Wow—what a great site! It’s great to know that so many other people are going through the same things.
I’m SM to two wonderful kids-- I’ve been their mom 50% of the time since SS was 10 mos. and SD wasn’t even born (a dramatic surprise we’ve long since dealt with). BF and I took turns caring for SD pretty much every night when she was an infant while BM was “too tired” to deal with a crying baby. Anyway, because the kids were too little to even remember their bio-parents being together, we really had the chance to bond. We really do have a great family relationship overall, but I have these weird, nagging issues that make me feel crazy a lot.
First of all, I’m not a BM myself. I have this jealousy because I love my SK’s like they are my own, but it seems like everything in this society is teaching them that I can’t be their “real” mom. I know my BF tries, but he doesn’t understand. He is from a blended family, and his step’s weren’t “real” parents. No matter what he says I can tell that he doesn’t really think that in the eyes of the children I can ever be equal to BM, who, by the way is psycho (judging from these posts are they all?? LOL). I have this sudden, nagging desire to bear children, but I don’t have many years left and we’re in no financial state with the other 2 and the X. Then, I feel resentful that I didn’t get to share the experience with him of having our first child together. He’s been there, done that with someone I think is totally unworthy, and now there is nothing left for me. Silly, I know. But it makes me cling to SK’s even more; I really need to be their “real” mom. I know they have another mom, and I will always be careful to respect that relationship and be adult about it. Am I crazy that I want to earn the love that she gets automatically, without even trying?
I guess I’m really focused on this right now, after getting back from a weekend with his family. So many people said little things that made me feel like a big nobody… for example, his sister said, “you’re getting such great practice with XXX’s kids… you’ll be a great mom when you have some of your own!” She meant well, but I was devastated. I started crying in the car on the way home when I thought the kids were asleep. I was trying to explain to BF, who didn’t get it and therefore kept making it worse. Then SS said from the backseat, “Mommy? Mommy!” I turned to see if he was talking to me. He said, “You’re my OTHER mommy!” and asked me to hold his hand. I almost lost it. And in those 30 seconds a 3-year old gave me more than anyone ever has in my life.
Anyway, I’m sorry for the long, rambling post. I appreciate so many of the great things I’ve read in this forum. I’d love to hear anything encouraging about SM’s relationships with SK’s, and also any tips on establishing a loving, healthy family life without feeling resentful. Thanks!