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Upset over what we found in ss12 phone

Tx mommy of 3's picture

So ss(almost 13) messed up his cell phone. Dh kept it and gave him an old one we had. Ao dh charged the messed up phone and was looking thru it. Apparently ss played with the video camera on the phone a lot and we found 2 disturbing videos. What would you do?

Video 1- Shows ss hitting ds3...repeatedly....on his head. Ss was saying, "This is my ugly brother." hen was just hitting him with his hand, not hard enough to make ds cry but hard enough to make him frustrated. The look on ds face went from playful to frustrated. Ds didn't do anything tonprovoke ss and neve een fought back. The video was a minute or so long, but it was heartbreaking. I knew they fought, but never knew it was like this. I was so mad and sad at the same time. Dh is upset too. Dh or myself were not in the room. More than likely dh was at work and I was in my room nursing the baby.

Video 2- Shows dh setting up his new tv stand. Ss is videoing everyone in the room. He shows ds and says, "This is my ugly brother." (Dh didn't hear any of this when it happened and ss voice on the video is low.) Then shows dh and says "this is my ugly dad." Then you see ss hand holding an empty water gun. He points it to dh's head and makes shooting sounds. In the video dh is so oblivious. He was shocked when he saw the video. We joked one day ss wasgoing to shoot us in bed. But really it disturbed us.

So what would you do? Dh won't see ss til next weekend. And luckily he is visiting ss in his town and the kids and I are not going. Should he say anything? Or just drop it but not leave ds unsupervised with ss? I'm pretty livid about it still. Advice?

caregiver1127's picture

This should not be dropped - he should not at 12 being hitting his half brother who is 3 on the head. My SS16 this past summer hurt my dd4 and made her cry - he tried to make it seem like he did nothing but I knew he did. I yes I went up to him and said if you ever touch your sister again and make her cry you will not be getting up from the floor when I am done with you. He knew I meant it and the look in my eyes may have been crazy but no one and I mean no one will ever touch my DD and get away with it. We are mama bears and we need to protect our young. You need to confront him and tell him if it happens again the police will be contacted and he will be charged with battery - the whole gun thing and calling dad ugly is also disturbing he needs help.

I would also be very upset that he felt the need to videotape it and I am sure watched it and showed it his friends but at least you have proof and he can't lie his way out of this one.

I am not sure of the relationship with BM or if she is psycho and living in a dream world about her son but she needs to know as well because if it happens again I would not let him in your house anymore until he gets help.

auroradusknd's picture

First thing is no more phone. Abuse it lose it. Take the video to a psychologist and get some direction on how you need to handle this. Don't let anyone tell you this is "normal kid stuff."

Rags's picture

This is the perfect example of the need to blister some bare ass. The kid hits little bro, the kid gets his ass blistered.

It was very clear growing up in our home as kids that if my bro and I ever fought we would both have to go to the back yard when dad got home and fight him. Not something you want to do with a former Vietnam era Marine I can assure you.

Since I was the elder by 6yrs, after fighting dad, I would have gotten my ass blistered.

My brother and I never fought..... ever. We valued each other too much and knew the consequences if either of us ever allowed our emotions to tip over in to physical confrontation.

This kid needs a trip to the wood shed to be bent over a saw horse and get a half dozen or so full force whacks on the bare ass with dad's belt and informed in no uncertain words that a repeat will see him in foster care.

A 12yo hitting a 3yo??? :jawdrop: That would happen in my home only once and that 12yo violent POS would rue the day he hit his 3yo bro for the rest of his childhood. After I got done with him he would wrap his little bro in pillows and duct tape and make sure that that his younger bro never so much as got a scrape or bruise on him, or a splinter in his little 3yo finger. The 3yo would have a boo boo free life because his older bro wold not allow anything untoward to happen to his little bro. The 12yo would get the message loud and clear.


Since the 12yo does not live in your home .... If I was your DH I would sit the 12yo little shit down, review the video and let him know in no uncertain terms that I loved him but that NO ONE WILL ABUSE MY CHILDREN ..... NOT EVEN ANOTHER OF MY CHILDREN. Keep the phone, preserve the video.

Hell, screw that ... call CPS and turn the video over to them and let them deal with the little shit.

In my sensitive, accountability focused, corporal punishment supporting, parental opinion of course.

Best regards,

Tx mommy of 3's picture

Thanks for the advice. Rags, I'm glad you posted too. I was wanting a male perspective. As a female I think the mama bear instincts take over & can sometimes cloud hints a bit. Wanted to make sure I wasn't wrong in thinking these videos were bad. As someone said, it is bothersome that he recorded it and probably showed his friends. We are keepin the video. As I've posted before ss and ds don't always get along. We think bm has told ss that 'he doesn't need to put up with it' regarding how ds treats ss. (those were ss exact words to ds once.) So we are saving the video in case bm says ds treats ss badly then we have proof of something different. Dh is upset about it but doesn't want to stir up anything. I won't see ss til next month (yea!) and I think I will scare him to death on that visit! For the most part I stay out of anything dealing with ss but this is different. I think I will warn him if he lays a hand on my kids ever again then he will regret it. And let ss know that we have proof of his abuse towards ds and telling him that by age 10 he can be held responsible for his actions aka jail/detention centers and all I would have to do is show authorities the video. But I will prob end up doing all the talking and am debating whether or not to show ss his own videos. I do have an aquaintence that is a counselor nd am also debating whether or not to show her the videos. I have a feeling dh will just want to dropthe whole thing, but I don't think we should. Idk how to change his mind he decides to let t blow over.

Bojangles's picture

I think if it was me I would tackle it in two ways.
1. Take the video and the hitting as a sign that SS has some worrying feelings about his half brother, probably connected with jealousy, and try to address this. I know it's dreadful to see your own children being mistreated in any way by their step siblings, but I think the only way to bring about a more positive relationship between ss12 and ds3 is to tackle the root cause. Discipline and punishment alone will just feed SS's resentment and mean that ds3 never gets the benefit of a loving friendly older brother. SS may stop hitting but it's possible to be mean in all sorts of other ways and it will create an ongoing stress for your family if you have to be constantly monitoring his behaviour towards your children, or resenting his lack of affection and time for them. So I think DH, or you and DH should sit down with him, tell him you are very concerned about some things you found on his phone and watch the videos you found with him. Watching them with you will be very uncomfortable for him and highlight how bad it was for him to do that. Then before discussing the hitting and punishment, ask him to talk about how he feels about his brother, and try to draw out an admission of jealousy/hostility. I would try to come at it sideways rather than just ask him outright why he did it, because it's fairly certain this will make him stare at the floor and say 'I don't know'. It's possible that this is a boy reaching adolescence, who needs the time and attention of his Dad, and is jealous that his half brother gets to live with his Dad all the time. If so you need a strategy to tackle the jealousy and improve SS's bond with father and brother. SS may complain about how he is treated but in reality teens want and need boundaries, they show you care. I wouldn't be so sure that he has shown it to his friends, his feelings about his brother may be too conflicted and difficult for him to want to make a joke of it with others.

2. After you've tried to find out what lies behind the video's you should calmly make it clear that you have a zero tolerance policy for violence and are very upset about the way he has treated his brother. If he doesn't want to be hit, he shouldn't hit others, so this time the consequence will be x, and if it ever happens again the consequence will be Y. Personally I am not a fan of meeting violence with violence, it's quite hard to explain to a child that it's wrong to hit, and illustrate that point by hitting. We withdraw the privileges which hurt - phones, internet access, games consoles, time with friends, and extend the length of the grounding if there is a repeat.

Anyway those are my thoughts, an interesting counterpoint to your other comments!

Tx mommy of 3's picture

See and the kids love him! They ask for him and love on him...until he hurts them/fights with them whatever. Then they forget how mean he is to them while he's gone and ask for him again. I do wonder how he treats his other half-sister at bm's home. He does say he gets in trouble when he fights with her but that's all we know. He also spends a lot of time with his stepdad and I don't see his sd putting up with ss fighting with his daughter like that. We have playedthe 'older brother/role model' card and he doesn't care. I don't think he is a 'monster' but it was disturbing watching those videos and knowing ss made them.