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We don't see my husbands SD who is 19 anymore

lenny's picture

Well, where to start. I would like some advice in from an unbiased source who does not know me or my SD. I have asked friends for advice but they will always have my interests at heart, which may not be the best.

I met my husband 8 years ago and the SD at the same time. It was a chance meeting on a holiday.

I did not start to date him for at least 6 months as I had just come out of a relationship. When we did start a relationship I moved in a couple of months later. His daughter at the time was 11 and visited twice a week. This did not change. I fell pregnant soon into our relationship and the SD would soon no longer be an only child. Her Mother did not, and has not got any other children.

Both my SD's Dad and I spoke to her about 'the baby' and I emphasised that she was his first born and nothing would change that.

Everything seemed good until I discovered she was stealing my things, make up, hair brush, sunglasses. Things would go missing with no possible explanation and then I realised it was her. I located make up of mine in her school bag, however I did not remove this, nor did I say I had seen this.

My hairbrush is a large paddle brush and this was taken. I decided to call her Mother to explain that she had taken my brush. She passed this off as an accident! It was a large paddle brush and no way could this be a mistake.

As the years went by when she turned 13/14 she no longer wanted to come around. Mainly after she stole one of her Dad's old mobile phones. IT had a distinctive mark across it so when she turned up at our place asking her Dad for a charger for her 'new phone' I was furious to see she had stolen from her Dad! I told my husband that it was his and he asked her out right if it was his and she said 'no'. This continued. I picked her up from school and decided to have it out with her. I said I would like to give you an opportunity to confirm you have taken your Dad's phone as we have searched for it in the whole house and it cannot be found. After a long silent car journey she said she had taken it. I was glad that she confessed but said that she shouldnt steal, and especially disappointed as its from her own father. She said she just wanted a better phone. We had only just bought her a brand new one for xmas at the age of 14.

The relationship between SD and I is strange. When I see her, for example if she comes on a shopping trip, when it comes to dropping her off outside her Mum's I struggle to get her out of the car, but when she is not with us, it is difficult to get her to see us.

Just over a year ago she saw one of my husbands ex's. This is one that cheated on him and also tried to split me and my husband up. Might I just add, when I met my husband he had separated from this ex over a year ago, she had a boyfriend and he had had a few girlfriends in between.

We met up with his Daughter (aged 18) and she said she had seen her and the ex had friend requested her on facebook. My SD knows what she had done to her Dad and also that she tried to split us up. This ex was in my SD's life from roughly 5-10 so quite an impressionable age. Apparently it was the Daughters real Mother that told her to go and talk to her - might I add that the Mother HATED this ex girlfriend and she hated her. Subsequently they are now friends.
My SD had confirmed that her Mother always hates her Dad's girlfriends. She even came to a family party and started texting my husband saying 'why do you pick girls who look like me etc etc' She is fat and i am thin, we look nothing alike. The only similarity is blond hair. Anyway it is evident that she was jealous and so was the other ex which is why she started making up stuff to try to separate us but thankfully this never worked.

Anyway my SD's Dad told her not to get in touch with this ex but low and behold she did. She even started broadcasting how this ex had been there for her through thick and thin - they hadnt been in touch for years! Her Dad asked her to stop all contact with the ex but she declined and said no way.

My husband and I decided to get married and it was decided that we would not invite my SD. I saw her out and said that she needs to sort out things with her Dad. (Please note I am normally the one who initiates contact when there is a fall out but if I didnt speak to the SD so much perhaps there would be no falls out in the first place. I get irritated by her constantly lying. She lies for the sake of lying and its frustrating).
She did text and said sorry but we were due to get married the following week and my husband did not want her there as she had disrespected us both. I even called him the night before the wedding and said we could add an extra seat but he declined.

The wedding went on and we started seeing the SD again.

Then... she started to try and date a member of my family, one of whom she has never been interested in. IT was a week after a text argument we had had. Bit of a coincidence. Her Dad told her to end the relationship and she point blank refused.
After talking to my family the relationship came to an end, however my family suffered a self inflicted knife injury as a few days after the separation she was snogging a bloke in front of him. He asked to talk to her and she was but this other lad kept trying it on. The result the bloke punched my family member and SD just walked off and left them to it!

I was really angry with SD for trying to get involved with my family, especially as only a matter of months ago she had been seeing a boy for 2 weeks and said she was going to get pregnant. I explained she couldnt as she lived at home, she said thats ok as the babys father could come and see the baby at weekends and after work. She even confessed he does not want kids!! Thankfully they broke up but you can imagine how i felt when she started dating a family member. If they had kids together I would be related in 2 different ways, a step gran and via my family member! I felt sick to the stomach.

My SD is selfish and a liar. She is also, I believe, a cleptomanic.

The only thing is I do feel sorry for her as she was passed around all of her Mothers friends when she was a kid. She said she did not mind this. Her Mother is a selfish cow (not that I would tell SD this). Her Mother has also slated her Father despite him always paying large amount of maintenance and looking after and taking her on holidays! When her Mother found out I was pregnant she immediately arranged a christening and said I was allowed to come, even though SD wanted me to - she was 11 at the time,.

We now don't see my SD and my friends say it's for the best due to all the heartache she has caused in the past. All of the above is not an extensive list.

Should we forgive and forget and get in touch. My husband said I am not to contact her ( I am usually the one that does when there is a fall out) so I have to respect his wishes.

My SD ex boyfriend told me not to bother with her as she is really not interested in me or my husband.

What should I do? Should I try to convince my husband to want to see his daughter or just leave it and hope that our paths cross one day when she is older?

caregiver1127's picture

If your husband says leave it alone then leave it alone. She lies, cheats and steals would you be friends with someone like this and why bring her around to your child - protect your own and leave her the hell alone!!!

momof5_1969's picture

I agree with your DH -- don't get in touch with her and just leave her alone. She sounds like a pain in the butt. I'd be thrilled if that happened with my SD22 -- if she'd just leave us alone once and for all.

oneoffour's picture

Well I would leave her alone. She is an adult and able to make her own choices.

That being said no one can tell her who she can and cannot contact. Just because it makes you uncomfortable doesn't mean she can't do it. As for the FB comments about the ex, I would ignore. She is only doing it for attention and anyone who matters knows the truth.

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

Read back through your own blog. One of your main complaints is that your husband told her to leave his exGF alone, and she didn't. He told her to leave your family alone, and she refused.

He has told YOU to leave his daughter alone. LEAVE HER ALONE!!!

If he wants to get things sorted out with her, nothing on Earth will stand in his way from doing so, I assure you. He doesn't need you to urge him into doing anything. He's a grown man. Consider the possibility that he just doesn't want to see her. She's a trouble maker.

It's possible to love someone from a distance, such as an adult child, but not want them disrupting your life with their thievery and constant drama. Maybe he is just used to it and over it. Either way, it's not for you to decide. Leave her alone, respect his wishes.

Kilgore SMom's picture

Just leave sd alone for now. If and thats a big if (because I don't see it happening) she were to mature enough to want a relationship with her father I would let her start it.

Rags's picture

I find it interesting that your DH does a bunch of mandating to his daughter. He ought to realize by now that he has no influence to mandate to her with.

He mandated that she defriend his XGF on FB. To no avail.

He mandated that she not date your family member. To no avail.

He has mandated that you not contact your SD.......

This is interesting to me. I see no evidence in your OP that your DH makes much effort to interface with his daughter other than to mandate who she have relationships with. I can understand why she has little contact with her father.

Don't get me wrong. Your SD may very well be an unpleasant little shit. She definately seems to be a thief and needs her butt put in jail for it. If she were mine I would have lipstick web-cams all over the house with plenty of footage of her stealing. I would have put her in jail if I were you.

My opinon on to contact or not to contact your SD and to forgive and forget is that it depends. If you can truly put the past behind you then contact her and try to include her in the lives of your family. If you can't put the past behind you then don't contact her.

It is unfortunate that your SD was an unwanted child, at least by her BM, and passed around to friends and family. However, as my own mother has told me several times in my life, "at some point the problems we each inherit from our parents become our own problems to solve and we can no longer blame them on our parents when we refuse to solve them for ourselves." Your SD is now austentibly an adult. She needs to act like one and take responsibility for solving her own life's problems.

All IMHO of course.

emotionaly beat up's picture

This is up to your husband to sort out with his daughter. If you involve yourself in this I am sure you will live to regret it. Do as he says, and leave it alone.

lenny's picture

I have and will continue to leave her alone. ~I just think it is so sad to think of a daughter not seeing her father. I am from a broken home but I see my Dad and if we have an argument, which is very rare we sort it out.

i think the difference with my SD is she is not the brightest and her life is her Mother so I guess my SD's ex boyfriend was right when he said 'she isnt interested in you or your husband'.

RAGS comment
I have only focused on the issues we have had, not with the good times. We have had many. When SD and her Dad are together he is constantly making her laugh. He is a very witty and generous man. He has given her so much over the years. The only issues we have had are that of the above.

DH did not 'tell her' to not get in contact with the ex but asked her no to as she is trouble.
DH asked her not to go out with my very close family member' again she did the opposite.
I think in all honesty she liked the attention she got from it and that's why she did both. She had our attention prior to this but now she has not and it is only her that is going to miss out, on her father and her half brother.
I can also imagine there is a lot of resentment towards my son because he lives with Mum and Dad (her Dad) so it must be hard.

He would take her away for the 6 weeks of the summer holidays and go to waterparks etc. (SD did repay this by stealing her cousins things).

My frustration is that there is, despite the issues, a possibility of a great relationship for SD and her Dad to have. Also for her half brother and also me as I would like nothing more than to get along without all the drama.

I have always wanted a daughter and often I have wanted nothing more than to take her out and buy her clothes and make up. When I have taken her out she has loved it. The thing is I dont knnow what goes on behind closed doors. It is clear that her Mother is her life as this is all she talks about and I mean ALL so one word from her and she will listen.

I will just accept that there is nothing that I can do as at the end of the day she is not my daughter and it is my DH's decision and only his. I will say no more on this matter, nor will I get in contact with SD.

Hopefully she will not be stubborn (like she normally is) and will get in touch one day.

Who knows...

Thanks for all the comments.

lenny's picture

Thank you StepAside you have made me look at things and evaluate them as I should do.

I should not force something, nor should my DH force something she doesn't want. IT was her ex boyfriend that said she is not interested in us and I do believe what he says but didnt want to. I know if I treated my Dad like this he would be devasted.

As you say hopefully in the end she will come back as an adult with respect.

It sounds strange but despite everything she has done I still love her as she is part of my husband and half sister to my son.

Thank you for all the advice.

always wrong's picture

Your SD has typical behavior for a SD, but from your post, It seems to me that she stole for attention. It sounds like she wanted attention that she was not getting. Also, it sounds like your DH wasn't that into parenting his child. Sorry, I don' t mean to sound blunt, but I have a SD and was put thru pure HELL (Still am) and they do this for attention. I understand the not wanting to leave the car/ but not wanting to come over, as I went thru this as well.... A lot of this has to do with the gifts, shopping trips, etc. Your SD comes over when it benefits her.

You sound like a caring SM, you always seem to include her (accept for the wedding). If your DH said not to contact her, I believe you should respect his wishes, but how old is she now? She is dating your family? so I'm confused, is she still under 18 Yrs Old? As far as contacting the ex girlfriend of your DH, she obviously did this for some sort of arise from you or your DH. Your SD seems like she is still craving attention from your DH. If you truly want to have a relationship with her and not just get her and her father back together, I don't see harm in writing her a letter or sending her a card (no gift or money) to see how she is. My SD stopped talking to us for two years after I kicked her out (physically and verbally abusive she was to me) and it was me who made the contact via a text message with her after a car accident she was in. We did slowly begin to talk and 7 months later, she moved back in and started to get her life on track. Now, 7 months later, she has reverted back into a 14 year old (she is 20) graving my DH attention and stating how she has to "fight for his attention" with me. Sometimes it's better to let things go and let nature take it's course. Good Luck