You are here

I just cannot keep my mouth shut...

Goincrazy40's picture

I have been living with FDH for almost two years now. He has two kids, FSS12 and FSD10. The longer I live here, the more frustrated I get with the way I see him parent. The kids are here the full weekend, Thursday-Sunday night, every other, and Thursday to Saturday morning off weekends. My FDH travels for work and is out of town every Monday morning to Thursday night.

The situation between FDH and BM is typical of what I read on StepTalk. BM has custody and thinks she is the perfect mother. However, she tends to not feed them anything other than fast food, does not clean her house or do laundry, and has a tendency to "ignore" the kids (their words... I think she just does not dote on them every minute like FDH). She will not buy them nice clothes as she claims she is "bankrupt." Hardly, when she works FT and gets $1200/mo in child support and FDH has to pay 75% of all kids activities and child care. Both kids claim to like to be here at FDH more than with BM.

I personally think they like to be with FDH more because it is the magical world of Disney here. FDH supplies all the best food, snacks, and entertainment. Kids can have friends over to their heart's content (BM doesn't allow this because her house is too messy.) FDH buys them only brand name clothes. Video games, TVs in their rooms, Barbie dolls coming out their ears... you name it. If those kids want it they get it. FDH "just wants them to be happy here because they are so miserable over there." To me, it is just the typical guilt-ridden attempt to make sure the kids like him more than BM.

Kids are okay to me. I think I am just "around" as far as they are concerned. All they typically ask of me is "where is dad?" if he is not in the room. They go to him for all other needs, wants, questions, etc. Probably because they know I am not going to say yes to every single little thing.

Lately, his parenting is getting on my nerves. Those kids are spoiled rotten, and the older they get, the worse they are acting. They don't have any responsibility. They talk back and say no if they don't like or don't want to do something. FDH just lets it go. All FSS wants to do is play video games and all FSD does is whine and complain and yell. I do not like how they treat everyone around them with a complete lack of respect.

Here is where I need to learn to keep my mouth shut. I tend to speak up when I see this ridiculous stuff going on. Like when FDH cooks dinner and Skids just refuse to eat it. I tell them, you can sit there until it is gone, I am tired of putting good food and money down the drain. Both kids are up two minutes later putting their unfinished food down the disposal. FDH says/does nothing. And you know where they both are half an hour later (in spite of being sooo full)... in the snacks. I wont cook for them because everything I make is "gross and nasty." Sorry, I am not a wimp like your dad. You'll eat what is made or you wont eat.

I know I should "disengage" when it comes to the kids. If he wants to raise rotten kids, power to him. However, I have to be here and suffer the consequences of their behavior. In spite of my telling FDH time and time again that although I would never expect him to put me BEFORE his kids, I don't like feeling like I am at the bottom of the list. This goes over his head. He just says he likes it best when everyone is here in the house together.

He seems to think that in a year or two, we should get full custody of the kids. Well guess what? With you out of town all week every week, do you really think I am going to take care of those two brats for you? Life would NOT be Disney with me. I am not a short-order cook, maid, and all-things entertainer. Especially when their BM is a mile away. Her kids, SHE can care for them.

Sorry, I know this was a little ranty and rambling at times. How do those of you that have disengaged handle it? How do you manage to not say anything about what is so obviously wrong?

Oi Vey's picture

Have FDH pay for the groceries and then leave it alone. Simple. You said, "if he wants to raise rotten kids, power to him" and then say YOU suffer the consequences.
Really? So if they don't eat dinner and then eat crap, how are you suffering? If FSS wants to play video games and FDH is ok with it, LET IT GO.

I know that it's hard to let go of things and not "have your say" in all situations. It takes practice. But when you let it go, YOUR life improves. Trust me Wink

ladyfosho's picture

AGREE. Learn to let it go. And if you get frustrated, try removing yourself from the situation. When it happens to me, I go in another room or leave the house all together. After all, she is not here to see me anyway Smile

alwaysanxious's picture

Welcome to guilty/disney daddy world. I am living the dream too.

"I know I should "disengage" when it comes to the kids. If he wants to raise rotten kids, power to him. However, I have to be here and suffer the consequences of their behavior. In spite of my telling FDH time and time again that although I would never expect him to put me BEFORE his kids, I don't like feeling like I am at the bottom of the list. This goes over his head. He just says he likes it best when everyone is here in the house together."

Yeah its hard. You have to watch it. The more you physically disengage the easier the emotional disengaging gets.

I stopped cooking too. I stopped a lot of things. Dad can sit there at take the spoiled behavior, i don't have to. The hard part is watching your husband weakened and look like a wussy because of them.

As far as the moving in, you should be vocal now. If you don't want it, he needs to know now because he will start making suggestions to them and giving them ideas. No need to get all that started.

SD15 came to live with us, couldn't hack the school we put her in and she moved back with her mom, 2 months and $12,000 later.

SS11 is already asking about living with us for high school and saying "I won't be like SD15. I'll stay". I tell SO I don't even want to think about it and I'm not looking forward to it. Plus its 2 years from now, so hopefully he'll change his mind.

Blinocac's picture

I think you may have a problem there when you say you wouldn't expect him to put you before his kids. You actually should expect that.
The marriage is the center and foundation of the family, blended or biological. His relationship with you should come first. Doesn't mean he should drop everything with them anytime you say something, but he also needs to consider your feelings and input regarding the kids, especially what goes on in the house that you both share.
Anywho, just my $.02

marty15's picture

It's hard to watch your DH being a wuss, isn't it? Hard to watch him be manipulated. Just because he's being a wuss for/manipulated by his kids doesn't make it easier to witness.

I have a hard time disegnaging too. I really struggle with it. It makes me feel like a bystander in my own home and it makes me feel disengaged from DH as well.

I have the same type of DH by the way... only we have them 50% of the freaking time and he's not as crazy with the buying stuff as yours is. If I gave my blessings, though, they'd get a ton more "stuff", as they are constantly asking and they are spoiled rotten at mom's.

I totally related to the "and DH says/does nothing".

Isn't it great being the bad guy while DH is a saint???

helen17's picture

Also in same situation altho I have my own bio kids here too. All of them live with us inc SS. Partner told a friend that I don't understand that SS will always come first and he justwants him to be happy. That hurt alot. No one person should be more important than another in a family as I often point out, but am often told that I am just 'jealous'. Yes I am jealous of the spoilt brat that also treats my partner like a doormat and gets away with it. I am jealous of his designer clothes when we can only afford charity shop, cheap things, and I am jealous of the attention he constantly recieves despite ignoring his dad whenever he feels like it. I would love to 'disengage 'but have no idea how to as I've been a mum for 18 yrs and I instinctly want to care for kids....Feel for you.