I can only give you input from my point of view, which is as step-mom to 14 year old girl and bio mom to 4 and 1 year old girls. Maybe it will help. I have been involved in SD's life since she was 5, and she hates me. As soon as she found out her father and I were getting married, she waged a campaign to drive me away. It hasn't succeeded, but she hasn't given up. She lives with us and sees her mom most weekends. I tried everything with SD, and it has just gotten worse. So, of course, when bio-daughters came along, my focus turned to them. No matter what, your partner is not your older child's bio father. And, consciously or unconsciously, probably both she and you treat him that way. My SD gets away with behavior that I would never tolerate from my bio-daughters. My husband seems powerless to stop it, so he has given up. She treats him very badly as well, but he handles her with kid gloves because she is always threatening to go live with her mom and not see him any more. In addition, perhaps your partner finds it easier to connect with his bio child because you do not question his parenting decisions regarding her? Those are my experiences. I can make nearly any decision for our two daughters and my husband does not question me. But if I even make a suggestion regarding the SD, he says I am mean and "picking on her." It has caused me to give up and distance myself from her. Just some food for thought. I realize your situation will not be exactly the same.

I had my son when I was 16... I later married and when I was pregnant with my daughter I was sooooo worried that my hubby (at the time) would treat our daughter better than my son.... I was worried that my son would be pushed into the backgroud by my hubby and his family once thier own blood was born. Anyone who has had a birth child knows the overwhelming love that you feel when that little baby is born and placed on your belly.... you know that rush of emotion that overcomes you and the unconditional love and tenderness that you feel for your baby. So I was worried that once my hubby felt that for our daughter, things would change toward my son.

Things did change after our daughter was born.... not necessarily in a bad way.... things just changed. This was actually part of the reason that I divorced my 1st husband.... he was VERY immature and I didn't respect him as a father figure to my son. Once that respect was lost everything went downhill....

Now that I am remarried, my son still goes to visit my ex-hubby and his family.... he still calls him "Daddy Corey"... My ex has now met an awesome gal (my daughter's stepmom) and she has two boys and they love to play with my son. We are now this big family with lots of kids and lots of love to go around, it is actually a lot of fun....

I think that is awesome. I wish it had been able to be that way for us, but... I think I understand how BM feels about her child (my SD), but I can't understand her approach to me. I went into this thinking it would be a partnership to raise this child. I and my parents were VERY involved with my nieces' lives when they were little, to the point that we saw them more than their parents. They regularly spent the night with me or their grandparents, and they often came to my house after school instead of going home. I just saw this as the "it takes a village" method of child-rearing. But BM was so territorial, I never stood a chance. She tried once to collaborate with me on parenting, by trying to convince me that it was OK for her to slap SD across the mouth. I disagreed, and she never liked me after that. If my husband were to remarry, I would want to know the woman who was raising my children. Because that is what happens. The SM is a very important force in a child's life, for good or bad. I would want to be able to work with her (as much as possible) to make things smooth for my children, instead of having an adversarial relationship. But that didn't happen in this case, so instead we have tension and controversy. Too bad.

I am a BM and a SM. My SS was in the picture first and then a few years later my Bio child came into the picture. Before my child I did many things for my SS take him places do activities with him every birthday and holiday was a big deal, yes he was some what spoiled but I had a wonderful child hood and I felt that SS needed a little extra attention considering his BM was not around for many years because of her drug, alcohol conditions and her mental state, but of course DH know how things would change because I told him from the beginning, that once our child comes into this world I will be all about my child, the reason being that this is my child and I am the only mother he has, SS has a BM and it is time that he understands that and holds her responsible now for being mother, now if she was totally absent from his life that would be a different story, but she is not she likes to take credit for everything, so why not let her be a parent then. My DH gets upset because I do not spend more time with SS or that SS often gets left out of activities but that is not my problem, SS visits BM on the weekends, and of course she would never give up her weekends to let him spend more time with us because she is a wicked witch, and often times that is when we do family events of course because we work during the week. Welcome to being in a broken family and a normal family.

I feel really bad for your daughter and being that your Dh has been in her life since she was very small this would be very hurtful for her I am sure. When my SS started coming here when DH moved into my house he used to ignore me and it was unacceptable, as it would be for me to ignore him. You wouldn't forget or refuse to say hello or goodbye to a stranger in your house for a visit, why would your DH think it is ok for him to do that to your daughter?

I don't know where his head is at on this one. My situation is a little different as I had a bio son and so did my Dh and then we had one together but now that the little one is here I wouldn't expect either child to be ignored or treated in a lesser value than the other kids.

You need to seriously address this with your Dh before it really does some damage to your daughter. He can play nice and respect her or I would take both kids away and show him how it is to be ignored!

Good luck and hugs to you and your little girl.

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

being hard and I have been through much worse with my DH and yes, walking away was in my thoughts but putting it into action is another story. But you need to jerk your DH into realising how much this is affecting you as well as your little girl. It is very hard for men to understand how we feel when our children are hurting. I don't say you should up and leave but I think a bit more hard core telling him how it's gonna be, is in order! You said it all when you said respect. My SS and I don't gel that great but you MUST respect each others place in the parents life and what he is doing to her is childish and hurtful and very damaging and disrespectful to his marriage to you.

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*