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Tantrums - A child's tool for control and world domination

Nobodytoyou's picture

I wrote this after doing a lot of research and experiencing a lot of tantrums, fits and meltdowns. let me know what you think. This is my essay on Tantrums.

Tantrums
A child’s tool for control
And world domination.
By: Nobodytoyou
A tantrum is an act/lie/show. Ultimately it is a form of manipulation. A “Tantrum” is defined as a violent demonstration of rage or frustration; a sudden burst of ill temper. A tantrum is an emotional and sometimes “physical” act ultimately used as a tool to gain control and anything else the child desires. Most often a tantrum will immediately stop just as suddenly as it started as soon as the child gets whatever it is they originally wanted or if they feel they have “gained” enough.
A tantrum is not to be confused with a “fit” or a “meltdown”.
A “fit” or “throwing a fit” is a child’s way of expressing feelings and emotions that are new to them and that they don’t totally understand yet. “Throwing a fit” is defined as an onset, spell, or period of emotion, feeling, inclination, activity, etc.: It is usually used to “show” you how they feel when they are not yet able to “tell” you. It is most often used when they are upset about something you did, didn’t do or denied them of doing or having. A fit may also occur when the child is trying to do or accomplish something they are not fully capable of yet and as a result “throw a fit” out of frustration.
A “meltdown” looks and sounds like a “fit” or a “tantrum”. A “Meltdown” is defined as . What sets a meltdown apart from these other behaviors is that a meltdown is not used to “gain” or “show” anyone anything. A meltdown is a total loss of control for the child, emotionally and also sometimes physically. It is completely without purpose. A meltdown will continue even when the child receives whatever it was they wanted that initially caused the meltdown in the first place.
A tantrum is a TOOL used by a child to GAIN something they want. There are only a few reasons a child will use a tantrum. Tantrums are used to A: Gain attention. B: To get something they want that they were denied of. C: To get out of doing something they don’t want to, or D: It is used as a punishment to you for being denied of reasons A & C. Tantrums can also be used as a last ditch effort to get out of trouble. Their way of saying, “Oh I’m in trouble? Well now you’re in trouble.” All reasons still equate to a demand for control. The key is to never give into this behavior. If the child gains ANYTHING from a tantrum they will not hesitate to use this “tool” again. Even if what they “gain” is not what they initially wanted, they still learn that a tantrum equals gain and this gain equals control. As long as it works, they will use this tool again and again. The only way to stop this bad behavior is to stop allowing the child to gain from it. If all they get in return for a tantrum is some sort of disciplinary action, such as getting sent to their room alone etc., then they will stop using this “tool”. This takes dedication and consistency. You can NEVER give in. No matter how hard they cry, or how loud they scream, or how many times they say they hate you, you can never give in. Even hugging them and consoling them in an attempt to “calm” them down is giving in. They are still gaining your attention, and in return, they are gaining control. There is no “calming down” a tool. You are only proving the tool is useful. Thus, giving more reason to keep using it.
Obviously, you don't want the child to think that this is appropriate behavior or that it is a good way for them to get attention or what they want. Even if you don’t give in 99% of the time, that 1% is still enough for them to believe that the tool might work again. It is difficult to completely ignore them during the time of a tantrum. But you don’t want to “reward” the tantrum with any more attention beyond making sure the child is safe and not going to hurt themselves or anyone/anything else around them. If the tantrum started because they wanted something and you said "no," or you want THEM to do something and THEY said “no” then you must ignore the tantrum completely. Every single time. It’s easier said than done but still, it must be done and not just said. No person nearby wants to hear or see your child’s tantrum and neither do you. It’s annoying, frustrating, heartbreaking and embarrassing but what must be understood is that by never giving in is teaching the child that it is pointless for them to continue that bad behavior. They have no reason to continue when it never gets them anywhere. A child’s main goal is to progress and adapt. If the square peg doesn’t fit in the round hole, eventually they will move on and try something else. And in the case of tantrums, almost anything else they try will be better.

Nobodytoyou's picture

Ok, I broke it down and fixed the font issue. Its somewhere below this comment. Thank you for your interest!

herewegoagain's picture

FYI - sometimes what looks like a tantrum is actually a seizure. I know it sounds weird. Believe me I could never have believed that. My son had lots of tantrums around age 3-5...he was diagnosed with autism...during the diagnosis, we found out he was actually have seizures... :jawdrop: It made me feel like crap...and believe me, I could've thought they were tantrums. Just saying...

Nobodytoyou's picture

Tantrums
A child’s tool for control
And world domination.
By: Nobodytoyou

A tantrum is an act/lie/show. Ultimately it is a form of manipulation. A “Tantrum” is defined as a violent demonstration of rage or frustration; a sudden burst of ill temper. A tantrum is an emotional and sometimes “physical” act ultimately used as a tool to gain control and anything else the child desires. Most often a tantrum will immediately stop just as suddenly as it started as soon as the child gets whatever it is they originally wanted or if they feel they have “gained” enough.

A tantrum is not to be confused with a “fit” or a “meltdown”.

A “fit” or “throwing a fit” is a child’s way of expressing feelings and emotions that are new to them and that they don’t totally understand yet. “Throwing a fit” is defined as an onset, spell, or period of emotion, feeling, inclination, activity, etc.: a fit of anger; a fit of weeping. It is usually used to “show” you how they feel when they are not yet able to “tell” you. It is most often used when they are upset about something you did, didn’t do or denied them of doing or having. A fit may also occur when the child is trying to do or accomplish something they are not fully capable of yet and as a result “throw a fit” out of frustration.

A “meltdown” looks and sounds like a “fit” or a “tantrum”.

A “Meltdown” is defined as an emotional breakdown; the process or state of irreversible breakdown or decline. What sets a meltdown apart from these other behaviors is that a meltdown is not used to “gain” or “show” anyone anything. A meltdown is a total loss of control for the child, emotionally and also sometimes physically. It is completely without purpose. A meltdown will continue even when the child receives whatever it was they wanted that initially caused the meltdown in the first place.

A tantrum is a TOOL used by a child to GAIN something they want. There are only a few reasons a child will use a tantrum. Tantrums are used to

A: Gain attention.
B: To get something they want that they were denied of. C: To get out of doing something they don’t want to, or D: It is used as a punishment to you for being denied of reasons A & C. Tantrums can also be used as a last ditch effort to get out of trouble. Their way of saying, “Oh I’m in trouble? Well now you’re in trouble.” All reasons still equate to a demand for control. The key is to never give into this behavior. If the child gains ANYTHING from a tantrum they will not hesitate to use this “tool” again. Even if what they “gain” is not what they initially wanted, they still learn that a tantrum equals gain and this gain equals control. As long as it works, they will use this tool again and again. The only way to stop this bad behavior is to stop allowing the child to gain from it. If all they get in return for a tantrum is some sort of disciplinary action, such as getting sent to their room alone etc., then they will stop using this “tool”. This takes dedication and consistency. You can NEVER give in. No matter how hard they cry, or how loud they scream, or how many times they say they hate you, you can never give in. Even hugging them and consoling them in an attempt to “calm” them down is giving in. They are still gaining your attention, and in return, they are gaining control. There is no “calming down” a tool. You are only proving the tool is useful. Thus, giving more reason to keep using it.

Obviously, you don't want the child to think that this is appropriate behavior or that it is a good way for them to get attention or what they want. Even if you don’t give in 99% of the time, that 1% is still enough for them to believe that the tool might work again. It is difficult to completely ignore them during the time of a tantrum. But you don’t want to “reward” the tantrum with any more attention beyond making sure the child is safe and not going to hurt themselves or anyone/anything else around them. If the tantrum started because they wanted something and you said "no," or you want THEM to do something and THEY said “no” then you must ignore the tantrum completely. Every single time. It’s easier said than done but still, it must be done and not just said. No person nearby wants to hear or see your child’s tantrum and neither do you. It’s annoying, frustrating, heartbreaking and embarrassing but what must be understood is that by never giving in is teaching the child that it is pointless for them to continue that bad behavior. They have no reason to continue when it never gets them anywhere. A child’s main goal is to progress and adapt. If the square peg doesn’t fit in the round hole, eventually they will move on and try something else. And in the case of tantrums, almost anything else they try will be better.

asheeha's picture

thanks. this helped me to see that my SD8 has meltdowns usually. they are frustrating but i think i might be able to help her a little better when they happen.

but since they all look alike how are you to know which one you're facing? because they require different responses

Nobodytoyou's picture

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Nobodytoyou's picture

They all look similar. They are really very different. Fits are shorter out bursts. Usually out of frustration. Even adults can have these. You can’t get you email to open or something and you pound your fists on your desk and grit your teeth. Or something along those lines. Say the kid starts crying and yelling and you notice they are trying to open some new toy. You go over and open it and hand it to them and the fit stops. And they go on their merry way. But sometimes you might not notice that frustrates them, and they do not have to language skills yet to tell you. So they throw a fit for attention. It’s up to you to figure out what caused it. But they typically do not last very long. You might see them struggle with a toy whine and cry a little about their frustration then kick the toy and walk away to move onto something else. Kids want to figure things out for their self’s. It’s good for them to struggle so they can learn on their own how to cope with the frustration of life being difficult sometimes, failing at something or simply being told no.

Nobodytoyou's picture

Tantrums are much more intense. They usually involve crying and loud intense screaming, that seems to get even louder when you try to say or do something. They will stomp their feet and flail their arms. The tantrum looks and sounds so much like a meltdown. The biggest difference is they want you to see and hear it. If you turn your back they will get louder or walk around in front of you then drop back to the floor. They might be lying on their stomachs crying and pounding their fists, but occasionally will look up to make sure you notice. This is more than a car for attention. It’s what I call a tool for control. You have probable seen this yourself as a parent. For example when you’re at home and they want a cookie but it’s almost dinner time so you say no. This might cause a tantrum. They WANT that cookie, but they might really just NOT want you to say no. so the crying starts. You continue to say no. The tantrum grows. Next thing you know its all-out crying and screaming for something so insignificant. To you anyway. This is when some parents cave in, not because they are bad parents. But maybe because they are so exhausted from their own frustrating day and well it’s just one cookie… or they just can’t stand to see their kid so upset, so they give in… and give them the cookie and the tantrum stops just as fast as it started. Some whimpering might continue but overall it’s over. Everyone is happy. But what did that kid just learn? That crying and screaming got them what they wanted. Some parents will stay strong and not give them that cookie, but instead will hold and pet their kid and say how sorry they are and explain why they can’t have the cookie. And continue to hug and kiss them to make them feel better. This does work sometimes. But still, the tantrum still got a response. Most kids, in the tantrum age range, like all of that attention. They still gained. They got your attention. It’s less about the cookie and more about getting your attention and getting a reaction from you. And gaining a little bit of control.

asheeha's picture

I don't know if you're asking the OP or me. But I imagine it is different for different children. I will hold my SD and validate her feelings. She can't really talk much when this happens she shuts down verbally.

I would give her some crayons and paper for her to put her feelings down in a picture or have her write a song or journal about it. She can choose what she feels like doing.

Nobodytoyou's picture

Meltdowns can be the worst of them all. They usually cannot be stopped. They might be prevented if you can link what might have caused the meltdown and try to stop it before it starts. But once it starts you almost just have to sit back and let it run its course. Let’s say you were at the store and they said they wanted a toy. And you said no, who cares why. And that sets off a meltdown. Once it starts you might try to give in and offer them the toy they wanted and the meltdown will continue. You might then say ok well we’ll stop for ice-cream on our way home! And that won’t work. You could even say well then let’s go to Disney land! Nothing will work. Usually the best thing to do is tell them that you can see they are upset and they can take some time to calm down. If you’re at home you might want to put them in their room and let them finish the meltdown. They might scream, spit, and throw their selves on the floor pounding their hands and feet. They might even hit their self’s, or you. So it’s best to make sure they are safe while the melt down runs its course. It really is a complete lack of self-control and most of the time there can be no stopping it.