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making comments about skids

serendipity's picture

fyi- i don't have kids, i'm 29 and really don't understand the sun shining out of your kids ass concept.

soooo monday night- BF's daughter, who is TEN, is in a singing competition exactly like american idol except for a little town. i didn't go to the show but he sends me a picture of her after wards with flowers. my jaw dropped. she was wearing a black mini skirt, black ripped stockings and a black belly shirt (this is not a skinny girl we are talking about either)- not only was the outfit WHOREndous, she looked like a baby prostitute. i texted back and said i'm so glad she did well and not trying to be mean but don't you think that outfit is a little inappropriate for a 10 year old? well he flew off the handle. we literally fought the entire next day. i didn't say anything mean at all, just that in my opinion the outfit was inappropriate for a 10 yr old.

i told him sorry i am not allowed to say anything that isn't absolutely glowing about your precious children- can i not say anything that isn't positive and wonderful about them? it is so frustrating. of course my mom tells me you can't say anything negative about any one's children- no matter what it is they will be offended. i can see a friend or someone i am not close with- but my boyfriend? i told him i would say the same exact thing to my sisters if my niece's wore that outfit at age 10.

should i just keep my mouth shut and stick to the rule "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all"? i'm having a difficult time finding my place, especially because i don't know what it is like to be a parent.

cat72196's picture

You can't expect your relationship to last (or go well, anyway :P) if you're not allowed to offer constructive criticism about his kid. After all, if you guys lived together, got married, had more kids, etc., you would theoretically have some responsibility for her, and you don't want her, say, dressing like that for school and it reflects on YOU. Eek! IDK WTH he expects-- if you didn't care about him/her, obviously you wouldn't say anything. So you need to ask him about that, and reiterate that you were trying to help out of concern for the CHILD.

hopefulSM's picture

Did BF not think it was inappropriate for a 10 year old to wear? Or did he maybe agree, but knew he couldn't say anything to SD or the BM about it becuase he would look like the unsupportive dad? How long have you been wtih BF? I don't think stating your opinion about anything should cause an arguement for days. It's one thing for him to disagree with you, but I don't think you have to apologies for your opinion. Maybe apologies if you hurt him, but not for having and voicing an opinion. It's not like you came out and said "wow, that outfit makes her look like a whore."

Maybe you can tell BF that you were only coming from a place of concern. That you see to many young girls these days growing up to fast and having negitive body images and feel that dressing a child in that way only contributes to it.

serendipity's picture

we have been together over a year. he thought the outfit was fine and that it was part of the "costume"- i didn't realize there were costume's in a singing competition, or that said costumes had to be slut-like, but whatever.

and that is exactly what i said- am i not allowed to voice my opinion? but apparently it was "mean and insensitive"- i did apologize for hurting his feelings but not for what i said. he wasn't too happy about that.

Kes's picture

Please, please do not adopt the policy "if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing". I did in my first marriage, and it ended with my husband behaving like a nasty, domineering, scary monster. I was frightened to criticise him, had no boundaries for myself, and deferred to him all the time. In the end I left him.
You were absolutely right to point out that it is not appropriate for a 10 year old to get dressed up like a prostitute, even for a singing competition.

Elizabeth's picture

You were not wrong. I think you handled it well. My DH also is super-sensitive about what SD18 wears. Once when she was about 11 we were going to dinner and she comes out of the house in a see-through shirt with a black bra under. I told her to change, she pitched a fit, DH was right there alongside her. I'm sure it was quite a three-ring circus for our neighbors to witness. DH totally downplayed the fact that what she was wearing was inappropriate and instead made it all about me daring to call her out on it and expect her to change. He was inside the house commiserating with her, she was crying, he was yelling at me... Good times!

And again this year, SD's senior high school pictures. One of the poses was of her straddling a chair, wearing jeans and no shoes. The way the picture is posed, she looks like she has NO shirt on. Just jeans. Totally a stripper-looking picture. DH commented that he didn't like ONE of the poses and I said, "You mean the one where she's not wearing a shirt?" Oops, wrong thing to say. He LIKED that one. Um, OK. You like people looking at your daughter like a stripper? OK, go for it then.

hbell0428's picture

LOL! Been there done that!! I have tried this way; I have tried to approach it caring; I have tried and tried and tried. Don't want to scare you but it gets worse! We just put SD14 (just turned) on Depo...after her third time we figured it was time.

Anyway...I have been her SM for 12 years and after everything I have done (I am not saying this is best for all).........

I have found the best thing to do for me is to IGNORE HER; ACT LIKE SHE'S NOT EVEN THERE! Sorry but my SD is a nightmare.

Don't say anything about their perfect little kids.

CrystalRE's picture

I don't agree with the theory that "you cant say anything about ones children". Most of us reasonable parents can handle criticism and realize their kids aren't perfect. My DH, however, cannot also. He is just like yours in that he flies off the handle about anything the slightest bit negative I say about his kids. Of course he has no problem at all commenting about mine!

Elizabeth's picture

Ack, I used to do that when I still cared enough to try. You know, say 10 good things for every one "bad" thing. Blah. DH never heard the good things but he sure could fly off the handle at the "bad" ones. I used to take care of SD while DH went to night school. I would always do things for and with her (take her shopping, movies, etc.). I would ALWAYS make a point to praise any positive behavior (encouraging it to continue) BOTH to SD and DH. When it was just me and SD, I would say, "You were really well-behaved at the movie. I appreciate that. Thank you." And then I would go home and tell DH, "SD behaved really well at the movie." It's like it went in one ear and out the other for BOTH of them. But when SD would act up and I would say something, boy the fur would fly.

Meanwhile, it's OK for me to say "bad" things about our two BDs and Dh commiserates with me. Hypocrite.

cat72196's picture

"What I hate is the fact that you're a lousy parent who has raised unlikeable children."-- I beyond-love this. I'm picturing myself saying this to my boyfriend, and it's giving me the worst giggle fit of my life.

stepfamilyfriend's picture

I think your criticism could have been constructive if offered before the event. Not going and saying what you said afterwards is just criticism. In this case the old " if you can't say something nice, say nothing" would apply. Constructive would be ti come up with some alternative outfit.

helena_brass's picture

You absolutely did the right thing. I don't understand how some parents--especially fathers--can be so head-in-the-mud about things like this. Why would you want your ten-year-old to look even remotely sexual? I suppose they don't and they don't see it that way, and are offended at even the mere suggestion that other people might see them that way. Ugh. Thankfully, BF would tie FSD up indoors before she was ever allowed out in anything that hookerish. He doesn't even want her to wear a bikini at the beach (she's 9).

hbell0428's picture

What pisses me off about this is why in the world do we have to walk on eggshells!!!!!!!! This is why I don't even talk to my SD! If my BD was dressed like that or did something wrong I would be the first to say something. I don't treat them diff - but people seperate them. What is good for mine should be good for yours and if you don't have any kids but think that's it's okay to say something then do it.
I don't bother with mine because DH acts and treats SD diff then the rest; so in a way he "makes" me just not want to be around her.

TheBrightSide's picture

Did you say "BF" and not "DH"? You have no kids of your own?

RUUUUUUUUNNNN!! Run far and fast!!

Read the post regarding the remote control thing!! Same advice.

the_stepmonster's picture

LOL I love that you are telling everyone this today. Preach it sister!