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Ex's at Funerals

Ljcapp1's picture

My Aunt had been really sick with cancer for a long time. In her final days she was surprisingly still lucid. Her husband and she had been married for 21 years, he was her second marriage. My cousin (her daughter) for some unknown reason invited her father (my aunt's exH) to see my aunt in her home when she was really sick. My Aunt was motioning for him to go away - I'm sure she didn't want her H to be uncomfortable and My Aunt hated his fucking guts. Why my cousin would do that...I have no idea?

She passed away on Wednesday. She made it really clear how and what she wanted for her resting place.

She wanted no service and she wanted her ashes taken to the town where she and my mom grew up and scatted at their childhood place.

My cousin is changing all that. All her last wishes are basically being denied. She is having a service, she is taking half her ashes to a graveyard NONE of our family is in and she's only giving half the ashes to my uncle, and she is having a get-together at her house after so her bio dad can come to both the funeral and get-together.

I find this really disrespectful to my Aunt and her husband. She had been divorced from her kid's dad (my cousin's dad) for nearly 30 years. And she was clearly uncomfortable with him around while she was still alive, why would my cousin think it's ok to bring him to the funeral and such?

My uncle is being really cool about this and I commend him for it. Of course I'd never get involved; I'm just venting that maybe ex's should stay at home while the family gathers and they can say their good-bye's another time?


Ljcapp1's picture

She just basically took control. My cousin and Uncle are fighting over this, and now she's invited her dad to everything.
This is a primary reason why folks she have thier last wishes in their will.

Ljcapp1's picture

I wouldn't go to my ex's funeral unless my boys were still minors and needed my support. I just feel there is a time and a place for ex's, and a funeral is not one of them.
And I agree my cousin is being a jerk and I will not go to the get-together, and I hope my uncle doesn't either.

kathc's picture

sadly, children are usually given more rights than a spouse...and no matter what it says in the will, funerals/cremation/burial usually happens faster than you can bring someone to court to uphold final wishes that were in the will Sad

BethAnne's picture

Inviting the ex was a dumb idea. Cousin was either stupidly naive or vindictive or some such.

Personally I wouldn't grudge the living wanting to hold a service to remember her mother/wife and say goodbye. That is what it is for, it is for the living to process through their grief and it was shortsighted for your aunt not to want her loved ones to have that opportunity.

As for the ashes, it happens in many families that those left behind suddenly remember a long lost conversation or secret desire that the dead revealed to them. It can easily turn bitter and nasty at a time when everyone should be supportive and coming together.

Ljcapp1's picture

I didn't go to the reception after. My Aunt's exh did show up and his wife was going around introducing herself to my mother and her family. My mother hates the exH...
All in all it went smooth but it wasn't what she asked for. She didn't want a graveside service, visitation or any of that. She wanted her ashes taken to her favorite childhood spot. My mom offered to get everyone together for an afternoon to do just that, but I don't know what's going to happen now.
My cousin took half her ashes and buried them despite my aunt asking not to be put in the ground.
I promised my parents this weekend I would uphold their wishes - because this thing has us all bummed out.