Hi everyone,

I'm new here and feel like finding this website has been a blessing. A lot of what I think in my head that I feel evil and a horible person for are exactly a lot of the same things everyone on here is battling with. Sorry for the very long post but I need to give you all the background story to understand the situation I currently am in. So i met my SO 3 yrs ago and fell head over heels in love instantly. He was currently living with his BM of 16 yrs. They were technically "together" if you want to call it that. Based on what he told me, there was no relationship there and they stayed together for the kids. Fast forward less than 6 months later he left her for me, which I'd like to add was still his choice I did not force him or put a gun to his head to do so. I knew what I signed up for being that he has 2 small children. I thought I could handle it. I wasn't "selling him," "tricking him," or being a "phoney" as he likes to say now. I had every good intention. He also has an older child from another previous relationship who is grown. His previous BM, whom he has the two small children with, never had a relationship with his older daughter and hated her from what he tells me. He always hated his BM for that and resented her for it. I couldn't believe they never had a relationship and would make comments. Well I sure learned my lesson. Fast forward a year from when i met him is when i met the 2 children. At first it was fine, little by little I was around them and then more and more. Originally the schedule was not 50/50 he had them every wednesday and one day of the weekend either fri night into sat night or sat night to sunday night, which was very doable for me at the time. It was fine at first, but as time went on I started to resent them and I wasn't use to my SO's parenting style. Let me just start by saying this, the two kids are beyond spoiled and coddled with constant love and affection on both sides. They have it better than 99% of kids who have parents that are split up. My SO now has them 50% of the time. They never went through the court and just decided this on their own. The schedule would be hard for any woman to deal with. It's not every other weekend and one day a week, which is the norm. It's also this ridiculous 3-4-4-3 schedule where the kids are with one of them 3 days of the week and 4 days with the other and it switches every other week. It's also not consecutive days except Sat, Sun, and Mon. So example if he has them Sat, Sun, Mon then she gets them Tuesday, then they are back with him on Wednesday, then they're back with her on Thursday, then back with him on Friday and then she would have them Sat, Sun, and Mon. So the weekends aren't even a full off weekend. In my opinion they're is no consistency for them and it's constant back and forth. I believe this works now, but when they get older and start having an opinion and wanting to hang out with friends this prob won't work anymore. Also these 2 kids are both extremely sheltered. They aren't allowed to play at their friend's houses, my SO and his BM do not believe in baby sitters so there isn't any help, except for their grandmother when she is home. They aren't allowed to listen to the radio, only kids bop, my SO doesn't keep the news on around them and they have no idea about anything. She still believes in Santa and Elf on the Shelf at 11 yrs old and up until the summer she was still sitting in a booster seat. Mind you she was going in to 6th grade. I don't know who finally ended it but my SO would allow it bc she wanted to see out the window better. My SO is completley overbearing with the girl especially. He still cuts her food and puts her to bed like a baby and waits for her to fall asleep till he leaves the room. It was so bad that up until the summer when I wasn't there all 3 of them would sleep in my SO's bed together. His 8 yr old son, him, and his 11 yr old daughter! That is insane in my opinion and would really piss me off. Then he had them both sleeping in her bed together for a time too. Which is gross! Sorry but an 8 yr old boy should not be sleeping in the same bed as his 11 yr old sister! He was comfortable and would fall asleep that way. It's insane.  When I was around them I wouldn't exist. Everything is them all the time. When I was a kid I would go in my room and watch my own shows and movies. My mom and dad did not watch whatever kids crap I was watching at the time. And to be quite honest I wasn't even watching kids movies at 11 anymore. I watched adult movies, listened to Destiny's child, watched the news and wasn't sheltered at all. Anyway saturday or fri nights revolved around what Disney movies we were going to watch together. Mind you again she is 11. Her fav movie is Moana. You know how many times I had to watch that movie on a saturday night with all 3 of them singing every song. This prob makes me a bad person, but seriously I would rather shove a sharp stick in my eye then watch that movie. Also they still watch Bluey, a very baby show in my opinion. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is I thought I could handle being a SM to them, but they aren't my type of kids. Most 11 yr olds I know are already into makeup and clothes and love Sabrina Carpenter and music that I listen to. I removed myself from their lives, because I knew i would either lash out at them or fight with my SO. It got to the point, when I was still around, i would absolutley dread it and not talk to them or say hi, which led to BIG HUGE fights with my SO. So I thought it was better if I just remove myself. I stopped being there on the days and nights he would have them since the summer, as the summer before was brutal for me. Also mind you the 2 of them get ZERO homework and do absolutley nothing. No chores and no responsibilities and just wait around to get served all day. They also don't clean up after themselves and the girl is an ABSOLOLUTE SLOB and a hoarder. She never makes her bed, God forbid my SO makes her do it! No he always does it. It used to be me when I was around and when I'd ask her to do it it was never that she got up right away to do it so then I'd yell and tell her to do it. Her room is a mess papers everywhere toys everyhwhere at all times and "stuffies" her stuffed animals that she refers to as. Again she's 11. It got to be too much. I was invisible when they were around feeling completley left out. I could't even relate to the daughter bc she is the complete opposite of what I was at 11. I always tell my SO that he loves me more than them, which he always denies. I grew up in a family with parents that put their marriage first. My mom always told me she loves me to death, but I'm part of her life not her whole life. My parents love me more than anything, but their marriage was always first. They didn't stay home one sat night from when I was born even till now.I always had a babysitter till my mom went back to work when I was 6 and my grandmother came to live with us, but by no means did my parents shelter me and not trust a babysitter thinking they were going to kill me or abuse me like my SO and his BM believe. I also know i had a blessed life with happily married parents. My SO does have a lot of guilt but his parenting style isn't for me. I also would like to add my SO's older daugter, who is grown, was nowhere near as coddled as these 2. I honestly feel bad for her. It was like she was replaced by the two younger ones at 11 yrs old and did not have the same upbringing as them. My SO wasn't there for her the way he is for these two. He has a lot of guilt from her and I think that's why he's so extra with these two. Anyway back to my point, she does absolutley nothing. She did not graduate high school and doesn't work. She lives in her grandmother's house doing nothing all day. I blame my SO's parenting style for that. So these 2 have zero dissapointment or failure in their lives and are shielded from everything. He is raising 2 kids that will be extremely entitled when they grow up and won't be able to deal with any negatives life throws at them, including people disliking them bc they are only around family and that's it, they are shielded from anyone that could possibly dislike them or not be nice to them. They live in a fake utopia and I just can't relate to it. Fast forward to this past summer I wasn't there 50% of the time so I decided to take most of my clothes out bc the apartment is very small and my SO got really mad at me once for having so much stuff in all 3 closets. My clothes and shoes aren't cheap. The poll in the closet was constantly falling from the weight of both our clothes. My clothes would get wrinkled and dirty. So I said to myslef I'm only hear 50% of the time now. Let me just take my stuff out . Any sane person would agree. My SO didn't see it like that. He thinks I'm secretly trying to leave him. Wouldn't I just leave him then? Why waste my time? Also I went back to school full time in August in a very grueling accelerated program. I need a quiet place to study and concentrate and I'm in a house with 2 kids who don't even get homework or tests and constantly play and scream and are always in the living room. It's a very small apartment. Me moving my clothes out was not personal or against him. Although he seems to think so. I apparently "played him." Fast forward to now, we both have resentment towards each other. He has resentment towards me for "moving out" and not seeing his kids for 5 months now and removing myself from their lives. He also says if he knew this was how it was going to be he never would have left their mother for me and uprooted his children from in my opinion the fake family they were portraying for the kids. I "played him" and "tricked him" and I'm the biggest "phoney" Again I never put a gun to his head it was his choice to leave her for me and now he's putting that blame on me, because I said I wanted something serious with him. He also resents me bc I hated living in a small apartment and I'm spoiled and not a genuine person bc I need to live in a mansion to be happy. Not true about the mansion part, but yes the apartment was a major downgrade from my house. My bf also has been very unsuccesful with his job and hasn't been making money the past 3 yrs which he also blames me for bc he's spending more than ever now that he's with me. I'm having resentment towards him bc I'll never feel equal to his kids and he has also put me in a bad spot financially and i allowed him to use my name on something. BIG MISTAKE! My credit is about to drop bc of him. He also says I require a lavish lifestyle and I am part to blame for the credit cards and he'd have much more money if he stayed with his ex. He also said he can't say no to me. Any sane person would say no. If you told me we can't do dinner tonight I'd understand. I also didn't put a gun to your head and make you spend it. I didn't say we had to go on vactaion but he puts it on me like I forced him. I come from a family that has money and my parents do support me financially and he always puts me down for it. I live in their house, which also is in my name now and he bashes me for it constantly. I moved out to live in mommy and daddy's house and yet I criticize his daughter for not cutting her own food. How dare I? I moved back in to MY house bc I need a quiet place to study and yes the kids were not working for me so I removed myself from the situation, but I still love him and want to be with him. Now yesterday we got into a brawl and I said a lot of things out of anger like, "I'm hanging on by a thread", which I didn't really mean and now it has turned into WWIII. It was a lot of back and forth yesterday. I finally caved and reached out to him at midnight. Which is after he told me goodbye I said I love you he said it back and he said I'll talk to you later, which I interpreted as I'll call you or text you later. So no contact from him so I caved called him and he said I never said I was going to call you. Yea I said I'd talk to you later. Which I guess meant I'm never talking to you  Anyway, the phone call was beating a dead horse and more hurtful things were said. Including he only said I love you too when I left yesterday bc I said it first. He wasn't planning on saying it. That was like taking a knife to my chest hearing him say that. I do love him and want to make it work. We left off that we would speak today. either he calls or texts me or I call or text him. It is now a little after 3 PM and it's crickets. I'm too stubborn to reach out to him and vice versa. We are both Leos I might add. He's also with his kids so I know he prob doesn't want to call me in front of them bc there will probably be yelling and cursing, even though we agreed to be nice today. So I'm at a standstill I love him more than anything and want to make it work, but don't know how to. Any advice from everyone on here would be much appreciated. Thank You.