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finace too involved with ex wife

ontherail's picture

New to this site, engaged to a man with a crazy ex wife. She is remarried but still manipulates him. He gives in to a lot to avoid problems he could encounter with her concerning their 8yr son. ( During the divorce she accused him of sexual abuse to try and get full custody, put the boy who was 6 at the time through forensic exam all unfounded, just an example of her craziness.) She still calls him frequently even though remarried. He has given her advise on her new marriage, health issues ( she has history of drug and alcohol abuse and eatting disorders and comes up with some new illness regularly for attention.), finacial issues, how to's with commuter problems, has gone to their home to repair hole in ceiling, hang up big screen TV, put together new bed for the son, went to ball game with her new husband and their 8yr old even though the new husband cheated with the ex which ended the marriage. He has gone over there to give the new husband advise about his job, made him a new resume. He says he is a forgiving person and holds no grudges. I have voiced my concerns about his involvement with the ex wife as well as the new husband, I feel it is not mentally healthy. I voiced my concerns at the beginning of our relationship ( almost one yr ago). I got out of the relationship 4 months ago due to this concern, but after being assured that he would change I returned. There was improvement but gradually things have gone back to the way they were.
I love this man, but I don't think I can handle this dysfunctional relationship he has with the ex and new husband.
I am a widow of 4yrs. I have 2 teenage children, 16yr old son, 18yr old daughter from my first marriage, divorced 14yrs. My relationship with my ex consist of what is going on with the kids and when visitation will take place, very peaceful.
I don't like drama and that is all I foresee in this relationship. Someone please give me some advise, push me off the rail, knock some sense into me or tell me if I am wrong.
Thanks for your time

stepmasochist's picture

I don't know if you're wrong or not. What is it about your DH's relationship with the ex that you don't like?

All I can tell you is what I know about DH's family. My DH's parents divorced when he was quite young. His mom remarried when he was about 7. My FIL didn't remarry until DH was grown so there were no real SM issues. But DH's dad and his stepdad were pretty good friends. I think they may have sort of known each other before MIL and SFIL married, but I'm not sure on that one, I'd have to ask. But after they got married, FIL and SFIL went fishing together all the time. DH thought it was great. He loved them both and will say that his stepdad was actually more of a dad to him then his father, but I think he's proud that everyone got along so well. DH's stepdad died about 3 or 4 years ago and FIL helps my MIL sometimes. He's pretty good at fixing cars and has helped her with hers recently. I think if there are no crazy bitches or assholes in the mix, such things are possible.

That's just an anecdote on the subject. Take it for what you will.

Totalybogus's picture

I think he's crazy to trust this bitch after she accused him of SEXUAL ABUSE!!!

I think it's great for divorced people to get along with each other regarding their CHILD. I think it is not normal for him to be giving her marital advice or doing handiwork around her house. This may have been alright while he was single, but he has you in his life now and it makes you feel uncomfortable.. NUFF SAID. He needs to respect your feelings and let his x know that his concerns are only about his child, not hanging televisions and listening to her woes about married life. I wouldn't like it either.

I very rarely agree with ultimatums, but this is one of those times. You're not married to this man yet. Normally when someone is courting they are on their best behavior. If this is his best, I'd hate to see what it will be like when you seal the deal.

stepmasochist's picture

Oh man, how did I space on the sexual abuse crap when I was crafting my reply - she is crazy. LOL!

windee's picture

HELL ya! After that, who knows what she could be thinking of! There is no way I would be her door mat! Why can't her new DH or boyfriend hang the tv or patch the ceiling! Go to Lowes to figure out how to do it if you don't know how! HELL no! You are so right about everything Totalybogus!

Asher10's picture

We don't want our husband's fighting with the bm all the time but we don't want them to be besties either.cordial distance is best in my opinion.
sexual abuse accusations?!this woman is off her rocker and your man's cheese has slid off his cracker if he's being her handyman and marriage counselor.

superSM72's picture

I have to agree with most of the replies on this one. The ex has a lot of history for creating big drama. I have some experience with this. Its all about creating boundaries. The "power" is in figuring out, for yourself, what these are and sticking to them. Try talking to your husband about, specifically, what his boundaries will be. If he is not able and you are uncomfortable with it, these would be some huge red flags for me.

ontherail's picture

Thank you all for your responses. Since I have been with my fiance I have only met his ex once. I was just arriving at his home to assist him with some yard work, she showed up unannouced to see their son, it was his weekend and Easter Sunday ( she was on her way to an AA meeting.) I was dressed in typical clothes for outside work, nothing fancy. Her comment to my fiance I heard from him later was that I was nothing for her to worry about. Like I was below her.
And later learned that she spoke about me to her adult son from a previous marriage with his fiance and she called me and my kids white trash, never even meeting my kids and only meeting me for a matter of minutes. I am in the medical field, own my home, support my 2 kids, have all my teeth and hair and speak proper english. I have had no wish to meet her since.
This woman is so crazy I cannot begin to explain it all. My finace tries to deal with the new husband more when dealing with issues about their son because all she does is defend her self about her short comings about taking care of their son. Example, they have joint custody, one week on one week off. The little boys weekly homework is always left unfinished in his book bag when my fiance gets him. No reason for this to happen especially when she doesn't work and her husband works til late evening. I asked the son one time what he did at Mom's that day, he said she was in bed all day because she wasn't feeling well. I asked what he ate all day, he said cereal and cake and he spent the day in front of the TV playing video games. I was totally upset over this, but my fiance did not make an issue of this with her because he did not want to deal with her defensive behavior and her crying that he was accusing her of being a mad mother, WAKE UP, what else would you call that. His defense is always that the divorce was so bad and the judge was so unfair that he would not win full custody if he were to take her back to court. He said if there were a true safety issue with their son he would pursue issues. He picks his battles.
This past Christmas my fiance had planned a dinner with his two stepsons, 19 and 25, myself and the 8yr old ( my kids were with their dad for the holiday or they would have been there with me). He was so excited about having us all together. The ex called the 25yrs old son's wife and told her the the 8yr old had been sick and they should not bring their new baby to the house. He has asthma and had been coughing, nothing contagious. She was also supposed to drop the 8yr old off at 5pm for the dinner, 5:10, no 8yr old. my fiance called her, the new husband answered, said that she was in bed not feeling well, sleeping and he did not know that the boy was supposed to be dropped off. My fiance had to rush over there and get his son. The dinner ended up being successful and everyone invited attended. I told my fiance to tell his ex how great the evening was and how good it was to have all his son's together. Let her know she did not ruin anything at all. She is a manipulator. If she is not the center of attention she will make sure she becomes it. I have never had to deal with her concerning anything to do with the little boy yet and I am dreading the day I do. After reading your posts I believe it would be interesting to meet the ex and the new husband and get a real feel on how my fiance interacts with them while I am present.
Thanks again and any new comments are welcomed.

giveitago's picture

Yes indeed, we have a crazy BM too but she's out of the picture now. DH used to do similar stuff, fix things, help her move etc. I was always there with him and that seriously annoyed her. DH will reiterate to folks that we are a package deal...they see him they see me. We spend almost all of our time together and folks, even the SKids, say we are the cutest couple.

I understood doing things for her and the kids reaping the benefits but we eased out of that situation once the kids came to us, by doing maybe only one fourth of what she asked for and increasingly less and less. A sudden stop is not practical and it causes more problems than it fixes. I tried to get along with her initially! Now we just do not answer her calls, the kids are old enough to understand better now and they screen and ignore her calls too. I do not chastise them for it because they are almost of age and it's their relationship with her and none of my business. It's been one hell of a ride though, and all I can say is hang in there and be the wonderful person you are and let it develop...or not! Love for them all here kept me sane, I learned to disagree without fighting and that was KEY! Calmly state your opinion and leave it at that, he'll register what you say to him if you are calm...same with kids...the lower your tone the harder they listen...right? Stay calm and VENT here!! LOL That's what most of us do. Welcome to one of the most difficult situations in life and I hope you get through to them all gradually. I am pleased you have your own life and interests going on for you because that is very important for you.