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Steps have no compassion

No Name's picture

I had major surgery.  Steps were well aware.  They made no contact during this time.  Less than one week after my surgery my parent passed away.  Again, nothing from the steps, not even a text message.  I am so sad, all I do is cry over my loss.  In addition to my steps not reaching out, only one sister in law on my husband's side did.  This hurts so bad.  I am always there for everyone else.  What bothers me about my in laws is that they seem to remain loyal to my husbands ex.  We have no children together.  Would that have made a difference?  What do I do moving forward?  Pretend like these people don't even exist?  DH told them all and he even asked these adult steps to reach out to me which they did not.  I am thinking that these events have really shown me who cares and who couldn't care less about me.  

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CajunMom's picture

In a 4 year span, I lost my sister and 9 year old nephew (auto accident), two brothers (overdoses) and my elderly mom. Not one word from DHs kids. Had a MAJOR surgery and only "noise" from DHs kids was the oldest (in his 30's at the time) "crying" because daddy couldn't take him to the movies. Lost my precious fur baby with DHs youngest living IN our home at the time. Not a sound. 
 

Your situation is not unusual. Many of us on the board have experienced exactly what you have. All I can say is search the site for boundaries to set, protecting your heart and "girding your loin" for your time in StepHell. 
 

Im at the place where I do NOT want sympathy or anything from DHs kids. While my bio family is very small, my friends have stepped into that role. I get emotional support there. DH's kids are simply his kids and I interact on a civil and superficial basis and only when utterly necessary. 
 

Sometimes I think, why did I tolerate that crap for 12 years???? I would never have let any other human treat me in such a terrible manner and for so long. SMH

 

Start your research and take care of you. 
 

EDIT: DH and I do not have children together. We were past that stage of life. But I don't think it matters. His family has been kind to me but some of them did stay in contact with the ex, even after her horrid treatment of DH. 

No Name's picture

I am so sorry to hear of your losses.  That is way too much to go through in such a short period of time!

The skids are in their 30's now.  We see them a few times each year.  I am always kind to them and I am kind and loving to their children.  The one granddaughter put her arms around my neck last month and said "I love you"  It melted my heart.  These little ones are all so sweet at this time.  However, they have been trained by the steps to address me by my first name.  I guess that I was just hoping that maybe we were past all of the nonsense.  They are nice to my face.  They should be in Hollywood, the acting is so good!  I know that if my husband passes before me I will have no communication with any of them and I am OK with that.  I too have a very small family.  My cousins have been wonderful.  I also have a small circle of friends that are also wonderful.  I do need to figure out boundaries and how to protect my heart.

ESMOD's picture

I think I read that you had been in therapy with your DH.. if you are not still in therapy.. working through your feelings of loss would be helpful to you I think.

I get the feeling that you came into this family when his kids were grown or almost grown?  Looking back, these people have seemed to constantly work to keep your DH and his EX in contact and connected.  Your husband has not had great boundaries with communicating with his EX either.

So, these are not people that you can, or should expect to be compassionate to you. And.. I know that sounds unfair and that you would hope that people you have put energy into would care... but they don't.  Is their disinsterest just related to "you".. or is that just how they are with everyone.... it may be that is just how they are.. it could be because they have a problem with "you" in particular because you married dad and ended some fantasy of happily ever after for their parents.

As far as his extended family... for whatever reason, they don't feel connected to you.. and part of that might be your DH not communicating with them about you or them having feelings related to the grandkids.

Because.. yes.. for some families.. not having a bio child is going to mean you are "less than" in some way.. and that is just how they operate.

Again.. I am sorry for your difficulties and loss.. you should be looking for your husband to support you and your own family and friends.. I think you can write off his.

No Name's picture

The youngest skid was seven when we got together so this has been a little over 20 years of this stuff.  DH always says "you did more for them than their own Mother, I guess they forget that."  I think that I just always had hope that things would change for the better.  After this most recent event I am truly finished.  I could never be mean to anyone but I think with some self talk I can try to get them out of my head.  I think that it just kills me that my Dad was so nice to them.  Anyway, I am no longer in therapy but did contact a new therapist to help me work through all of this.  I just don't know how to handle the grandchildren part of this because they are all so sweet (at least for now).

Also to answer your questio, it appears that they are just this way to me.  

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I've been through the same excruciating epiphany, and want you to know, it's a GIFT.

 A lot of us came into our particular step dynamic openhearted, with the best intentions. Many of us took our partners' words as gospel ( "Oh, they really like you!" ), even though words and actions didn't match. Many of us tried so hard, hoping for acceptance and ignoring what we knew deep down. Well, now you can let go and focus on those who are truly your people.

You're going to come out the other side of this stronger and wiser. Letting go of the relationships you thought you had is difficult, but it's also empowering. You'll have learned to recognize reality, trust your own perceptions, and accept What Is. You'll heal and be able to mentally recategorize the skids to their proper place: not family, just associates of your DH.

 

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

Wise, wise words @exjuliemccoy- I am on this journey and very clear that this IS the reality. Although tough to accept at first, once you do it's on to healing and freedom. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

"What do I do moving forward?  Pretend like these people don't even exist?"

Bingo. It sucks because feeling rejected and uncared for hurts, but it's also freeing in that you can stop trying with them. Stop caring. And refocus your energy on people who do care for you. And on the person who is always with you and is your best ally - yourself. 

ESMOD's picture

I think you give them the same energy they give you.  No need to reach out to them.. but when put in situations where you are interracting.. you are polite and busy yourself with other things.. no need to make some huge effort.. just be pleasant.. but distant.

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

Rumple & ESMOD are correct on this - put yourself first, place the same amount of energy they do & be polite but busy yourself with other things - NO big effort. I recently had a buzz of the adult steps come over to see DH. I yelled a hello for acknowledgement from the kitchen / not coming into the dining room prepped for a dinner we were having with friends and at one point made a stop in to silently sit next to my partner to support him - that was it. It's HARD when you wanted something different but suddenly realizing "it is what it is" can be extremely freeing and you train yourself to be civil & lightly apathetic. In my case, I don't really any appetite for their lives whatsoever anymore. I used to really care, really want to help- now I sit back, DH has to do ALL the talking and planning & I rarely if any come along for the ride. It actually becomes quite convenient after awhile. 

Harry's picture

Disengage from SK. Make it like they don't exist.  Nothing you can do about there crappie behavior. 

MorningMia's picture

It is painful to read this -- both your situation and CajunMom's. And I see that the rest of us are familiar with this sub-primate disgusting behavior, too. I am so sorry! 

It's the ups and the downs and everything in between that these types of soulless-skids ignore. And I know it hurts. I received a brief, super-obligatory forced email from SD that focused on her love for her own mother (who had terrorized us) when my mother died. I responded to her in a way that would naturally have kept the "conversation" going, but she slammed the door. I heard nothing from SS when Mom died. On the flip side, when wonderful things have happened to me that are a big deal, the skids have always hunkered down and didn't dare say a congratulatory word. If you gave my skids a pop quiz about my family, they would only be able to mention MAYBE one or two people. They do not even know how many siblings I have. And DH and I have been together for over 20 years. 

It's mind-boggling to those of us who are NORMAL and feel natural empathy for others. My God, my parents' divorce was ultimately over "the other woman," and, while we were not BFFs, I treated her with respect and kindness. She was always welcome in my home with my Dad, we always exchanged gifts, etc. I just can't wrap my head around the skid behavior so many of us have experienced. 

The way I have dealt with it is to basically erase these little bastads from my life. I've (finally) reached a point of labeling them the sociopathic MONSTER losers they are. I gave them many many chances through the years, as we pretended that "when they are adults" things would change. I very much regret my kindness to them in the past and, like CajunMom, at times wonder why I didn't bolt a long time ago when I was in the midst of it. 

So, yes, ignore and get rid of the bad and pay attention to the good. So sorry for your loss, and I hope you are healing well. 

No Name's picture

Thank you for your kind words.  I just need to not dwell on this and redirect my thoughts away from them.  It's kind of difficult to just not care but I'll work on it.  I can however guarantee that I will not be spending any money on any of them any longer.  DH can figure it out and I know that he totally gets how I am feeling.

MorningMia's picture

I had to work on not feeling concern or caring for the skids many years ago. After a number of smack downs from them, that became easier as time went by. Like you, I stopped spending ANY money on them. No gifts. No cards. I decided to give what I got after about 5 good sincere years of giving. (I had a relapse or two.) This year, I unfriended and blocked on social media--they didn't have the right to find out what their father was doing through me after all the years of disrespect of both of us. 
I'm now working on redirecting my thoughts as well/stopping my recent dwelling. I was good at "erasing" for a while, then something came up. But I'm really truly DONE. And my DH is onboard as well. 
I'm really glad that you DH gets how you're feeling. That makes all the difference in the world! 

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

In my mind I gave it a real good 10 years to get sorted - lots of "water under the bridge", "they are still growing and developing", "give it time." All of it - I did it and I can tell you they never changed - never moved an inch from their position of resentment, hostility and treating me worse than you would treat a stranger. There would be "fleeting" moments of good but the BAD outweighed any good times. What helped me realize "it is what it is" was to allow me to psychologically work myself up to the "last straw." For me I am like the energizer bunny- I just keep going and thinking that showering with love will change the situation- it did not. So...I became pretty angry and resentful but then through that period of hard filled emotions came a time of great observation where I viewed myself as watching them through a crystal ball. I told myself to wait for the "straw that breaks the camels back." And they were happy to stomp all over the camel's back at a horrificly disrespectful dinner experience where even the waitstaff told me to "leave them the bill - they are absolutely disrespecting you & your husband. Complete brats. FOLLOWED BY A PROFANITY." I started blinking my eyes at the waitress of this nice resturant that we were paying to have this nice meal at, realizing this perfect stranger was telling me this is horrible and these adults are AWFUL - that's enough of a sign.

I wish I could say I finally stopped being angry but my anger ROSE to another level that was necessary for my body to begin to associate them with negative feelings. That was actually really important for me- I may not have been outwardly raging at them but I had stuffed my emotions down, I had sacraficed for what I thought was good for the "whole sum" rather than myself- I had essentially put everyone above myself and these emotions flooded up. I did not share it with them and I found a therapist to work through it all. Now I am on the other side and see things clearly for what they are. The anger does not well up as much but I pay attention to that gut feeling. With one of the SKIDs it gets prickly and I feel unsafe- truly. I listen to my body now and the warnings that it's giving off and I put myself first. 

You can try to "kill them with kindness" but having done that myself - it did NOT work. What worked was to save myself, pay attention to my instincts and focus my energy elsewhere rather than throwing it into a giant vat of nothingness. I am still civil - I don't act nasty or mean to them, but I do not give them an inch. Nothing is shared about my life and they don't ask so I simply offer nothing. I also equally take no interest in their lives and I ask DH nothing about them. I suggest you start the path to healing - realizing they are not caring about you is the first step, keep moving towards a healthier outcome. You can do this. 

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

@Exjuliemccoy - I'd love to hear your version/experience of paragraph #2. I find that the more I learn from my fellow peers and how parrallel our experiences are, it helps to realize this is not personal. These people are damaged and it could have been me or another innocent lady who walked into a pile of stuff. If you feel like sharing I'd be interested to listen. 

Merrigan's picture

I would LOVE to hear more about this restaurant incident. I have a few of my own. 

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

@merrigan it was awful. Please share yours as well. 

We took them to a fancy resturant - they ordered whatever they wanted. Up to this point we had been compliant on a number of demands for weddings, showers, graduations, birthday demands, etc, etc that year. Quite literally it was the "year of them" and we not only financially contributed we put a LOT of effort into everything. Needless to say after each event I was cast out into a role of apologizing for someone's soft feelings being hurt over and over again.

Without going into too much detail into the back story they were VERY upset with us (especially me) for LOTs of reasons that in my opinion should not have been issues (i.e.- stepson tells me to wear a certain color to the wedding, I get exact color match then in front of guests makes me apologize stating that he would have NEVER told me to get that color. Ironically, I would have believed that I heard it wrong EXCEPT he gave me a color swatch and a letter stating this is the color. Other examples include, feeling that we didn't give enough money for specific functions (trust me...we gave a LOT), to the point of being upset that we didn't have the "right vibe." yes, you go that right that was stepson and his bride's complaint: your vibe isn't right.) Calling stepmom out in front of all family members for you name it even things like spelling errors. Publically disavowing us in front of people - turning their back to us, making faces, getting food for the ENTIRE family except for us at an event that we specifically asked if we should bring food, only to sit down to everyone else having a meal but ourselves- even after RSVP-ing and asking what we need to bring, food was given to everyone except for DH and I. That kind of garbage behavior, and funny enough we didn't even complain about these things, but yet they found wrong in everything we did. 

So...DH called this dinner to resolve the issues after stepson and bride publicly went after me in front of the whole family. INSTEAD of them apologizing for being disrespectful the dinner turned into a 45 minute complaint fest about how we have never done anything right. There was also a light allegation of neglect and abuse which I pounced ALL over and asked to CLEARLY state the facts so I could wrap my head around it (FYI neither I or DH have verbally or physically abused anyone in our household, SKIDs were incredibly spoiled and indulged.) I also made it DAMN clear that if neglect/abuse was going to be casually thrown out there then that means I am OUT of the picture for good, I will not tolerate lies and I very vocally stated "THIS IS A LIE." Once the quivering lie was taken back by stepson- he did peddle back and realized his lie went too far, because there was no foundation to stand on for the "light" allegation (he literally had no foot to stand on not even enought facts to insunate his concuction of lies), it just became a dinner of not finding one thing positive or good about the last year. They conveinently forgot the big gigantic expensive parties, resources and money we had to throw down the drain over and over again. They didn't "remeber" the vacations, the new laptop purchased, special this and that...simply we were bad people. The other irony was THEY- SKID & bride were actually the ones doing the abusive bad stuff to US. This was the irony of it all, as we sat there being told we were bad parents (bride even went as far as to correct our PARENTING...these are SKIDs who aren't even parents nor has this bride even been in our household for more than 60 minutes at a time to really see what we do and how we've raised this SKID.) The total thing was a charade and appalling to say the least. 

The waitress kept coming over to check on us and she could see DH was defeated and that I was sitting silent as these adult children came after us for anything and everything they could think of. I was the main target but DH also recieved some of the garbage flung his way.

The entire dinner experience was the most disrespectful experience I have had in my lifetime- I have NEVER seen a child OR adult child speak to their parents or people that are senior to them the way these chumps spoke to us. When DH actually stood up to them and said "we need you to respect us." That allowed them to fly off the handle and talk about how respect is earned, not given and that we need to earn their respect.....WE- the parents need to earn THEIR/Adult Childrens' respect. 

I am going to be honest- If I was an adult child talking to my parents or in-laws in that manner I am pretty certain my parents/in-laws would have picked me up by my collar, slapped me around (they have never been violent with me but at that point I think it would have been warranted), and walked out of the resturant leaving me to pay for the meal. I would have had to pick my sorry a** up and apologize before there could be an inkling of a conversation. But here we are in stepville...their bad crappy behavior only reinforced their perspective that they were right. (....how wrong to do you need to be before you actually get EMBARRASSED by your own behavior?!)

What happened next is I went to the bathroom and the waiteress intercepted me. She said something close to this but the last part where she stated "F*** them" was the one thing I remeber word for word. She said something to the extent of: You need to have them pay for this meal. They are treating you and your husband like SH**. They are brats. This is awful, I am happy to just slap the bill in front of their faces if you would like. And then she left it with "F*** them." "F*** them" is word for word, the rest is a summary of what I remeber from that night. Also to note, this is a really nice resturant and this waitress was older, so the fact that it devolved to her telling me that should tell all of us that she saw their ugliness for what it was.

What ended up happening was I came back to the table after going to the bathroom (where I splashed cold water on my face.) I remained standing stating that we are done here. DH picked up the tab, had my meal that I hadn't touched put into a to go container and walked out the door before they even put their coats on. I then proceeded to sit in the car, make sure the doors were locked and have every window up to make it clear that I was no longer approachable. DH came out with SKID and SKID's bride talking on the sidewalk and I looked straight forward. I vowed it would be the last time I EVER have a dinner at a resturant with them. And I have kept to that vow. I did have the unfortunate business of feeding them one time at a holiday meal years after the incident and they were not quite as awful that time. I really do not think that there will be opportunities in the future to do this for them, I only feed people who love me and I love. 

I also want to note - they have never once lent a hand to us. Not even once. Yet, here we are taking this garbage in. Love to hear your story - please share @merrigan.

No Name's picture

My most awful dinner experience was believe it or not a family dinner after a funeral (family only).   The skids, grandskids, DH's ex, her DH and all of her family was there.

DH and I paid for everyone's meal.

Not a single one of them spoke to me or acknowledged my presence.

It was so obvious that the server pulled me aside and asked if I was the stepmother and when I said yes she hugged me and said that she too was a stepmother and she was so sorry for the way that they were treating me.

I will never forget her kindness to me on that night.

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

You know it's moments like that where someone's compassion and seeing the situation for "what it is" makes ALL the difference. I am so happy that both of us had an uninvolved 3rd party who had no skin in the game see how horrifically awful the treatment is and acknowledge it. These people are unicorns ! And these unicorns remind us that we are being treated far below what is respectful and it might just be the push to tell us get out of this toxic dump garbage of a situation and to NEVER step foot in it again. The waitress' reaction was totally unexpected for me- I was so used to everyone just watching the sh** show abuse cycle happen without any acknowledgment but then here is this unicorn waitress serving up reality. It was excellent timing and so very important for me to see. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Jesus. Neither of y'all should ever hang out with these overgrown little sh!ts again. Seriously. Be done with them!

Rumplestiltskin's picture

That's what i get. Not overt aggression but the silent treatment. It's like i'm invisible. But it's SO's parents, siblings, aunts, cousins, etc. who treat me that way, not the skids. They are all close with BM2 and Lord knows what she's told them about me. It can't be true, though, because nothing i've done has warranted that. 

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

@rumple my experience is it just depends - SKIDs vacillate between burning me to the ground (for many many years it was unleashing fire on how I wronged them) and treating me as invisible - I actually prefer being ignored over being burned to the ground (NOTE: I am aware it's the outside ring that you are referring to as ignoring you). BUT being treated as invisible (whether SKIDs, outside family members, etc) is STILL extremely abusive and not for one minute do I think that's fair or easy to handle. A recent unfortunate visit SKIDs did the whole ignore, not make eye contact with me - I still felt a lot of anxiety from the bad behavior, because it is just that - BAD behavior. The problem with being invisible is everyone can pretend it's "okay" even when it's disrespectful and not even giving or paying acknowledgeent to a living breathing human being. IF you say something about the disrespect it's so very very easy to say "what do you mean? We LOVE her." Ummmm NO you don't. 

Rags's picture

If I were your DH, I would have instructed the server to cut the check for just you and me and my bride.  The others could figure the rest out as we departed.

Diablo

Hopefully, they would not be able to pay and it would have gotten very sticky for all of them.  Even with that, I would be long gone with my paid receipt in hand.

Diablo

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

@Rags- yep nowadays that's how I would have played it too. They were awful. Irony is how in this steplife the SKIDs can act horribly and somehow they find a way to justify it each and every single time. The whole dinner was cringeworthy and there doesn't seem to be a limit of how low they will go. Thanks for being a unicorn. :) 

Merrigan's picture

Wow. You win the skid dinner horror story. Mine tried to light the table on fire during Christmas dinner with the in-laws when she was 15. At restaurants she would cough on my food and kick my legs under the table.

That said, she's 20 now and a lot better. 

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

Me too- DH even tried to put his foot down with the "respect us." The other wild thing is there isn't a crazy BM in the picture...so this is ALL on them and they are adults. This happened years ago - and it still feels fresh. 

Little Type Amy's picture

I am with @Rags on this one. I personally wouldnt have hesistated to also tell the waitress outright to split the bill so that DH's demon spawn are left to fend for themselves, settle up our own and just leave it at that. I woudnt give DH the opportunity to give them a time let alone cover their costs. . Do you think I would give a shit if that would be unfair or vindinctive?  Not when dealing with total aholes like that...i would say justice and karma has been served. 

Merry's picture

My skids are the same. They didn't contact their father after his major surgery and recovery either. I don't know how they live with themselves. (I'm all for people cutting ties with abusive and toxic parents, but that is not the case here. DH's "faults" include marrying me and closing his wallet.)

I still spend way too much mental trying to understand them. But mostly I live my best life with my family and friends. If DH wants to see his kids, ok, but don't include me. 

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

Same stage Merry - spend my time living my best life with my family and friends. I really don't need inclusion in trips with SKIDs- if I happen to be around fine but mostly don't include me. The area that we all seem to struggle with is the rumination - too much mental energy to understand them. I too would like to refocus that - if anyone has a magical solution, please share. 

Lillywy00's picture

Sorry to hear about your parent passing

This is why I never got emotionally attached to these skids. The average skid could careless. 
 

Detach, detach, detach 

grannyd's picture

Aw Hon,

So sorry to hear of your loss and I can definitely relate to your sorrow. My kind, loving, generous father died last month and I miss him terribly. My stepson and his wife sent me a huge floral gift, my stepdaughter mailed a heartwarming card and my DH’s sister sent both flowers and a card; their thoughtfulness helped to ease my pain. 

Your skids are cold, uncaring people and, as far as I’m concerned, your husband should have insisted that they make an effort to, at least, send you a sympathy card! No doubt, if you had failed to acknowledge one of the major events in their lives, they’d have been deeply insulted. So, you’ve had that last slap in the face that woke you up to reality and have realized that doing anything for them is like pouring your consideration down a rat-hole. That’s a sad but necessary lesson to learn (((HUGS)))

ESMOD's picture

You do make a good point.. these "kids" may still be young enough that they can still use a bit of parental prodding to remind their kids of the appropriate response.

also... with his family.. I would want him to be sure to convey the information to them.. along with a "I'm sure DW would appreciate a card"  

I mean.. I'm in my late 50's.. and my dad told me.. "you know we need to send a card to X since X died"...   still reminding me of the right thing to do..lol.

No Name's picture

Thank you for your kind words and my condolences to you.

Just when I think they can't treat me any worse they do.

I know that if DH passed I would never ever see or hear from them other than them looking for $.

DH seems like he just can't belive them because they are nice to me when they see me.  But he also said that he has had it and just doesn't care anymore, whatever that means.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I am so sorry for your loss and hope your recovery is going well. {{{hugs}}}

Don't give them any more energy than they give you. Treat them like coworkers: be polite, but impersonal. The steps are adults. Ridiculous that they cannot express the tiniest bit of sympathy - that's called Manners.

la_dulce_vida's picture

The best advice I can give you, from experience, is to decide what you are willing to give or do for others, then do no more than that.

In your case, I would STOP doing anything for the stepchildren, but still send gifts or recognize holidays/birthdays for the grandchildren.

Then, drop the rope. Don't call them. Don't initiate anything. If they reach out and want something, decide how helping them would make you feel. If it would make you feel used, say NO. If you would enjoy helping them (grandchildren), say YES. But only agree to things that either won't bother you OR would make you happy on some level.

Be like a cat. Aloof. Doing only what pleases you.

The next step is to let go of trying to understand how people could be so cold and cruel. You can't make sense of it - no point in trying.

Finally, you have to get crystal clear on whose opinion and behavior actually matters. Then, you stop caring about what anyone else thinks. You don't care any longer if a step thinks you're mean for not giving them money. You don't care if they are rude to you because they were poorly raised and their opinion is of little to no value.

It's been liberating for me because I used to walk through this world terribly self conscious and worried about what complete strangers thought of me. I used to care too much about what insignificant people thought of me, I ended up being a people pleaser who couldn't say no. I was miserable and overwhelmed.

Saying NO is delightful once you get the hang of it. Saying NO and having boundaries has made me a very happy person.

Targetpractice77's picture

Firstly I hope you are on your way to recovery and also I am sorry for your loss.

I agree though. Steps seem to be lacking any empathy or care for SM's. They are users but won't be around when you need support.

I'm not in contact with mine now but sometimes, like just today, a memory comes up of things I did for them, caring, supporting, help, that even their own mother wouldn't do but then I'm either totally ignored and even abused and threatened, lies made up about me etc and presented to the world with a smear campaign just in a sad attempt to get the attention of BM.

I know I'm jaded but I truly believe that it's not worth investing a single moment of time or effort on a skid. Grey rock is the best.

 

Rags's picture

When people show and tell you who they are, believe them.

I am so very sorry for your loss.  

These succubus or incubus demonic asshats are not worthy of your grief at who they choose to be.  Celebrate you, celebrate the lost loved ones.  Write off the demons.  Match their energy in kind with a clear message of what they are and that they are nothing more than something you scrape off of your shoe before he step into the house.   

Scrape them off, leave them outside, and thrive in living your best life.

Like you, I am not mean to anyone. Though I do have a caveat to that.  Until, they make the mistake of departing from reasonable behavior. Then, it is game on, my tolerance is zero, I do not bide their crap, I confront it immediately. That prevents them fostering the mistaken perspective that anything about them will be tolerated if it is not within the bounds of reasonableness. I, am the only one who determines reasonableness.  So, be nice, until it is time to not be nice. Then... bring the consequences to bear with firm resolve.  This is on them, not on us. Never forget that.  I apply this model regardless of their age.  Though I apply consequences in an age appropriate manner.  The older they are, the more stinging the consequences I bring to bear.

Embrace your DH and step forward arm in arm.  Those who do not matter, do not matter.   Only you decide those who matter.

Give rose

Toaster's picture

My skids have no compassion—none whatsoever. Not for their parents, and certainly not for me as their stepmother. Of the two, the younger SD is by far the worst. Let me give you a few examples of just how callous these skids can be.

It was like any other day when the skids were with us: the skids would pile into the car without so much as a word. To them, I wasn’t a person—I was just their personal chauffeur, “the thing” that operated the car, invisible unless they wanted something from me.

On that particular day, I planned to take YSD swimming purely out of the goodness of my heart. She was 10 at the time. Before we went swimming, the four of us—me, DH, and the skids—sat down for dinner. Out of nowhere, OSD casually drops the news that their BM had been rushed to the ER from her job with chest pains. She said it like she was quoting some random fact she’d picked up from a TikTok video—completely emotionless.

“Where is she now?” I asked.

“She’s at home.”

Concerned, I asked, “Is anyone with her now?”

OSD shrugged and said, “No, she’s all alone.”

I turned to DH and said the obvious: “The girls should go home and be with her then.”

That’s when YSD shot me a look that could kill. The anger in her eyes was disturbing, and it hit me like a punch to the gut. I tried to smooth things over by saying, “We can go swimming another time,” thinking it would ease the situation. But the rage in her expression didn’t fade.

I got up from the table, having lost my appetite, and went to unload the dryer. As I was going about my business, I felt a pair of eyes burning into the back of my head. I turned around, and there she was—YSD, hands on her hips, staring me down like she wanted to end me right then and there. The level of disdain and anger in that small child’s gaze was unsettling, to say the least.

When YSD was 15, OSD had already moved in full-time with BM and was estranged from DH. During this time, YSD mostly stayed holed up in her room, glued to her TikTok and social media accounts, oblivious to the world around her.

One evening, DH was doubled over in severe pain, and I was supporting him, guiding him down the hallway toward the stairs. His pain was so intense that we had to stop before we even reached the stairs. He paused, wincing, and managed to say, “Toaster is taking me to the ER,” before doubling over again.

YSD’s room was directly across the hallway from the top of the stairs. Sitting on her bed with her phone in hand, YSD acted as though she hadn’t heard her father’s cry for help. It was as if he’d causally said, “Toaster and I are going for a joy ride.” There was no reaction, no flicker of concern, no questions—just complete indifference.

I looked at her and said, “Your father is very ill.” Still, there was nothing. Not a hint of care or worry in her eyes. She stayed rooted to her bed, scrolling away on her phone as if nothing had happened.

DH and I struggled down the stairs by ourselves, YSD didn’t even offer to help. It was like we were invisible, like her own father’s suffering meant absolutely nothing. I got him into the car, and we drove to the hospital—just the two of us, while she stayed back, lost in the digital world, utterly detached from her own father’s sufferings.

That night, the ER doctor admitted DH to the hospital for a ruptured appendix. The next morning, BM came to pick up YSD, leaving me alone at the hospital with DH.

Despite the fact that his entire family—his mother, siblings, everyone—had already reached out to check on him, neither of his daughters had shown any concern.

By late morning, DH was growing frustrated—after several failed attempts to reach his daughters, he asked me to try contacting them. YSD, who already knew he was in the hospital, but didn’t show any concern for DH, I didn’t bother with. So, I turned my focus to OSD. Both DH’s mother and I spent the morning texting OSD, practically begging her to get in touch with her father.

After hours of silence, OSD finally called me. She spoke to DH for all of—what?—three minutes, before cutting the conversation short. She was in a hurry to get off the phone, as if her father’s health was nothing more than an inconvenient blip in her day.

Throughout the entire eight days DH spent in the hospital, there was not a single additional call or message from either of the skids. It was as if their father’s hospitalization was completely irrelevant to them, a heartbreaking display of indifference.

I think its dawning on DH that the only family he has is me followed by his siblings and parents.

If these skids don’t care even for their parents, they care less for me, their step-slave.

Oh, I forgot to mention: during this time, BM had sent OSD to a local theater for acting lessons. The school was putting on a show at the end of the summer, and guess what comedy skit OSD had planned? She was going to mock obese people. The irony? Her very own mother—BM, the Golden Uterus who birthed and housed these two ingrates—is obese herself.

It’s almost laughable in its absurdity. The lack of awareness or basic respect, even for her own mother, was staggering. But in typical fashion, OSD’s priority was getting a cheap laugh, no matter how insensitive or inappropriate. It was just another example of the skewed values that seemed to run rampant in the cult leader’s BM’s household.

 

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

I can totally relate to this when the SKIDs were growing up...thanks for sharing this. We didn't have a scary health crisis strike but they were allergic to helping us in any way, shape or form. And the one time we absolutely needed a 3rd person for a 10 minute home repair. The SKID who was an young unemployed male adult relunctantly joined and in the midst of helping threw a wrench at DH's face opening up his forehead with a very large visible gash. Immediately SKID started crying - first I ran over to DH first to check make sure he was ok- being a head wound it was gushing blood. Then over to SKID who was visibly shaken...when I reached SKID I heard him moaning, he was crying which I interpreted as feeling bad for what he had done....but what I discovered is he was crying because he lost his headset in the leaves. He wasn't the least bit concerned that he threw a large heavy metal object at DH but pissed that by helping us he had dropped his headset and could not find it. WOW. 

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

Winterglow its so bad isn't it? But are you even the least bit surprised? I was at first but then thought that's exactly where his head is at all the time- there's no compassion whatsoever. 

Rags's picture

OMG!

If that hell spawned POS was mine, he would have been having to pull that wrench out of his skull, then hunt for the pieces of his head set after I stomped it into the smallest component parts.

thinkthrice's picture

Going on with your life and not giving skids nor DH's fam that sides with the BM the time of day.   Chef's relatives are all social media linked with the Girhippo 'n' Clan.  I have told Chef many times to be careful what he says around because it will get back to the Girhippo.   Out of all of Chef's many half siblings, all but two sided with the Girhippo.  Oh well, fewer wedding, Xmas, bday, etc gifts to purchase IMHO.

Spideyfan000's picture

DW and her ExH lost their second child (SS21) years ago and I was there for my wife when it all happened. If you read my first blog it was a mess. Unfortunately this is not unusual for SK's to behave like this. It sucks so badly.