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DH is struggling with that single dad life

TrueNorth77's picture

So, I'm on a work trip that is essentially just a trip to CA with no real business reason, and DH calls me twice today. Once to chat, and the second time because he is losing his shit about SD. 
Skids are with us for 9 days because of DH's insistence to do a "switch" with right of first refusal when Crazy took the kids while we were on a trip. So this is our makeup week, which is longer than usual. Which I'm gone for most of. Today apparently DH and SD13 got into a shouting match because SD claims her mom does everything for her, while we do nothing. No matter what DH said, SD insisted Crazy does it all. DH "doesn't even know what meds SD takes". DH lost his shit on her and said oh really, I've been setting your meds out for you for over a week now! SD said Crazy does all of her medical appts. DH pointed out how He was the one who set up her Ortho appts and took her to the Orthodontist for the first few months. Crazy didn't even know her Orthodontist's name until 6 months ago, when she messaged DH to ask for it (SD has been going for a year now). SD is so brainwashed there is no getting her to listen. DH lost it and told her her mom is a terrible human (true, but I pointed out how we are trying to be better than Crazy and not talk crap about the other parent to SD). 
DH said SS17 also came to him to address SD's behavior- SS took SD to his gf's soccer game on Tue and SD was just mean to SS- not in a sarcastic sibling way. Saying he's ugly, has a big nose, etc. This is exactly how Crazy is- putting everyone else down. It's gross that she's turning into her mom. 
This wknd we have plans to go boating with friends and DH said he had hoped SD would have plans, but they got canceled. I asked if we should see if she can come boating (which, isn't ideal, It's more of an adult boating group).  DH said, ugh. Idk. We'll see. He just kept saying he doesn't know what to do with her, Then he said he is ready for skids fo go back to Crazy's. Mostly just SD, because she is taxing. He doesn't usually say these things outright, even when I suspect he is thinking them, so he is really at his wits end.

I'm just sitting here thinking, now imagine they aren't your kids, and you didn't want to do this switch in the first place for this very reason...? 


Survivingstephell's picture

I can't help but laugh at this.   Serves him right!   Keep this up.  Keep disengaging from caring for SD.  She will get her own karma from DH.   I do think he will need MORE time being single dad before he figures out the right of first refusal is nonsense at this age.   Enjoy your trip!   

Winterglow's picture

Poetic justice at its best!

I am so glad you're far away and can observe him reaping what he sowed at your leisure. He SO deserves this.

thinkthrice's picture

Skid(s) being brainwashed and becoming  a clone of their beastly mothers?  And biodad suffering the consequences of his former poor choices in partners?

Oh the humanity!

Extend that trip!!!  (99% of the time skids will believe the HCGUBM's narrative)

TheAccidentalSM's picture

DH can stay home with her but it would not be polite to inflict even a well behaved child on an adult only fun day out.

ndc's picture

I-m so happy This, for sure! A difficult skid should not be imposed on friends.  Bonus disengagement points if you go boating with the friends while DH has to stay behind with SD.

Lillywy00's picture

This gives me a dose of indirect dopamine lol

I feel you! 

There have been many times where I was sick and tired of skids trifling ass bioparents stressing me tf out by aggressively shoving their badass kids off on me every other day then every week, to the point I started leaving my soon to be ex with his kids during his parenting time and noticed this "I'm a GREAT dad" narrative was only so he could brag and boost his ego while pushing the job off on me uncompensated. 

It was pure bliss seeing him (FROM A DISTANCE) struggle, be worn tf out, sleeping during the day, seeing him stressed out when his kids argue with each other or with him, seeing him meltdown when they demanded electronics/trips/designer shoes and clothes that he cannot afford and hates telling them no. 

You bragged about how great of a dad you are, you claimed you miss them (despite skids blowing you up multiple times a day on FaceTime), you claim you enjoy them being with you, now put your money where your mouth is and take care of YOUR kids. H3ll this ain't my parenting time it's YOURS!

All I could think was "glad I'm out of town/out with my girls/on a luxury peaceful excursion/etc" letting him enjoy the childcare struggles he tried to pawn off on me. 

Nope!!! Beyond my pay grade 

"get somebody else to do it"

justmakingthebest's picture

LOL! It's nice to let them take on thier kids in totality sometimes!

Just don't let him invite her on that boat trip! She CAN stay home. Kids don't have to do everything their parents do!

TrueNorth77's picture

I felt a little bad for thinking, take that, as he struggled, but this was 100% his doing. 

He did ask our friends if she could come on the boat and even wrote, quote "I'm having dad guilt at leaving SD home alone- can she come today"? I rolled my eyes so hard. Our friends said skids are always welcome. I told SD we were going boating and she said, you guys are? I said, well you too- but wait, do you WANT to go? She said yes. I told her that she needed to be on her best behavior then. No pouting, no sulking, no ignoring people- she needed to act like she wanted to be there. She promised and started chatting and seemed excited. I told DH what i said to her and he kind of frowned and said, Oh, I wasn't worried about that, she doesn't usually act that way around people. FFS. I said, she just did, when my brother and SIL were here. She would t even talk to them. He said, well, that's different when you're at home. The amount of excuses and leeway he gives them, as he sees it all through his rose-colored glasses is truly mind-boggling. I said, nope, it's not different at all. He didn't have much to say to that. 
She was actually really good all day, seemed to have fun. Asked if she could go up on the boat (we were playing games in the water) about an hour in. Turns out she just wanted to call Crazy and tell her everything. I was annoyed. You're almost 14, you can do something with us without calling your mom halfway through. That's the kind of co-dependency they have. 

Lillywy00's picture

Most men can't hack it as single parents 

I do the same too. I leave ALL day when skids touchdown or I take trips even if it means I have to pay for my peace and freedom (even if it is temporary for now it will be permanent soon). 

I get a good laugh when this Disneyland dad here is running like a chicken with his head cut off trying to cater to these skids demands. 

I'm  just glad it ain't me and no I'm not helping you enable your kids entitled behaviors. 

Mominit's picture

Most people have a hard time as a single parent.  Men don't own the category.  My DH was an excellent single parent, which is why I knew he'd be an excellent co-parent.  I was a pretty good single parent, but it can be exhausting for Moms too.  I'd say most people find single parenting taxing, which is why it takes two to make them!  We're supposed to outnumber the little folks! 

But if you don't raise them from the start, you end up with bratty kids in their tweens and teens...which makes it harder!

Lillywy00's picture

I was a single parent for many years. So was my mom. 

I went on to obtain advanced degrees and turned out fine  (with the exception of getting reeled into stepparenting with bio parents who can't single parent their way out of a paper bag to save their lives)

My bio kid was inducted to the honor society and attends the top school in the city  and is being recruited by several colleges 

So let me rephrase, *the men I've encountered* are horrid at single parenting.

I've only known one guy who was a good single dad but all the rest I've seen can't cut it and needed to attach themselves to the most unsuspecting nurturing women to help them (often for low pay or for free).

Unlike most of the women I've known who were single moms and thrived without needing to cling to their exes/marry some random man/recruit a gullible man into domestic sl@very just to help them with child rearing. 

The statistics (and this thread) speak for themselves. Men are more likely to remarry 6 months (sometimes less) after divorce. Why? One reason is because they need help with their kids and they don't want to pay for a nanny because a wife is cheaper in the long run and will also provide s3x too. 

Go to your local Child Support / Family Court and you will see mainly WOMEN trying to enforce on trifling men. 

Single parenting is hard for Disneyland dads, the guilt riddled dads, the dads who think parenting is a woman's job, the absentee dads, etc (and probably for the hcbm because who - besides the oppressive government - wants to help their toxic a$$es)?

thinkthrice's picture

For 20 yrs.   At the risk of sounding old fashioned, most men are geared to focusing on one major task at a time.  One big and done.  A lot of little things may slide.

Whereas women focus on, without hyperbole, hundreds of little jobs albeit just as essential. 

Both my children grew up to be productive members of society despite being CODs.

Shieldmaiden's picture

Ugh, so DH WANTS custody of this brat? If I were him, I'd tell her damned truth, and drop her off at BM's permanently.

To SD: "SD, how would YOU feel if you did someone a favor, and they told you were ugly and had a big nose?"

SD: "Fine, I'd feel fine because what I said is true! I don't care."

To SD: "Ok then, SS is not doing you any more favors. You can go stay with your mom until your attitude changes. If you don't appreciate the things we do for you, then you can have BM do them... ALL THE TIME. Call me when you wake up to reality. Byeeee!"

SD: Stomp, stomp, SLAM. "BM gave birth to me therefore she is the holiest of holy and can do no wrong!" 

TrueNorth77's picture

SD had a counseling appt today that she wanted DH to come to so she could "tell him something". Part of me wished it was that she wants Crazy to have more custody. Alas, no such luck.

Cover1W's picture

Oh yes, NOW he's complaining. Same same. Only when I disengaged from things and DH felt the pain did he then say things weren't right. 

OSD yelled at DH too about his not doing things. He gave her proof, literal in writing proof, and she STILL said he didn't do it, this, or that and insinuated HE initiated the divorce with BM when it was SHE (and documented in the court records he showed her!). Unresolvable.

thinkthrice's picture

The cognitive dissonance must be deafening.  But to believe the truth would collapse the entire narrative. 

TrueNorth77's picture

To all of the above. 

RIP's picture

My own DH is coming to the reality that his daughter (SD11) comes back to our home everytime, "more & more like her mother...." Welp. I don't know what to tell ya. 

I make DH reaps what he sows. I have disengaged from SD11 due to her lack of parenting her whole life & concerning clingyness to anybody who is not her parents. It has affected my mental health severely for the past 3 years, where I told DH that I was....well, simply done. She isn't my child, YOU take responsibilty for her.

The older she gets she has a worse & worse attitude, says extremely racist remarks (b/c BM hates all races, aside from white people, makes fun of SD when she wears rainbows & supports gay people & lives in bum f*ck nowhere). DH has already had the uncomfortable, but honest conversation about BM's riskay behavior with men & how she is a cheater, a liar, and a money hunger grubber who uses her & her sister as pay checks from the government. SD11 was always wondering why her first 11 years of exising, "why there were always different men coming in and out of the house every other 2 weeks or so....". Long story short. If their BM OR BD is trash.....they will more than likely learn "trash-like" behaviors. 

Keep disengaging. Stay away. These children are not ours to fix, take care of, or even take responsiblity for. That comes from their biological parents.

Good luck.

TrueNorth77's picture

I often feel like I can be a positive Influence in her life, but then hear her say something that shows what I say doesn't matter. She will only believe her mom and what her mom teaches. Honestly, she's still a pretty good kid, but she's going to turn out how she turns out, with or without me because her mom is God to her. 

Lillywy00's picture

The DisneyLand Dad here just admitted that he struggles raising one of his kids (and he's relieved when she is elsewhere during his parenting time) I think due to age/maturity level plus (imo) his lack of boundaries/ability to say NO is draining him faster than a cheap knockoff cellphone battery. 

Then he said he felt mean saying it. 

I had zero reply. Because, to me, no it's not mean if it's the truth and not saying it to her face as a way to tear her down emotionally. And also because he is the problem as he enables useless negative habits in his kids that make them turn out to be individuals you don't want to spend much (if any) time around.. 

TrueNorth77's picture

DH does the same. He allows certain behaviors. Doesn't discipline them. Then gets stressed out when they keep repeating. Imagine that! After 10 days of having skids DH was ready for them to leave and told me so. I was ready by day 2 because my input to correct the BS doesn't matter.

Rags's picture

I could not imagine being a single parent. But better a single parent than making a life with a toxic POS and better to be a quality single parent than curse children to be raised full time with a toxic parent.

I won the parent lottery.  My DW and I will celebrate our 29th anniversary this year.  SS won the mom and dad lottery because his mom is amazing. I just helped.

Kids need boundaries, they need to be held to standards of behavior, they need to be held to standards of performance, and they should not be given anything and everything when they want it... if at all.

My SS-30 is a viable adult, a man of solid character, and a man of standing in his profession and community. He is  the eldest of the Spermidiots 4 all our of wedlock spawn by 3 different baby mamas. #2 is on the dole, #3 is in prison, and #4 is not far behind the inmate.  SS is our only.

Being raised with limited exposure to the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool likely saved SS from much of the toxic crap he would have otherwise been polluted by.  They had 7wks of long distance visitation per year. 5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring.  On a number of occassions over the 16+ years we lived under the CO they refused visitation for a year or more.  

We were very fortunate to have been able to raise SS to be a good man in spite of the shit he was exposed to by the manipultive, toxic PASing SpermClan.