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Rose Colored Glasses Came Off!

Dogmom1321's picture

WOW. I am shocked to tell about the conversation DH and I had yesterday. 

Quick backstory: Been with DH for 8 years and SD is 13. 50/50 CO with BM. Disengaged for my own mental health and to prevent arguments with DH.

I've posted more lately about all the issues with SD13. Vaping, mess of a room, friends over, poor grades, etc. 

DH and I were on the phone otw home from work. Simply asked if SD was going to be at our house this wknd. Change of plans were up in the air earlier in the week. 

DH unloaded and said he talked to BM at length the other day (they typically have minimal communication). DH told BM that SD13 manipulates both houses. Will tell one thing to one parent (ex I don't like SM) but then will go say the opposite to the other parent for attention. He told BM she tries to gain sympathy and attention to get things that she wants (nails done, shopping etc) BM claims SD13 calls late at night crying and saying how much she hates life. But then will wake up at our house the next morning begging to go to the movies, shopping, friends houses, etc.

DH told me he thinks SD13 has a major problem with lying/manipulation so bad that she believes her own lies. He said he thinks BM has some sort of mental health disorder, maybe BPD, and thinks SD might have a genetic predisposition to it as well because he's seen so many similarities as SD has gotten older and shown similar behaviors as BM. 

I have yet to see if DH follows through with any actions for his concerns. He claims he is making a therapy appointment for SS13. He also admitted the cell phone use is a problem, but hasn't commented on how he will enforce new rules. 

IMHO I think both BM and DH are at a total loss for how to dig SD13 out of the hole she is in... but at least he isn't defending her actions like BM. Of course she thinks a split home is to blame (even though they divorced when SD was 2 y/o and knows no difference.) BM also thinks different "parenting styles" is to blame. Along with ME for not "being a friend to SD".

I think DH actually sees SD clearly. Something I thought I would NEVER say. 


AlmostGone834's picture

It's amazing when they finally see the light isn't it?

It took my DH 23 freaking years for his glasses to finally slip... and it was just a tiny little bit. Still, it was shocking.

At Christmas this past year he admitted his daughter "wasn't a generous person" and he said she says talks a good talk about being giving but it was a lie. It was the first time I've ever heard him criticize her. Usually he defends everything she does. I guess after 23 years of never receiving a gift from her for his birthday, Father's Day, Christmas ect it finally dawned on him. 

Kloewent's picture

It has taken mine over 40 years to put down a boundary and adhere to it. His daughter is an addict and viciously, verbally attacks him when she is angry or sad or needs drugs, or any damn reason. He has shrugged it off for took him being diagnosed with a stress related illness to make him realize what she does to him. He told her if she kept yelling at him he would leave, or hang up and he has done both. I have been flabbergasted to see it. So happy to see him open his eyes and overcome his guilt.

Rags's picture

Holy Crap!! If I ever addressed my 81yo USMC dad or my 79yo 5'2" mother that way I would find myself waking up after getting knocked out cold as they were tossing dirt on me at the bottom of the hole I was in. Yes, my 5'2" mother would probably lay me out cold even before my USMC dad would.

Neither me nor my 6yrs younger brother would ever speak to our parents that way.  Not as kids, and not as adults.

Daddy needs to deck his little girl for that crap. Slap her silly then get an RO/PO keeping her the hell away from him and his home. Or, shovel the dirt filling up the hole she wakes up at the bottom of.

Figuratively of course.

I would  seriously consider it if I was him.

Harry's picture

The gift that keeps on giving.  If BM has mental health problems, she passed them on to SD,  First of all keep disengage.  You will alway be the problem in the end .  She needs a complete physical and mental evaluation to start with.  A  therapy appointmen is not good because you don't know the problem.. You need a medical doctor to do a mental work up. And develop a care plan.  Drugs may be needed.  
unfortunately a lot of therapy people are pleple who can't hold a real job.   She must be evaluated..   some of this can't be fixed look at BM. 

Dogmom1321's picture

Yes terrified she will follow in BMs footsteps. Divorced twice with 3 kids all 3 different dads. Finished college in her 30s and surprisingly has worked as a nurse for about 4 years (this is super long for her). The constant drama BM craves to get a "high" sort of speak, I feel SD will have the same broken relationships/friendships. She has a difficult time keeping friends already and has had 3-4 "BFFs" in the last year. Only one has stuck around. 

I will definitely be staying disengaged,.. but if asked, will give my opinion (agree with you) that a psychiatrist would probably be better to do a full evaluation first. 

Rags's picture

Tearing our SKid(s) from the grips of this type of shit blended family opposition parent is a near life long battle.

The BM in your life is as big a POS as the Spermidiot in our lives.  4 all out of wedlock children by three different baby mamas.  My SS is his eldest and our only.  My SS-31 is a man of charcter, honor, success, and standing in his profession and community.

Spermidiot spawn #2 is on the dole, #3 is in prison, and #4 is not far behind the inmate.

His mom and I are very proud of the man we raised together.  While he is living a quality life and living it well, it breaks my heart that he has them anywhere in his life.  He has had nothing to do with them for many many years.  Any of them. That they are out there still impacts him at some level.