I enjoyed Michelle Obama’s response to divorce rumors.
I enjoyed Michelle Obama’s response to divorce rumors. She didn’t attend Jimmy Carter’s funeral or Trump’s 2nd inauguration with her husband and so the rumor mill jumped to the conclusion that they are getting a divorce.
Here is Michelle’s response:
“That’s the thing that we as women, I think we struggle with disappointing people. I mean, so much so that this year people couldn't even fathom that I was making a choice for myself that they had to assume that my husband and I are divorcing.”
“This couldn't be a grown woman just making a set of decisions for herself, right?” she added. “But that's what society does to us. We start actually, finally going, ‘What am I doing? Who am I doing this for?’ And if it doesn't fit into the sort of stereotype of what people think we should do, then it gets labeled as something negative and horrible.”
As Step-Mother’s we often get to the point where we ask ourselves, “What am I doing? Who am I doing this for?” And “What am I getting out of this?”
Step-Mother’s most of all are expected to be forbearing, accept leftover crumbs without complaint, and be the lowest rung on the family latter. We are expected to be last after step-kids, our husband and the BM.
The evil Step-Mother trope is deeply imbedded in society’s collective conscience. Nobody feels sorry for the SM.
We have to take our power back. Nobody is giving it back to us. F*ck disappointing people. Don’t be defensive. That’s their problem if we don’t fit into their mold. TAKE CARE OF YOU.
A couple of quotes that ring true:
“You lose nothing when you walk away from someone that treats you like you are worth nothing.” “Standing up for yourself doesn’t make you any less kind.”
"Toxic people see your boundaries as revenge on them, and think you are nothing but a problem, when in reality, it's their toxic behavior that led to those boundaries in the first place.”
I no longer care what people think of me. I have disengaged and I have NO relationship with my SD’s. It’s what I have to do for my own mental and physical health. When I don’t want to attend a SD related event, I don’t attend. If people talk, so be it. My peace is my number 1 priority.
Let the haters go.
How to spot toxic people in your life:
They ignore your boundaries.
They constantly criticize you.
They play the victim.
They drain your energy.
They create unnecessary drama.
They never apologize.
They manipulate situations.
They make you feel small.
They only talk about
themselves.
They guilt-trip you.
They lie often.
They pressure you into things.
They are always negative.
They show fake kindness.
They gossip about others.
They compete instead of celebrate.
They never support your success.
They don't respect your time.
They blame you for their problems.
They make you doubt yourself.
- Elea's blog
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Ooooooooh. All good stuff.
But I really like this one.
"Toxic people see your boundaries as revenge on them, and think you are nothing but a problem, when in reality, it's their toxic behavior that led to those boundaries in the first place.”
I make it one of my fondest hobbies to set and enforce boundaries, then give these types clarity that they are the reason for those boundaries and are the ones forcing the protection of my relationships, home, family, and quality of life. Their quality of life is not my concern. Protecting mine and that of the people I care about and who earn it, is my concern.
To the point that if beating them about the head with the mirror of their toxicity to show it to them does not work, then ripping their demon horns off and impaling them in the eyes with the horns they refuse to see and recognize.
So to speak.
Surprisingly few people are capable of seeing their own flaws. Fewer still are capable of learning from them and correcting them. Even fewer are those that are capable of learning from the mistakes and flaws of others.
I am nice, until it is time to not be nice.
At which point, it is game on.
President Obama commented recently that his family sacrificed alot for his desire to be president. Primarily his wife. He also commented that he has been working hard to make that up to her. Smart man. He sees his mistakes, he has learned from them, and he is working to correct the results of those mistakes. He is no dummy.
And well he might, Rags,
And well he might, Rags, determine to make it up to his devoted wife! She was the most engaged and active first lady that I've seen in my long life and was well loved by the constituents of all three political parties. Her sponsorship of physical activity, proper nutrition and determination to end poverty (to name a few) was a notable ingredient of Obama’s presidency.
I particularly loved her statement, “The future of our world is only as bright as the future of our girls.”
I don't address rumors.
I don't address rumors. People will believe lies because they want to believe them.
And to play Devil's Advocate... I've heard people deny rumors, only for that rumor to become fact down the road.
Yes, they could end up
Yes, they could end up divorced. Things change. Even if the rumors turn out to come to fruition, her words are still poignant and ring true for me.
Very True
We have to fo what's best for ourselves. Nothing saids you must endure disrespect. Nothing saids you can't disengage. It's your life and you only live it once.
Self care does not equal "selfish"
... even though sometimes people would have us believe that, particularly about women
I loved her response as well. It is like it never occurred to
I loved her response as well. It is like it never occurred to people that she could make a decision about something on her own that had absolutely nothing to do with her marriage. I thought it was just crazy that just because she didn't attend two public events that people assumed they were getting a divorce - like married people can't attend things alone.
It's so stupid, if a woman
It's so stupid, if a woman doesn't show up with her "man" they must be on the rocks, but if a man shows up without her they assume he's giving her a break or taking one for the team while she sits at home and eats bon-bons. My response would have been "I didn't go because there was a convicted felon there and I don't want to be around that shit!"
No doubt.
No doubt.
Hell yea!
Hell yea!
"Toxic people see your boundaries as revenge on them, and think you are nothing but a problem, when in reality, it's their toxic behavior that led to those boundaries in the first place.”
This is so true. They feel like it is an ASSAULT on them. BM and SD are apparently still traumatized by boundaries I/we set up about 20 years ago. When SD was here a year and a half ago, DH was talking about a difficult situation I was in. SD said to me in the snottiest (haven't used that word in years...lol) voice, "Sounds like they don't have BOUNDARIES." It came out as, "OH, I thought you liked BOUNDARIES!" I couldn't believe my ears. I immediately came back with, "This isn't about boundaries at all; it's about ....." and shut her down.
"My peace is my number 1 priority." I have a cousin whose mantra is, "We are committed to living a peaceful life." She says that whenever any Tazmanian Devil tries to swirl into her life/home.
YES!!!
How to spot toxic people in
I used to be fooled and VERY confused about people who ACTED nice ("fake kindness"). There is someone I work with who appears to be the kindest, most loving person you'd ever want to meet. When you first meet her, honestly, you just want to hug her. She gave me a warning, though, early on: She said, "My old boss went to someone else and said, 'Watch out for her' about ME! Of course, the other woman told me, and I just didn't understand that--watch out for ME? I am a kind person!"
A little alarm went off for me. Interestingly enough, as I've spent more time around her, I see that she gossips/talks negatively of others, even in group situations when that person isn't present; she complains about everyone; she aligns herself with the absolute most toxic person there (that really didn't register with me at first); "needs" to be top dog (is competitive); she lies; etc. I thought: Yep, her former boss caught onto all of this early on and pegged her as a troublemaker.
You would NEVER think this person had any of those bad traits from first meeting her. Hell, she doesn't even think she has them.
Everyone should memorize this list. At the age of, say, 16. :)
Step-Mother’s most of all are
Felt this in my soul and one of the main reasons I left the stepmom role.
Tired of my needs coming dead last and feeling like a glorified bill paying house sl@ve / unpaid nanny letting his former family turn my home into an ex wife 2.0 respite child care center.
When you have to audacity to set boundaries to protect your peace all of a sudden youre the evil villain who hates kids and you will be gaslit
Determined in the future that if a man expects me to live with him then my peace is non negotiable. I'll leave pronto before I get in circular pissing matches about why a Disneyland dad thinks his kids are entitled to show up unscheduled, have zero accountability while in my space weekly, free range, bang around loudly, and roam all throughout my home all hours of the night, have no responsibilities, and more sideshow permissive parenting antics.
A healthy self-preservation mind set.
One that makes sense for your own quality of life and peace of mind.
Never again tolerate someone else's retread mate and baggage. While everyone is an amalgamation of past life experiences, we also know what works for us and what we demand from those in our life regarding the quality of their performance and behavior in our lives.
You know quality when you are looking. Never let your fee fees override your brain in the blended family world. Or relationship world in general.
I had red flags flapping in gale force winds leading up to my first marriage. But I was in luuuuuuv. So, I let my fee fees override my brain. Never again.