You are here

wont' shower - please help!!!

dakotamom's picture

i have a ss15 that i cannot stand. he does not like to shower, he doesn't like to brush his teeth, he perfers dirty clothes. i can't get disneyland dad to talk to him about this because he doesn't want to fight with toad while he's visiting for the weekend.
i have tried to do the go shower and then we'll go to _____.
i dispise this kid - i hate everything we do as a family that he has to come. he smells like cheap mexican food mixed with stinky sneakers. he normally has unbrushed curly hair that hasnt' been washed more than once a week. the last family outing we had a meal and toad shows up with his hair buzzed -i told him he looked nice, he replied that yea and now he doesnt' have to wash his hair. grosses me out. i dont know how to get past my utter dislike for this kid. there is no way in hell i woudl associate with someone that had a kid like him.
his room has the door closed at all times whether he's there or not. i will not look at that filth. call me a bitch if you will, but i have no more choices. i have asked DH to talk to him about getting him to work on his hygiene, i have mentioned to his grandparents who are very close to DH and they only informed me that this stinky kid has always been like this so thanks for telling me taht awesome info!!!
i'm ready to just cry. i have made posts in a blog before and no one helps so i dont know if i've made people mad by bashing on this kid or what.
is the no shower thing normal??
how do i get DH to see that it's negatively affecting his health and our relationship?!?!

Triggerfishgal's picture

Wait til he is outside and spray him with the hose. Not joking either. When he gets pissed, tell him he stinks and you've asked nicely, and now nice time is over. Of course, your DH will get mad, because it will embarrass his little darling, and him as well, because it is a direct assault on his parenting skills as well. I'd tell him flat out that you have been patient regarding this issue, have pleaded with him, the kid, and other family members, and since no one has taken any action, you had to take matters into your own hands, because that is what an adult who loves and cares about a child does. Then I'd tell the kid that every time he doesn't bathe, you're gonna spray him with the hose. 2nd spraying, I bet he'll start bathing.

Rags's picture

You can tell DH that the kid will not enter your home unless he is cleaned groomed and wearing clean clothes.

I like Trigger's suggestion above. Or just wait until he is asleep go in to his room with dish soap and a big bucket of water, squirt him liberally with the dish soap and then dump the bucket on him.

Rinse and repeat daily until he starts bathing and washing his clothes.

My mom was big on the cold water on a sleeping lazy teen thing. Not for hygiene specifically but I think it can be adapted well to deal with your stanky Skid problem.

Good luck.

caregiver1127's picture

Unfortunately for you - you did associate with someone who had a kid like that - your dh - tell DH that either he tells his son or you will and it won't be so nice - does DH not shower every day - If DH does nothing then tell SS he is going to shower each day he is there - don't negotiate with SS - tell him that as soon as he comes into your house he will shower - period - then tell DH either he backs you up or you will make life as hellish for him as your ss is making it for you - I hate bad smells - DH's 90 year old foster father moved in with us over a year ago and he had not taken a shower in 16 years - he smelled so bad and I have spent so much money trying to make the house smell better - finally I told Grandpa either he goes to Adult Daycare twice a week and gets a shower or he is going to a nursing home or I am divorcing DH - it smelled that bad. You have to put your foot down - I think the reason most people may not have commented it because it is a hard situation and we don't have an answer unless you are willing and able to just stand your ground no matter what - boys his age have so many hormones and their sweat glands really start working - I am getting sick to my stomach just thinking about the smells - lucky for me SS is a clean freak and showers everyday - I actually scream for him to stop wasting so much water.

Orange County Ca's picture

Let me explain something to you. But first I want to say that no one here thinks you are wrong in having the feelings you have for this kid. (Well I haven't read the others posts but no one should be taking you to task). You're feelings are your feelings and from what you've described you have valid reasons to feel that way.

Without Dad's backing you are powerless. No one here can overcome the lack of power that a non-supportive bio-parent creates when they won't help. I might add also that Dad is almost as powerless. For him to overcome 12 days of neglect on the part of the bio-mother in the two day weekend is impossible. Frankly I don't blame him for giving up. EXCEPT Dad is certainly capable of marching the kid directly into the bath room upon arrival and ordering a shower from head to toe. Dad can provide a complete change of clothes which the kid changes out of and leaves behind for the next visit on his way back to Mom's.

BUT Dad probably lives in fear of hearing the kid utter the most feared words a non-custodial bio-parent can hear "I don't want to visit here anymore". And its a very valid fear. One I think Dad should overcome and do right by the kid but it takes a lot of courage. From what you've said this is not going to happen.

SO what to do? Leave everytime the kid visits. Go to Mom's, Sis's, girlfriend, find a boyfriend, check into a spa - whatever it takes. By leaving you demonstrate to Dad that he needs to do something because you've had it and your disappearances might be come permanent.

instantfamily's picture

First of all OC, I love it that you post without reading the other posters' posts and it cracks me up.
Second of all AMEN! I totally agree that this is likely the reason DH isn't stepping up- he's scared to hear that his kid won't want to visit.
I don't think OP should have to leave her home, though. It's her house and her rules. I think you put stinky's clothes in a tied up plastic bag upon arrival and provide him with clothing after he's showered, then give him his same stinky clothing to wear back to BM's house at end of visit.
I am sooo not looking forward to puberty with my skids.

sixteensmom's picture

No meals till he showers. Lock his bedroom door and don't open it till he showers, call the health dept on Monday when he goes to bms house to report the stinky slime ball. By the time they check in he will stink again and so will bms house. Isn't he embarrassed at school? When my boys were that age they loved showers... Yeah I know...

I bet when he gets a gf he will shower.

StepMadre's picture

You can take his door off the hinges as a consequence for not bathing and keeping a clean room. "Privacy is a privilege" ~Jamie Lee Curtis, in Freaky Friday. Biggrin

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

If it makes a person a bitch to be repulsed by filth, then Hello Bitch. I'm Bitch. Nice to meet you Bitches!

That's not only disgusting, but it can't be healthy for the boy or anyone around him that he's THAT unhygenic. I get skipping a shower once in a while in a pinch, but not washing your hair for a week? My hair would rot out before that! Sooooo grooooss. I just got a little nauseous just reading the cheap mexican food sweaty sneaker part. Ewww, boy sneakers!

Marie Antionette's picture

What is it with young boys and hygene? I just dont get it. Someone go get one of the dads and have him regale us with tales from his youth. I ask men in person and they appear to have a complete memory fog of that special, stinky time in a boys life.

WE have threatened many a time to "clean" ss's room with a shovel and trash bag. And when I wasnt getting backing I threatened to do it myself, only in one instance did I do it myself, and it was really to FDH's secret relief that I did, but your own situation will be different. Orange is so right, and speaks to the problem pretty much all of us face and get the most frustrated by. You're not getting the right support, This is dad's job, and it sucks that you have to smell it. I support measures mentioned above, or at least holster some body spray on your quick draw hip at all times and nail that little bundle of joy when you have to. If he doesnt want to smell like cucumber melon or cotton candy, he needs to smell like soap and fabric softener. Its unhealthy and embarassing for all involved and someone has to know that. BEsides, hasnt he discovered girls yet?

billie40's picture

Reading your post inspired me to join here!!!

My partner's 25yr old son is about to live with us - Me, partner of 11yrs and my 2 girls. He REEKS, and tries to cover it with deodorant - which makes it worse. I have chemical sensitivity and any perfumes make me sick.

He doesn't shower unless he is at someone elses and they "insist", cause he wouldnt pay his bills and has no hot water, spending money on pot and video games instead.
His Dad will openly tell him he "stinks", and everyone noticeably cringes when he walks past, but he really doesn't give a damn.
We are both hoping he get's his s##t together quickly and doesnt stay to long.

steptwins's picture

One swin hates to shower too. Didn't shower or change clothes for 4 days when he had the broken arm. He
thought that was wonderful too. Every weekend, no shower. Just showers before school in the morning as
DH has that routine with them. Once DH left before bus, I was in charge. LOL.
Swin did not change clothes he had slept in & went to school. It was late due to a snowstorm,
he wore short & t-shirt w/o a jacket that day (said its really hot in school).
I was so pissed off that day. Never will I forget what a jerk he
was about it (changing clothes/shower).

steptwins's picture

I'm sorry I had no suggestion just griping... I believe a person needs to have
a sense of personal accountability (?) and wants to be clean -- no way to force
it or threaten for results. Its a psychological process that probably began
when child was 6 or 7 (age of reasoning). If they missed it as a child then
they could learn it as an adult but since its a ying/yang process they probably
won't. Example: kid is now 15 & pretty much thinks he knows it all and decides
what's a waste of time and what isn't vs. at 6 when you have a (better) influence
as thought process is being developed.