Taking a step back
I have a 7 month old daughter with my partner and he also has 2 sons (8&5) from previous relationship.
we've never had any issues at the beginning of our relationship until my daughter came along...
My partners relationship with his ex was strictly in regards to the kids, then once I became pregnant it became as if their relationship (with ex) became a lot more... texting constantly, more communication etc (which isn't a bad thing)
until the entire schedule changed, we used to have the kids every weekend, which the ex then changed to every second fortnight "because the kids routine was out and causing them to be all over the place" so we accepted the fortnight weekends... then once I was pregnant the ex enrolled them in about 5 different sports each on saturdays and we were expected to take one of the children as she can't be in 4 places at once... which was tough because I was having a difficult pregnancy.. and missed out on a lot of that time... she also would show up to each event - so every Saturday we would spend hours with her... which I felt was crossing abit of a boundary into our small amount of time with the kids...
sure enough once my daughter was born it continued... she chose to become a manager for one of the children's said sports so every Saturday we missed the oppertunity to watch him in any of the sports and was basically assigned to one child's care - the child missing out on our presence has asked why we don't care about his sport and only his brothers... and I didn't know how to explain the situation
this past weekend (which wasn't our weekend) me and my partner had covid and had been isolating (my daughter spent the time at her grandparents) and I was asked to take the boys to their sports because she decided to go to a party for the weekend away and had already left...
when I explained I can't take them because I am isolating from all the kids to prevent them from getting sick... I was labeled a bad step parent by my partner and told I'm becoming the step parent that no one likes and that I only care about 1 child (daughter) despite not seeing her either during this time.. this treatment is a reacurring thing , including being told that my partner and ex had spoken earlier in the week and agreed I should do more for the boys...
it's become such a hurtful experience of constantly no boundaries and being told "I'll understand when my daughter gets older I've only been a parent for 7 months basically I have no idea what it's like to be a parent"
I've got a great relationship with all 3 kids, but my partners constant lack of empathy or understanding has caused me to want to take a step back
I've felt my daughter has constantly received the least amount of time, or effort
I've basically done everything for her on my own as a single parent in a blended family...
because when I was pregnant, my partner didn't want any more kids so I've taken the role on to do 99% of everything... when I have asked what about when she does sport how are we to manage both of us showing up with all these constant endeavours being placed overlapping every weekend ... im told I'll do all her sport and my partner will focus on his son and his ex on the other son...
this is hurtful and confusing, I didn't expect to live like a single parent... I expected to Atleast alternate between sports or be able to do things together as a family unit on our weekends without his ex involved at every endeavour
Your partner crossed a line when he had a conversation with
Your partner crossed a line when he had a conversation with his ex and they decided you needed to do more. That is a hill I would die on. You have one child, your partner has three. You don't need to make time for or do things for his two kids unless you want to. You need to have a serious conversation with him about who is his current wife and who he wants to make happy - because if it is not you, then you have a tough decision to make.
Oh yes, I agree completely...
Oh yes, I agree completely... I was in shock that he had... but ofcorse now denies that was the conversation... it's now changed to "we would be happy for you to do more " which is ridiculous
That still makes them the
That still makes them the united front/happy couple facing you.
So he gaslights you too - that makes it even worse.
So he gaslights you too - that makes it even worse. They are still discussing you and what you can do for them. He has his priorities mixed up.
I am so angry for you. None
I am so angry for you. None of this is ok.
It sounds like there are
It sounds like there are three people in your marriage, not two. The ramping up of communication, activities, and scheduling since you became pregnant sounds like jealousy and a set-up to me. That your husband is showing more loyalty to his ex-wife than to you is a big problem. That they would dare discuss what they think you should be doing is a betrayal.
I think your husband needs a wake up call.
Im sorry you're going through this, especially at a time when you all should both be enjoying your baby girl. Do you think talking with a therapist would help?
Thankyou, I honestly don't
Thankyou, I honestly don't know what to do anymore except step away which gives me guilt but it's at the point where my well-being is more important for my daughter
it's heartbreaking, but I feel as if maybe my partner has never let go of the past and maybe I've been a distraction for him but since she's amped up communication he's loyalty lies with her and he uses the kids as an excuse saying it's for them
And I have considered therapy with my partner he also agrees it would be beneficial... but he has lost employment and I'm currently a SAHM and full time uni student so I had offered to still pay for therapy which is quite expensive as a last resort ... but I straight out asked him do you want a future with me because if not I don't see the point in wasting hundreds of dollars that I don't exactly have and his response was " that's why we're going to therapy so I can figure out what I want" and so I was hesitant to apply... then he offered to pay for the first session (not sure how) and we agreed I would pay the rest but since this discussion he's asked why haven't I payed and why aren't we going and doubled down on his offer
Is that really why you want
Is that really why you want to go to therapy together? So HE can decide what HE wants?
Have you read their custody court order? I'm wondering how his ex gets to decide when he gets the kids and what he has to do with them on his time.
I'm inclined to say to throw this one back. He's not interested in your daughter nor what you have to say. He has placed you firmly behind his older kids and his ex in the pecking order when you should be first. Save your therapy money. Dump him and make sure you get child support. Given how wishy-washy he is about his older kids, letting his ex call all the shots, I doubt he'll bother you much about visitation.
Those were his words, crazy I
Those were his words, crazy I know!
and no I havent.. to my knowledge I had spoken to him in the past about trying to get a custody order completed so prevent her from taking more time away before I was pregnant...
which they did mediation and civilly agreed upon basically whatever she wants to do.. I have no idea what the actual agreement was it just has turned into whatever she says goes.
but as I've mentioned because their relationship "is the best it's ever been co parenting" and she's allowing him to have them more and see them every weekend to take his son to sport he is happy with the way things are...
I've decided to move out with my daughter, as the household is extremely toxic with abusive comments constantly... and now I've got him msging me saying "when are you puting us into therapy, if you cared and wanted to fix it you would" and then " I'm going to pick up my daughter tomorrow afternoon and you can get her back Monday night " and when I've said no because as embarrassing and as stupid as I sound he's also got problems with addiction and is clearly not in any stable frame of mind and again I have done primary care 99% of the time for our daughter the thought of leaving her with him over night terrifies me... so I've offered to bring her over Tuesday and Wednesday (days that I can) and explained I've got a busy week of unpacking, back at uni and just have come out of isolation I want to get us back into a routine... he continues to say he will turn up at 7am Tuesday and return her Thursday :/
so I've basically said look I left to get away from this abuse, im not stopping you from seeing her I just need you to work with me and our schedule and if this continues I'll need to cut off communication between you and I...
I'm genuinely so broken from all of this, I know now reading peoples replies that I probably sound so stupid, and it's a little embarrassing but I do appreciate hearing other people's opinions when I'm so depleted and confused on what to do next
You said that he leaves
You said that he leaves virtually all of the baby care to you, so how is he going to cope? Can he even change a nappy? Does he know how to bathe her? Soothe her? Or does he expect his ex to do all of that for him?
Frankly, I wouldn't hand the baby over without an ironclad court order spelling out every single detail, even the ones that may seem irrelevant, and especially obliging him to do a drug test the day he comes to get her and being breathalysed at handover.
See a lawyer ASAP.
And maybe try to get him
And maybe try to get him saying he didn't want another kid or he doesn't have time on a text. Like send him texts where you sweetly ask for help with the baby and try to get him to text back things that make it obvious he doesn't want to deal.
I'm mot sure you should give
I'm not sure you should give him any unsupervised visitation at all at this point. If he is an unstable addict who is enmeshed with his other BM, how do you know he won't abscond with her? She is 7 months old and i'm guessing you aren't married and he has no CO with you. Focus on collecting proof of his lack of fitness. Can you prove his drug use? What you allow now becomes a precedent.
You do not sound stupid! You
You do not sound stupid! You are smart for getting away! The addiction part adds another broken piece of mayhem to this situation. Please see an attack dog attorney asap and do mention his addiction as well as the abuse and his comment(s) about not wanting the child.
You may feel broken now, but you will feel whole and proud later. And suddenly their BFF love fest won't be feeling so good when they have the room to rekindle that dysfunctional flame.
Hon, I'm typing this gently
Hon, I'm typing this gently so please read it that way: why should you pay for him to decide which partner he wants? he needs to know what he wants? he can pay for it because the fact that he doesn't know is the answer you needed. Please start putting yourself and your child first, he's not doing that for either of you.
This comment actually really
This comment actually really helped... so Thankyou it gives me clarity that I must have rose coloured glasses on to not see this myself haha
Agreed.
The fact that he doesn't know who he wants tells you everything you need to know. Don't settle. You deserve better. Your baby deserves better. Tap into your inner strength. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
I seriously hope this whole
I seriously hope this whole post is rage bait. He and his ex are "we", and discuss OP's performance as a stepmom and jointly make recommendations? The guy says he didn't really want another kid so OP is responsible for everything? But she needs to do more for BM1's kids? And this loser is unemployed. He's like a wishy-washy wannabe Nick Cannon but broke, going back and forth between 2 BMs, just loosey-goosey with the boundaries. He wants his college student BM2 with an infant to pay for therapy so he can figure out which of his BMs he wants.
Fk all that, OP. No mercy with this a-hole.
His ex doesn’t control you
Or your home, or your time. The stepkids have two parents, you are not one of them. But it's your job to make sure DD gets everything SK are getting. More in the future .. that you get alone family time with just you, DH, DD. just like SK got when they were young. You are not one happy family. It's your family against SK family. Shocking but true . If you buy SK a great $ gift dies that Thai money away from DD?
'You should be able to do thing as alone family as trips to Disney..ect. Not having SK screwing them up. SK understands DD lives with DH 24/7/365. She gets a lot more of DH then his kids. That's life
it was DH decision to divorce, His ex. He know in doing so, he would lost time with his kids. He would screw up there lives. Then DH gets into a new relationship, has another kid. Just how does he think this is going to work? The world didn't do anything in his first marriage.. But now you are to change it ?
'DH should just be happy with you and his DD. and create a life he can with you. Not chase a failed relationship again and again getting no where.
So he is currently unemployed and has addiction issues on top
So he is currently unemployed and has addiction issues on top of still harboring feelings for his ex-wife. You have made the right decision to move out. I would suggest that you follow your instincts and do not let him take your child on his own - it doesn't sound like he could care for her. I know you are overwhelmed right now, but the first thing you need to do is contact a lawyer. I know the laws are different in the UK - but you need to get some sort of order giving you full custody for the immediate future.
Hang in there, it sounds like you are making some necessary changes for yourself right now. If he wants to make the changes to make things right, he can do it if he chooses to. In the meantime, you need to look out for yourself and your daughter.
Agree. He can have supervised
Agree. He can have supervised visits with OP or maybe a relative of OP. If he never bothered to get a CO with BM1, he will likely not bother with OP. In any case, if it's like in the US, the first BM to be awarded CS gets the most, so if he does go for some custody, make him pay for it.
Just wanted to send you some
Just wanted to send you some good vibes, Dam94. I left my addict, abusive ExH when my son was only 18 months old. It was really scary, like jumping into an abyss and hoping my baby and I would have a soft landing somewhere. I did have a little help from family, but I managed mostly on my own. It was NOT easy, I'm not going to lie, but there was absolutely no question in my mind that I would rather raise my child on my own than in a toxic environment. I finished a grad degree and got a decent job, and in retrospect, leaving my ex was the start of a pretty good life. I didn't have the additional drama of a BM or SK. That would have been so explosive.
You have a lot of good feedback and advice here. It makes me realize how sound they are and how I should really take them more to heart when I'm on the receiving end. When the same posters give me feedback, I sometimes filter them through my rose colored glasses, and go into denial a little bit. But I see here that they are right on. Your BF seems manipulative and the "egg" should encompass you and dh, not dh and BM.
Not only no but F-NO!
Your mate and his X do not get to decide whether or not you do more for their spawn. They are the parents of those failed family breeding results.
Re-read your post from the position of someone asked for advice. You know this is a shit show of monumental proportions that will never get better. End this relationship, nail daddy for a crap ton of CS, and get on with minimizing the influence of this whole toxic cesspool of idiocy on your own child.
Your idiot mate and his idiot XW expected you to infect their kids with COVID while you were positive. This says far more about both of those dumbasses than anyone should care to know.
Protect yourself, protect your baby.
Good luck.
When you and your SO got together
Certainly thing must be established . The ex is the ex. There is no talking to the ex. Everything is un deleted text. Save for back reference. A CO is established. So everyone knows what dates times kids are with you and not. How holidays Birthdays ect are handle. These don't get change. Any changes go through you to approve. Not SO and Ex playing games .
This sounds cold. Like adults can handle it. But this is why you get into trouble.. SO and the one they use to sleep with haveung old memories are making plans with out you. Or taking over control of your home. Disrespecting you. Of course you are angry. You should be. Tine to straighten out SO. If he doesn't want another failed marrage he needs to tow the line
Your partner seems horrible.
Your partner seems horrible. He didn't want to have kids with you.. he has no empathy for you.. he shares your life with his EX.. I say take the child "he doesn't want" and make your own life without him (except for the support you get him ordered to pay).
Please leave this pathetic
Please leave this pathetic apology for aman a d take your life back. Your daughter will be so much happier growing up in a home wher she is loved and cared for.
((sending you some good vibes))
Im so sorry you are going through all this. Take some time to read around on here. It sounds like you are being manipulated. You are expected to be providing, and giving, a nurse, a maid, a bed warmer, a chauffeur, etc...all while being a single mom and student.
You dont sound silly at all you sound overwhelmed.
The confusion is probably exhaustion.
What do your parents think of this sorry excuse for a man? What is their take on things?
Im glad you GTFO'ed out of there and away from him.
Get thee to a lawyer, forget the therapist (for now), and get a court order for full custody and supervised visits.