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My dh talks to his exwife way too much.

cincystep's picture

My boyfriend who has an 8 year old daughter with is exwife talks to her about silly issues. It's a long story but last january, after 4 years together his ex called me and told me they were sleeping together the entire time (he says its a lie and it only happened the first year but I dont know who to believe) I took him back under one condition, he would only talk to his ex wife when it came to matters concerning the daughter. Now she has come up with every reason why everything they talk about has to do with his daughter. Im not stupid. So I stepped it up and said no talking to her unless it's an emergency. Forgetting soccer socks is not an emergency. School pictures and who pays for them is not an emergency. Seeing what she got on her test at school is not an emergency. Telling her about my new job had nothing to do with their kid but in their mind it does. I dont mind that she talks to her daughter, who is 8, about school, soccer and homework but I dont like her talking to him. She is very manipulative and can spin her way into talking to him over the stupidest things.

Am I asking for too much? He told me he couldnt give that up and was willing to break up with me over it. He said I am being difficult and dont understand. He told me he wants to marry me but I need to get over this. Am I crazy? To make it worse, his parents talk to her all the time including having pictures of the former family all over the house. His parents like me but as soon as I said something about not talking to her I became the bad guy.

Oi Vey's picture

I think this is a hazard of staying with a man who cheats...especially when he cheats with someone who will ALWAYS be around.
Did I read that correctly? He ADMITTED to cheating on you for a year and you're STILL WITH HIM?!?

You deserve better.

Delilah's picture

This man is quite clearly a liar. Hes cheated on you, how long and whether this continues would be something I would continually ask myself and tbh I would be incredibly sceptical should he deny this. He has already admitted to cheating on you during your honeymoon period - I think a fling is too much to forgive but for an entire year?!!! :jawdrop:

The situation strikes me as completely toxic and unhealthy. He hasnt, no matter what is said, disentangled himself from his ex wife. Both emotionally and physically. He could still be sleeping with her. They both make up ANY excuse to "talk", they are emotionally reliant on one another and impo havent gotten over one another. Your bf doesnt want to stop this contact at all - in fact he has already admitted to cheating and when you have issued an ultimatum to him, he has thrown this back in your face - disrespecting you...again. Why allow this guy to treat you this way? Love?! Thats not love. Hes using you.

The fact hes not ashamed of how he has treated you - and he isnt, because if he was, he would do everything in his power to make your relationship work. Including limiting contact with the ex, but intead you are the one with an issue. Hes being emotionally abusive in making you think that you "just need to get over this". Hes already told you where the door is, if you are unable to accept this toxic environment, so use it.

Find someone who respects you and tbh you only are treated the way you, *allow* someone to treat you.

P.S. I would be going to be checked out for STI's too.

BMof 3SMof2's picture

I put up with that kind of BS the first few years of my relationship with my DH (married 8 years now) and while I don't believe they were sleeping together ever (I sure BB would have told me!), I know they would have long conversations on the phone, talk about getting back together, etc.all while he was dating me. My DH just couldn't let go of her and while he might very well have wanted me, he also still held onto her. She, of course, played him like a fiddle and just used it to her advantage to get money, etc from him. We ended up getting married and a year or so afterwards, I found out he went to her house the day after our wedding, and cried on her shoulder about "losing her". I should have walked then and there but I was so worried about him leaving and how it would affect MY kids, I agreed to go to counseling and try and work through it all. But...I can't forgive him. Just when I think I have, BB rises up and it all comes back to me. My biggest regret was not leaving and finding a man who could be honest with me.

It's her or you, Simple as that.