Disconnected from his "other family"

I've posted before about my disengagement from my skids due to not having any say over how they are treated, how they act when they are with us and the defensiveness that SO gets whenever I bring it up.

Sometimes I just let it roll off my back and not bother me, but there are other times, like now that it really, really bugs me. I guess PMSing probably doesn't help! LOL

Knowing that my SO has this other family that I have no parts of makes me feel very disconnected at times. I even (partly) joke to him about his wife (ex-wife) because they way they make all decisions together, talk and such, sometimes I just feel like the mistress!
I'm not involved in any discussions with the kids, whenever he communicates with her, it's always kept hush hush and a lot of times he won't tell me, he makes decisions about his and our future over what the ex and the kids want, heck even when he talks to his parents on the phone, it's always all about the kids and him. I get along great with his parents, but no one even has the desire to ask about me! It's like he has this ready made family and other part of his life that I'm not privy to at all.

Does this type of thing bother others here as well or is it just me and my hormones running wild at the moment making me more emotional than usual?

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I feel this way sometimes too

I feel this way sometimes too (usually followed by my period the next day lol)

I think for me I just feel like DH gets two families but I only am allowed to have one. I'm not sure how to explain it. Like when people ask how many kids I have I should include step kids or when I plan outings or family things I should include skids. But DH is allowed to have one on one time with skids because he doesn't "see them everyday" but when I have one on one time with our kids or try to plan anything fun with our kids DH sees it as me excluding skids.

I really hate being a step mom. I used to tolerate it, count the days till they would be 18 etc. but now, I just hate it and feel like I am going to be one of these step moms in 10 years with 25 year old skids living in my basement, eating my food and lounging on my sofa claiming to be "applying to jobs" and I will be made out to be the bad guy if I gently suggest they grow up... disclaimer, I would leave before that would happen but these days it seems like that is what is in store for my future.

I understand your

I understand your frustration, but you can't have it both ways. If you are disengaged and your SO is completely aware of this, why would he discuss skids and skid plans etc with you? If you truly want to disengage, you have to let this kind of stuff go.

I used to get all perturbed about SD slob hole of a room, in my otherwise neat and tidy house, I used to get furious that DH would crab at me about buying BS7 a happy meal and then turn around and hand SD19 $150.00 to get her hair done. But I learned to chuck it in the duck-it bucket. Instead of getting annoyed about SD room? I'd just shut the door and ignore it. Instead of getting pissed off about DH handing SD money for nonsense constantly? I'd go buy a new purse, if he's going to blow money on SD, I might as well spend OUR money on ME!

As far future plans revolving around skids and BM, yes that would piss me off and there isn't much you can do about that.

I guess the thing with

I guess the thing with disengaging is that I don't think any of us (generalizing here) wanted to disengage, it was just that we were left with no other option.

I would much prefer to be involved, make decisions as a couple and feel a part of the family in order to have a proper respectful relationship with these cretins that invade my house half of the month, but as SO doesn't want to do anything that he doesn't want to do, I had to disengage. Doesn't mean though that it doesn't still bug me from time to time.

I often have to remind myself that being out of the information loop is part of disengagement.