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My fiance's son

lightbearer0's picture

I feel so guilty but at the same time I cant seem to get to my fiance about the issue with her son. AT first her son liked me and was fine but now he is just so bad since his mommy and daddy are getting a divorce etc.He is 3 yrs old and turning 4 soon.

Everytime her son comes over he is BAD, he doesnt listen, he wont eat anything healthy, when i give himself he breaks it, he still talks like a two year old, he throws temper tantrums he gets into anything he can get into and he is always angry and he always wants mommy mommy always up her ass 24/7 and she seems to fall for it at times but she has grown tired of his behaviour too. when me and her wants to sit together and hold hands or cuddle (and we limit what we do in front of children by the way lol we know better) he ALWAYS has to break it up and gets jealous because he wants mommy all to himself.

Me and my fiance has argued so many times and fought when he is here about HIM, she says he comes first and that i am getting jealous of her son and that i have poor parenting skills. I never had a kid of my own, never had to raise a kid, raising someone else's kid is diffcult. No matter what I try to do to get him to calm down he never listens and when i have to babysit him he does listen but when mommy or daddy is around he is BAd. I have grown to the point where i cant stand her son coming over because of the way he acts. I care about the kid, I just dont understand it because she was in a abusive relationship with her ex husband they fought all the time in front of the child and he was around that a lot, he never use to want daddy or have anything to do with him it was always mommy , but now he does want his daddy and since his daddy hates me ....A LOT he has tried to cause chaos between us and now i feel like he trying to use their son to get me to leave my fiance that I am with now.

There are times where I have felt i wanted to leave her because of THEIR SON! I am tired of it.... but i know that would hurt my fiance if i left her ...but because she has a brain tumor there is not much she can do and has seizures *sigh* god ..its like one huge mess.

wishitwerentso's picture

Hi, I'm new to this but I'll try to keep it simple. I believe that it is totally ok that you have all these emotions. Seems that you are dealing with a lot on your plate. And it's probably hard to come to terms with and express to others how you feel since the source of your discomfort is only 4. But with that being said there may still be hope for him. Usually at that age kids repeat what they have seen or heard and are testing waters. Positive reinforcement may work if you can keep being nice to him, no matter what. He won't know what to do and maybe confused but then he might learn from example and pick up that behavior(just a thought).

This following is the advice I usually give to my pushover husband in regards to his pushy teenage children...put your foot down and shake the world. Meaning be firm and stick to your guns- you alone know what it takes to make YOU happy. I am sorry for your loved ones condition but you may work yourself into similar situation if you remain in a chaotic state. I know that I have worked myself into a physically sick condition due to misplaced feelings of guilt and fatigue in regards to his kids, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Be true to you and Blessings will fall on all of your love ones.
Things will ge better...sending happy thoughts your way!

boogeymom's picture

Wow that's a lot going on. It's hard enough when the parent ISN'T sick, but with seizures and a tumor that's a whole new Oprah. I'll tell ya, I've been working with 3 year olds for over a decade...they're ALL like that, it comes with the age. 3-5 year olds really do think the world revolves around them, and 3-5 years old is pretty much about boundary testing. It sounds like you've also got some anger issues and trauma (from witnessing the abuse) to go along with it, so it's likely more extreme. Most 3 year olds don't really listen. They mostly just want to see how much they can get away with before they come up against the boundaries, and then they try to push them. Interesting that he listens to you when you're alone with him, but not around mom and dad. He's probably testing how far he can push you in the relationship situation with mom. The good thing about 3 year olds is that if they're not in meltdown mode, they can be reasoned with, even if they're being difficult.

I don't know if this is helpful, but something I've always done when my preschoolers (almost all from divorced families and most with anger issues) is basically just ignore them when they're doing any of the behaviors you listed since they all sound like they're solely for mom's attention. This will almost always result in a tantrum (if they're not already having one, and if they escalate, it's just the last-ditch effort at getting attention before they peter out). I move the child to a safe place (no sharp objects, breakables, etc.) and just let the tantrum commence since there's no reasoning with a kid in that state. Usually this peaks with throwing things (books, toys, etc.), probably some swearing and name-calling. His bedroom might be a good choice, and you'll have the benefit of having the door to close, I usually just stand about 5 feet away with my back to them, not even lifting an eyebrow until I'm pretty sure it's over and they're ready to clean up the mess they've just made so that we can move on. If he won't eat healthy food, a 3 year old hunger strike lasts about 30-90 minutes since they're not Ghandi, and then they come slinking back to the table, pissed off, but ready to begrudgingly eat whatever you'll serve them since they know that their efforts to live off of junk food have been thwarted (I've had this problem with my own Skids). Getting in between you and mom? Well, 3 year old, you can either sit on the other side of mom, or you can sit somewhere else, your choice. No? Oh well, I guess I'll just have to help you move. Oh, you've moved back? Here, let me help you again. The important thing to remember is to stay as calm on the outside as you possibly can, because if 3 year old knows he's getting to you, it's a total power struggle and it only makes things worse. Shrugging non-chalantly and saying "Oh well" helps me personally, but different things work for different people. The behavior WILL get worse before it gets better, but if it's getting worse, you know what you're doing is working because the behavior has worked for him before and he thinks maybe he needs to up the ante for it to KEEP working for him. Sounds weird, but it's just one of those things. One day, the behavior will become epic and you'll wish you'd never met this kid and rue the day you were born, but the next day, it's likely you won't see that behavior very much anymore, if ever again. Dad's another issue altogether. Wink