I feel like a jerk- But she and her baby cannot live with us

Forums:

I hadn’t felt the need to be active in these forums for a while, but now it feels like I’m right back in the middle of the chaos.

For those who remember me, my stepdaughter (now 19- will be 20 next month) got pregnant at 17 and moved her boyfriend into the home she shared with her mother. Not long after, her mother moved out, leaving the two of them alone in the rented house.

Eventually, my husband was able to stop paying child support, as his daughter was no longer living with her mother, wasn’t enrolled in school full-time, and was cohabiting with her boyfriend.

Earlier this year, she and the boyfriend broke up, but they continued living together due to shared childcare and financial reasons. The landlord eventually learned that two adults, a baby, and an XL Bully dog were living in the home and informed her mother that the lease would not be renewed.

At this point, my stepdaughter had just finished hairdressing school, passed her licensing exam, and started working part-time. With no other options, my in-laws—who had the space—offered to take her and the baby in this past April. We live further away than she would like, so it wasn’t even discussed as a possibility for her to move in with us.

Unfortunately, my stepdaughter is difficult to live with. She tends to burn bridges—no close friends, no current boyfriend, and most of her family has grown tired of the drama. A couple of weeks ago, there was a blow-up: my father-in-law was in a bad mood, the 1.5-year-old was being loud, and my mother-in-law had a migraine. My FIL made a comment about quieting the baby, and my stepdaughter—who takes everything personally—got defensive, packed up, and left without explaining where she was going.

She disappeared for nearly two weeks without communicating with anyone. We later found out she had gone back to her ex’s and was sleeping on his couch.

When she finally returned, my FIL (who, like my stepdaughter, struggles with emotional regulation) was angry—understandably so. It’s basic respect to let people know when you’re not coming home. During the argument, my FIL made a racially charged comment about her “Black baby,” and that set off an all-out war.

My husband and I were away camping when she called him crying. He handled it well, and when we got home, he called his mom to get the full story. It became clear that my stepdaughter would no longer be able to stay there. Her mother refuses to take her in, so she’s currently still sleeping on her ex’s couch.

That’s when my husband brought up the idea of her staying with us—and I said absolutely not. We are not the home of last resort. After everything I’ve endured over the past 8+ years with his daughter and ex-wife, I deserve peace. I work from home and cannot have a toddler in the house all day. Our home is too small, and we don’t have the space for that kind of arrangement. These are the consequences of her own decisions. She’s applied for housing, but Section 8 could take years—if she even qualifies.

Then my husband suggested maybe we buy a second camper—the one we’ve been eyeing for a future seasonal site—and park it in our driveway so she and the baby can live in it. I gave it serious thought but ultimately said no. We can’t afford another camper right now. Plus, we’d need to insulate it, connect plumbing to the septic system, and make all kinds of costly modifications. And let’s be honest—I know they’d end up inside my house more than in the camper anyway. I told him I can maintain a relationship with my stepdaughter, but if she were to live with us, it would destroy everything. I would probably end up moving out.

I thought we had agreed, but then I liked a camper listing on Facebook Marketplace, and he made a snide comment: “I thought you didn’t want to go that route—you said it would make you move out?” I replied, “Not for her. For us.”

I know my husband wants to help his daughter, and years ago, we were open to the idea of her living with us. But that time has passed. I can’t continue being made to feel guilty or have him overlook the fact that I’ve spent years putting his daughter—and her difficult mother—before myself. At this point in my life, I need peace.

I know if she moves in, there will be drama, and she’ll likely expect us—or more realistically, me—to help care for the baby. I’m a stepmom with no children of my own by choice. I’ve never wanted kids, and I don’t enjoy having small children in my space. When I met my husband, my stepdaughter was already a tween and primarily lived with her mother after the first couple of years. If he had younger children at the time, I wouldn’t have pursued a relationship with him. I’m not going to raise his grandchild.

I’m trying to communicate this clearly to my husband, but I don’t think it’s landing. And honestly, with where I’m at in perimenopause, I’m barely keeping it together as it is—I can hardly handle him sometimes without wanting to roll my eyes. The thought of more people in our home? I simply cannot do it.

I think this would be a hill

I think this would be a hill to die on for me. Just in case he doesn't understand the word "NO!", "If she ever lives either in our home or in our driveway/garden, I will move out, file for divorce, and force the sale of the house." His call...

She has made her bed, now she gets to lie in it.

This is an adult problem and the adults need to find solution.

And those adults are SD and the father of the child. THEY are the ones to figure this out. Between the two of them, they have the responsibility for that child and their own living arrangements.

It is no longer her father, mother, grandparents or anyone else's responsibility to take care of them. Your SD has a profession which, when done full-time, can be significant. Her ex-BF should also get a full-time job to also pay child support, if he isn't already.

IMO, if her relationship with him is good enough to stay on his couch, then they should look at sharing a place together (platonically) in order to provide THEIR CHILD a place to live.

If that's not an option, then your SD and her child still need to find their own place (tough in today's housing market) and she needs to go to social services and get assistance. That may mean sharing a place. Or it may mean that she rents a trailer at a mobile home park, which usually has affordable monthly fees and often includes utilities.

I agree with Winterglow that this is absolutely a hill to die on. DO NOT let that ADULT move in with her child as you will never get her out. You WILL find yourself & DH raising that child, as SD enjoys her life as a "single" 20-something with no responsibility.

Keep in mind that your DH will have an instinctive need to want to help her and the child out. That's understandable. But he needs to know that his first responsibility is to your relationship and your home. If he does not want to recognize that, then you may find yourself giving him an ultimatum - and be prepared for whatever outcome that is.

FWIW, if I were in a similar situation I would end my relationship before I'd let SD move into our home with her kid(s).

This is why I feel it is so important for people with stepkids (even adult skids) to ALWAYS have their own financial resources set aside to make an exit if they need to.

I agree with the fact that

I agree with the fact that she and her baby daddy should figure this out, he is 24 years old, she will be 20 next month. He has a decent job, their schedules are opposite, and they hand off with the baby. He is a good dad. They get along enough; I think it's hard for her because she wants to be with him, and he no longer wants a romantic relationship with her.

I am the breadwinner in the house, I outearn my husband, and also cover a greater part of the bills. So, the costs for her to live with us would end up coming from me. I spent years making up for the fact that he was paying $1,000 a month in CS and finally I felt like I could breathe. If I need to leave, I will go, and he knows that I am no longer putting my need for a quiet life on hold.

I feel your frustration since

I feel your frustration since I myself have had the same experience with my SD.

My SD..now 30..got knocked up deliberately at 16 with an on and off again baby daddy relationship. It didn't take her very long to bounce around from one place to another whenever she was on the outs with her boyfriend..her mother. Etc which was constant. Naturally. Our apartment at that time turned into one of her last resorts as she showed up unannounced with her then one year old expecting the full stay at home mom lifestyle with no job.no education.. No car or even a DL back then so needed a built in chauffeur and babysitters. Predictably.she got offended when she learned that there was no agreement that this arrangement was NOT to go on indefinitely..especially with her making no effort to turn her.situaton around . Princess went on the defense like yours too because she clearly wasn't expecting any sort of time limit and kicked herself out as quickly as she arrived.

Never again as I firmly told DH..there will be no next. time..hill to die on. I'd say to yours too..the same idea I suggested to mine. Either he lives with me or SD..not both..previous attempts to all live together ended up in disaster too..because SD also being insufferable to live with apparently. He can subsidize a separate apartment on his own dime or her and her minions and live there with them there if it's that's so important. Not in my home...never again.

SD or whomever else can pitch a fit all they want until they understand that her lack of planning and her incompetence in making wise decisions as a grown ass adult doesn't constitute an emergency on someone else's part.. I don't care if she ever learns...which at 30 she still can't grasp to this day. Just still an opportunist making excuses. Which isn't my problem and you shouldn't be put in that same position.

I agree it is a hill to die

I agree it is a hill to die on. The best help that your DH could possibly do is sit down with his daughter and try to formulate a plan for her.

First, while section 8 housing is "nice" that they might qualify.. obviously it doesn't solve the short term need.

Second, they need to understand what her actual financial situation is. How much is she making part time.. who is providing child care.. is there any "free" childcare she might qualify for so that she could work full time vs just part time? What other aid is she eligable for.. I'm assuming health care(medicaid).. and some food assistance.. and maybe some WIC benefits as well. There are also food pantries and if she secures housing.. there are also often energy assistance programs to help those in need pay for their heating and cooling costs.

Third, what is your husband's financial position.. I understand he wants to help.. do you think if he were to help her with X amount a month.. that might be enough for her to rent a small place.. with just her and a baby.. (dog gets rehomed.. sorry.. I know people will scream.. 'get an animal for life' but this girl has zero business with a dog.. she can't take care of herself.. perhaps her ex will take it?) just her and a baby can make it easily in a one bedroom.. or even efficiency if it came to that. Do you think if he were to help towards 500/month (plus or minus depends on rents and his ability) in rent for example.. she could swing the rest? is that affordable for him.. for your household? is it sufficient to keep her and her child housed and out of your space? (that's the tradeoff.. he is helping.. but it isn't in your backyard)

I know it's not his job.. and not YOUR responsibility to fix this for her.. she is an adult. .but reality is that she is likely in a tough spot. If she is able to transition to full time work.. perhaps she can afford more.. but at least if he were willing and able to help her a bit financially... it would make him feel like he is being supportive without you having to put up with chaos in your home.

I know the ideal would be she can figure it out without anyone.. but it doesn't sound like her position is very good.. and I understand it's her own doing to a great extent.. but as a parent.. your kids are always your kids... and he will have a hard time seeing her unhoused.

It feels like we’ve been

It feels like we’ve been having these conversations for a couple of years now. She has applied for assistance in the past, and while we can help a little, it's important to note that he just finished paying $1,000 a month in child support six months ago. We’re trying to focus on paying down debt and saving some money.

He keeps trying to get her to come over and talk, but she’s always too busy. Last week, he invited her over on our day off, but she chose to go to the beach instead. My feeling is—if she’s not spending every minute trying to figure things out, why should we be?

You are correct.. if she won

You are correct.. if she won't make time to come over to see dad to talk about a plan that might involve him helping.. then he needs to understand that this issue is not urgent or an emergency for her.

It may not be emotionally healthy for her to flop at the ExBF's home.. but right now.. that's what she wants to do really.. she hopes her presence will likely get him back.. may or may not happen.. but she doesn't seem motivated to make a change..

So, as difficult as it might be for him as a parent watch her make less than stellar decisions.. he may have to step back and allow her to find her her own way.

Getting assistance is likely going to be difficult living with her BF.. as they will assume his income right now.. maybe showing her what she might be eligible for might spur some action.. but I doubt it until he cuts the cord with her. (her bf)

Your situation is very, very

Your situation is very, very eerily similar to the situation with my SO's daughter.

My take - idk where you live, but in my state a part-time unmarried hairdresser with a toddler (unless she's doing hair for the stars and charging $1000 a cut) qualifies for LOTS of state benefits. The main one being childcare assistance. Free daycare 40 hours per week. All the mom has to do is work or go to school over 20 hours per week.

There is also free health insurance for the baby with zero out of pocket, SNAP for food, section 8, free cell phone and internet, and possibly more i'm forgetting. IF I were married to and living with my SO and this happened, I would tell him that if he wants to help her, he could help subsidize her rent for a specified time. And the funds would come out of his extensive hobby/luxury budget. Idk how extensive YOUR DH's hobby/luxury budget is, but I'm guessing he can tighten up somewhere. If your state is anything like mine, which is a "red" state and probably cheap compared to others, there are benefits that your SD could be taking advantage of. Between that and whatever help your DH wants to give, she could live on her own and not in your house. It would also be a hill to die on for me, as my SO's daughter is very similar to your SD. Currently her BM "has" her and the baby as well.

Affordable housing is a

Affordable housing is a challenge. She lives in Massachusetts, and we’re just over the line in Connecticut. In our area, a one-bedroom apartment typically costs $1,200 or more. Her baby’s father is currently paying about $1,600 for a small one-bedroom.

She explored housing & assistance options while living with him, but they didn’t qualify for assistance because his income was too high. Massachusetts does offer good support programs, but there’s usually a long wait for subsidized housing.

She’s actively looking for full-time work and has recently picked up more hours at the hair school where she’s been working. We’ve looked into some less expensive apartments, and if necessary, we could contribute up to $500 a month for a limited time. I would much rather do that than have her live in our home.

If the baby's father makes

If the baby's father makes decent money, is he paying child support?

ETA if the state says she

ETA if the state says she doesn't qualify for assistance based on HIS income, they are doing so because he should be paying child support. Also, if SD applied for these benefits when they were living together but they stop living together, that also changes things as far as state benefits. I'm guessing there is no CO in place or CS order. That's on SD to file for.

I’ve asked her whether she

I’ve asked her whether she plans to get a custody order or pursue child support, but she seems very reluctant to take that step. She keeps saying they’re just continuing with what they’ve been doing — essentially sharing 50/50 childcare because of their work schedules, and he covers some of the expenses for the baby. She’s not thinking about the bigger picture — like how, eventually, their 1.5-year-old will need a stable schedule and consistent financial support, especially once school starts. She still believes they’ll get back together someday, and no matter what we say, she refuses to let go of that idea. Talking to her is like talking to a wall sometimes, as she refuses to listen, does as she pleases, and then ends up in these situations.

If she is unwilling to help

If she is unwilling to help herself, she may need to hit rock bottom in order to finally take those steps. That is so hard for your husband as her parent. He doesn't want her to become homeless, but becoming homeless and risking losing custody of her child might be the only thing that stops her from the cycle of chaos and using others. I'm sorry. I'm going through similar. My SO's daughter is very similar and is planning a "visit." Though how can you call it a visit when she has no home to visit from? If she pulls what your SD is pulling, i'm not going to try to influence my SO. Maybe if he takes her in he will "get it out of his system" while we don't live together. Or maybe not and we will never move forward. But I, like you, know i can't do what your SD is asking you to do. Fun times, yeah.

I wish you the best of luck.

I wish you the best of luck. Ever since this conversation came up, the pit in my stomach that I thought was gone about my SD is back. All of the icky feelings and how much I didn't like my life, dealing with it all.

Good luck to you, too! Stay

Good luck to you, too! Stay strong!

Has she considered what will

Has she considered what will happen when the child's father meets the love of his life?

"The Love of His Life" will

"The Love of His Life" will probably find this site and start posting.

DANGER! IMO, don't go down this road...

You just extricated yourselves from paying $1k per month in child support, don't backslide by giving SD - an ADULT - $500 per month!

This is a very slippery slope. It gives SD the green light to think she can tap into your finances any time she needs to.

First it's $500 for a set time. Then, she will need an extension. Then, she will stop explaining where the money is going. Then, she needs additional money for diapers, baby food, or anything else the baby needs. "You don't want baby to sit in soaked diapers, do you, grandpa?"

All the while, she is lolling around her ex BF's apartment hoping he will take her back. Sorry, nope. She needs to go after him for child support and learn to stand on her own two feet.

If you want to help her, DO NOT give her money. Buy diapers, baby food or other items that will directly support the infant but nothing else.

I typically go in the

I typically go in the direction of things for the baby, I buy him a lot of clothes and diapers. But my husband tends to open his wallet more than not when she brings up money issues.

"I am the breadwinner in the

"I am the breadwinner in the house, I outearn my husband, and also cover a greater part of the bills. So, the costs for her to live with us would end up coming from me."

Not to be blunt but IMO, I'd be having a conversation with my DH about contributing equally to our own household before opening his wallet "more than not" whenever his adult daughter puts her hand out.

You are essentially supporting her albeit indirectly. I'd stop that.

Agreed.

She got herself into this mess; she needs to dig herself out of the mess.

Please don't do it!

It isn't worth losing your sanity. It won't make you a bad person to say no, because the result of allowing her in is likely to be a disaster for you and your relationship. As others have alluded, she is now a responsible adult and as others on this forum will testify, taking her responsibility off her, will only delay this process for her. By all means, give her a lift financially, with a cut off date. Sometimes people have to be smacked in the face with their own reality. Good luck lovely

Please don't do it!

A similar situation is what

A similar situation is what brought me to Steptalk many years ago, except my SD wanted to move herself, her husband, and their 2 kids in with us! Before I could stop myself and even pretend to think about it, I told my husband, "Absolutely not!"

I did feel a pang of guilt, even though their situation was one of their own doing, and that's when I found Steptalk and was reassured that I did the right thing. I have never regretted it and my husband knew it was the right thing, also, even though a part of him wanted to "rescue" her. I can't even imagine the fallout that would have happened with them living with us.

I was okay with the idea of her living with us when she was younger but as an adult with a family of her own? Just, no. BM had raised her to be co-dependent and though DH tried to teach her different, well, we know how that goes.

You are not a jerk. We have every right to have peace in our home, especially after years of conflict.

Your SD will figure it out, like a big girl. And, if she doesn't care to get her priorities straight and figure it out, that's on her.

We also almost had a somewhat

We also almost had a somewhat similar situation for me.. my OSD who I am cordial with.. but not best buddies..haha.. was leaving her DH and needed a house.. at one point, we were going to allow her to build on a piece of land we own.. but in the end.. I had to veto that idea.. and she decided to stay with her now soon to be ex.. (she decided to leave a 2nd time.. )..

she has two kids.. who I'm sure my DH would have been ok with but the land is a place that I look to go to for my own peace and relaxation..a nd while I'm ok with the kids visiting occasioinally if they lived there.. I would never have a moment's peace there.

And.. they are the kind to always be into things.. not asking before touching.. so I would have reached my limit fast..

fortunately.. the 2nd time she left him she found a home for them..

No!

You are not a jerk! Stand your ground.

I say this because sometimes 'tough love' is needed. I think of how my kids were raised, as opposed to my husband's kids. Mine were taught to do for themselves, as opposed to his having things done for them. Mine are about 10 years younger, self-sufficient, and prospering. His have not hit developmental milestones, like communication skills and independently 'adulting'; they require 'propping up' emotionally and financially. The 35 year old has never been able to live on her own for any length of time; she does not like to work and is reckless with the money she does earn. She has been bailed out time and time again. Yet, she still does not learn. He has cut the cord, but other family members have not. Even my DH comments on the difference in our kids. Sometimes we are actually harming our kids when we rob them of the opportunity to learn and grow.

Just NO..NO..NO..NO

As you know and can see it just doesn't work for you. You will be fighting with her from day one.

No, do not let the

No, do not let them move in.

His daughter is an ADULT, he no longer is responsible for child support for her or to support her from now on. She made THAT choice when she moved out and got pregnant with baby daddy.

Obviously her bio-mom is DONE which is why she moved out.

Suggest to your H that there are social services and gov. housing assistance that are available to her and offer to help her apply for them.

Just remember though, once she gets in, she won't leave and, since she is there, will be a bigger battle with your husband.

" I spent years making up for

" I spent years making up for the fact that he was paying $1,000 a month in CS and finally I felt like I could breathe"

----------------------------------------------------

This right here happens to many step moms.

I will never forget a story one sm told me years ago. She said no way, absolutely no way was she going to continue to work her A** off -again to supplement her husbands child support, attorneys fees etc, She stopped working, became a stay at home mom. Funny thing is she never consulted her husband===she just did it. (GOOD FOR HER)

In a blink of an eye, the onus was put back on her husband to climb his employment ladder (and he did) to pay for the child support, attornies fees that SHE was working her A** to pay by proxy.

They are still married.

Tell dh, nope. His adult daughter and 'their' child are not moving into your home or on your property. Bio dad should be paying child support that covers a percentage of housing for their child. DH can drive her down to social services if she needs assistance.

One more thing...make sure dh does not co-sign a rental agreement. JS

" I spent years making up for

" I spent years making up for the fact that he was paying $1,000 a month in CS and finally I felt like I could breathe"

----------------------------------------------------

This right here happens to many step moms.

In a blink of an eye, the onus was put back on her husband to climb his employment ladder (and he did) to pay for the child support, attornies fees that SHE was working her A** to pay by proxy.

They are still married.

One more thing...make sure dh does not co-sign a rental agreement. JS

" I spent years making up for

" I spent years making up for the fact that he was paying $1,000 a month in CS and finally I felt like I could breathe"

----------------------------------------------------

This right here happens to many step moms.

In a blink of an eye, the onus was put back on her husband to climb his employment ladder (and he did) to pay for the child support, attornies fees that SHE was working her A** to pay by proxy.

They are still married.

One more thing...make sure dh does not co-sign a rental agreement. JS

" I spent years making up for

" I spent years making up for the fact that he was paying $1,000 a month in CS and finally I felt like I could breathe"

----------------------------------------------------

This right here happens to many step moms.

In a blink of an eye, the onus was put back on her husband to climb his employment ladder (and he did) to pay for the child support, attornies fees that SHE was working her A** to pay by proxy.

They are still married.

One more thing...make sure dh does not co-sign a rental agreement. JS

" I spent years making up for

" I spent years making up for the fact that he was paying $1,000 a month in CS and finally I felt like I could breathe"

----------------------------------------------------

This right here happens to many step moms.

In a blink of an eye, the onus was put back on her husband to climb his employment ladder (and he did) to pay for the child support, attornies fees that SHE was working her A** to pay by proxy.

They are still married.

One more thing...make sure dh does not co-sign a rental agreement. JS

" I spent years making up for

" I spent years making up for the fact that he was paying $1,000 a month in CS and finally I felt like I could breathe"

----------------------------------------------------

This right here happens to many step moms.

In a blink of an eye, the onus was put back on her husband to climb his employment ladder (and he did) to pay for the child support, attornies fees that SHE was working her A** to pay by proxy.

They are still married.

One more thing...make sure dh does not co-sign a rental agreement. JS

Know im just repeating what

Know im just repeating what has already been said, but I get reminded of a saying that somtimes, the best way to really help a person is to simply STOP helping. I know that sounds crazy, especially if you are like me who usually has so much empathy and wants to fix things for others. But choosing to step back doesnt neccesarrily make you an ahole. Its called giving them some of the tough love they need in order for them to grow from life. . Its one thing to assist someone with getting back on their feet as long as they follow through for their part. Thats cool. BUT..getting looped into carrying these SDs through life a a whole other thing. and I know my step is LOOKING to be carried. Absolutley. These skids in our situations arent all that committed to trying to acquire the skills and motivation to solve things on their own. They just expect that everyone just gives it all to them..like oh.. here you go, SD. If you keep rescuing them , then they will never learn to save themselves. Thats the problem with them just acting like they have to be solely dependent on us and its not like I never noticed how they just dont take any damn action to improve their own situations. Thats when It was time that I had that conversation with SD ( if you want to call it that..since she certainly didnt handle that one like this oh so mature adult she makes herself out to be, its just a farce). Sure enough. not much has changed, since having it, so thats when you got to pull the plug. Im telling you right now from experience, it WILL get to a point where these User types become so entitled that they will take it so personally and claim you are disrepecting them when they learn that cant have all your time, energy and resources. So, learn to say NO in this instance, it might feel uncomfortable at first, but its necessary.

I dont know why I ever expected any better from SD than to follow her BM's lead who is also known to be on the diffcult side as she is a poster child for instability. Like SD, BM has also been known to live kind of like a gyspy, bouncing around from one place or relative or whomever would take pity of her more than a stray alley cat. Of course, like with SD, BM would for some reason or another have a falling out when she stayed out her welcome or burned a bridge with whomever she had sought out to rescue her...so the cycle begins again and again. Because BM also never really had to learn how to turn her own life around so long as she could rely on someone , anyone else to feel sorry for her enough to do it all far. Apple didnt fall too far from that tree of codependency...

Why would you feel like a jerk over your SD's breeding habits?

Not your spawn, not your problem. She has made herself homeless with her behaviors. Your FIL did the right thing by booting her ass out.

Time to be more direct with DH that nothing you do is about his idiot DD and GSPawn. They will not reside in your home or any of your property. Highlight for him that she has aged out from under the CO and CS and not one Cent of marital income will go in her direction. She wants to make adult decisions, she can support herself and her child. At this point, every Cent either of you earns is marital income.

Period, Dot.

You are here

I feel like a jerk- But she and her baby cannot live with us