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I need an explanation from someone.

Unhappy's picture

Sorry this is so long.

Okay so this started last week. SO and I got into another fight yet again. SO told me that the day he bought the diamond for my engagement ring that the neighbor lady came over and when he told her about the ring she told him to run and that the ring should come with counceling. Me being a female or human for that matter was pretty upset about this comment. I regularly talk with this lady all the time and she's nice to my face. So I told SO that I was going to text her and I did. She responed with I never said run but I did say that you guys both needed counceling. Later that evening he tells me that I need to seek real help like a psychiatrist because of my past. He thinks that the reason why we fight so much is because of past issues from my child hood not from the issues that he has caused in the relationship.

On to the next day. I bring up what SO told me about the neighbor and he denies even saying it. (He does this often enough that I have told SO that we need to record some of our conversations. There is nothing more frustrating then someone telling you something and then denying saying it at all.) He then proceeds to tell me that I need to go and apologize for to the neighbor. WTF! I didn't even do anything. At that point in time I was under the impression that she came over and stuck her nose in my business. I told SO no. That if he thinks that she needs an apology he can do it because he caused all of the drama.

Keep reading if you can follow this:

So SO eventually tells me she never verbally told him to run. How it happened is when she came over he told her about the diamond and then SO asked her, "so you think I should run don't you" and the neighbor ladies reaction was to shrug her shoulders which meant yes in his book and then she made the comment about the ring coming with counceling. I'm sorry but why would he just blurt that out to her, "so you think I should run"?

Fast forward to the night before last. SO and I are talking in the garage about the ring coming with counceling and SO agreed with me that she was referring to me getting therapy.

The folowing day I get home from work and SO tells me that he apologized to the neighbor lady about bringing her into our drama, which I didn't agree with because from what SO had told me she came over and stuck her nose in our business. I told him that I didn't care and that I had no intensions of hanging out with her in the future. He then proceeds to tell me, "so what, where just going to cut ourselves off from all the neighbors?" in a very disappointed voice. I brought up the how she thought that I should get counceling and he said that he wasn't sure what she meant that she could have meant the both of us. What??? I told him that he agreed with me that previuos night about that and he said the same thing again, that he wasn't sure what she meant. But he did make sure to let me know that when he apologized to her that she didn't deny implying that he should run. I asked him if he was this disappointed when she made her gesture and comment about the ring and he said yes at first and then I asked him if he just blew it off because it was the neighbor lady and he told me yes again. I asked him if he stood up to her for disrespecting me and he said yes and I asked him how and apparently he can't remember because it was so long ago. Really SO? You remember stuff I said from 6 months ago and you can't remember what you said to defend your future wife two weeks ago?

So I sent the neighbor lady another text (this lady was someone I thought was my friend) about the apology that SO gave her about bringing he into our drama and told me that SO apologized for lying and she never implied that he should run.

Are you still following this because I'm even having a hard time keeping up.

So I confronted SO about this today and he told me that he never apologized for lying to her. I told him that her story has been consistent and that his changed on almost a daily basis.

I am so confused right now. Apparently he has been discussing our relationship issues with the neighbors and now seeing as how he's only highlighting my flaws throughout the relationship they think he should run and I need therapy. I am so pissed right now. I have put up with his crazy a$$ stalking ex wife who he allowed to disrestpect me and our relationship for almost the first year of our relationship, his crazy out of control kids, he has called the police on me for putting my stuff in the trunk of my car and told them I was stealing his stuff, this list can go on and on and then when the relationship isn't doing good becuase I have reached the breaking point it becomes all me and I need therapy. I am so fed up righ now. He'll be damned lucky to find anybody to put up with as much sh!t as I have.

In a way I do think that I need therapy at this point. Not from my past but from dealing with him. He makes me feel like I am crazy. Not really what I want from a realtionship.

Can anybody help me with this. I am so confused as to what's going on and why it even happened in the first place.

CalgonTakeMeAway's picture

Wow...it is completely possible that you two should not be together. Even probable. First off, he lies. He can't seem to tell the truth. Doesn't that concern you at all? How can you believe anything he says? Next, he's going around talking about your relationship to all the neighbors and not in a flattering way to you? This is the same guy who is about to give you an engagement ring? You need to quit worrying about what the neighbors think and look at what's right in front of you.

He called the police on you? And lied to them too? What do you see in this man? Was this relationship ever good? This is a chaotic situation. You need to get out of it unless you thrive on drama.

I think you do need therapy. Anybody that would put up with all of this quite possibly has self esteem issues. This is not normal behavior. Oh, and in case I didn't mention it...HE'S A LIAR!

I hope you can break away from this. This is supposed to be the BEST time of your relationship and all you do is fight. CHAOS! You deserve somebody who will tell you the truth, defend you, NOT talk poorly about you. And BM and skids aren't going away. I'm gonna tell you...RUN!

Unhappy's picture

Calgon, it's not that I didn't want to reply to your response. I am at work when I typically have even the slightest amount of time to even come to this website. If you look at the times of when I responded they tend to be later in the day due to how busy my work is latey. I work for a large corporation dealing with federal contracts. Seeing as how the end of federals fiscal year is next month I have been extremely busy.

Here is what happened, and I know for a fact this is what happened because the neighbor came over and confronted him about it.

We were fighting or more like arguing. Both of us were saying mean things to each other and he told me that the neighbor lady told him to run which was a lie just to be mean. I was saying mean things as well. (Everybody does it. I heard my grandmother tell my grandfather to ef him and the efing horse he rode in on and she was going to take a nap all because he tried to help he by trimming one of her house plants and messed it up. Do you know what my grandfather did when she first confronted him about lied. It was quite funny actually because my little sister and I had just watched him do it.) Now what he said was a lie and the reason why his story makes no since is because he's not a good liar not that he was abusing me. Look at what I posted. Does it make any since to you? No, because he's not good at it. The truth finally came out. Yes he did call the cops on me for taking my own things and yes I do think that's crazy still. So does everybody who hears the story including his mother. SO is not very happy about it himself. Do I think SO is a liar? No. He's been to honest with me. I knew about every text from his ex-wife, every phone call, everything. Probably to the point of where that's where some of my resentment comes from.

SO and I have more good times then bad and I do believe that we are compatible. I don't think for one minute that he's abusing me at all. Believe me when I tell you I'm not really the type of person that you want to piss off and he knows that. I don't get violent because I don't believe in it but I have no problem standing up for myself. He couldn't control me if he tried. I would shut him down so quick he wouldn't know what happened and that you can believe. The women in my family don't take crap from anybody. Infact it's gotten me in trouble a couple of times throughout my life.

The thing is that you don't know me, if you did you definitely wouldn't be posting about how I just can't see that I'm in an abusive situation, you don't know my SO, and you don't know the whole situation. I shared just a fragment of what transpired. All I was looking to do was try and get some clarification as to what was going on. It was confusing the hell out of me.

I know that I love my SO with all my heart and I know that he feels the same way. We fight just like everybody else. It's normal. Yes our relationship takes constant work just like averybody elses. But this much I know. If I ever asked my SO for anything he would do it in a heart beat. He would give his life for mine. If that's not love then what is?

Aeron's picture

It sounds like it happened because your SO isn't a particularly nice person... It sounds like he's gaslighting you, he's obviously lying, he's letting other people treat you poorly and he's talking badly about you himself... I am very confused as to why you are with this man, much less considering marrying him.

Leave. Run. Quickly. Then find a good therapist to help you figure out why you think this an acceptable way for someone to treat you.

Unhappy's picture

I don't think that this is acceptable way to be treated by anyone. That's why I am posting about it. It's absolutely crazy that this even happened. It's like Jeckle and Hyde. He tells me the only reason why he told me is because he tells me everything and then turns around and tells me he should have never told me about it. Huh??? I'm confused. I just don't know what to think.

CalgonTakeMeAway's picture

I am so confused right now. Apparently he has been discussing our relationship issues with the neighbors and now seeing as how he's only highlighting my flaws throughout the relationship they think he should run and I need therapy. I am so pissed right now. I have put up with his crazy a$$ stalking ex wife who he allowed to disrestpect me and our relationship for almost the first year of our relationship, his crazy out of control kids, he has called the police on me for putting my stuff in the trunk of my car and told them I was stealing his stuff, this list can go on and on and then when the relationship isn't doing good becuase I have reached the breaking point it becomes all me and I need therapy.

He has been doing stuff to you since the beginning of your relationship. It started with not defending you to BM. WOW is right, about the gaslighting. I didn't know that had an official name. I don't think it's a Jekyll and Hyde situation. It sounds like he was never nice. You need to get yourself to a therapist who can help you sort this out...you need to get out of this relationship. YOU are worth WAY more than this!

Unhappy's picture

I just looked up the definition of gas-lighting and all I can say is wow.

Do people that use gas-lighting also have a way of manipulating the other people in your enviornment into thinking you're crazy too? Is that another part of gas-lighting?

twopines's picture

Yes. Knowing that this is being done to you is a huge advantage. You can stop thinking you're crazy and sort out what you want to do about this situation with a clear head.

Aeron's picture

Oh yes - just like abusers try to cut off the abused from all other friends and family (or anyone that can help them) gas-lighters will do everything they can to 'help' others in your life see that you really are crazy (not that abuser and gas-lighter are mutually exclusive terms by any means). Cause I mean really, it's just more Fun for them that way. Blum 3

Unhappy's picture

Now he's acting all sad about the fact that I think he lied to me. Amazing. Absolutely amazing. Another note about the whole cop thing:

When he called the cops that evening, it was after I told him I was leaving him. He later told me it was because he didn't want me to leave and didn't know what to do to make me stay. Apparently calling the cops was the best way to resolve that dilema.

The items that I placed in the trunk of my care were a birthday gift from his mother to me. When I told him that I was taking them he said that they were his. When I argued that point with him because his they were birthday presents to me he told me that he had the receipts for the items which made them his. It was at this point that I put the items in the trunk of my car and it was at this point that he called the cops. I then removed myself from the situation and went to the same neighbors house next door. He came over a little bit later and had his mother on the phone. She of course wants to talk with me. So I spoke with her. She told me that technically she bought the gifts for the house (meaning SO). I was floored. Not shocked though. He completely screwed his ex wife over in their divorse. She was lucky to make it out the door with the close on her back.

So flash forward to the present and he wants me to get along with his mother now afte that whole thing went down. Really SO? His explanation is that he made her do it which I completely disagree with. His mother is in her 50s. She knows the difference between right and wrong and nobody can force an adult to do that. I have already told SO that I want nothing from her. If she wants to buy me a gift she can just buy it for him. Technically that's what she's doing anyways. But SO thinks that I need to be the bigger person because this is family and that's what you do with family. Oh and she's an elder and that's how he was raised.

So last night I call my grandmother and talk to her about SO wanting me to go to therapy and she completely disagreed with that idea and told me that she thinks SO should seek counceling. Well, later in the evening I told SO about her response to his counceling idea and he told me that he never wants to meet her. Really SO? What about, it's just what you do for family, be the bigger person and the whole being raised to respect your elders tning. Apparently my grandmother is not family and being in her 60s does not make her in elder.

He completely contradicts himself all the time.

youngmama1b1g's picture

Get out now! This "man" is a child and has serious issues of his own to sort out. A relationship cannot be all take with no giving and it seems like thats what hes doing to you. Maybe take the ring before you go though }:) a lil extra money never hurts

alwaysanxious's picture

All I can say is WOW, he has major issues. Stay with him if you want constant drama and to question yourself all the time.

giveitago's picture

Ohhh hell's teeth! This guy really needs to see a shrink! So do you, now! Nice folks do NOT have to finish last you know...

I think that when you confront these sorts of people you are really feeding their egos, kind of like giving in to a kid's demands and turning them into entitled little brats. This guy is an immature child!

How you respond can make all the difference to how he treats you. You can stand up for yourself in a myriad of ways. One day DH was feeling low and, in front of his uncle, he said something about me that was not very complimentary. In front of the uncle I told him 'Just because you say those things does not mean that they are true.' DH did a complete 180, he apologised to me and I forgave him on the spot. I understood how much pressure he is under with work and kids and all but I am NOT his scapegoat! Uncle was impressed too! Not that I did it to impress him, my dignity and self respect was being challenged and that was how I chose to deal with it. You could get counselling, to help you get over some stuff from your RECENT past with SO, some of it is your responsibility too...how you react...how to remain calm and not get into what they call a 'pissing contest' with him. I took counselling to help me with SD, who is a scheming, manipulative and sometimes mean spiritied girl. I learned to switch off the buttons she pushed, just not to respond the way she anticipates and the negative behaviors stopped almost overnight! I wish you luck, it's not an easy thing to deal with.

Most Evil's picture

Please do not accept his 'treatment' of you like this. A person who loves you does not talk shit about you to anyone. I don't care what his excuse is, whether he 'understands' what you are saying or not, he is the one with a problem and I personally hope you dump him.

I dated a guy like this and was strung along for years. He went on to be obsessed and stalked me for more years. To my knowledge he has never gotten married or had a successful relationship and I had to get police involved on him for threatening me - then unbelievably he still tries to contact me to this day.

Only crazy people act this way honey. Get out!!! HUGS

Unhappy's picture

Thank you Ripley. We did talk last night about the whole issue and I also talked to the neighbor as well to see exactly what happened. The neighbor actually came over and confronted him about what he had said to me and how the apology went down.

I don't think that SO is gaslighting me. He has told me that he is totally commited to me and wants to marry me. He has told me that he has never felt this way about anyone before and I do believe him.

The issue is that there is a lot of resentment in our relationship. Mainly coming from my side. We have gone through a lot and it's taken it's tole on me.

I have heard many women on this website say that the toughest part of the relationship is the first couple of years. It that true?

overit2's picture

"I don't think that SO is gaslighting me. He has told me that he is totally commited to me and wants to marry me. He has told me that he has never felt this way about anyone before and I do believe him.

The issue is that there is a lot of resentment in our relationship. Mainly coming from my side. We have gone through a lot and it's taken it's tole on me.

I have heard many women on this website say that the toughest part of the relationship is the first couple of years. It that true?"

He IS gas-lighting you-him telling you he loves you doesn't mean he isn't abusive-he has ALL the red flags, believe me I was married to one. Run now....far away.

His "slip up mention" of 'i should run' was implying YOU are inferior...his mention of you needing therapy? Another way to make you doubt yourself,

Crazy-making, gaslighting, abusive behavior, controlling. Honey, run for the hills, get out now.

NO the first two years arent the hardest-that's the HONEYMOON stage, ALL couples have a great time the first two years-it's when the 'power struggle' stage hits it gets tough-BUT it is manageable if you stick with it. This isn't power struggle stage-he's a man w/abuser nature, no doubt.

Doubletakex3's picture

A therapist once told me that one of the worst forms of abuse is being led to believe that your reality isn't real. Gaslighting. Once someone has you in the place of doubting yourself to that degree they have ultimate control. Think about it, you're asking OTHER PEOPLE if you should get counseling? Do they live in your head? And, after talking with him you're now convinced this is all your fault...despite all of HIS lies that lead to this drama? Do yourself a favor and take back your life.

P.S. the first couple years of the relationship are supposed to be the easiest.

Unhappy's picture

No, I am not convinced this is all my fault. I do know that it takes two to tango. I have a lot of resentment towards him for all the crap he put me through. An example would be letting his ex wife disrespect me and our relationship for almost a year. I told him how I felt and he just wouldn't listen. SO was scared that if he said anything to her that she would go after him for child support even though they have 50/50 custody and he was going to loose everything he worked so hard for like his house. I can understand his fear but it got to the point that I wanted him to just tell her that he was in a comitted relationship with me. He finally did just that and told her that he was planning on spending the rest of his life with me and she finally stopped. Yes it took almost a year, but he did it. The issue with this is that by not listening to how I felt and his inability to set boundaries with his ex for that amount of time caused me to have some resentment towards him about how the whole issue was delt with. This is just one example of where my resentment stems from.

You know I see a lot of women here b!tching about how thier SOs or DHs do not treat the their biological children the same. How they have disney dad mantality. How they let the skids treat the Smom like crap. How their relationship goes on hold when ever the skids are around and many other things. Granted I have at one time or another b!tched about this with my SO as well. But the nice thing about him is that I can come to him and talk with him about it and he changes. He's actually realized, with my help, that he can't just be a friend to his kids. That they need him to be a parent and by being a parent it means parenting with boundaries, rules, and disapline.

Let's face it. We all come here to vent. Nobody here technically knows my SO or our situation. I know for a fact my SO is not abusive. He has not mentally tricked me into believing something that's not true. I didn't post this because I was questioning whether or not I should persue counceling. I was trying to get an outsiders perspective on what the heck was going on.

I do agree with getting counceling. Not for me but for both SO and I. It's not that we're not compatible, we have the great times more so then the bad. It's just that our relationship has been through a lot more then it should have for just starting out.

One thing that I do know for certain reagardless of the many vents that I posted on this website is that I love my SO with all my heart and I know he feels the same. I know he would do anything for me, all I would ever have to do is ask. Now if that's not love I don't know what is.