Underage driving
Hi everyone, in need of some advice as DH and I are really concerned.
DH was just on the phone to SS11 and his son just told him casually that he had been driving BM's car down their road. He then went on to say that he nearly bumped another car and luckily BM was there to put the hand brake up. We could hear her laughing in the background while SS11 was telling the story. Then when DH probed SS11 about whether he knew the legal age of being behind the wheel, the phone got cut off (presumably BM put the phone down). DH messaged BM saying that he is concerned about what his son has said to him. She replied "you never done that with your dad? His legs reach the pedals". DH then wrote "he is 11 years old". BM wrote "and?".
Would be grateful for everyone's thoughts on this.
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If there's a safe place
If there's a safe place without any other cars for them to learn/practice, that's one thing. If drivers' ed is the first time they ever get behind a wheel i think they will be behind other kids. But, if they are serving as BM's designated driver because she is drunk or can't legally drive, that's something else (i've seen cases where a 10-year-old was dropping off and picking their dad up from the bar.)
Let it go
You were not going to win in thins one. What BM does is not your concern
Safeguarding concern?
Safeguarding concern?
Unless she's letting him
Unless she's letting him drive on busy roads, or drive by himself, or as the poster above mentioned, take her to bars or something, I would not get wound up about this. At least where I'm from, it's super common to let kids practice driving when they're tall enough to operate the car.
Let the BM get sued into
Let the BM get sued into oblivion after her middle schooler causes vehicular damage
you probably don't have time to capture evidence and report her so ....
Some people have to learn lessons the hard way.
No 11 yr old should be on the road unless it's an extreme life or death emergency. There a reason the age of obtaining a permit/license is the way it is.
100%, it's the way she
100%, it's the way she laughed in the background. Really irresponsible and SS will just grow up to model her behaviour!
Except...
Get a lawsuit happy person and BOTH the kids parents would get sued.
No wonder you have the ST
No wonder you have the ST name you have (and I love it). My mom used to take us out driving, primarily in parking lots, but not at age 11. The problem with this is that SS is going to be scolded for mentioning it, and here come the secrets. It puts you all between a rock and a hard place. Your best bet might be to offer suggestions to SS when he is alone with you all or when he has phone privacy and leave the BM out if it. Odd, I know, but I can't think of any other route to take.
the Worrying thing is BM has
the worrying thing is BM has made questionable decisions before when it comes to SS11.
A few months ago she left SS11 alone in the house while he was asleep in the morning. However she took SS6 with her (thank god). SS11 called DH and was in distress (poor thing was crying hysterically) saying she had been gone for nearly 2 hours and he didn't know where she was. He had tried calling her phone multiple times with no response. He told his friends through his PlayStation because he was so scared, then BM came home and got annoyed with SS11 for telling his friends. She said that SS11 doesn't know how to be "rational in situations". Clearly what she implied by that was he shouldn't have told his friends about it (they had told their mums ). She said that if SS11 couldn't wake up on time in the morning (because he had gone to sleep late playing PlayStation), she and SS6 would still continue the day without him. SS11 came and stayed with us for a few days after that.
It's definitely not good but
It's definitely not good but there's nothing that can be done about BM's stupidity. If he hits something or someone then it will be on her. That said, if he was driving in a deserted parking lot or an empty road, it wouldn't be that bad. I do let my son drive my car up the driveway (it's a manual transmission) and he's 14.
My dad started driving when he was around 12 I think. My grandfather was an alcoholic and I suspect that that is why he started driving so young. He likely was driving my grandfather to get liquor or moonshine and possibly taking my grandmother to the store. (my grandmother never learned how to drive)By the time he was probably 14 or 15 he was driving by himself. He actually got caught by the sheriff once. He just told my dad not to do it again. Dad told him ok, then got back in the car and drove away. This was back in the 50's though, so I don't think the laws were as strictly enforced back then.
I'm mid fifties, grew up in a
I'm mid fifties, grew up in a rural area, and started driving at eleven.
I also think you need to let this go. Yes, it's aggravating and probably yet another example of BM's less than stellar parenting. Yes, her immature "rules don't apply" attitude will probably get passed down to her son. But this is who your H chose to breed with, and the outcome of that is sadly predictable. All you can do is try to set a good example and hope your SS absorbs some of it.
Julie, I'm in complete
Julie, I'm in complete agreement.
My son, at 13-years-old, was 5 foot, 10 inches tall. He was also very mature for his age. I spent many hours, teaching him how to drive my car (with a manual transmission) on a deserted country road adjacent to our rural property. When he was 16, he passed his driver’s test with flying colours.
I was taught to drive a tractor at age 11, back in 1956, and nobody thought a thing of it. I also passed my driver’s test on the first try. How times have changed!
Ha! I was driving the farm
Ha! I was driving the farm tractor as soon as I could reach the pedals - 6th grade maybe? And the farm truck by Jr. High. I didn't go off the farm though, no city street driving, that was the difference. I think allowing the 11 yo on a city street is completely different and a big nope for me. I was going to start teaching OSDthen13 or so to drive (I had her starting my car sometimes) off the streets as I think the younger the better and more confident a driver it makes.
I would be concerned. I
I would be concerned. I understand that some responsible parents may let their mature child drive in very "safe" spaces and be ok/happy with that but it sounds like this BM is not responsible. Also to me most 11 year old boys just don't have the maturity to be driving.
I think I would look up the penalty for letting a minor drive underage in your region and then send an email to BM recapping the conversation, her reaction and then an overview of the penalties. I would explicitly state that the boy's dad does not consent to him driving underage. This is to clearly state to BM your position and to cover your backs if anything does happen.
Then next time the boy is with you I'd have his dad go over the penalties with him too and highlight how easy it is to kill or severely injure himself or someone else with a car and that driving one is a huge responsibility that you do not want to burden him with at his age.
Let him know that when he is of legal age and has shown enough maturity you will support him learning to drive, so that he doesn't come away with the impression that dad never wants him to drive.
Thanks that's really useful!
Thanks that's really useful!
Dad took me driving at 8
My dad started letting me drive when I was eight. Very tall, I could reach the clutch, brake, and gas, and it was great. Normally he'd take me to an abandoned air runway, where there were miles of concrete and no other vehicles, but sometimes on 2-lane country roads.
I wouldn't stress too much about this one. Sounds like BM enjoys getting a rise out of you & skids' dad; might be better to tell the kid you're proud of him and emphasize driving is a privilege that requires utmost safety, since you're managing a vehicle that could end someone's life, including the driver. Diffuse the BM drama and use it as an opportunity to encourage the kid.
I'm firmly in the not driving
I'm firmly in the not driving at 11 camp. I live in a small city. It's no place for an underage driver. Even outside of my city, our roads are no place for an underage driver. I do realize that there are rural areas where there is no traffic, but that does not mean it is safe for an 11 year old to drive. Heck, they don't even recommend an 11 year old operate a riding lawn mower.
It's one thing to let your underage child drive on your property. It's another to let them drive off property. It's illegal. Rural roads are still roads. You need a permit/ license to drive on them. I've never met an 11 year old who I thought was mature enough to drive on my property, never mind off property.
Can DH change what BM does? Probably not.
I do like Beth Anne's idea of talking to SS and notifying BM. I might send it in a letter, signature required, though.
Day notified BM and suddenly
Day notified BM and suddenly now the "boys are needed at a family event" on DH's next contact and that he "can make up the time in the summer holidays". She also said "it was also illegal for your mother to give SS beer when he was 8 years old, hope she knows the implications of her action".
This is a total lie and a completely rodiculous response. Some people just shouldn't be allowed to breed honestly.
Maturity level minus 100.
We let both my SD's drive a
We let both my SD's drive a vehicle.. on our acreage roads.. ie private.. no other cars.. dad beside them. They had previously driven golf carts on their own.. probably from age 10 or so up... again not on public roads.
I do wonder about that specific response/accusation.. did your mom, in fact, ever let any of the kids have a sip of her beer.. because it's a kind of random thing to make up.
I certainly had a sip of a drink underage from my parents.. and to be honest.. its not generally as illegal as you might think if it's with parental permission in some places.
Ignore the beer comment. She
Ignore the beer comment. She is just lashing out, she knows she is in the wrong. Like esmod says it is legal in many places and no-one is going to prosecute a grandma for a supposed sip of beer/wine/whatever to a kid with no evidence and no ill-effects.
I would check what notice she has to give and if she needs agreements to change the visitation schedule last minute and/or make sure to get firm dates on when this catch up time will happen. It might work in your favor if you want to take a break away somwhere and can have an extended time with the kids this summer?
I couldn't agree with you
I couldn't agree with you more BethAnne!
You really can't compare driving on a public road to a possible sip of beer by a grandmother inside a home. It's just BM lashing out because she doesn't like to be told!
Honestly questionable parenting on her part. But we can't do anything about it while the kids are in her care.
Also you're in the UK so the
Also you're in the UK so the chances are high that the car is a manual transmission thus adding a level of technicality that an 11yo might not be able to master (coordination etc.)
Exactly. Much worse in the UK
Exactly. Much worse in the UK. The roads are also narrower and much busier. Cars are parked on either side of the road which can make it more congested! it's a big no to kids driving on public roads until they get a license to do so!
Not on the roads. If they
Not on the roads. If they have property where SS-11 can drive in a field or something, then I think it is a great idea.
I could drive just abou anything by the time I was your SS's age. I got my first motorcycle when I was 6. Not a lawmower engine in a frame, an actual motor cycle. Small of course. I progressed up the motorcycle size and power scale over the next 10+ years and I was taught how to drive our stick shift 4X4.
My riding and driving was in the desert when we were overseas and then on my GP's farms when we were visiting them in the summers. Driving tractors, dune buggies, trucks, etc.......
But never on the roads until I was licensed.
Thanks Rags!
Thanks Rags!