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Wedding of SD

Anny's picture

Hi everyone. I am new to the site. This past weekend my SD got married. I have 1 sd, 2 ss, 1 bs, 1bd ( all over 20) and DH (we have been married 3 years). I met the ex-wife for the first time. She was cold and very aloof to me - I was courteous and when I wedding reception ended, I thanked her for the invitations, for being gracious and for including me (even if she wasn't all that gracious).

At the wedding, the groom's mother, brides mother and all aunts in the families all wore large corsages (however, mine was obviously the size of a gumdrop). I wasn't received too badly by family and friends, but my bd and bs were. Although my bs and bd tried to mingle, they were greeted cooly, or were not spoken to at all. They felt very uncomfortable. The seating plan even seated them at a table off to the side by themselves and not with my husband's neices (who they know) or their step-brothers, or for that matter with my husband and I. In fact, they sat with the DJ's date. They felt very hurt and left out and ended up leaving the reception early.

Now they have expressed that they will not attend any further functions with my husband's family. They have indicated that they have tried to fit in, but to no avail and will not put themselves in this type of situation again. I feel very hurt and caught in the middle. They do not enjoy being with their biological father's family either. To me they are severing a lot of family ties and I find this very upsetting. Any thoughts???

jojo71's picture

I think that's what's important. She and her new husband are really the only ones that you and your bio-children have ties to right? If the ones making you and them feel unwelcome was the BM and HER family...I say your bio-kids have the right idea...write them all off and be done with them. They (and you) owe nothing to those people. Keep a good relationship with your SD and her NEW family because that will be YOUR new family...but the rest I wouldn't give a flying flip about if I were you.

Anny's picture

Thank you for those words. You are absolutely right and I did not look at it that way. I have been focusing on the hurt and dealing with my kids complaining to me. I have been trying to figure out how/what to say to my kids. Although I do find that my husband's brother's and their families are a bit cold to us as well, but even my husband has difficulty with his own brothers - they are not naturally as warm as we are. Any thoughts on what I should do at Christmas when everyone is invited over to my DH's brother's home with his wife and kids? As I said my kids feel uncomfortable. Do you think they should continue to attend???

jojo71's picture

And I would tell them to do what they feel is right. You might set the tone saying, "I know how you both feel. I feel uncomfortable sometimes around them too. But I want to be the bigger person and be kind and welcoming to them, even if they aren't as kind and welcoming to me." However, I would be understanding if they choose not to. Be sure your DH understands why they feel this way and that they aren't avoiding HIM. Do you all have some other traditions at Christmas where you all spend time together? Christmas Eve maybe?

Anny's picture

Yes, we will try to celebrate on a separate occasion. My DH and I plan to go to his extended family, alone, and then we will have the step kids and my kids together for a different meal. I think that way might be easier. As for making excuses to the extended family as to the whereabouts of my kids, I suppose I will just say that with blended families, it is difficult to coordinate availability. What do you think?

jojo71's picture

No need creating drama with the truth. If it were people you were close family with, I would say be honest, but in this situation, I would just go with something polite like this and be done with it.

BorBor's picture

Everyone in this situation are adults. It is really up to your children how they feel and their decision on whom they want to be with. I would not push anything on them. It will only be fustrating and hurtful for you.

It sounds like your family is gracius and warm., enjoy your family.

Anny's picture

Thank you. Yes everyone is an adult and I should not push things. I am happy with my DH and I get along well with the step children. I can also hold my own with his extended family, but I have much more life experience than my kids. As my DH came into my kids lives late, it is hard to blend the families and maybe we shouldn't even try. Thanks, I do feel a bit better.