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BM text me asking not to post pics of SS

Secondroundstepparent's picture


Let me preface this by saying that when it comes to posting children, I am all about respecting the parents' choice to not post them on social medias. Ususally in those cases, that parents are still together or it's a joint decision. But when it comes to co-parenting and parents having differing views, it's harder to enforce something like that. I know for myself, when I had my son I leaned more towards not wanting him posted on social meida but his father (my coparent) did anyway and it was really just a matter of....I can't control what he does and I too have lightened up on that over the years by making sure to only post appropriate photos and nothing embarrassing for the child. 


Anyway - BM has been fighting really hard....just grasping for straws to control what DH does during his parenting time. When shes bored, she's bothering us. WHen she's not getting attention from the married men she seduces, she tries to strike an argument with DH or seek his attention/validation. Through this we have just learned more and more to ignore her. 

Recently during her visitation with SS, she had SS call DH and SS was hysterical crying. I guess SS was not listening to BM and throwing a fit about something so she handed him the phone to call DH and have DH handle "discipline him over the phone". I wasn't around when this happened and I understand that sometimes it takes a village to raise these damn kids but it doesn't seem right that DH is disciplining SS during a week he doesn't have him when he doesnt have the full picture of the situation. Just a distraught 6 year old on the other line crying and a BM saying "talk to him he wont lsiten to me". I think if I didn't see BM as this person needing constant attention and validation - that this wouldn't bother me much but I found it suspicious. I just shrugged when he told me about it. 

But then later she sent him a long text thanking DH so much for being there for her during that time and helping to calm down SS, etc etc. 

DH just ignored her text. TO HIM, he did it for SS, not her. 

She hates when he doesn't acknowledge her texts. Fast forward 3 days later she texts me in a group chat with DH and tells me to remove any photos I have of SS off my social medias. We both collectively decided to ignore her. I don't really have pictures of SS on my socials and if he is present in a photo - its usually a family photo of us all together. 

She is trying to spin this into the "safety and wellbeing of SS" but she literally has Tiktoks of SS on her public page doing tiktok trends with him, sometimes he's not even wearing a shirt. In one video he caught a lizard and she told him to put it on his nipple. Not to mention that DH's sister who is friends with BM and does not talk to DH or myself...also has photos and videos of SS on her public profile. MY stuff is private and though I chose to ignore her, I am curious as to how she's seeing shit on my socials outside of a public profile picture. 

I know the solution is to just ignore ignore ignore. I will be doing that - but I just want to vent about it too. It's hard to not say something and I don't think enough people talk about that. Like what? I'm embarrassed for BM with how jealous she acts over me with a man she didn't even want. Her sleeping with married men speaks volumes to her character and I'm not surprised that now she suddenly has an issue with DH moving on with his life and having a family of his own. It seems like she takes every opportunity she can to say something about me or imply things that aren't even true. Her reality is so far from the truth. It's like she stews in her room at night coming up with scenarios in her head convincing herself that I'm this problem in her life. Sometimes if she starts something with DH and he responds, she assumes it's me and responds to him with my name like she's talking to me. Meanwhile I'm off minding my own business unaware of the conversation at all until DH tells me about it later. She just irks me. like, ew...don't text me unless there is an emergency b*tch. 


CastleJJ's picture

Your DH needs to ignore BM. So do you. Remove yourself from any group chats, block her contact, block her on social media, etc. Make her non-existent to you. BM is responsible for SS during her custody time. DH shouldn't be "helping" or getting involved during that time. The next time BM acts like a damsal in distress, needing DH's support with parenting SS in her home, he needs to fire back with "If you can't handle SS during your time, I am happy to be primary parent to resolve the issue." I doubt she will ask for his help again. 

When HCBMs are constantly seeking out their ex's attention, they will stop at nothing to get it. They will find any nit-picky thing to poke at just to create communication and conflict (because bad attention is better than no attention). She doesn't really want DH, she just wants control and is pissed that DH has moved on and is happy. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Exactly. "You seem to be struggling. If it would make things easier, we can change the custody schedule to something more manageable for you (suggest a schedule that reduces her time.)" The prospect of losing child support or having to pay is usually enough to make this type of BM crawl back into their hole. 

CLove's picture

But of course vent vent vent too as needed.

Toxic Troll Bm has backed off a load over the last 10 years. When I first got together with DH, he was separated not divorced, she had a boyfriend and all seemed chill. When she was single and "available" there was more drama. They were still VERY enmeshed and DH has many co depedency issues, and when he would to the "swoop" it would create conflict, because I just knew it was the wrong thing to do. Then to be told "what am I supposed to do, those are my CHILDREN and they are crying to me about xyz".

Eventually as the skids got older and more independent (sd power sulk was 8 when I met here, sd feral forger was 15) things got easier. 6 is in the super dependent bracket, so theres more need to parents to co parent. evenutally it becomes less and less.

Toxic Troll has told people in our community that she thinks DH and her will get back together eventually, among other she has tried to stay relevant through the chidren.

Your BM sounds very disordered, and her continual relations with married men demonstrates the shallowness of her charcter and yet depth of her character flaws.

Good luck I hope it gets easier.


Thumper's picture

Ewwww, your bm did WHAT on TT with her own son?

Block her on everything. There is no moral OR legal reason you are obligated to be connected to her by way of email, cell phone and social media.

She doesnt need to 'text you' for an emergency either---trust me, if there was a real emergency,  there are ways to reach you with out HER making contact with you.

Hospital can call  you or A Doctors office can call you,  The police could notify you in person at home or work. The school can call. ----Even dh's lawyer could call you. IF she told her lawyer, then her lawyer would call dh's lawyer. SHE DOES NOT NEED YOUR contact info. Screw that. 

Remember people managed without texting long before cell phones. 

ESMOD's picture

First.. double check your privacy on all your facebook... make sure friends of friends can't see things.

second.. let your SO handle this... and his response to his ex.. "I have given my wife permission to post pictures.. )

unless they have something in the CO about it.. she can kick rocks.

But.. I will say that there is also the concept of sometimes you can be right.. or  happy.. not both.

For that reason.. I would probably not post pictures of your SS.. facebook.. instagram isn't a life requirement.. the experiences still happened even if you didn't post about them.. take all the pictures you want.. but share them privately with people if you want.. (like your SO.. his mom).. sometimes it just isn't worth the hassle of hearing about it all from BM.