You are here

A trip to visit is approaching

Notthedoormat's picture

I have sat several visits recently,  but sgk's birthday party is around the corner, so I'm going this time. We'll make the 4 hour drive the day before,  stay over in a hotel and the party will be in the afternoon of the second day, also the day we leave. 

I have already know we will be spending some time on day 1 at BM's house because SD still doesn't have her own place.  Since both SGK's are very small and loud, we don't have a lot of options on other places to visit,  so I suck it up and get through it because it is what it is. Radical acceptance is all I have when it comes to that one.  Without me, DH has made far fewer trips, which is his own doing.   I have determined to be selective about when I choose to accompany him because it's just not good for me.

I have observed DH not falling over himself to throw money at SD, too.  Just recently she texted him pictures of some decor she wants for SGK's bedroom (they don't have their own place, so this would be going in either BM's house or her in law's pile of rubble). She commented that she was going to redecorate once she has the money.  DH commented that it was pretty and left it at that. 

To me, it seemed obvious she was hoping he'd volunteer to fund her project,  but I was giddy when he didn't.  She doesn't work, her lazy husband can't hold a job...they will have to figure it out themselves and I am over the moon that he didn't offer to pay for it. 

SD knows DH has a weakness for the grands and wants to give them whatever they want, but hopefully he can continue with fortitude.

I am practicing polite smiling and finding a zen place in my mind to get me through the visit, though.  Who knows what fresh hell they will concoct.

JRI's picture

I had a number of occasions when I had to be with our late BM, too, but thankfully not in her home like you.  Ugh.

The hints-yeah.  When SD62's daughter, M, was home from college one year, we were going out to dinner but they wanted to stop in a store to "look at something".  Turns out it was a boutique carrying a large selection of an expensive purse brand.  M went on and on about the other girls who had those purses, hint hint.  I could tell they were waiting for Grandpa to spring for it.  I dont know if he was oblivious or just playing like it but we got out of there purseless.

Manipulation City.

ESMOD's picture

Can you do the visit at the hotel (like if there is an indoor pool!)?  at a local park?  at some other child centric venue inthe area (that may be more child loud kids won't be an issue)

If you haven't booked the hotel.. I would look for one with an all weather pool.. swimming with the kids is a decent option.. they would like it.. it burns steam.. and isn't too big a deal if they are a little loud.

Catmom024's picture

Ugh.  I'm so sorry.   I hope everything goes smoothly.   Glad your DH isn't allowing himself to be their atm.

Notthedoormat's picture

For a long while he felt he had to give into every request skids made od him. And now that she has kids, SD definitely tries to milk it. Fortunately,  DH has started ignoring some requests, like the most recent ones. 

If they made efforts it might be different,  but it's hard to help those that refuse to help themselves. 

Harry's picture

But visiting at BM house, giving money to redo BM house it totally unacceptable.  I could [personally] go to [in your case]  To BM house , and spend time with the woman DH used to make love to.Is this the home DH used to live in ?   
There has to be other ways.  Rent another hotel room for SD and her family.  ?  Meet at a restaurant.  Paying your money to redecorate BM House, [ never]   He gave up this right when he married you 

DH is the one who divorced and started a new family with you.  It's his problem. He has to figure it out.  The only solution can't be spending time with the ex.   I would go, but I would not let him hang out with the ex. At the ex's home.  He parent his DD to be a loser, married to a man who can't provide his own home.  
You are making it easy for DH.  The easy thing to do for HIM, is to spend time with the ex. They can reminisce about the honeymoon, making SD.  Sex in the pool, park, car,   He can check out all the pictures of "The Happy Family". SD, BM, and himself 

JUST SAY NO to BM a house.  I definitely would go to ride shotgun on this craziness.  Yes I am jealous, 

Winterglow's picture

How about you invite SD to your hotel for an afternoon and bluntly specify "no need to bring your mother, you're old enough to not need a chaperone and, after all, it's you and SGC we're here to see." No need to beat about the bush.

Rags's picture

DO NOT go to BM's house for any reason... except to watch it burn down or watch her and SD get arrested.

Of course, do not set it alight yourself.  But enjoy it if it goes up in flames.

And not one Cent goes to anything that would improve BM's home for anyone who may be residing there.

I know, vindictive. But... they get nothing. Which is exactly what they have earned.

If you do go, be radiant, look incredible, beam your happiness and success, and ..... do not let them dull your shine.  Cockroaches scurry for a dark corner when a bright light turns on. Be that light, and have fun watching the roaches run for the dark corners.  For sure, enjoy the pouting that your beaming radiant presence creates.