bad feelings bubbled over.