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Help Please

weathersnstuff's picture

Sad HELP, please. I need some advise.
I am 47 y/o man, in an almost 3 year relationship, 2 of those years of marriage to a 49 y/o lady (her first marriage, my second) who has a 27 y/o son who is at home with no job who is respectful, just no direction in life right now , but he is trying.
We have my 17 y/o son at home who has a crappy high school record, a computer gamming problem, but has committed to a youth challenge program here in GA at Fort Gordon and then hopefully to the military, who is very respectful and causes no problems to speak of.
The major problem lies with my wife’s 23 y/o son and his 24 y/o wife who has her only grand child who is 3 y/o.
I am have a high a high strung personality style due to the many years I spent in a 911 center and on an ambulance.
I have many personal flaws, but I am a tradionaly oriented decent loving type of guy.
My wife has a fiercely independent type personality and is proud to have raised 2 boys by herself and takes very much offence when anything negative is said about their raising, but for the most part a very loving and compassionate person. She makes 3 times the pay I do. This is not an issue until there's a problem and an argument over these adult children then it is used as a battering ram against me.
My wife and her children are very close.
They have partaken together and lived together off and on for a long time.
There are no boundaries to speak of in this household where it comes to the grown kids.
None of the kids contribute anything consistently to speak of to the house hold, but use and abuse it as if it where their own with no regard to the ones who do live there or their so called personal space.
They do make my wife happy WHEN the 23 y/o and 24 y/o decide to come around with the grandchild or they when need something.
These guys are very disrespectful to me, strait to my face.
The 24 y/o daughter in-law mostly
They will manipulate my wife like a rag doll and she accepts every jab, every curse name and so on that comes out of these guys with a smile on her face.
The 24 y/o daughter is the worst for me to try and deal with.
I love my wife with all my heart, but she will drop everything (including, as of last weekend, plans for her and I to spend the evening together) and drive 80 miles out of her way at the whim/whimper of her 23 y/o to console him, as he seems to have a miserable existence for the most part, due to his very tenaciously, mean spirited 24 y/o wife.
This insipid woman will totally ignore me when I casually speak to her in passing.
She always has a hurtful or demeaning comment to or about me when she doe’s acknowledge my presents.
This woman and the 23 y/o have for the last 2 of my wife’s birthday, have come over and taken center stage with their insipid behavior and the incidences go on and on.
She stumbled into the house unannounced in the middle of the night, in a drunken stupor and slapped me across me face recently, calling me everything but a child of God, with my wife standing by watching and doing nothing to stand up for me.
I have done nothing to deserver any of this from this woman.
I treat the grandchild as if she where my own with lost of attention and respect.
I have reached out to them/her many times, offering my friendship and love only to have my attempts mocked and made fun of.
I have already swallowed allot of their abuse and mistreatment in order to keep the peace to no avail.
My wife says I need to just let more time pass and they/she will come around and accept me.
My wife is telling me that if I don’t accept this abuse from this woman, keep my mouth shut to keep the peace with them, that our marriage will be in danger of ending and that my 17 y/o son and I can move out.
I know my wife has a cretin degree of love for me in her heart (but this makes me question this) and I love her very much and place her above all else.
I do foresee, right now, anything changing at all due to my wife’s acceptance of their unacceptable behavior.
Are my feeling justified or am I being too harsh ?
Is this right ?
Is this to be accepted or tolerated by me ?
Should I do as my wife says ?
Can someone give me any advise PLEASE , something I can show my wife that is of an opinion outside of the family that shows I’m not being selfish ?

weathersnstuff's picture

Yea, it was tough being a high strung man not to knock the dog squezz outta her, but I restarined myself and took everything I had.
But I really want to save this relationship.
She is a great woman except letting the grown kids rule.

Delilah's picture

Your wife is blackmailing you, that is not an act of a loving wife and I guess you have to ask yourself if all this misery is worth it? Btw these people wont just suddenly miraculously change either, they will probably escalate. I wonder how long your wife expects you to be treated abusively until she deems it long enough? Another 10 years...I am guessing forever and then conveniently there will be another excuse lugged out of the cupboard in order to justify this behaviour towards you, no doubt of your own making according to her. Remember while she doesnt wish to lose her children, they are adults and have more capacity to reason with - however her grandchild is a baby and ruled by her mother. So this imo will go on and on with this grandbaby being dangled as motivation for your wife to continue surpressing your right to a voice!

The reason your wife is being this way is because she doesnt want to challenge this disrespect, she doesnt want to cause disruption of her enjoyment of her children and grandkids, so in effect she is choosing herself and her happiness every single time over your welbeing. Again is this what marriage is about? She sounds extraordinarily selfish and uncaring.

Your wife is saying your marriage maybe in jeopardy if you decide to protect yourself, but what you are failing to see is your marriage is in trouble anyway. It will likely fall apart if you dont stand up for yourself and your right to be happy too!

I think deep down you know things arent going to change, you hope desperately that your wife will see the light and change the house rules- but she wont. She has no motivation to do so right now. She has everything she wants doesnt she? You, mute and putting up with her dictating to you. Her children coming over and doing what they do and the same for her grandchild...

Personally, if ANYONE physically assaulted me I would be reporting them. If I was kindly inclined to give them another chance, they wouldnt be setting foot in my home again.

I know when I had problems with my PIL/SIL/BM I eventually banned them from my home, at first against my husbands wishes to a degree. I had to fight to protect myself because my DH wouldnt support me initially. It was my fault. However, I realised that if my marriage was in that state I really had nothing to lose. So, I figured I might as well begin to make decisions to protect myself and place my happiness as a priority. If I didnt, no one else was and first and foremost I was responsible for myself and my own happiness. Not DH. YOU are.

So disengage from them all. Stand up for what affects you negatively and dont be afraid to tell wife how things are going to be. My DH even shouted at me in response to my telling him these people werent to darken my door "well how are you going to stop them?"....ME: Tell them they either leave or the police get called...and DH KNEW I was not shitting him either. Ofcourse DH tried to "reason" with me, blackmail me, guilt me over certain things I said/decided but I told him nicely once what was what, and then would repeat to him nicely (no matter his attitude) "You have decided to put up with this type of behaviour. While I disagree with this because I think its disrespectful, you have every right to make this decision as you are your own person. I too have a right to decide whether to put up with being treated in this manner - and I have decided I have had enough of it. You can disagree with me all you like, but thats how its going to be from now on and I have every right to protect myself and my son." and then I would leave the room. I wouldnt engage in any arguments over it - wasnt worth it as all that does is give them the opportunity to hurt and try and get at you. So shut that door and take the moral high ground by not reacting to any form of nastiness from them (when people are desperate and afraid they will do anything).

If you are concerned over your housing situation and suspect your wife may make good on her threats to evict you and ss17 from your home, then take measures to protect your family. Get legal advice in terms of whether she can just throw you out considering you are married, make tentative and subtle enquiries with friends and family regarding support, and get your finances in order as much as possible in order to strengthen your courage.

Good luck!

Ommy's picture

Honestly if she is asking you to be a door mat and take abuse from ADULTS (not little children) I think you may need to consider alternative options. As Adults her kids know what is acceptable and what is not. I would never recommend to any one to get a divorce or leave a relationship because I know that when you love someone it is not easy. Could you and your wife attend consoling? You both need to be on the same page as far as what is expected out of each other and what is acceptable behavior for her children. It sounds like there is a lot that may need to be discussed, a marriage is a partnership and it isnt fair to you to take a side line and be put below her children. Consoling does help, as long as both parties involved are willing to accept criticism.

stired_crazy's picture

Your dealing with not just the physical abuse of being slaped in the face but emotional and mental abuse as well.
NO PERSON in their right mind would except ANY of this!
And to be told if you don't stay shut then you and your son can leave? I feel bad that your son even has to be there and see how your treated, I am sure it hurts him and he prolly wonders why you don't leave.

Obvously your wife is not thinkng about how her actions and her kids actions also effect YOUR SON. I would not tell someone to leave their marriage, but until she decides to take a united front with you AS YOUR partner I think you will be giving you and your son a hard way to go.

She told you to give it time they will come around? Bottom line is they are not children, these are adults and she needs to tell them either to have respect for you or don't come around until they do,
"Thats taking a stand".
They can choose to be apart of this or not, and she needs to ask herself if your son went up and slaped the dog mess out of her would she just stand there? Would she keep her mouth shut? Would she except the fact that if she doesn't that you give her the same option? How loving and fair is any of this? " Really".

I see this treatment you are getting as a " Learned Behavior" and your wife needs to repriortize the difference between right and wrong and the value of you in this marriage.

Honestly, if your marriage was to fail..there STILL would be no man in this Gods green earh to tolerate any of this, and her daughter inlaw got lucky because most men would of laid her flat out on the pavement.

Bottom line : your wife needs to stop cosighning this behavior!

weathersnstuff's picture

Thank You all for your commenta and advise. It has helped me to really think about where I am at and where this going. Thank You !!!!