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Divorce 2.0

princessmofo's picture

So as I contemplate whether or not to pack it in and be done with this crazy situation with dh, I can't help but wonder if I will be screwing up my bios...yet again. My kids were already abandoned by their biological father. A man who was incapable of loving anyone by himself and who now has the luxury of living off the taxpayer (like he always wanted) as he is "mentally unfit". He pays nothing in cs. Dh by all accounts is a douchebag. He spent the last two years keeping horseface happy and not me. And for what, dh? That cold-hearted cunt still hit you with custody modification and cs mod too recently. So sucking her ass did little to help you. But all that aside, he's a good "step-dad" to my kids. They call him dad. We do things with just them (when ss isnt' here) and we do things as a group too. He feeds them, helps with homework, baths, pick-ups, extracuricular activities, etc. He is affectionate and patient with them.

Maybe I am just too hard to please? Perhaps I should "rise above it" so to speak and just accept things as they are? I should simply come to terms with the fact that I will always be the low man on the totem pole and "suck it up". I cannot bear the idea of hurting my precious bios, who by all accounts, have been thru so very much emotionally. I don't want them to have abandonment issues when it comes to men. I suppose I am capable of cohabitating peacefully with dh. It won't be much of a marriage, but hey, it isn't much of one now. BM (evil stink wagon) will always be #1, SS and my bios #2, and me #3. That is the pecking order. My selfishness isn't worth hurting my kids. And the problems with dh's family just make things even more difficult but I guess I can "push thru" that too. I don't know. I'm at a crossroads so to speak. . .


princessmofo's picture

Yep, same here. DH basically raised my youngest since he was two. And my ss and my youngest are really great buddies. I would be f*cking up everyone I guess.

RedWingsFan's picture

I'm so sorry you're at this crossroads in your life. Just remember, this is YOUR life. You only get one and if you choose to take a backseat, you'll never be #1. Is THAT worth it?

Kids are resilient and if you did leave DH, they'd adjust. I'm happy to hear he's good with them. That makes a huge difference, I know.

I wish you the best and ask one thing: just think of yourself for once. What would make YOU happy?

RedWingsFan's picture

Hey Red - this is what I've done and continue to teach my daughter: make a pros/cons list. Factor in every minute detail that will affect the outcome.

Then, once you have your list, compare the two. Weigh every option and then discuss with a trusted (preferably unbiased) friend or even a stranger (like those of us on this board) that may be understanding of your situation and can provide proper insight.

That way, you're not just working with your heart, but your intellect as well and you can't look back and say "I made a mistake because I just went with my heart". Also, gut instinct plays a heavy part in my current decision making abilities now. I ignored it for far too long and all it got me was hurt and miserable. I no longer ignore that feeling.

Good luck. I'm sorry you're in a position like you are. Been there, done that and happy to say I'll NEVER allow that kind of place in my life ever again Smile

B22S22's picture

RedWings is correct, kids are resilient. To what extent is the question. Kids have different ways of reacting to and dealing with things like this. I'm not divorced but widowed from my first marriage - my kids were 5 and 3 at the time. Did they adjust? I'd like to say they have, they're now 15 and 13. There are still times they get sad but for the most part they're doing OK.

One of the most difficult things I had to ponder was going into another relationship. This time, it wouldn't be just me being happy or getting hurt; my kids would be involved also. And if things didn't work out, how would that pan out with them?

That's a dynamic we probably all need to consider when going into a second marriage with kids. Marriage is hard enough as it is, then pile on top of that blending personalities, households, rules, etc and it can be nightmarish. Especially since many of us who remarry have had that time alone and have established not only ourselves as a person, but us and our kids as a family unit (what I always referred to as the "New Normal" after their father passed).

But at the end of the day, you have to wonder... if YOU'RE not happy in your place, can you be a good parent to your children? That's the question I've asked myself on a number of occasions. When the answer becomes "NO" I'll know it's time to act.

B22S22's picture

I said they are resilient, but to what point. Some kids are moreso than others.

I'm sorry, "WE" don't say that when "WE" want to make selfish choices. I didn't have a choice in my situation. But my children had to be resilient nonetheless. Again, I'd have to ask myself if I could be the parent I want and need to be if I myself am in a horrible spot in my life with no hope of it turning around anytime soon.

I've already been there and done that once -- it wasn't easy being pregnant and being told my husband had a terminal disease. It was a very dark 4 years in my life and it took everything I had to keep it all together. Sometimes I failed at being a good mom because of everything going on around me and I NEVER want to feel like that again.

Sometimes, the 'selfish' comes in when we put our children in difficult situations because of our own apathy.

RedWingsFan's picture

Honestly though, how exactly can children be happy when they see their mother (or parents) so UNHAPPY?

My parents were clearly unhappy in their relationship. They'd been together since their early teens and my mom had me 9 days after she turned 16. My brother followed 4 yrs later. We were MISERABLE knowing our parents were clearly unhappy in their marriage and only sticking it out for our sake. They split right after my high school graduation and my brother and I couldn't wait for that day!

I'd have rather them stayed apart when mom left dad earlier in our lives. I was 9, my brother 5 and we were MUCH happier then. But they decided to give it another go and got back together within a few months. Again, set in the misery because after a while, they hadn't really fixed the main issues that were always present.

My daughter was unhappy seeing me so miserable during my 2nd marriage. She was beyond thrilled when I divorced my 2nd husband and is so happy now that I'm happy with my DH.

To me, staying JUST for the kids just doesn't work for most families anymore. Kids pick up on their parent's heartbreak and that affects them adversely.

princessmofo's picture

Thank you. I do love dh and we are affectionate a lot. I am just so overwhelmed by all of this. The only way I can describe it is like riding an insane horse towards a burning barn with no way of getting off. When you are married you are suppose to be one (i.e. his problems are my problems and vice versa). But the constant barage of BM is too much to take. It just makes me second guess everything.

princessmofo's picture

Yep. It's OVERWHELMING. And I am not a weakling. I can handle lots of bs but this is almost insurmountable.

whatwasithinkin's picture

this is everyones struggle I think because it has been my thought processes right along. the other thought it if I do leave him I am going to be alone because I am 43 and the likelyhood I would find a man my age with no children is slim to none. I am not doing this shit again after giving up half of everything I own. No way

Onefootout's picture

My mom stayed in a really bad marriage for the sake of her kids. Now that we are adults, she tells me what she didn't realize was the damage that was caused to her children by staying.

Growing up watching my mom get treated like crap has taken its toll. And it likley contributed to me and my younger sister's struggles with relationships with men. Out of three daughters only the youngest one has yet to get married. Me and my middle sister are late 30's and early 40's, have never been married and have never had kids. I've been with some pretty abusive men.

Fortunately me and my sisters are all successful career-wise.

Every situation is different. It's not easy to break up a family.

But I wanted to share with you a different perspective. I find a lot of merit in Wednesday martin's theory that a majority of the damage to kids occurred during the marriage, not during the divorce or after.

I have heard, however that there is a certain recommended age to wait for before divorcing.

I noticed a lot of women here seem to be shouldering the entire burden of the marriage problems, and I don't think they should have to.

Again, no right or wrong here, just a different point of view.

misSTEP's picture

I truly do not think that someone is "too hard to please" if they want their spouse to put them ABOVE their EX