You are here

step daughter is pregnant what’s my title?

Cooke30's picture

Hi so me and my fiancé are due to get married next April so the kids aren't officially my step kids until then. But anyways I've been working very hard with building relationships with SS and SD together and separate. But they never refer to me as the step mum. If their friends ask where they are they just say "at dads". 
so we have just found out SD is pregnant. She's going for a scan on Sunday, but I've been told to not message her until after the scan to say congratulations.

Her mum has me blocked on all social media's and wants nothing to do with me but suddenly invites me to a party with ALL family members attending. I don't plan to go but now that she's pregnant she's going to us it as a gender reveal party. But what is my role to this baby? How do I even dare to ask? I don't want to assume that I could be a nana (at the age of 33) and how do I spoil my "grand baby" without upsetting my SD mum. I don't feel like I  in a position to talk to anyone about this. I tried to talk to my family but they just get distracted with my niece. And my fiancé doesn't want to talk about it. Am I being selfish in thinking all this. Or do I just put up and shut up and keep my mouth shut and opinions to myself 

 

Noway2b1's picture

Or your name. Seems appropriate. Just let things unfold. I'm grandma to kids that aren't even my sons and I'm not grandma to any of the step grands even ones born while I've been with grandpa. Also, you've been told not to message? By who? If other people are involved in telling you who, what when you can text others, there's bigger issues going on than being called grandma and spoiling someone else's child/grandchild. 

ESMOD's picture

I kind of took it that maybe SD didn't want the news widely spread until the scan to make sure things were OK.. and progressing properly.  Lots of people don't announce until they are a decent way along for those reasons.  Maybe her DH wasn't supposed to share the news.. and didn't want anyone upset that he leaked it beyond his lips.

Noway2b1's picture

I get your point that's why I asked for clarification. If it's just not wanting her involved in sharing the news, well, there's part of the answer right? 

shamds's picture

We have 2 kids together with an age gap of 20-21.5 yrs between our kids and eldest sd, 17.5-19 yrs with ss and an age gap of 11-12.5 yrs with youngest sd.

eldest sd is 11.5 yrs younger than me. I don't have a relationship and disengaged with the sd miniwives. The sd's cut off contact with their dad for over 5.5 yrs before i even met hubby due to pas from the cheating exwife and affair stepdad.

honestly, I don't intend on playing any part in sd's lives because they are so far gone. My kids have no relationship with them. I don't intend being present at their wedding, thats for hubby and his family to deal with. 
 

biomum told sd's i was daddys half naked christian whore because she's a lying cheating skank hoe petty arse biatch and pissed off that every abuse and claim she made about hubby after the divorce backfired on her. Sd's continually bragged about biomum and stepdad when we were at family meet ups and events like they were such noble people. It's backfired now that biomum and stepdad abandoned them and cut off contact with them and left them to fend for themselves 

my ss wouldn't even call me by my name or title like stepmum, he would just start talking or call me aunty. I'm not your aunty and his cousin's called him out on that. 
eventually hubby had enough and referred to me as mummy because skids call their mum the equivalent of mum in their language. My husband felt that if biomum can have an affair with stepdad, they marry in secret whilst kids were in school and didn't know they were dating etc, then refer to stepdad as their new dad and alienate skids from my husband, then the fact me and hubby hve 2 bio kids together makes me far superior to stepdad and makes me not referred to as aunty but mummy. I honestly don't care or worry too much about what skids intend to have their kids calling me because I don't have a relationship with sd's

CajunMom's picture

As someone who has walked this path, be very careful. If you think navigating the SKs is an issue, wait til the grands come. All I can tell you is to have zero expectations and let your SD designate your place, if any. And if you don't get a place in the grandchild's life, then leave all the "grand" stuff to your SO. 

DHs son chose a party with our friends and family celebating DH to make his "grand" announcement, and in the process, ignored me completely. One guest member was so shocked, DHs daughter picked up on her facial expression and turned to me, saying "it's for you, too" while the son looked at me with daggers flying from his eyes. It was heartbreaking, knowing I'd never share that with DH. But looking back, I'm good with it now. It showed me and all our guests just how nasty DHs kids could be. Prior, they'd been fairly good at keeping their antics to me without witnesses. I also took several years to heal and become better with my boundaries.

I have not seen DHs kids in 5 years (since that incident). There is an event on the horizon that will probaby put me their presence. I plan to be cordial and civil but nothing deep. My status is DHs wife. Nothing else.

Best to you on this new journey.

EDIT: To clarify my position on not getting involved with "grand" decisions or gift buying. DHs lack of discipline of his kids, his enabling, Disneyland dad behaviors, etc in years past are a huge reason for the relations I have with his kids today. Just as I am disengaged from DHs kids, that flowed to his  grandkids. To give suggestions on gift buying would mean I'd have to have some sort of relation with them...to know them and what they like. I do not have that. I take the same motto we do in the first level of blended families....the kids have a mom and dad. And the grandkids have four grandparents. All good.

shamds's picture

Shock on other guests faces. 
biomum, whom sd's rant and elevate continually, referred to me as the half naked Christian whore despite her being the cheating whore and me meeting hubby 4.5 yrs post divorce. 

same biomum has abandoned sd's and they're now playing the poor pity me party but i have disengaged and want nothing to do with them. They are all about bragging and fake it till you make it. I refuse to put my young kids as pawns for them to show off to their mums family like they're sisters of the year

so any impending engagements/weddings is on hubby to handle. Me and our 2 young kids will not be present and when my hisband does the whole "but we're family nonsense," no we aren't family. We have been no contact since nov 2018, sd's called you aug2019 guilting and shaming you for marrying me and having 2 young kids with me as replacing them when they cut off contact with you for over 5.5 yrs due to lies they knew biomum was telling them about their dad and me. We are not family and they are strangers and we don't go to strangers weddings or engagements do we??

hubbys sisters already know the crap i dealt with sd's and had long suspected it and know if i don't attend family events of sd's, its because of the above. They don't deserve the respect of my time and presence at anything of theirs

ESMOD's picture

Yeah... kind of the last options..lol.  You do not overstep.. you don't try to compete with bio grandmas for gifting or spoiling SD's child.  You don't suggest a "nanna" name for yourself.  You take your SD's lead in how you are to be referred to.. to what extent she wants your involvement. (followed by what your SO wants.. if he asks you to pick out the presents for the kid.. on his behalf.. it's something you are doing nice for HIM).

I would add that you don't have to do anything you don't want to with or for SD or for her child.

Yes.. a short congrats (without talking about how much you can't wait to be nanna).. when she is past her scan is appropriate.

I am assuming your SD is an adult.. and that you haven't been really a stepmother to her... more like Dad's wife?  and that is 100% perfectly fine and is no reason to be offended at all.  as long as you are included socially with your DH to the major events.. and they aren't outright rude.. (unless there is some underlying resentment like he was dating you before he split with their mom.. which might be understandable to have them not want to accept you.. though their dad was also complicit if that was the case).

So.. what do you do?  You go with your DH to the shower.. and he brings a gift "from the both of you.  You congratulate but don't try to overly insert yourself into things unless invited.

Just for some context for my response:

I was in my SDs' lives since they were 5 and 9.  OSD has two children that are now 6 and 3.  When she was going to have her first at age 22.. my MIL was over the moon and asked me what my "grandma" name was going to be.. she thought "Bubbie" was a good one.  I cut that off really quickly.  I don't hate OSD.. but we are not overly close.. i was always more like Dad's wife I think with her (ysd is a bit different).  I told MIL that I was NOT becoming a grandmother.. that I didn't have kids of my own.. and I surely was too young to be a grandma.. lol (I was 51 at the time.. so I technically was old enough.. but not admitting it haha).  Now MIL got so bent out of shape.. and "awwww... that's so sad" kind of attitude.  But she doesn't get it.  I am not a super big "kid" person.. I had no plans or desire to hold babies or babysit.  To tie up my weekends with kid activities.. nope.. and certainly not interested in spending loads of time with my OSD.. who while we don't hate each other.. aren't exactly the same type of people.. (she is focused on appearance.. and shallow stuff.. I'm just not.).  Not saying she is a horrible person.. just not someone I want to spend a bunch of my precious time off from work with.. playing with kids.. that is something I just wouldn't enjoy.    So.. I don't "feel" grandmotherly to her kids.. or motherly to her.  She respects my opinion and we have a good enough raport when we are together.. but that's is.  

I guess my point is I really didn't want to be a nanna to anyone... so it was easy to just step back and let the "real ones" be in the mix.. I did buy presents for the kids on my DH's behalf.. and my OSD knows that it is me that is doing it.. and she is thankful for the gifts.  That's all and the total of my expectations and we are all happier for it.

 

 

Kloewent's picture

When I was pregnant with my first son, my dad's wife (don't ever introduce me as step mother!) told me in no uncertain terms that they would not be babysitting or going places with my kids, they were not that kind of grandparents. They never spent 5 minutes alone with them. Now my dad is gone, she is all alone except for a son who treats her like an inconvenience and has no kids. My wonderful sons are grown with families and have nothing to do with her. I guess you reap what you sow. To be fair, my father wouldn't have wanted to spend time with them either. She wasn't preventing him from having a relationship with the kids. My kids and their cousins just remember him as the one that always bought them expensive presents. Not much of a legacy.

justmakingthebest's picture

How old are your FDH's kids? If they are adults or close to it and the child raising part is kind over, you are just going to be dad's wife. That's ok! Don't let that make you feel "less" in anyway. 

As for the grandbaby, let BM pick her name and then ask SD if she has any ideas on what you could be called. If she doesn't suggest one or 2 of your favorite nicknames. Maybe you will be Mimi or Oma or Grandma Cookie. 

Don't take being blocked on social media personally from BM. I don't want my exH on my socials and we have a good co parenting relationship for the most part. We are divorced and there is no friendship or connection. I send him pics of the kids during events that he can't make it for, but other than that, he has no business in my life. I am sure that BM feels the same. 

The fact that you are invited to some big family event could be a really good sign, but proceed with caution. Don't allow yourself you be used or belittled in public. Be as friendly as they are- match energy. 

ESMOD's picture

I honestly would stay mute on the whole what should she be called topic.  Even bringing it up could confer that OP feels some entitlement to even have a special "nanna name".. 

Not that I would be walking on eggshells.. but I would act genuinely happy for the couple/SD about  her coming baby.. just like you would if perhaps a coworker of yours was having a baby.. "wow.. how wonderful.. you will be a great mom!"  If the WANT you to be a nanna figure in the child's life.. you will find out eventually.

Where I would absolutely NOT expect to get that information is at a shower where the "real" grandmas are in attendence and likely to make things awkward if she were to try  to confer you some title then.

Noway2b1's picture

Are you my grandma too? Or can I call you grandma? Or as happened in my home when my DH and I married, one of my daughters with kids simply said "tell grandpa thank you" or at some point referenced my husband as grandpa. The other daughter was not as comfortable with it and tried calling him uncle so and so until I said so and so is just fine if you aren't comfortable with grandpa honey. They heard other daughters kids call him grandpa and it stuck. I'm not going to correct them and I think my daughter felt kinda dumb for the uncle thing so there's that lol. 

ESMOD's picture

I think that we sometimes forget that it is an awkward thing for the pregnant Skids too.

They have to worry about offending their bio parents if they were to "give" a title to a non blood person.  They may not be too close to the SP.. but not want to make waves by stopping them from using some special name.  They may actively dislike a SP and that too is complicating!

but.. in the end.. it is their child that they are having.. and they get to call the shots (even if it is heavily influenced).. until their child is older.  

If OP has kids of her own.. and they start having kids.. it can end up where they just take on that nanna title with their own grandkids and the stepgrands.. if they are close in age may just do the same for simplicity sake.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Based on the post, OP is only 33. That's another thing to take into account. Not that you can't be a grandma at 33 (when i worked in the local school system there was a 28-year-old granny!), but would you even want to have a grandma name at that age? 

ESMOD's picture

I was grandma age.. in my early 50's.. and didn't want a grandma name.. haha.

Seriously.. It felt like a nail in the "age" coffin for me.. I didn't want to be viewed as a grandma.

Kloewent's picture

The oldest grandkid in our family picked out the grandparent names for all of us! I got grandma, my husband is papa for some odd reason, DILs dad is Nono her mom was Grammy, but she died. The new wife is yaya. None of us had much to say about it!

Stepdrama2020's picture

Ya know normally I would say what everyone is saying because its very sound advice.

But dang it Im in a mood so.......

Do what ever you want that feels good for you. Go overboard buy Tshirts for yourself that says grandma to be, then post on social media and tell everyone how dang happy you are. 

Or dont

Seriously I would stay far away. Once theyve treated you like crap they dont change. Granskids are just another avenue for them to exclude you.

Blessings

 

JRI's picture

If you're invited and choose to go, just be a pleasant guest, "Dad's gf".  Look nice, take a gift and smile.  When the baby comes, same thing, look nice, take a gift and smile.  Don't have any expectations, like a grandma role.  They will decide what to call you, "Firstname", "Grandma Firstname" or whatever.  Believe me, BM will make sure they know you're not the "real" grandma.

Altho BM seems a littl e hostile, with blocking you and all, realize you'll be seeing her at kid events (christenings, bdays, recitals, graduations, etc) for as long as you're married so be civil and polite and hope she will be the same.

I'm 78 and was also "not the REAL grandma".  I had kind of a hands-off relationship with DH's gkids but pleasant enough and I attended all events with DH and we remembered all bdays and gift occasions.  Flash forward and BM is dead so I'm the one getting pictures of their babies, updates on their life, etc.  Who knew.

CLove's picture

Id just say that you should not extend yourself too much, go to party, have fun (if you can) and be your pleasant self.

You wont be Gma.

Cooke30's picture

SD is 20 almost 21 hrs old

SS is 16

My daughter is 9 (has learning disability and autism)

my son is 2.5 years old

 

many thanks to you all that have replied. With some really good and helpful advice/ tips. I have been in relationship with the fiancé for 4 years but only relationships with the kids for 2 years because of the divorce and Covid lockdown. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Ok, so the steps are pretty well grown, SD is for sure. 

Just be Dad's wife. Be kind to them, be welcoming- but also match their energy. If they are stand off-ish, don't push. If they only want the baby to call you by your name, ok. If they call it Dad's house, whatever, it doesn't actually matter. If they want to keep their relationship with just dad for now (or forever)- oh well. These aren't kids that you are helping to raise. We are talking about an adult and almost an adult. 

 

Rags's picture

The breeders do not get to pick, the Bio GPs don't get to pick, even the GSKids do not get to pick unless you aegree to it.

My parents have fairly unique GK chosen names.  They Started as Grandma and Grandpa until my oldest nephew tagged them with what then instantly became their names.  My nephew had just started to talk and could not say Grandma or Grandpa. What came out instantly became my parent's new name.

No one but you can stipulate your grandparent name. Only you.

Patience2000's picture

Reading the posts it sounds like my story is the same same. I spent ten years being the grandma to the skid grandson. Then, I upset SD over sharing an opinion that wasn't asked for. Now I'm not allowed any contact. I have the plague. DH and grandson are the losers here......So, it doesn't matter what they or you want to be called. You are walking on thin ice that could crack at any moment. I guess this outcome could be said for bio kids, except this was my DH's circus and should have been expected.

Cooke30's picture

I spoke with SD about how happy I am that she's pregnant etc. she's mentioned her dads title and her mums. Her grandparents title and just said to me well there will be another person at your wedding. 
told her if she even comes over to stay she can have my bed etc. she replies "it's fine dads told me he's getting a sofa bed" to which I haven't replied. I'm the one getting this bloody sofa bed not her dad!!! So now I'm pulling completely back now and not putting my hand in my pocket to pay for it. He wants it he pays for it now. I've decided to not attend the party either because I can't be in a room full of people who dislike me and I won't put my children through it either. They don't deserve it and neither do I 
 

ESMOD's picture

I think a neutral congratulations was probably going to have been a bit more appropriate with her.  Because... when she says "dad says he is getting a sofabed.. he may have said he was.. meaning you as a couple.. or he may have said he was.. not outright mentioning your role in it.. I don't think it's really something that needed to be brought up with her.. unless she actually said literally.  "oh.. I will have to stay at a hotel when I come to see dad.. because there is no bed and with being pregnant.. I will need one"... then you could have said.. oh.. didn't your dad mention we were going to get a sofabed so that there was a comfortable place for you? but if you prefer a hotel.. that's perfectly fine.  volunteering that information probably felt a bit awkward.. and the way she responded.. I don't think she necessarily meant to exclude.. and your DH may not have either.

but.. do you know clearly that they "all dislike" you .. or is it maybe just her mom and related to her mom?  I actually think it could be a good opportunity for you to go.. be charming.. and pleasant.. and supportive of your husband.. without pushing for inclusion into the pregnancy of course.. if these are his relatives too.. at some point it will be good for you to make a showing won't it?  or will everyone at your wedding hate you from his side?  that doesn't seem like it's right.

I do sense that you are hurt by not getting a name.. by her not including you.. but it is not necessarily personal or a huge slight to just see you as dad's wife.. she may presume you don't want the role.. and that it's something of a relationship that can't be forced but develop over time.

I would rethink my decision to go to the gender party with your DH.. you can tell him you need his support.. if you already know any of his family.. you can gravitate to them as an ally.. and you can generally skate around and avoid the EX etc.. 

But.. if you don't feel you can graciously be his partner in public with his family.. it might be better to stay home.. though that decision will convey meaning as well to them.

ESMOD's picture

I think a neutral congratulations was probably going to have been a bit more appropriate with her.  Because... when she says "dad says he is getting a sofabed.. he may have said he was.. meaning you as a couple.. or he may have said he was.. not outright mentioning your role in it.. I don't think it's really something that needed to be brought up with her.. unless she actually said literally.  "oh.. I will have to stay at a hotel when I come to see dad.. because there is no bed and with being pregnant.. I will need one"... then you could have said.. oh.. didn't your dad mention we were going to get a sofabed so that there was a comfortable place for you? but if you prefer a hotel.. that's perfectly fine.  volunteering that information probably felt a bit awkward.. and the way she responded.. I don't think she necessarily meant to exclude.. and your DH may not have either.

but.. do you know clearly that they "all dislike" you .. or is it maybe just her mom and related to her mom?  I actually think it could be a good opportunity for you to go.. be charming.. and pleasant.. and supportive of your husband.. without pushing for inclusion into the pregnancy of course.. if these are his relatives too.. at some point it will be good for you to make a showing won't it?  or will everyone at your wedding hate you from his side?  that doesn't seem like it's right.

I do sense that you are hurt by not getting a name.. by her not including you.. but it is not necessarily personal or a huge slight to just see you as dad's wife.. she may presume you don't want the role.. and that it's something of a relationship that can't be forced but develop over time.

I would rethink my decision to go to the gender party with your DH.. you can tell him you need his support.. if you already know any of his family.. you can gravitate to them as an ally.. and you can generally skate around and avoid the EX etc.. 

But.. if you don't feel you can graciously be his partner in public with his family.. it might be better to stay home.. though that decision will convey meaning as well to them.

Cooke30's picture

I've seen the ex wife before and she made a huge scene about me being in the same place as her once. So I know her and her family don't want to get to know me. I've also read text messages from the ex Inlaws slating me. So yes there's a lot of hurt anxiousness on my part. His side of the family want to attend and will be on the other side of the room, I thought if I don't attend then it takes the pressure off for pregnant SD as she's already nervous about her parents being in the same room again since their divorce. 
I just feel like I'm in a tough situation because I'm in a lose lose situation. Damned if I do and damned if I don't. 
As for my partner he's the type of guy to see people at a party who he knows and off her goes. He's done it to me once before and left me on my own in room full of strangers holding my 8 week old baby. 

Cooke30's picture

I think I'm the type of person who likes to know where I stand with people in life. Friendships/ co workers/ family and relationships. And I think by having SD get pregnant it's thrown me off as I thought we were doing well with starting off a friendship.. but I feel there's been a pull back from her and no longer know where I stand with her right now. Haven't seen her since Xmas. No communication for a month then she phones out the blue to say she's pregnant to her dad. I send her a lovely message like I would with any of my friends who found out they are pregnant by saying "your going to be an amazing mummy to this baby, he or she will be like a blind date - knowing your going to meet the absolute love of your life without knowing who they are or what they look like etc. saying we will be right by her side for support along side her partner and mum etc" I get thanks, nice surprise for the family oh your having a plus one to the wedding! 
to me that is a reply you say to someone who is a co worker that your "friends" with but ok grounds with... I don't think I'm reading into much am I? 

Flowers27's picture

My oldest SD has 3 kids, the first one she had when me and her dad got together , then 6years later she got pregnant with second one - I asked myDH, her and her husband what the baby will call me- they all agreed I will be nana. When the baby was born nothing change , they referred me by my name( what upset me their mum got a new boyfriend of 5years and all 3 grandkids called him grandad) the thing is my husband made me believe if I am nice, kind , patient everything will change ( lies) so I treated his first grandchild as my own grandchild for 7 years- babysitting, days out, presents etc.But not anymore I have distanced myself. I have two kids ( one with DH) and I don't need to be used as free babysitter etc when ever they need.. I am their dad wife and that's it.. I don't need to drop everything because they want to have free weekend and me look after their 3 kids plus my 2.. it's their lost end of the day and it's what my SD choosed 

notarelative's picture

The last gift I bought was for the baby shower. 
Baby was born and I was pointedly told I was not a grandmother. 
The grands call me first name.
I decided to respect their wishes and step back.
I don't sign cards. My name is not on gifts. If on the rare occasion one of the grands says thank you to me, I repeat that the gift is from their grandfather. 
What I do do, is behind the scenes, help DH2 get the gift and wrap them. DH2 is not a good gift giver for kids as the ex did that. (He is a good gift giver to me.)

My kids say that SD and her H, will never realize how what they decided has impacted their kids. They get decent gifts from DH, but none of the extra stuff I would have provided. The grandkids are in high school now. That 529 would be looking fine, but it's not there. 

In my case it's not BM driving this. She was deceased before we started dating. It's step-son-in-law. He's told us that it's disrespectful to deceased spouses to remarry. 

 

Rags's picture

name.

PERIOD!

If they are a niece or nephew, they call me Uncle (FirstName).  If they are any other child, they refer to me by Mr. Lastname.  Unless they are children I am close to in which case they get a choice. Either Mr. Lastname, or Mr. Firstname.

No one but you can stipulate what children will refer to you as. In fact, no one but you get to stipulate what anyone refers to you as.

Nea

 

Notthedoormat's picture

Want in this situation.  What are you comfortable being called?  Think it over and tell DH...get his input. Then, next time you chat with SD you can let her know. Casually bring up that you recall her telling you about what others will be called and you gave it some thought and you'd like to be referred to as ''x".  Simple, no fuss and done.

What you want and are comfortable with matters.  As steps, regardless of the age of the skid, we can feel like we get the short end of the stick anyway....you certainly deserve say in how you're addressed.

My SD22 was 14 when I came on the scene, so I didn't raise her. She visited and I took her shopping.  We'd go there to visit and I'd take her to a nail salon. It was superficial and it's still rather that way, complete with air hugs.  I'd hoped for more, but it didn't develop.  I'm sure I'm "dad's wife" in her mind and that's ok.  My dad had a wife after my parents divorced, too. I honestly get it.

And I have a Gma name, but it's a bit odd because I don't feel like a full-fledged grandma, because I feel in my 40's I'm kinda young for it,  but all these children have young grandparents because mom and dad are young parents.  It is what it is. I don't mind being the fun one that gives great gifts, until the gift giving becomes demands and are expected.  

Sometimes the backseat is more comfortable,  though.