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Twisted like a Pretzel...Too many twists

ZipperKatz's picture

I am a 55 year old Mom of two grown sons and one grown stepdaughter. My husbands ex passed away when SD was 8 yrs. old.
They divorced shortly after a years marriage. EX was very jealous when I came into his life. She tried everything to make trouble. She made it next to impossible for us to see SD. She remarried and asked for her new husband to adopt SD...my DH eventually did sign with coaxing from Ex's family. We were given the impression that SD was not being told till she was 18, we assumed that we had absolutely no chance of ever having any type of visitation. We never told our sons about any of this, we felt they were too young to understand any of it.
BM divorced the second husband...she moved in with her parents. They lived 300 miles away, we never saw the SD at all. Her mother passed away when she was just 8, the grandparents fought the adopted father from having custody. They raised her. They moved back in our area when she started High school. Never ever did anyone tell us that SD knew about the adoption all along. No one ever sent photos or any information about SD. They basically continued to bad mouth us to her the same as her mother had.
So she is a grown adult now with 4 kids. We heard that she wanted to get to know us. I wrote to her & we met (1996) we discussed all of the past & we agreed to have contact to see if she thought she was ready or even wanted to have a relationship & if she thought she could like me or get along with me. Zipping ahead after that she moved away again & rarely contacted me, no reply to letters, unreturned phone messages but I continued to send gifts to her 2 sons she had then...I continued to try to create a bridge. She finally agreed to come to our house to meet her father by this time she had 2 other kids also.
She remained withdrawn...she did not play an active roll in trying to be a part of the family even after coaxing her, including her in MY families Christmas parties etc.
The last thing that has happened is that she got angry because I had asked her to come for her fathers 60th birthday & when she said she couldn't I asked her to please remember to send him a card as he has MS & multiple other health issues, I just wanted her to bond while we have time. She got angry & told me that she didn't love him, she didn't even feel like he was her father, maybe an uncle if that. She also was cursing about her brothers saying that she wasn't as smart as her f-ing brothers, she wasn't valedictorian like her f-ing brothers and on & on. I had not known she resented them so much. I know I am not her BM but I really, really tried to establish a caring relationship. I tried to invite her into our lives, I did for her exactly the same as I did for our sons on Christmas and much more than I ever did for them on a regular basis. I was not trying to buy her...I was trying to establish a Mom-Dad/Daughter relationship...bridging a gap that was there for 23 years. Her father is quite but he would do anything for her. He just is totally guilt ridden. I tried to call her several times & she won't answer her phone at Christmas this year I called from a new cell# & she answered & hung right up on me. I wanted to ask what we could get the grandkids for gifts. I left her husband a message on his cell & he called later that night & spoke to my DH...he told him that SD didn't want anything to do with us, that her & I didn't see eye to eye & couldn't get along & that he, DH never put any effort in the relationship that it was always me. He said she thought she wanted a relationship with us but she made a mistake, she did not want anything to do with us. But we could call the kids on THEIR personal cell phones. The grandkids have all grown up in the past 4 yrs. and we have missed all of it. Now they are distant with us. Before the phone conversation the grandkids had a really unique bonding with me...I don't think she liked that. I am still willing to try anything but am really not sure what or how. We have been married for 34 years together for 36+ yrs. I know this is a condensed version of 3o some years. Feel free to ask any questions.

Any good advise if your comments are going to be mean I'd rather not even read them. Thanks!!

ZipperKatz's picture

Thanks for your reply Blue Belle. Unfortunately her Mom & grandparents are no longer living so there is no competing with the lies now.

I really do appreciate you taking time to reply.

mebeingfree1's picture

Sad, but I've found that step kids can take your heart and break it into a million pieces, no matter how much time, energy, love and money you've poured into them. We are easy to exile and the easy target because we aren't blood. In your case and mine they have even disowned the blood relative. How sad. What a waste. I don't believe that their lives will be complete tho until they deal with their dads. Girls don't fare well without having the father issue dealt with and ignoring it isn't dealing with it. It does however have to be in their own time. I've been in this 22yrs.

ZipperKatz's picture

Hey thanks for replying me2befree. I understand what your saying but meanwhile we aren't getting any younger or healthier. It's hard to have someone say "Yes" I want this & then turn around & say I made a mistake I don't afterall.

I just feel like the grandkids did not need this switch & I'm not sure how to interact with them anymore...afterall SD is the one that said this is your Gramma & we bonded now it's just too difficult to really keep a relationship of any quality with the distance (miles) between us.

ZipperKatz's picture

Thanks for replying.

My husband was great with the grandkids & he tried hard to be with her too. I know without a doubt that he has been eaten up with guilt over this since day 1 of the adoption & knowing him I know that he feels whatever happens, happens & that he must deserve it. That isn't fair in my eyes, he did not dump her & she is old enough to know & understand that...I believe. Children are adopted every day by new spouses. BTW...she has been married twice 2 kids by one & 2 kids by the current & she made a deal with her ex when he was behind in his Child support...she signed off of thousands of $'s he owed if he would sign off his rights to his kids. Like I said too many twists in our story to really give a full condensed story.

At one point in these years of contact she used to call me two & three times a day then they moved closer to her inlaws & some of her relatives and then that stopped.

ZipperKatz's picture

Hey, I am really sorry to hear how your dad was/is with you.

I sincerly appreciate you commenting. I was on Amazon trying to find some books that might help & saw this link & that's how I found this site.

I have posted on another site & was totally assaulted with nasty accusations. Blaming me & my husband for all that is wrong. If I was not sincere about this I sure wouldn't be posting & asking for advise. I really felt that we were going to be able to have a real relationship with her & the grandkids. Sometimes I have to wonder if she had planned to have it turn out like this.

I am a Christian (weather you are or not doesn't matter, it is what it is) and I prayed about this for years...I thought it had finally been answered. Sad really sad.

Thanks.

jennaspace's picture

I'd be pretty bitter if I were her too. You H is his own man. How could his ex's family coax him to sign away the rights of his daughter. Doesn't make sense. Dtr rightly wanted him to fight for her.
I think you need to respect her wishes. This is between them. Since he didn't fight for her then, it might really help if he was fighting for a relationship now (not by proxy).

p.s. I do get how hard you've tried and how much you want to see healing. Like most of our problems with skids, this is really about them (so and skids) and not us.

ZipperKatz's picture

I know without a doubt that he has been eaten up with guilt over this since day 1 of the adoption & knowing him I know that he feels whatever happens, happens & that he must deserve it. That isn't fair in my eyes, he did not dump her & she is old enough to know & understand that...I believe. Children are adopted every day by new spouses. BTW...she has been married twice 2 kids by one & 2 kids by the current & she made a deal with her ex when he was behind in his Child support...she signed off of thousands of $'s he owed if he would sign off his rights to his kids.

You wrote: I'd be pretty bitter if I were her too. You H is his own man. How could his ex's family coax him to sign away the rights of his daughter. Doesn't make sense. Dtr rightly wanted him to fight for her.

Right no one held him at gun point. BM's SIL was secretary for the lawyer & called him & told him how much better off she, Dtr would be because DH was not & isn't well to do but new husband was.
I know there are a lot of people that don't understand that but HE thought he was doing what was best for her being the divorce was filed 300 miles away & the BM was constantly keeping him fom seeing dtr and it was not possible for him to take her to court constanly in another county that far away. He was not financially able & she knew it so she just kept jerking his chain. SD has told me that she knew her dad loved her that she had photos of her & him when she was a baby. BM was never at home with her babysitters were & no she did not work I mean she was out. But yet she kept us from seeing her. Thanks for your insight just seems like not many have any thoughts beyond the skin of the matter as far as how I feel about this.

ZipperKatz's picture

:jawdrop: Wow...I wasn't trying to replace anyone!!! I was trying to help bridge a gap that would help the two of them become comfortable with each other. I am his wife and have been since 77 so I am a part of him and want what's best for all of us and SD gave me the impression that, that was what she wanted too...for a long while, then all of a sudden it changed. I'm not saying everything was peachy but we got along...she called me a lot...she never asked to speak to her father, ever!! :? I had to say to her do you want to speak to your dad...sometimes she'd say sure and others oh that's okay I gotta get going, just wondered how things were going.
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