tired of living this way
I feel like I live 2 lives. One is happy, the other is not. We have the skids half the time. When they are not here, my wife and I can be intimate, watch our shows at night, have some drinks on the wweekend and enjoy our cats. The other half, that all goes away. Zero intimacy ever when they are home (10 and 15 and cant leave the house without mummy), ss 10 hogs the living room 24/7 (is annoying when not glued to screens so not worth changing it), no drinks together and they both feel the need to do loud baby talk to the cats so I cant even enjoy them anymore. I have talked to my wife about these things countless times and no attempted changes ever stick. I do everything I can to ve around them as little as possible. Wed and Thurs are our nights and we alternate Fri, Sat, Sun. Due to her exes work schedule they get dropped at our house around 730 (usually 740 every morning). Their schools are about a mile from their dads but they cant actually walk anywhere. They come in super loud with cat baby talk from SD 14 and pointless chatter from SS 10. They drone out on screens within 10 minutes so I set up my morning to avoid them. I eat breakfast at 7:10 and get my lunch ready so I can be in the bathroom shaving and then getting dressed when they get here. They were early today so the first thing I hear is super loud baby talk at 723 in the am. They are NEVER here early, almost always late. We have them this weekend and it just me going to the gym, then pool after,watching tv in the bedroom alone (I kick SS 10 out of the living room if I want to watch football but most of my shows are not kid appropriate so hard to watch in shared space). I have thought of leaving but I am already divorced and the guilt associated with that is still hard to live with. My ex was able to keep our house but with hiw things have gone up, my wife would be renting a suite and I couldnt live with myself to do that to her. I dont have my own kids so I could move somewhere cheaper or get a little condo here. I do really love my wife and while I am not always happy with her parenting, I would hate to have to live my life without her. I am feeling very trapped in my life.
- alwayslast1978's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
This is a project for Rags
It feels like the inmates are running the asylum over there, doesn’t it?
This chaos has to stop!
As a stepparent, I completely understand the feeling of living in two worlds—it’s something we all relate to.
The loud baby talk for immature and unruly skids? Oh, I’ve been there—check!
But here’s the thing: You don’t have so much a skid problem as you have a DW problem. That’s where the root of this lies.
Here’s your advantage: you’re not a stepmother. The biological parent in this scenario is your wife, the BM! And as the biological mother, she has the "superpowers" to set boundaries, establish order, and step up when needed. It’s time for her to use them.
If you’re looking for advice, I’d suggest reaching out to Rags or other stepfathers on here. They’ve been through it and can offer solid guidance.
Good luck—you’ve got this!
I get it
I know my wife is a huge part of the problem but they are 10 and 15 and need to hold some responsibility. I hear some of how they act when I am not there. They know I wont allow it so they wont act up around. My wife always baby talks the cats so they got it from her. I dont like it all but hate when 3 of them do it. Any talk of rule change comes woth her desire for me to spend more time with them. Unfortunately, I dont find them likable so I dont want to do that. Neither of them have many friends so I dont think it is me. My wife is super inconsistent so no charges will ever stick.
Oh how I wish it were
Oh how I wish it were possible for you to perhaps give the kids some of their own medicine...
pick them up from school and speak to them in nothing but baby talk in front of their friends.. hahaha
But to be a bit more serious here..
You may not be able to affect as much change as you want.. but perhaps some changes can be done to adjust things so you aren't facing it so much daily.
Mornings.. could you shift your schedule to leave the house before the invasion begins? It sounds like 30 minutes earlier would do it. I leave for work at 4 am.. so I get it's tough getting up earlier.. but maybe going to the gym before work would work out?
Living room hogging.. get the kids their own TVs for their room.. they aren't that expensive.. and keep them out of the public space... Shoot... get yourself a set you can watch in your own space (mancave.. garage.. bedroom.. office?)
Talk to your wife about your need to connect.. even when her kids are there. Maybe set a "golden hour" for the two of you where you can talk.. have a drink.. relax.. kids must stay in their room quietly during that time.. and mom enforces that.
You may not get the "full intimacy" on their overnights.. but you can maintain a connection as adults.
mornings
I teach as SS 14's school so I cant go early. I used to leave early when they were both in elememtary. We have talked about watching a show together in the living room, just never happens. We bought SS 10 a tv in August but he never watches it. My wife says it is because he wants to be around us. He is the biggest busy body I ever met so he has to be in the middle of everything. SD 14 is mostly in her room.
It looks like you've been
It looks like you've been dealing with these same issues for a long while. Your screen name says it all. I also get that what you want most is for the skids to change, but they will not if your wife doesn't see the need for household dynamics to change. Even then, it sounds like you just don't like them.
There are one or two things I would do, maybe both: one, assert myself in my own house ("hey, guys, can you quiet down just for a few?" "Gwah! That baby talk is driving me crazy!" "No, bud, your mom and I need some adult time.Go on to your room.") You are an adult and have the right to have a say in your home. If this causes issues with your wife, then there is an issue there. . . with her, with your relationship with one another. Secondly, I think I'd consider talking to a counselor. It has got to suck to feel miserable in your own home half of each week. How do you cope? A counselor might be able to help you gain the tools to be able to deal.
I can't remember: is it so unbearable that you would consider leaving? One thing to remember: We all deserve peace, contentment, happiness....
Kids get no say. Ever. SKid's get even less of a say
Kids get no say. Ever. SKid's get even less of a say if they are part timeers because part timers are not considered beyond basic space, care, and feeding. They have to integrate into the home they are visiting and they have to immeidately comply with the standards of behavior and standards of performance required in the home. So many breeders think that they need to create a full time home for part time kids and that CODs need coddling and accompdation of crap behavior. Which is pure insanity IMHO.
Like you, I am divorced. Fortunately I did not pollute my gene pool with my XW. I left that to her cheat buddies. Though I got the house, I left the city less thn 3mos after the divorce and rented the house.
When I met my DW of 30+ years she was a single teen mom to a toddler and a college student. I was in my last semester of ungrad. She was in her first semester when we met. So there was not a lot of structure or history established. We very quickly partnered to keep the SpermIdiot and his family in their place.
As for intimacy and Skids in the home, never let the residence of a kid impact intimacy in your relationship. Ever. Make affection a key part of every day with hand holding, hugs, kisses, etc... in front of the SKids. At night, be intimate in private. Kids need to see normalcy of adult behavior between their parent and the parent's partner inclouding common affection. Of course intimacy occurs in private but it should not be avoided or in any way kepts as avoided adult behavior. Get to knockin boots, bumpin ugglies, etc.... in your home whenever the spirity moves you both.
My parents were always openly affectionate with each other when we were growing up. Though they were always intimate in private, it was no secret. I walked in on my parents several times growing up. One lesson that I never fully learned. Not even after entering early adulthood when visiting my parents.
Regarding SKid behaviors. Take the hell no perspective. Set and enforce standards of behavior and standards of performance. End the baby talk. Kids do not take the common space. Adults say what is on TV unless the kids have a TV in their room.
Make it clear to the SKids what the standards are and that they have zero choice but to follow them. If your SO does not like how you parent and discipline, then they can step up and get it done before you have to.
Don't take a back seat in your life, your home, and your relationship. Hopefully your SO will step up and be your true equity life partner. If not, don't continue to sacrifice yourself on the altar of SParental martyrdome to a failed partner, failed parent, and their failed family baggage.
Get on with living your best life.
All IMHO of course.
I would get up early
And get out of the house when SK arrives. New project at work ?. It's drinking coffee and reading the paper in peace at work. Sad when work is a nicer then home. Get out ..go someplace. Eat breakfast somewhere.
They come in super loud
LOL!!! The Disneyland dad I used to deal with had weekly custody (insert frazzled face emoji here) and I would get full blown anxiety the second he pulled up into the driveway with his domestic t3rrorists and I heard 3 car doors slam instead of 1. Those kids were so loud I could hear them outside from inside a 2k+ sq foot house
Then they'd barge in talking all loud (making demands right away), walking all around heavy footed, slamming cabinet, bathroom, bedroom doors
-whew! I do NOT miss living with someone's untrained feral kids as the worst roommates possible
If avoiding the annoyance doesn't work then why not live separately but stay married?
I cannot tell you how much better it is to have your own space and not feel constantly on eggshells living with some kids who have no hometraining then be on edge having to negotiate with your spouse about how their parenting style disturbs your peace.