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instant-family's picture

Hello, I'm new to this site, but have found the forums to be very helpful. I'm looking for some insight on this whole blended family thing. I've only been married for three months and things with my DH's children get worse every weekend. He has a 10 year old daughter from his 1st marriage. And he has 2 boys (ages 3 & 5) from previous relationship. His daughter is great. We have her every other weekend and I get along really well with her and her BM. However the boys are completely different. They seem like they hate me. They have NO manners what-so-ever, they are extremely rude and not disciplined at all. We have them every weekend and my DH and I fight every weekend because of them. I don't know what to do. Their BM is a nutcase alcoholic and works on the weekends as an RN so she refuses to change her schedule to give us every other weekend off. We would even venture to have them during the week so we can at least have some free/privacy time every other weekend to do what most normal newlyweds do. Not sure what to do, but feel as though my marriage is not going to work out because of this. Any Advice?

melis070179's picture

So what is it ya'll are fighting about? Does your DH not discipline, or not back you up if you try to? Does he not parent them but does with his daughter?

"You never realize how short a month is until you pay child support"

instant-family's picture

We fight about everything! But aside from the things in our personal relationship, we fight about the kids. He doesn't discipline the way I would and it's hard to watch and deal with because they act like they have the run of the house.
The 3 year old is still in diapers and the 5 year old wasn't even potty trained till he was 4. They don't say please and thank you, when they need a drink, they come into the kitchen and say "I want juice". That drives me nuts. When I take them around my family, they have to be forced to say hello. And when someone says hello to them (even me) they don't even respond. They just stare blankly at the person. Same with when I ask them a question like "What do you want for lunch?", they just stare at me like I just spoke a different language. I don't get it.
And the weirdest thing is that they don't know how to entertain themselves. All they ever want to do is watch tv and if we tell them to go play, they just sit there. They have soooooo many toys!! We have a finished basement and the toys are kept in the basement, that is their play room, but they don't ever want to play with the toys. When it's nice out, they don't even want to go outside, they just want to lay around. It drives me nuts and I don't understand it. I grew up in a family where we were all very active and loved to be outside and never had any problems entertaining ourselves.
My DH is a very laid back type of person and nothing bothers him so he doens't ever really say anything when the kids are misbehaving or if they leave a mess. Now I'm the wicked SM because all I do is tell them to clean up their mess and stuff.

Zimka's picture

'HE doesn't discipline the way I would and it's hard to watch and deal with because they act like they have the run of the house.' I feel BF and you may need to have a discussion about parenting in the home and work on some clear boundries you both agree cause children love the game divide and conquer and will pick the weak link. Be prepared to compromise keeping in mind the goal you want is you and BF on the same parenting page.
As for the toys separate them in to boxes and then rotate them monthly, let them keep two favourite that are always in there room and only two so if in a month they want to change that favourite, one has to go away that they already have. It sound like the SS have too much choice ...limit it... ie do you want a banana or apple instead of do you want something to eat?
As for asking what they want for lunch don't ask just make they will soon let you know if the don't like it then let them know they had a choice and didn't choose, so you did. Good Luck and I hope this helps.

instant-family's picture

Oh-and the 5 year old will not eat anything except for chicken nuggets, cereal and P-Butter and Jelly, and of course junk food. If we put hot dogs, cheeseburger, chicken, ham, pork, meatballs, or anything in front of him, he screams and cries that he has to eat it. He says his BM feeds him chicken nuggets and yogurt all the time. No wonder is is skin and bones!

instant-family's picture

i am also trying to take the approach that he can do the parenting and disciplining so that the SS do not look at me like I'm a mean monster.

CrystalRE's picture

I had the same problem with my SD when my husband and I first got together. Some potty training, manners and nutrition issues. The good news is that it does get better. My husband and I now have been together for almost 4 years and the problems that we once experienced are not gone but certainly TONS better. The first step is to talk with your husband and tell him exactly what your issues are with the kids. You need to approach this in a manner that lets him know you deeply want his children to grow up to be effective and appropriate members of society. Once you get him on board, THE BOTH OF YOU need to develop a plan to address the behaviors and be consistant with it. You will not see the behaviors disapear by any means becuase of the negative interaction that they still have with BM but you will start to see them lessen. The kids will begin to learn what is expected of them in your home verses BM's home. It took me over a year to get my husband to agree to these changes so let me remind you that it is no quick process.

instant-family's picture

My husband does agree with me and feels the same way, but he tends to overlook a lot of things. And now that we have set the rules in our new home, the 5 and 3 year old clearly look at me like I'm the enemy. At least with biological children there is unconditional love. But with step-children, we are treated like the enemy without the unconditional love.
Thanks for your response, it was helpful to know I'm not the only one with this issue and you provided hope.

CrystalRE's picture

The SK's probably do think you are the enemy right now but trust me when I say that the older they get the less they feel that way. My SK's still sometimes think that I am pretty mean but look who they have to compare it to. You are doing whats best for them in the long run and some day they will be thankful that you cared so much.

Angel's picture

I may get stoned for this but I think you made a mistake. You married a man with 3 very young children. He should have known better----but he was lonely & wanted "help" with his kids.

He should NOT be dragging an innocent victim into his lair. He should devote all his time to those kids. You should not have to live his life----

RUN

instant-family's picture

It's hard to say that I made the wrong decision. I am so in love with my husband and I can't imagine my life without him. I don't think he just needed help with his kids, although it has crossed my mind, but he is just too good of a person and too good to me for me to actually believe that. I do appreciate your honesty.

Angel's picture

I may get stoned for this but I think you made a mistake. You married a man with 3 very young children. He should have known better----but he was lonely & wanted "help" with his kids.

He should NOT be dragging an innocent victim into his lair. He should devote all his time to those kids. You should not have to live his life----

RUN

CrystalRE's picture

...not to throw stones at you but I do disagree Smile Life goes one after divorce and it should go on for Dad too. If he has found a woman that he cherishes...and it sounds to me like you feel the same about him, I think there is a way to make it work. There is nothing wrong with your husband wanting, in addition to a soul mate, a positive female role model for his children outside of their mother. I can tell you that my husband would not have married me if I didnt care for his kids. That makes him a good parent in my book.