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Financially supporting SD - please help me with ideas?

DCblended's picture

I was talking with my unemployed DH about how I have been financial supporting his daughter for 2 years while he is unemployed, and he was saying that costs hardly anything - school daycare is $100 a month, food is only a couple hundred a month... I said there's also gifts, birthday parties, etc... but I have to say he does not really spend much on her because I think he knows I'd make a fuss about it since he's not working. 

Do you guys have any other ideas about costs that go into raising a kid?

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Is she with you or with BM more? If it's you guys, is BM paying child support? What goes into raising kids - housing, electricity, water, food, healthcare, and the greatest resource of all - TIME! Your DH is an idiot and a gaslighter to try to tell you "it's ok" because she is little and doesn't cost much extra. You know who takes even more resources?! His big a$$. Which you've also been supporting. Ask him how much it would cost for him to live alone, pay everything for himself and SD plus child support for your joint child. THAT is how much money you are "saving" him, and it's a sh!tload. Don't even entertain that nonsense question by trying to quantify dollar amounts. 

Rags's picture

The annual costs to support a child each year is between ~$12,000 and ~$21,000.  THat is for each child.  Adding one, just about doubles the cost.

According to the USDA the cost to raise a child from birth to 18yo is between ~$233,000 and ~$287,000 depending on the region of residence.

So, the "it doesn't cost that much more to support a child "(regardless of the age of that child)   crowd are delusional.

That a long term unemployed mate would defend the support of their adult child by the employed partner makes that mate a POS. IMHO.  Injury or other mitigating causes and details of unemployment not withstanding of course.


DCblended's picture

project manager, but unfortunately he just landed in the job and he doesn't have any certifications so I think that's what's leading to the issues.

DCblended's picture

He doesn't pay child support so no. But I am paying for SD's expenses, which thankfully at the moment are low. 

ESMOD's picture

The heck with the cost of raising that skid.. what about the cost of raising HIM.. He has two children in the home.. and can't manage to pay a dime in how many years?  watching his child 2-4 hours a day.. is NOT enough

why isn't he working?

DCblended's picture

He was a project manager, but 1. doesn't have certifications, and 2. Doesn't have IT experience, so it's a tough market for those who aren't specialized like him. I have both marketing and IT experience and it makes it WAY easier to get a job. 


But either way, I told him he has until April (after our baby turns 18months and starts daycare), to get a FULL TIME salary (I even said at least $37K/year ($18/hr 40 hrs/wk), whereas he was actually making $65K+/year at his PM job). If he doesn't get the full time salary by April 15, then we are sending an email together to BM to get more custody like she wanted. Yes, it's kind of an asshole move, but SOMETHING needs to change. He agreed to the conditions. 

ESMOD's picture

I'm going to give you some unvarnished truths here.  Your husband is a loser who breeds with women then pushes off his responsibility on their gullible selves.

He should not be reducing what he pays for support for his child with BM.. he shouldn't be shirking his responsibility as a father.

He has had over TWO years to get the certifications etc.. that would have made him marketable.. so boo hoo... for him... and you were his sucker that he strung along.. got hooked with a baby and roped into supporting HIM and his kids.

And.. you KNEW he had a disability right.. his "chronic pain".. yet you thought it was a good idea to get talked into a life with him.. well.. you have it.. you have his kid.. you have a guy that gave you a meaningless promise to get a job.. what is your stick or carrot to get him to follow through.. what is changin in the next couple months that was so different the past few years?  nothing.. he is the same user and loser he has always been.

Sure.. I'm sure he is good at whispering those sweet nothings.. telling you how strong you are.. how great you are.. making you feel good.. all the while he coasts along doing jack nothing.

you may be exhausted.. but this is no time to sleep.. this is time to wake up and realize the hole you have dug for yourself and make some big serious decisions on how YOU will deal with it.. don't count on him for anything.

ESMOD's picture

and.. I know you think what I just wrote is mean as hell.  It's not meant to be mean.

You are likely a very smart woman that got duped by a manipulating man.  You are the kind of person that thinks.. I'm self sufficient.. I don't need a man to support me.. I can do it all.  But.. men like him prey on women like you.. and you can ask me how I know.. I had more than a couple of these jerks in MY past and I am beyond blessed I never got pregnant and totally shackled to them.. and I know it's hard to admit we made a mistake in our choices.. ignored red flags.. but you need to realize your stepchild is NOT a problem.. your "partner" is.

DCblended's picture

thanks, no i don't think your post is mean. 

I'll post an update at the end of March/April. Because if he doesn't follow through, I'm considering leaving.

BanksiaRose's picture

This guy sounds revolting. Sitting on his ass for two years, while moving through different baby mamas to mooch off and to support his spawn from the previous ones. You're just another one in a long line for him, and there will be others. Kick him overboard - you deserve a man that impresses you with his kindness, generosity and who will want to slay dragons for you, so to speak. 

You didn't spend all those years bettering yourself to become a cash cow for a deadbeat.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

And what would Mr. Hardly-Costs-Anything-Lazy-Pants do if you were no longer around to pay for HIS kid? Why should you pay for his kid's daycare when he is unemployed? HE can be Daddy Daycare. Sorry, but this chaps my arse. There are plenty of jobs out there. They may not be his first choice, but a job is a job. The only thing stopping him from getting a job at McDonald's or Walmart or some gas station while he 1) continues to look for a job in his field, and 2) gets certified in PM is his laziness.