I do think that mental load is heavier in blended families due to the significantly heavier and more complex dynamics with having to consider and address far more than just the married couple and their shared children that is the core of a non blended family. In a blended family the consideration load/mental load is instantly far heavier and larger.In the blended world there is a massive range of possible complexity impacting mental load. One's self, the marriage, the partner, my kid(s), your kid(s), our kid(s), your X(s), my X(s), the CO, visitation schedules, financial complexities, differences in how our kids are parented Vs the parenting of my kids and your kids, my ILs, your ILs, my XILs, your XILs, any partners that the Xs have added, half sibs and Ssibs being added by the Xs, etc, etc, etc.....
I do think that the nature of womaning and mothering makes the default mental load on the SM far harder than on their prior breeder mate or if the one bringing failed family spawn to the mix, than for the StepFather partner. Women are far more deeply immersed in the nuances of the people, the connections, etc.. The nature of the female thought processes and male thought processes are well know. Women tend to be fully interconnected thinkers. Everything touches everything else and is interconnected. Men are sequential categoric thinkers where each area has its own structure and is independent of everything else. The most interesting and humorous description I have seen is spaghetti brain Vs waffle brain. A bowl of spaghetti is an intermixed conglomeration of noodles, sauce, seasoning, and other ingredients. A waffle is a grid of separate spaces where syrup, butter, etc... has to be meticulously applied to each space in order to create that thought. In general, men do not consider the comprehensive situation like women tend to do.
Not a criticism, by any means and I do not mean to be offensive. Just an observation on the differences in general on how men and women see and assess situations, relationships, etc...
My posts and comments on STalk are an example of the man perspective. I repeat myself over and over again with only small adjustments in comment based on either something I had not considered before or specifics that a thread includes.
The lady STalkers tend to be far more empathetic, comprehensive, and broadly more considerate of what ifs and possible why's in their comments.
For me, mental load is relatively low because each consideration has its waffle grid location. I cannot comment on mental load and the highly interconnected nature of how women function. From watching the incredible women in my life and having benefited from the brilliant ladies here on STalk for more than 17yrs, I am a fan and I am very aware that I have zero clue on how mental load manifests in women Vs men. I just know it is very different.
Even the whole variances in parenting, dealing with the opposition, etc... if relatively simple for me. I have the standards of behavior and standards of performance waffle squares. I apply them as needed. I do not consider the interconnected complexities. Is the behavior and performance compliant with the standard. Yes or no. If yes, move on. If no, apply consequences then move on. If there is a mitigating circumstance, I consider it. That consideration is binary. Is it legitimate or is it not legitimate. If it is legitimate, recognize it, discuss it, apply no consequence, move on. If it is not legitimate, apply appropriate consequence. This is the foundation of my focus on the what rather than the why in reference to the behaviors that arise in the blend.
In my waffle man brain opinion of course.
As with anything, change happens, things evolve.
In our marriage (I'm a non breeder married to a former single teen mom with a toxic SpermClan in opposition), over the nearly 31 years of our marriage the dynamics have shifted. The last 4+ years, though we have been empty nesters for 14 years, have had major shifts. My career slowed way down starting with COVID while my bride's career has boomed. So, I took over the grocery shopping, meal planning, cooking, most of the housework, etc. She works and manages our household finances. She always has managed our household finances. Hey, when you sleep with a CPA every night, why not let the bean counter count the beans and manage the bills. We collaborate well across most areas. Including managing our investments, parenting an adult man, engaging with each other's family, etc...
The house husband thing is not stressful or difficult. In hind sight, I wish I had been more reasonable about it earlier in our marriage.
We did land on the work time/our time model fairly early. Work time starts when the first person leaves the house for work and ends when the last person arrives home from work at the end of the day. At that point, it becomes our time to deal with the house, meals, the kid, the yard, etc...
When DW was a SAHM early in our marriage, she dealt with the kid, the house, shopping, etc... during work time. Once I got home, it was a team effort. Though admittedly I was not infrequently confused by how much had to be done after work time.
My SIL was one who would hand the kids off to my brother when he got home from work and demand that he deal with them, figure out dinner, etc.... Needless to say, I was not much of a fan of my SIL. She has not been a partner to him. He has commented periodically over the years that he has 4 kids and not just 3 and that he wishes he had a partner to make a life with like I have.
My SIL is a facade builder. Walk in their home and it is model home pristine. Just don't open a cabinet or closet. If you do, you are in danger of being buried in the crap that falls out. Our home, while not pristine, is orderly and kept but definitely lived in. My SIL once told my wife that she did not like visiting our home because it was not clean. My wife replied that at least in our home the kids did not have to wear hard hats and steel toed safety shoes to open a cabinet or closet to prevent a head injury or crushed toes. That went over like a fart in church with my SIL.
DW was a SAHM for the first 3yrs or our marriage. Kindergarten was mandatory full time in our State. When SS started kindergarten DW had plans to do home projects, hang with the ladies in the neighborhood, having wine and charcuterie days, then all meeting the kids at the bus stop. She lasted less than a week and was so bored she went to work. It was seamless for SS. His mom walked him to the bus stop in the AM and was at the bus stop when he got home. My DW is not a world class home maker. Neither is my SIL, but the facade she fabricates certainly gives that appearance.
I know, I am interested in a why. By no means my usual. It is likely that I may have mellowed a bit with age and experience.
I had to run this through ChatGPT...wasn't sure what it was.
----------------
Examples of Mental Load:
Keeping track of appointments, birthdays, and due dates
Planning meals and grocery shopping
Noticing when the laundry is piling up
Making sure the kids have clean uniforms and signed permission slips
Anticipating others’ needs (“We’ll need snacks for the church potluck on Sunday”)
It’s not the physical act of doing the task—it’s the mental energy of carrying it in your head all the time.
Who Carries It?
Mental load is often carried more heavily by women in relationships or families, even when both partners work outside the home. The imbalance can cause stress, resentment, or burnout.
Why It Matters:
It’s exhausting, even if it’s not visible.
------------------
Lord, that sure describes me. I take care of everything in this home and life of ours (me and DH). I also have to manage other aspects of my life...adult kids, family, friends, art circles, etc.
As for steplife? In the past, definitely mental load...trying to keep the peace, get along, etc. It almost destroyed me....thankfully, I woke up and got myself together. Today...I do not let StepHell impact me. DH handles his kids and their issues. I do not concern myself with them...whether they like me, hate me, visit or call DH...nothing. That's DHs "mental load" to handle. But it was a heavy load in my past....one I'm glad I got rid of.
Chat GPT has it about right. To me, mental load is about planning so that the responsibilities of daily life don't come as a surprise emergency every damn time. My SO and his BM were not carrying the mental load well. Every day required multiple back-and-forth communication about where the skids were supposed to be, how they would be fed, what needed to be brought to school, where the booksacks were. Nobody was planning ahead for anything. Daily life was one big urgent crisis. My SO's brother is the same way. Every school holiday he would start calling all the relatives in a panic trying to find someone to watch his kid, as he and his wife had no plan and didn't think about it until it was happening. I see lack of mental load carrying af my job. Kids with chronic conditions who have to go to the ER for, say, an asthma attack because nobody knows where the inhaler is or they never bothered to pick one up. Or the ER for a toothache because nobody was keeping up with oral hygiene or dental visits (even when dental care is free and free transportation is provided.) Mental load requires "executive functioning", which some people have very little capacity for.
The higher quality more cerebrally engaged will likely have a higher level of mental load. I think that if we disected all of those in the collective blended family opposition as a group in comparison to the collective population of people on the quality side of the blended family line that mental load is likely far higher on the quality side than on the lower quality toxic opposition side. Those likely are far more enveloped with their next narc fix and living their lives as victims while the quality side is looking comprehensively at the actions of what needs to be done.
Not that different is necessarily toxic. Equity life partners are invariably very different from each other in many ways. Neither is necessarily wrong or more or less than the other. They meld and they build and progress together.
CajunMom, I like to use Christmas shopping as an example. It's not just about the shopping, it includes:
1. Who is on the gift list? (Family, neighbors, colleagues, etc.)
2. What is the budget?
3. How will the budgeted funds be dispersed?
4. What kind of gift? (An item you purchase and wrap, cash, acts of service, baked goods, etc.) (What would each person like to recieve? Personalize it!)
5. A plan for shopping. (Physically go to stores, online, visit your bank, etc.)
6. Actually shopping. (The amount of stores adds up!)
7. Wrapping those gifts! (There is a lot to purchase! Wrapping paper, boxes, tissue paper, bows, ribbon, tape, tags, etc.)
8. Keep track of those receipts! (Exchanges, etc.)
9. Dispersing those gifts. (Will you see them in person? Meet for lunch and exchange gifts or does it involve hosting 'family Christmas'? (Which involves menu planning, shopping, cooking, decorating the house, cleaning the house pre and post gathering, etc.) Will you need to travel to 'family Christmas'? Mail? (What times are the P.O./UPS/Fed Ex. open? How long will the package take to get to it's destination? Do I need to insure the package? Etc.)
I probably forgot a lot, the point is the list goes on and on! It is never 'just a gift'!
This is important, who takes care of this? Is it a joint effort or does it fall mostly on 1 person?
Trudie, I couldn't agree with you more! I'm flashing back to the last Christmas I tried to make it perfect for everybody. I was working full time at a company with heavy yearend workload and attending night school 3 nights a week.
After putting up the tree and shopping for gifts for 5 kids, their spouses and 2 (then) gkids, my mother and sister, I decided the 2 granddaughters should each get a chest with a bride dress, veil, shoes and bouquet. I don't really like sewing but there I was sewing. I sent out cards. I drove to a rental place and got a Santa suit then argued with somebody to be Santa. I hosted the gks for a cookie-making day. I prepared a big meal. When it was over, I was so tired I felt like crying
DH did nothing but I blame myself for having a fantasy about Christmas that didn't match my time and energy levels. He didn't care about any of it and I doubt anybody else did except the granddaughters who wore the bridal gowns til they wore out
Nowadays, I give $ and somebody else does Christmas. Nobody seems to notice or care that I don't kill myself doing it all anymore.
We have our very own 'Martha' here on StepTalk...I am complementing you, I mean that in the very best of ways! Oh, I bet they noticed and I bet those granddaughters never forgot what you did for them! That has to be a treasured memory. What you did was truly beautiful and from the heart. And it's okay that you give money and somone else does Christmas. (Also, I bet the one's doing Christmas now say, "Wow, JRI did all this and then some...amazing!")
I have always aspired to be 'Martha' and I always fall short. I used to think, "Next year I will get it right!" I've actually never got it right! Haha! However, this past Christmas, I did get it right. Or a new 'right' for me. We had a quiet breakfast with my son and his S.O., then we sat, relaxed, and talked. It was lovely. Then my DH and I stayed home and spent time together. That was also lovely. Cooking good food for just the two of us to enjoy; no rush, no hassle, no step nonsense. I think we have a new tradition.
For me Christmas shopping is pretty simple. What do I want to get someone? That is it for me. It is not a planed or focus thing. At any give time if I see something that piques my interest as a gift for a person, I buy it. I then put it in a place where I will not forget about it, and I wrap it and give it at the appropriate time.
Basically, I focus on my bride, my kid, and my parents. If we are not gathering, my brother and I do not give gifts to each other or each to the other's family members. My bride, is hip deep in the planning and list process. Her family are a list family. Each person gives a list and everyone buys off of the list. Of course there is no coordination so invariably someone will get multiples of the same thing. Over the years that we have been married DW has somewhat shifted in my direction on the topic. She has shifted to the list and only the lists for her family. Very early in our marriage she shopped for a high end gourmet coffee maker, had custom cups made for her mom and sister, and put together a collection of gourmet coffees. My MIL stared at it blankly and said "Why would you give me this> You know I drink Folgers instant."
In the multiple decades since then, my MIL has become a bit of a coffee snob though she never used the machine and coffes that DW had put so much thought and effort into. She did use the custom mug. Now, DW does not go off of a list for her mom. She gets her mom what she wants her mom to have. Regardless of what MIL may want.
My model is so much easier, with far less mental load, and it is very personal rather than effort based.
When we are gathering with my family, it is different. DW and I collaborate on each individual often getting a small selection of gifts for them. Often I find something that grabs me for them, DW has a different perspective so she gets them something, then we get an us gift. If I have done my usual zero consideration on $$$ approach and go over the top on spend, it is an us gift.
On the more comprehensive elements of the above list of actions. I tend to do the PO/UPS/FedEx part. Though she does the wrapping, boxing and addressing prepwork before I go on the periodic runs to shipping drop locations.
On receipts, for ILs, each gift has a gift receipt wrapped with it. If they don't like it, they can deal with it. What I select specifically for what I want an individual to have, no receipt. I don't give a thought to returns, etc... If they don't want it, that is on them. Not my concern.
Emma, yes!! I was trying to recall that article and when I searched for it, realized it's the same article /book you're referencing. I read it a while ago and it struck a chord with me...
I am the "household planner". I've come to accept that my husband, while helpful, doesn't really get hints very well or subtleties when being asked for help. When it comes to wanting help I have realized I need to ask, very bluntly for what I need help with and be helps, no problem whatsoever. I was more frustrated when I just assumed he'd do the type of things I wanted without asking but it just wasn't realistic.
I know that is the whole point, you shouldn't have to ask for help!! . On mother's day I have had to say, I don't want to make dinner, OR have to tell the kids or spouse to clean up, not have to do reminders, I am doing NOTHING. Because having to ask the kids and spouse all the time is so draining... That's the whole point. It takes up just as much energy to orchestrate it all!
Say it. That makes things so much easier than hints whether subtle or not so subtle, innuendos, implied needs, etc...
Men are waffle brained sequential thinkers. Generally speaking. When we are asked what we are thinking about and respond with "nothing" we really are thinking about nothing. I liken it to the optic gray that we all see when we close our eyes. It isn't really a solid gray, it is a swirling sparkling background cloud of nothingness in the form of colors, moving patterns, random tiny flashes, etc..
That, is what we are thinking about when we are thinking about nothing. It really is nothing. Just random firing synapses that kind of swirl around and bounce off of each other with no rhyme or reason.
it is a wonderful place. Let me tell you. Ask, and we engage the appropriate waffle square and off we go. Once we address the request, we step out of that square and back into optic gray thinking about nothing. If you want what you are requesting done at a specific time and in a specific way, say that too.
A recent somewhat related note, DW asked me to book a room for the end of the month for her biannual family camping trip at a CCC built lake resort near Crater Lake NP. So I booked a cabin. Now, comes the "What amenities does the cabin have? Does it have a lake view? Do I need to bring a coffee maker? How many bedrooms are in the cabin? etc..." I have no clue. She said book a room, I booked a cabin because it gave us more flexibility to accommodate any number of contingencies regarding the other 9 people going on the trip. Mainly I chose a cabin because it has a full kitchen and my IL clan is big on not eating out on the biannual camping extravaganza.
She is crushing my optic gray thinking of nothing bliss with the interconnected questions and thoughts that never even entered my mind.
Now, back to my optic gray thinking of nothing mental swirl of nothingness.
I completely agree that mental load is nearly entirely borne by women.
The ebb and flow detail is not generally how the man brain works.
I have developed some level of awareness on doing the dishes, my laundry, changing and washing the sheets, grocery shopping, etc, etc, etc..
Mainly because in our various dynamic and transition phases, DW was otherwise engaged and it had to be done. I have learned to stay on some things and just do them. That makes for a very happy bride.
Though when our kid was diaper aged, I changed them as often as DW did during the our time hours of the day when she was a SAHM. I often did the grocery shopping on my way home from work though from a list that she usually comiled. Interestingly when she had expressed frustration about why I "just don't do it or help?" When I attempt to take things off of her plate those things are not what she wants me to take and are areas where she can relax and not get stressed when she is doing them. Probably the best example is paying the bills. We have a great credit score because she is a savant at household financial management. I have attempted over the years to get involved, nope. Butt out!
So tell or ask is where we tend to synch. She asks or tells, I clean the sink.
I think the mental load, for life in general, is staggering. I think in steplife it could get out of control, even in the best of situations. My work life and home life (DH, my grown children) is enough to handle, life has gotten easier once I decided to step back not just from steplife but my from my husband's entire family. Sometimes personalities, ways of dealing with daily life or conflict, etc. will never be in alignment. There was freedom...and relief...when I just stepped back.
Thanks, CajunMom, for looking this up. I hadn't heard of it, but I sure do relate. I used to brag that my husband cleaned the house regularly. . . yes, I bragged about what really should be the norm -- shared responsibilities. But he used to tell me the $ value of his housework (lolololol), which (don't tell anyone) seriously lacks. He does grocery shop. I don't let him cook (for me). You don't wanna know. It often crosses my poor little mind that I feel like I have to remember everything and take care of pretty much everything. We have had arguments about it. It doesn't help that he has serious ADHD. Note: We have had dogs forever. DH was freaked out when he recently for the first time went to pick up the heartworm prevention (the cost). I smiled and said, "Yea, that's what I've been paying the last 20-plus years." He quickly got very quiet. He does schedule his own doctor appointments. The funny part is the skids get checks for gifts rather than gifts with any thought put into them since I stopped shopping for them years ago. Easy for me to say since I don't have kids, but I think parents need to work with their sons a little more.
Shared responsibilities...do you think that is the norm? It is the norm for us and I am thankful. He does most of the outside work and I do most of the inside work. We share cooking and clean up. I do all of the laundry. Not because I want to, but because he uses waaay too much detergent! No matter how many times I asked him to use less! Haha! We are both neat/clean freaks, so we are a good match.
I do carry the mental load around gift giving; I think I am going to work on that!
Mental load.. I mean.. life involves having one right.. from the beginning of time.
Don't you think that early man had a mental load?. will he survive the night.. will they find enough berries to survive.. and the would they find drinkable water.. would they be safe from wild animals...etc.. etc...
In modern life, we might not have such basic worries/mental load.. but we have other things we need to be mindful of and aware of to move our lives forward. When we are young and single..in good health.. our mental load may be lower, limited to stress around taking a test.. or meeting someone on a Saturday night... perhaps whether we would have enough rent money by the first.
You get married, start "owning" more things.. homes.. cars.. have a partner.. have kids.. have jobs with increased responsibility.. your mental load goes up... more stuff.. more people.. more load.
You have extra complications... a serious illness.. a financial disaster.. steplife.. unrelated people added to your mix.. those can all increase load.
And.. some mental load is easier to manage.. not every thing on your list is same importance..but women often are saddled with the mental minutae... what to serve for meals daily.. (including packing meals for the family for lunch etc..) what to buy at the grocery store so you can meet that meal need... making sure that everyone has clean clothes... making sure that you keep up with some schedule for cleaning the home that requires daily work. then add on your other stuff.. going to the gym.. getting people to practice/school.. other errands.. and yeah.. we feel we just don't have any down time.
Now.. guys.. may have more challenging jobs outside the home..and we can't discount that.. and that they are more often participating in the above stuff.. but I see more guys tend to work in those physically demanding jobs.. where they may not have as much mental.. but physical stressors.. or they work demanding office jobs with high pressure.. often higher earners.. no way they can risk losing or family is in financial distress.. THAT is a big mental load imho... and sure guys will also have mental load from demands of their families.. and friends.. and household in general as well...
But again.. while one person may have a lot of minutae mental load stuff.. another might have fewer but more weighty stuff.. they can balance out....or be fluid from one time to the next.
in a good relationship.. partners will help their partner carry the joint load.
The gender role thing makes sense if the guy is carrying all or most of the financial weight of the household. If a woman stays home or works part-time or has a flexible/easy job while the man has a physically or mentally hard job which pays most of the bills, it makes sense for her to shoulder most of the load of running the household and caring for the kids, because that's her actual job. But that's not always true. If the burden of financial support is more balanced, the mental load needs to be too. Men today do (generally) shoulder more of the mental/household/childcare burden than, say, their fathers did. So they feel overburdened or at the very least feel like they are going above and beyond. Women today mostly work fulltime and often feel that they are doing what their mom did plus also bringing home (half or more of) the bacon, and they may feel resentful also. I think division of labor is something couples need to talk about before marriage and kids so that expectations can be set and at least a basic plan can be made. If they agree on what things should look like for them, they may not feel the resentment that a lot of people today seem to feel. IMO.
Also, as far as "minutiae" things, as a single mom, i just had to let a lot of that go. Things like Christmas cards, birthdays outside my immediate family, etc. I just didn't do it. There wasn't time.
I agree.. sometimes we set impossible standards for ourselves.. we put ourselves in boxes.. Some stuff.. well.. it's nice.. but if it doesn't get done.. not the end of the world.
Kids would rather grow up in a home a bit messy vs living with parents that are highly stressed about every dust mote for example
Mental load is unique in each family dynamic. Blended or not.
It is most definately real.
I do think that mental load is heavier in blended families due to the significantly heavier and more complex dynamics with having to consider and address far more than just the married couple and their shared children that is the core of a non blended family. In a blended family the consideration load/mental load is instantly far heavier and larger.In the blended world there is a massive range of possible complexity impacting mental load. One's self, the marriage, the partner, my kid(s), your kid(s), our kid(s), your X(s), my X(s), the CO, visitation schedules, financial complexities, differences in how our kids are parented Vs the parenting of my kids and your kids, my ILs, your ILs, my XILs, your XILs, any partners that the Xs have added, half sibs and Ssibs being added by the Xs, etc, etc, etc.....
I do think that the nature of womaning and mothering makes the default mental load on the SM far harder than on their prior breeder mate or if the one bringing failed family spawn to the mix, than for the StepFather partner. Women are far more deeply immersed in the nuances of the people, the connections, etc.. The nature of the female thought processes and male thought processes are well know. Women tend to be fully interconnected thinkers. Everything touches everything else and is interconnected. Men are sequential categoric thinkers where each area has its own structure and is independent of everything else. The most interesting and humorous description I have seen is spaghetti brain Vs waffle brain. A bowl of spaghetti is an intermixed conglomeration of noodles, sauce, seasoning, and other ingredients. A waffle is a grid of separate spaces where syrup, butter, etc... has to be meticulously applied to each space in order to create that thought. In general, men do not consider the comprehensive situation like women tend to do.
Not a criticism, by any means and I do not mean to be offensive. Just an observation on the differences in general on how men and women see and assess situations, relationships, etc...
My posts and comments on STalk are an example of the man perspective. I repeat myself over and over again with only small adjustments in comment based on either something I had not considered before or specifics that a thread includes.
The lady STalkers tend to be far more empathetic, comprehensive, and broadly more considerate of what ifs and possible why's in their comments.
For me, mental load is relatively low because each consideration has its waffle grid location. I cannot comment on mental load and the highly interconnected nature of how women function. From watching the incredible women in my life and having benefited from the brilliant ladies here on STalk for more than 17yrs, I am a fan and I am very aware that I have zero clue on how mental load manifests in women Vs men. I just know it is very different.
Even the whole variances in parenting, dealing with the opposition, etc... if relatively simple for me. I have the standards of behavior and standards of performance waffle squares. I apply them as needed. I do not consider the interconnected complexities. Is the behavior and performance compliant with the standard. Yes or no. If yes, move on. If no, apply consequences then move on. If there is a mitigating circumstance, I consider it. That consideration is binary. Is it legitimate or is it not legitimate. If it is legitimate, recognize it, discuss it, apply no consequence, move on. If it is not legitimate, apply appropriate consequence. This is the foundation of my focus on the what rather than the why in reference to the behaviors that arise in the blend.
In my waffle man brain opinion of course.
As with anything, change happens, things evolve.
In our marriage (I'm a non breeder married to a former single teen mom with a toxic SpermClan in opposition), over the nearly 31 years of our marriage the dynamics have shifted. The last 4+ years, though we have been empty nesters for 14 years, have had major shifts. My career slowed way down starting with COVID while my bride's career has boomed. So, I took over the grocery shopping, meal planning, cooking, most of the housework, etc. She works and manages our household finances. She always has managed our household finances. Hey, when you sleep with a CPA every night, why not let the bean counter count the beans and manage the bills. We collaborate well across most areas. Including managing our investments, parenting an adult man, engaging with each other's family, etc...
Collaboration certainly reduces mental load.
Maybe?
Partnership
I like the way mental load shifted within your relationship once the work load shifted. That is a true partnership. And a love for the ages!
Thanks. Though I wish I knew the why on how different I am now
compared to early in our marriage.
The house husband thing is not stressful or difficult. In hind sight, I wish I had been more reasonable about it earlier in our marriage.
We did land on the work time/our time model fairly early. Work time starts when the first person leaves the house for work and ends when the last person arrives home from work at the end of the day. At that point, it becomes our time to deal with the house, meals, the kid, the yard, etc...
When DW was a SAHM early in our marriage, she dealt with the kid, the house, shopping, etc... during work time. Once I got home, it was a team effort. Though admittedly I was not infrequently confused by how much had to be done after work time.
My SIL was one who would hand the kids off to my brother when he got home from work and demand that he deal with them, figure out dinner, etc.... Needless to say, I was not much of a fan of my SIL. She has not been a partner to him. He has commented periodically over the years that he has 4 kids and not just 3 and that he wishes he had a partner to make a life with like I have.
My SIL is a facade builder. Walk in their home and it is model home pristine. Just don't open a cabinet or closet. If you do, you are in danger of being buried in the crap that falls out. Our home, while not pristine, is orderly and kept but definitely lived in. My SIL once told my wife that she did not like visiting our home because it was not clean. My wife replied that at least in our home the kids did not have to wear hard hats and steel toed safety shoes to open a cabinet or closet to prevent a head injury or crushed toes. That went over like a fart in church with my SIL.
DW was a SAHM for the first 3yrs or our marriage. Kindergarten was mandatory full time in our State. When SS started kindergarten DW had plans to do home projects, hang with the ladies in the neighborhood, having wine and charcuterie days, then all meeting the kids at the bus stop. She lasted less than a week and was so bored she went to work. It was seamless for SS. His mom walked him to the bus stop in the AM and was at the bus stop when he got home. My DW is not a world class home maker. Neither is my SIL, but the facade she fabricates certainly gives that appearance.
I know, I am interested in a why. By no means my usual. It is likely that I may have mellowed a bit with age and experience.
Wow...
I had to run this through ChatGPT...wasn't sure what it was.
----------------
Examples of Mental Load:
Keeping track of appointments, birthdays, and due dates
Planning meals and grocery shopping
Noticing when the laundry is piling up
Making sure the kids have clean uniforms and signed permission slips
Anticipating others’ needs (“We’ll need snacks for the church potluck on Sunday”)
It’s not the physical act of doing the task—it’s the mental energy of carrying it in your head all the time.
Who Carries It?
Mental load is often carried more heavily by women in relationships or families, even when both partners work outside the home. The imbalance can cause stress, resentment, or burnout.
Why It Matters:
It’s exhausting, even if it’s not visible.
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Lord, that sure describes me. I take care of everything in this home and life of ours (me and DH). I also have to manage other aspects of my life...adult kids, family, friends, art circles, etc.
As for steplife? In the past, definitely mental load...trying to keep the peace, get along, etc. It almost destroyed me....thankfully, I woke up and got myself together. Today...I do not let StepHell impact me. DH handles his kids and their issues. I do not concern myself with them...whether they like me, hate me, visit or call DH...nothing. That's DHs "mental load" to handle. But it was a heavy load in my past....one I'm glad I got rid of.
Great topic.
Chat GPT has it about right.
Chat GPT has it about right. To me, mental load is about planning so that the responsibilities of daily life don't come as a surprise emergency every damn time. My SO and his BM were not carrying the mental load well. Every day required multiple back-and-forth communication about where the skids were supposed to be, how they would be fed, what needed to be brought to school, where the booksacks were. Nobody was planning ahead for anything. Daily life was one big urgent crisis. My SO's brother is the same way. Every school holiday he would start calling all the relatives in a panic trying to find someone to watch his kid, as he and his wife had no plan and didn't think about it until it was happening. I see lack of mental load carrying af my job. Kids with chronic conditions who have to go to the ER for, say, an asthma attack because nobody knows where the inhaler is or they never bothered to pick one up. Or the ER for a toothache because nobody was keeping up with oral hygiene or dental visits (even when dental care is free and free transportation is provided.) Mental load requires "executive functioning", which some people have very little capacity for.
Sadly those with low executive function raise basement trolls.
Which is a burden not to the people on the quality side of the blended equation who will not tolerate the growth of the shit puddle of disfunction.
Edited to correct "love executive function" to "low". My appologies.
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This makes me question if the higher quality person you are naturally indicates you will incur more mental load? I think it does!
I think that it does.
The higher quality more cerebrally engaged will likely have a higher level of mental load. I think that if we disected all of those in the collective blended family opposition as a group in comparison to the collective population of people on the quality side of the blended family line that mental load is likely far higher on the quality side than on the lower quality toxic opposition side. Those likely are far more enveloped with their next narc fix and living their lives as victims while the quality side is looking comprehensively at the actions of what needs to be done.
Not that different is necessarily toxic. Equity life partners are invariably very different from each other in many ways. Neither is necessarily wrong or more or less than the other. They meld and they build and progress together.
If any of this makes any sense at all.
Yes!
Mental load requires "executive functioning", which some people have very little capacity for. <---This!
Lol. I AI'd it as well.
It is a great topic.
Yes!
CajunMom, I like to use Christmas shopping as an example. It's not just about the shopping, it includes:
1. Who is on the gift list? (Family, neighbors, colleagues, etc.)
2. What is the budget?
3. How will the budgeted funds be dispersed?
4. What kind of gift? (An item you purchase and wrap, cash, acts of service, baked goods, etc.) (What would each person like to recieve? Personalize it!)
5. A plan for shopping. (Physically go to stores, online, visit your bank, etc.)
6. Actually shopping. (The amount of stores adds up!)
7. Wrapping those gifts! (There is a lot to purchase! Wrapping paper, boxes, tissue paper, bows, ribbon, tape, tags, etc.)
8. Keep track of those receipts! (Exchanges, etc.)
9. Dispersing those gifts. (Will you see them in person? Meet for lunch and exchange gifts or does it involve hosting 'family Christmas'? (Which involves menu planning, shopping, cooking, decorating the house, cleaning the house pre and post gathering, etc.) Will you need to travel to 'family Christmas'? Mail? (What times are the P.O./UPS/Fed Ex. open? How long will the package take to get to it's destination? Do I need to insure the package? Etc.)
I probably forgot a lot, the point is the list goes on and on! It is never 'just a gift'!
This is important, who takes care of this? Is it a joint effort or does it fall mostly on 1 person?
Christmas - the ultimate mental load
Trudie, I couldn't agree with you more! I'm flashing back to the last Christmas I tried to make it perfect for everybody. I was working full time at a company with heavy yearend workload and attending night school 3 nights a week.
After putting up the tree and shopping for gifts for 5 kids, their spouses and 2 (then) gkids, my mother and sister, I decided the 2 granddaughters should each get a chest with a bride dress, veil, shoes and bouquet. I don't really like sewing but there I was sewing. I sent out cards. I drove to a rental place and got a Santa suit then argued with somebody to be Santa. I hosted the gks for a cookie-making day. I prepared a big meal. When it was over, I was so tired I felt like crying
DH did nothing but I blame myself for having a fantasy about Christmas that didn't match my time and energy levels. He didn't care about any of it and I doubt anybody else did except the granddaughters who wore the bridal gowns til they wore out
Nowadays, I give $ and somebody else does Christmas. Nobody seems to notice or care that I don't kill myself doing it all anymore.
Wow!
We have our very own 'Martha' here on StepTalk...I am complementing you, I mean that in the very best of ways! Oh, I bet they noticed and I bet those granddaughters never forgot what you did for them! That has to be a treasured memory. What you did was truly beautiful and from the heart. And it's okay that you give money and somone else does Christmas. (Also, I bet the one's doing Christmas now say, "Wow, JRI did all this and then some...amazing!")
I have always aspired to be 'Martha' and I always fall short. I used to think, "Next year I will get it right!" I've actually never got it right! Haha! However, this past Christmas, I did get it right. Or a new 'right' for me. We had a quiet breakfast with my son and his S.O., then we sat, relaxed, and talked. It was lovely. Then my DH and I stayed home and spent time together. That was also lovely. Cooking good food for just the two of us to enjoy; no rush, no hassle, no step nonsense. I think we have a new tradition.
What a great example.
For me Christmas shopping is pretty simple. What do I want to get someone? That is it for me. It is not a planed or focus thing. At any give time if I see something that piques my interest as a gift for a person, I buy it. I then put it in a place where I will not forget about it, and I wrap it and give it at the appropriate time.
Basically, I focus on my bride, my kid, and my parents. If we are not gathering, my brother and I do not give gifts to each other or each to the other's family members. My bride, is hip deep in the planning and list process. Her family are a list family. Each person gives a list and everyone buys off of the list. Of course there is no coordination so invariably someone will get multiples of the same thing. Over the years that we have been married DW has somewhat shifted in my direction on the topic. She has shifted to the list and only the lists for her family. Very early in our marriage she shopped for a high end gourmet coffee maker, had custom cups made for her mom and sister, and put together a collection of gourmet coffees. My MIL stared at it blankly and said "Why would you give me this> You know I drink Folgers instant."
In the multiple decades since then, my MIL has become a bit of a coffee snob though she never used the machine and coffes that DW had put so much thought and effort into. She did use the custom mug. Now, DW does not go off of a list for her mom. She gets her mom what she wants her mom to have. Regardless of what MIL may want.
My model is so much easier, with far less mental load, and it is very personal rather than effort based.
When we are gathering with my family, it is different. DW and I collaborate on each individual often getting a small selection of gifts for them. Often I find something that grabs me for them, DW has a different perspective so she gets them something, then we get an us gift. If I have done my usual zero consideration on $$$ approach and go over the top on spend, it is an us gift.
On the more comprehensive elements of the above list of actions. I tend to do the PO/UPS/FedEx part. Though she does the wrapping, boxing and addressing prepwork before I go on the periodic runs to shipping drop locations.
On receipts, for ILs, each gift has a gift receipt wrapped with it. If they don't like it, they can deal with it. What I select specifically for what I want an individual to have, no receipt. I don't give a thought to returns, etc... If they don't want it, that is on them. Not my concern.
I highly recommend
Absolutely anything by a lady called Emma on the subject of mental load. She's been doing cartoon illustrations about what it is for YEARS now.
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Thank you, I will check her out!
Emma, yes!! I was trying to
Emma, yes!! I was trying to recall that article and when I searched for it, realized it's the same article /book you're referencing. I read it a while ago and it struck a chord with me...
https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
I am the "household planner". I've come to accept that my husband, while helpful, doesn't really get hints very well or subtleties when being asked for help. When it comes to wanting help I have realized I need to ask, very bluntly for what I need help with and be helps, no problem whatsoever. I was more frustrated when I just assumed he'd do the type of things I wanted without asking but it just wasn't realistic.
I know that is the whole point, you shouldn't have to ask for help!! . On mother's day I have had to say, I don't want to make dinner, OR have to tell the kids or spouse to clean up, not have to do reminders, I am doing NOTHING. Because having to ask the kids and spouse all the time is so draining... That's the whole point. It takes up just as much energy to orchestrate it all!
Thank you...
...for this link!
It is a man thing.
Say it. That makes things so much easier than hints whether subtle or not so subtle, innuendos, implied needs, etc...
Men are waffle brained sequential thinkers. Generally speaking. When we are asked what we are thinking about and respond with "nothing" we really are thinking about nothing. I liken it to the optic gray that we all see when we close our eyes. It isn't really a solid gray, it is a swirling sparkling background cloud of nothingness in the form of colors, moving patterns, random tiny flashes, etc..
That, is what we are thinking about when we are thinking about nothing. It really is nothing. Just random firing synapses that kind of swirl around and bounce off of each other with no rhyme or reason.
it is a wonderful place. Let me tell you. Ask, and we engage the appropriate waffle square and off we go. Once we address the request, we step out of that square and back into optic gray thinking about nothing. If you want what you are requesting done at a specific time and in a specific way, say that too.
A recent somewhat related note, DW asked me to book a room for the end of the month for her biannual family camping trip at a CCC built lake resort near Crater Lake NP. So I booked a cabin. Now, comes the "What amenities does the cabin have? Does it have a lake view? Do I need to bring a coffee maker? How many bedrooms are in the cabin? etc..." I have no clue. She said book a room, I booked a cabin because it gave us more flexibility to accommodate any number of contingencies regarding the other 9 people going on the trip. Mainly I chose a cabin because it has a full kitchen and my IL clan is big on not eating out on the biannual camping extravaganza.
She is crushing my optic gray thinking of nothing bliss with the interconnected questions and thoughts that never even entered my mind.
Now, back to my optic gray thinking of nothing mental swirl of nothingness.
I completely agree that mental load is nearly entirely borne by
I completely agree that mental load is nearly entirely borne by women.
The ebb and flow detail is not generally how the man brain works.
I have developed some level of awareness on doing the dishes, my laundry, changing and washing the sheets, grocery shopping, etc, etc, etc..
Mainly because in our various dynamic and transition phases, DW was otherwise engaged and it had to be done. I have learned to stay on some things and just do them. That makes for a very happy bride.
Though when our kid was diaper aged, I changed them as often as DW did during the our time hours of the day when she was a SAHM. I often did the grocery shopping on my way home from work though from a list that she usually comiled. Interestingly when she had expressed frustration about why I "just don't do it or help?" When I attempt to take things off of her plate those things are not what she wants me to take and are areas where she can relax and not get stressed when she is doing them. Probably the best example is paying the bills. We have a great credit score because she is a savant at household financial management. I have attempted over the years to get involved, nope. Butt out!
So tell or ask is where we tend to synch. She asks or tells, I clean the sink.
It's a lot.
I think the mental load, for life in general, is staggering. I think in steplife it could get out of control, even in the best of situations. My work life and home life (DH, my grown children) is enough to handle, life has gotten easier once I decided to step back not just from steplife but my from my husband's entire family. Sometimes personalities, ways of dealing with daily life or conflict, etc. will never be in alignment. There was freedom...and relief...when I just stepped back.
Who has reached this point?
What specific incident did it take?
How are you doing now?
Thanks, CajunMom, for looking
Thanks, CajunMom, for looking this up. I hadn't heard of it, but I sure do relate.
I used to brag that my husband cleaned the house regularly. . . yes, I bragged about what really should be the norm -- shared responsibilities. But he used to tell me the $ value of his housework (lolololol), which (don't tell anyone) seriously lacks. He does grocery shop. I don't let him cook (for me). You don't wanna know.
It often crosses my poor little mind that I feel like I have to remember everything and take care of pretty much everything. We have had arguments about it. It doesn't help that he has serious ADHD. Note: We have had dogs forever. DH was freaked out when he recently for the first time went to pick up the heartworm prevention (the cost). I smiled and said, "Yea, that's what I've been paying the last 20-plus years." He quickly got very quiet.
He does schedule his own doctor appointments.
The funny part is the skids get checks for gifts rather than gifts with any thought put into them since I stopped shopping for them years ago.
Easy for me to say since I don't have kids, but I think parents need to work with their sons a little more.
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Shared responsibilities...do you think that is the norm? It is the norm for us and I am thankful. He does most of the outside work and I do most of the inside work. We share cooking and clean up. I do all of the laundry. Not because I want to, but because he uses waaay too much detergent! No matter how many times I asked him to use less! Haha! We are both neat/clean freaks, so we are a good match.
I do carry the mental load around gift giving; I think I am going to work on that!
Mental load.. I mean.. life
Mental load.. I mean.. life involves having one right.. from the beginning of time.
Don't you think that early man had a mental load?. will he survive the night.. will they find enough berries to survive.. and the would they find drinkable water.. would they be safe from wild animals...etc.. etc...
In modern life, we might not have such basic worries/mental load.. but we have other things we need to be mindful of and aware of to move our lives forward. When we are young and single..in good health.. our mental load may be lower, limited to stress around taking a test.. or meeting someone on a Saturday night... perhaps whether we would have enough rent money by the first.
You get married, start "owning" more things.. homes.. cars.. have a partner.. have kids.. have jobs with increased responsibility.. your mental load goes up... more stuff.. more people.. more load.
You have extra complications... a serious illness.. a financial disaster.. steplife.. unrelated people added to your mix.. those can all increase load.
And.. some mental load is easier to manage.. not every thing on your list is same importance..but women often are saddled with the mental minutae... what to serve for meals daily.. (including packing meals for the family for lunch etc..) what to buy at the grocery store so you can meet that meal need... making sure that everyone has clean clothes... making sure that you keep up with some schedule for cleaning the home that requires daily work. then add on your other stuff.. going to the gym.. getting people to practice/school.. other errands.. and yeah.. we feel we just don't have any down time.
Now.. guys.. may have more challenging jobs outside the home..and we can't discount that.. and that they are more often participating in the above stuff.. but I see more guys tend to work in those physically demanding jobs.. where they may not have as much mental.. but physical stressors.. or they work demanding office jobs with high pressure.. often higher earners.. no way they can risk losing or family is in financial distress.. THAT is a big mental load imho... and sure guys will also have mental load from demands of their families.. and friends.. and household in general as well...
But again.. while one person may have a lot of minutae mental load stuff.. another might have fewer but more weighty stuff.. they can balance out....or be fluid from one time to the next.
in a good relationship.. partners will help their partner carry the joint load.
Yes!
in a good relationship.. partners will help their partner carry the joint load.
Yes, that's ideal! A balance, with the knowledge that there are times when one or the other will carry a heavier load.
The gender role thing makes
The gender role thing makes sense if the guy is carrying all or most of the financial weight of the household. If a woman stays home or works part-time or has a flexible/easy job while the man has a physically or mentally hard job which pays most of the bills, it makes sense for her to shoulder most of the load of running the household and caring for the kids, because that's her actual job. But that's not always true. If the burden of financial support is more balanced, the mental load needs to be too. Men today do (generally) shoulder more of the mental/household/childcare burden than, say, their fathers did. So they feel overburdened or at the very least feel like they are going above and beyond. Women today mostly work fulltime and often feel that they are doing what their mom did plus also bringing home (half or more of) the bacon, and they may feel resentful also. I think division of labor is something couples need to talk about before marriage and kids so that expectations can be set and at least a basic plan can be made. If they agree on what things should look like for them, they may not feel the resentment that a lot of people today seem to feel. IMO.
Also, as far as "minutiae"
Also, as far as "minutiae" things, as a single mom, i just had to let a lot of that go. Things like Christmas cards, birthdays outside my immediate family, etc. I just didn't do it. There wasn't time.
I agree.. sometimes we set
I agree.. sometimes we set impossible standards for ourselves.. we put ourselves in boxes.. Some stuff.. well.. it's nice.. but if it doesn't get done.. not the end of the world.
Kids would rather grow up in a home a bit messy vs living with parents that are highly stressed about every dust mote for example